Divergent Love Stories
by Jojoboo90
Summary: Tris and Tobias hide a dark past from their children in order to protect them. But when their son's world changes in a way he never imagined and they are all faced with hard decisions about loyalty, family, and love, how far will they go to save him? (Post Divergent fan-fic) Disclaimer: I do not own Divergent! (COMPLETE)
1. Chapter 1

**17 YEARS AGO**

* * *

 **1\. The Beginning**

 **TRIS**

It's been three months.

Three months since what was supposed to be my initiation day into Dauntless and the rest of my new life somehow unexpectedly became what I was sure would have been the end of it. Three months since I watched my parents' bodies fall to the ground limp and lifeless. Three months since Tobias and I shut down the simulation and fled the city. Three months that we've been living in the middle of nowhere in a camp, just before the wall, prepared for us by the Amity.

I watched as green leaves turned to brown ones turned to white ones. I actually prefer the snow. It covers the bright shades of orange that I have become so sick of seeing. Sadly it does nothing to silence the laughter of Amity children throwing snowballs at each other.

At first it made me miserable, having to mourn the death of my parents while stuck in Happyville. Now it makes me all but hysterical, wanting to stab them all in the eye to see if they'll keep smiling. These hormones aren't really making me into a ball of sunshine.

I should be more grateful. These people have been nothing but helpful toward us since the attack on Abnegation, endangering their own lives to protect us until our plans are carried out. That's much more than can be said for the Candor, whose leader refused to help us in any way after Jeanine threatened to excise all detractors of her new kingdom. The Amity, apart from a few other defectors, are our only allies. Still, I wish they would turn it down a notch.

As I step out of the forest and onto the wide open field that is our campsite, I walk briskly past the campfire and head toward our tent, disregarding the people smiling at me on the way there. I pull up the hoody of my coat as if attempting to protect my face from the cold wind, except the evening sun is bright and warm and they already know I'm ignoring them. I don't know why they still try. If there was ever a day I'd smile back, it is not today.

I see a tiny person in the distance, standing in front of my tent. She is wearing a red coat that is much too large and her long dark hair too heavy to be picked up by the wind.

Rae.

She's the only friend I've managed to make amongst the Amity. She is quite livid for a seven year old girl, even more so for one of the Amity, and in normal situations I'd find it more than a bit troubling. But there is nothing normal about our situation and she is the only other person in this camp who seems to be as exasperated as I am at the undying happiness that we must succumb to on a daily basis. Most times it makes me want to throw up. The leader of the camp, a short dark-skinned woman named Hermione, has warned us that we should try harder to be 'nice', especially after Tobias and Marcus' last flare-up. But we are not 'nice' people.

I hear the sound of my breaths as the cold air slips into my lungs and the silent crunches of the ground with every step I take. As I get closer I feel my heartbeat in my throat and the breathing and the crunching seem louder in my ears. I have no idea how to say what I am about to say. I have no idea how Tobias will react. Sometimes I don't know what to expect from him, the way his moods tend to shift without warning. Usually something like this would be good news, but right now I am not so sure that it is.

I remove my gloves as Rae comes walking slowly to greet me. She's always careful not to be too cheery around me, even when she's having a good day. I appreciate her consideration. I bend over and pull her into a tight hug. She smells like smoke and firewood, like she's been playing around the campfire all day. But Rae hardly ever plays with the other Amity children.

"Hi Rae. You keeping Four's company?" I say, trying to hide the nervousness in my voice.

"As a matter of fact, I am," she grins. There's a tooth missing in the right side of her smile. I smile back. I realize it's the first time I've smiled today. She must realize it too. "You look tired. I'll go help my dad make dinner," she says. Although, I'm not sure how much help she'll be. Her father, David, is one of the cooks at the camp. I watch her as she runs past the haphazardly placed orange tents of the campsite that lie between my own and the makeshift cafeteria. She must have had a nice time. She always enjoys being around Tobias.

I make sure that she's under the roof of the eating area before I step into my tent.

I see him seated in the corner, his elbows on the table and his head rested between his palms. It's not a large space and we don't have much furniture. From the entrance of our tent our bed is the only thing shielded from view so his eyes find mine as I enter. He scans my face and frowns a little when he sees that today is not a smiling day. He stands to his feet, the wooden chair creaking when he does. Where he stands, the canvas roof of our tent is only one foot above his head.

Tobias crosses the room in two long strides and takes me into his arms. I wrap my own around his waist and I inhale deeply, taking in his scent and hoping that it is enough to calm me. I've always associated his scent with safety and love and warmth.

"Is everything ok, Tris?"

He pulls away to look at me when he asks and raises an eyebrow. He knows how much I hate that question. I must look really bad for him to have asked.

I will my mouth to answer, but no words come out and suddenly it gets harder to breathe. A look of concern builds on his face as he sees the fear written on mine. I make him promise me that he won't get angry before I say another word.

"Did Marcus say something to you again? I swear if he did I'll-"

"No." I cut him off. "He hasn't bothered me since."

Marcus was entirely in disagreement with Tobias and I sharing a tent. I'm not sure why he felt the need to force his Abnegation values on us. He probably thinks we're an embarrassment to our former faction, or maybe just to him, especially since most of what's left of the Abnegation is here to see his defected son out rightly repudiate their way of life. Tobias was upset of course and told him to mind his own business. I didn't really care until he brought my mother into it. But he was wrong. My mother would not have been ashamed of me or any of my choices. "I love you. No matter what," is what she said to me just before I made the choice to leave her, and she did. She loved me to the end. And wherever she is, if she is anywhere at all, she still does. Although now I'm starting to think that maybe we could have avoided our current situation if we had just stayed in separate tents like Marcus told us to.

"Tris..."

"I'm pregnant," I say, not quite meeting his eyes. I wasn't quite sure how to begin the conversation so I figured I might as well start with that. His arms fall to his side and his mouth opens. He stands there in silence just staring at me and it kills me. I can't read his expression, but I do know that quiet is dangerous with Tobias.

"Are you sure?" It's all that he can manage to say after what feels like a thousand long seconds of silence.

"Yes. I've been feeling sick lately, so this morning I went to see a nurse at Amity."

His eyes open wide at my comment. "Tris, you know we're not supposed to go there. If we're seen by any of the Dauntless traitors we could get the entire faction charged with treason."

 _Well it's not my fault that the camp has no clinic of any kind._

"I was careful," I say softly, not wanting to upset him any more than he already seems to be. "I just wanted to be sure. I'm sorry." I stare at the ground and at his dark T-shirt and at the black ink curling around his neck, but I don't look at his face. I'm afraid to look into his eyes; afraid of what I'll see there. Afraid that he doesn't want this.

"Why didn't you tell me that you were sick? That you thought you were pregnant? I would have gone with you." He raises my chin and forces me to look at him. His dark blue eyes look as troubled as I feel but to my relief I don't see any anger in them.

"I didn't want you to worry," I shrug and then turn my face away. "It could have been nothing." And it _could_ have been nothing. Christina told me that it's normal to miss a period or two under stressful situations. And considering that both of my parents were shot dead before my eyes, I would not have been surprised if I had missed my period for another year.

"How long have you suspected?" He crouches a little to match his height with mine. He raises my chin gently, forcing me yet again to look at him. A deep rumble moves through me like a shudder.

"About two weeks," I say.

Tears fill my eyes as I answer his question and the weight of the fear that I had been carrying around crushes me. He quickly pulls me into him as he sooths me, rubbing his hand up and down my back. I sob into his chest, clutching on to his shirt. After months of crying I'm surprised that I still have any tears left at all. He holds me tighter than I think he ever has. I think I can feel him shaking.

"I can't be pregnant, Tobias." But I am. "It's not safe. What if something happens to the baby? And what are we gonna do about the mission? I don't know what to tell the others. I've messed up everything." All my thoughts escape my lips at once. Too fast for me to stop them from pouring out. But I don't regret them. This is my fault. I wanted to get lost in him. I wanted to forget the grief and the pain if only just for a moment.

"I'm not worried about the mission, Tris," his voice breaking, "I'm worried about you, both of you."

I look at him. His eyes are wet. I never thought I would see Tobias cry. It makes me hurt. And it reminds me just how frightening this all is. He pulls me back into him as he breaths deeply into my hair and then says, "And this isn't your fault. I'm as much to blame."

He's right. We both did this. Still, I can't help but feel like the worst person in the world. I'm the one who recklessly got pregnant during a time as dark as this one, where tomorrows are uncertain. I've not only endangered my own life, but the life of the innocent child within me. Neither can I stop myself from feeling entirely responsible for destroying the mission. After all, he still gets to go. I don't.

"Don't worry about the others," he says. "I'll do the talking."

"Thank You," I say.

It was hard enough for me to tell Tobias that I was pregnant with his child. I can't imagine what I would say in front of everybody else. A strange feeling takes over me, and it feels a lot like shame. Like I've been stripped naked in front of a crowd. Only I have been stripped before, that day when Peter yanked my towel away from me during initiation. This shame feels worse than that shame, but it is quickly replaced by a stronger feeling.

"I'm scared, Tobias," I whimper.

"Me too," he whispers into my hair. "But it'll be ok. We'll readjust the plan, we'll take back the city, and me, you and our baby will be safe." His voice is strong, determined. "Everything will be ok." Although I'm not so sure I'm the one he's trying to convince.

"Come on," he says to me as he gently leads me over to our bed. The planks of wood that line the ground floor creak beneath our feet as we walk. I slide open the thick, dark bed curtains and as I sit down he removes my coat and shoes and helps me get changed into more comfortable clothes. He is gentle. His touch against my skin comforting.

Maybe it was foolish of me to even think that he would have been upset. I can tell that he's worried about me. I'm worried about him too. I've had time to suspect, confirm and accept my fate. He has not. All of a sudden I feel guilty for not telling him sooner. I'm sure this is not how he planned to spend his evening.

When night falls, I just lay there in the darkness, surrounding myself with as much of his body as I can. Neither of us speaks, and neither of us sleeps. Tomorrow we must face our friends and tell them that we've managed to sabotage a plan that took three months to ready, that in a few months I won't be able to defend myself, much less this city. The thought makes me want to laugh and then scream at the top of my lungs.

We've turned what was supposed to be one of life's most joyous moments into an undeniably ill-fated situation. What have we done?

* * *

It takes forever for morning to come. Possibly because I've been awake all night and every second had felt like ten; or maybe because I've been dreading it ever since Tobias and I went to bed. I spin around to face him and he sits up a little. He looks just as restless as I imagine I do. I'm not so sure it's a good day so I don't say so.

"I'm staying with you." His words come out of nowhere. He's been thinking about this all night too.

"Tobias, you have to go. They need you," I say.

"But you need me here," he says. "You come first, Tris. You know that."

My heart skips a beat when I fully understand what he is saying to me. I am more important to him than saving this city from the malevolent reign of Jeanine Matthews. I am not sure if that is flattering or nonsensical.

"But if you don't go and they fail?" He'll never forgive himself. The probability of success goes way down if Tobias isn't on board. It's bad enough that I'm not going. But that's not what I say. "This isn't the world I want our baby to grow up in."

I know that it is the only argument that will make him leave me here alone with our unborn child for an indefinite amount of time. It could take up to six months before we get all the information we need. And that's just before we attack. He could miss my entire pregnancy. He could miss the birth of our child. The thought terrifies me. I'll always want to be wherever Tobias is, and I'll always want him to be wherever I am, but this is bigger than either of us. "If you go with them, they have a better chance," I say.

"I don't want to leave you here alone, Tris. I'll miss everything," he says. His eyes look pained and he leans closer to me, his fingers brushing over my forehead, my eyebrows, my cheeks, my lips.

"But it's the only way to make sure we'll always be safe," I say. I rub my palm gently against his check. He takes my hand and presses it to his mouth, leaving a small kiss there. It's decided.

"Ben's gonna come back once a month right?" I whisper. "We can send messages." I try to force a smile through the tears that are now streaming toward my makeshift pillow, but I fail miserably. He doesn't need to tell me that that is not enough. I already know this. He touches my face again, his thumb skimming my cheekbone, and his eyes are on mine, intense and insistent. He stares deep into my wet eyes as I stare back into his dark blue ones. We have a silent, unspoken conversation.

 _I have to go_

 _I know_

 _I don't want to_

 _I don't want you to_

 _It will be painful_

 _Every single second of it_

He kisses me. I become aware of every slide of his lips against mine. I feel pain and comfort and desperation all at once rising from somewhere deep within my chest and emptying itself upon my cheeks through closed eyelids. His thumb wipes away my tears as our lips move and he pulls me deeper into the kiss before slowly pulling away. He holds my face in his hands and places a soft kiss on my forehead before sitting up on the bed and removing his covers and I know that it's time to go.

The sooner the others know the faster they can readjust the plan. I get dressed hesitantly, dreading the unavoidable chat we're about to have with them.

"Ready?" he asks me. I am not. My stomach clenches with fear but I take a deep breath and say, "yes," anyway. He walks over to me and takes my hand, reminding me that I'm not doing this alone. His hand is cold and rough and his fingers fit perfectly between mine. It makes me feel stronger for just a moment.

"Good," he says firmly. "Let's go."

* * *

 **A/N: Please let me know what you thought of this chapter!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you guys so much for your support!**

 **Your comments really made my day :) This is my first fanfic ever and it's my baby so I'm glad you guys like it.**  
 **I'm still figuring out the sight so I'm only now learning how to make an A/N**

 **The first chapters of this story are a history lesson and sort of an introduction to the actual meat of the story. When we get to the present day, I will let you know :)**

 **Plz do stick around and keep commenting! :)**

 **Hope you all enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

 **2\. The Announcement**

 **TRIS**

Hand in hand, we walk into the meeting tent. It's the largest tent in the camp. It is almost twice as high as Tobias is tall. There are papers and maps stuck on the orange canvas walls and flung over the large round desk that sits in the far upper right-hand corner. Tobias and I manoeuvre our feet around the haphazardly thrown home-made, wooden chairs as we make our way over to Zeke, who is in a heated argument with Peter. Or maybe Peter is the only one arguing because Zeke doesn't seem to be paying him much attention. I roll my eyes at the sight of him. A sight that sickens me more than the constant turning of my stomach. I'm not particularly delighted that he followed us after we shut down the simulation. He may be working with us now, but Peter is hardly my ally.

"I say we use their force to take back the city, then after that we do what we all know is best!"

"We can't," Zeke says to Peter with an expressionless face. "We all voted and they won. We gave them our word."

"Well of course they won!" Peter snaps. "It was two hundred of them and fifteen of us. And I'm not Candor anymore so my word is worthless." Somehow I think it always was, even when he was Candor.

"We're not getting rid of the factions, Peter. It's final." Zeke is a lot calmer than he should be. Peter doesn't get to him.

"Yeah, whatever." Peter kicks at the dirt floor- it's nice to see dirt- and walks over to the middle of the tent, crossing his arms and leaning his back on the central post. I'm not sure that's a good idea. I'd wish he'd fall if it never meant the large tent caving in on all of us.

Zeke is right though. It would not be wise to trick the loyal Dauntless. They've already been used once. If we go against our word they could just as easily overthrow us too after we set up the new government. I'm not sure why Peter is so eager to disband the faction system though. Evelyn must have gotten to him. He spent a lot of time with her during her short stay here. She withdrew her support when we lost the vote, and we only lost because the factionless soldiers weren't allowed to vote for the sake of 'impartiality', as the Dauntless put it. They suggested that we could not expect the factionless to do anything other than vote for a life of factionlessness just to punish everybody else. So, just their leader was allowed to vote; my boyfriend's apparently not dead mother.

I thought it was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. The Dauntless are just as biased toward the system and ironically enough, I think that the factionless not being able to have a say in the future of this city is exactly why we need to get rid of the factions. But the vast majority of the rebellion feels otherwise. We don't have a choice.

Christina walks in soon after. She and Zeke along with a small party of the loyal Dauntless were brought to the camp sight shortly after the attack simulation. Tori and many others remained, pretending to have sided with the Erudite in order to gain information, and it would have been too suspicious if too many of them disappeared all at once. It took a while, but they were able to determine who was with us and who wasn't. It's one of the reasons the planning had taken so long.

Christina hangs up her jacket on the rack and takes her spot beside Zeke, glancing at me for answers. I don't look at her. That should be an answer in itself.

"There's been a change of plans," Tobias says. His words catch his best friend's attention. Asides from Tobias and I, Zeke is the other mastermind behind this mission. "Tris isn't a part of this mission anymore."

"Too dangerous for you, Stiff?" Peter taunts me from the middle of the tent. "I was beginning to think you were fearless. Guess I was wrong." I ignore him. It's the only way I can resist smacking him.

Zeke walks over to us. "What's going on, Four?" His eyebrows lift.

"She's pregnant. She can't go." Tobias speaks only for Zeke to hear but somehow Peter does too.

"She's what?! No way! I didn't even know you guys did that. Way to go, Stiff."

"Shut up, Peter," Christina scowls as she walks past him. Things had been weird between us at first after I told her about Will, but she has clearly forgiven me. It makes me wonder what she did while under the simulation.

"What?" says Peter. "It's not like I told her that she just ruined this mission cause she was too busy getting busy with Four."

"I said shut up!" Christina turns around and grabs Peter by the throat, pinning him against the post. The tent shakes.

"Christina!" Zeke yells with a small smile. She growls at Peter before letting him go.

"I can take her place," she says while walking toward us as if she wasn't just crushing Peter's esophagus. "We'll just shift some people around. It's ok, Tris. Really."

We all know it won't be that easy. Half of this mission is strategy and being able to think on our feet as we gather information and the situation evolves. The others rely on me to predict Erudite behaviour and to formulate plans. Improvising is not Christina's strong suit but I do appreciate her trying to not make me feel any worse than she knows I already do.

Zeke thinks about this for a while and then he says, "Well if we're gonna shift things around then we'd better get started. We don't have much time." He speaks carefully. There is no harshness or judgement in his tone. I'm suddenly glad that two of the three people in this tent are loyal friends. I am not so sure that the rest of the planning committee will be so understanding. That is when I realize that this is why Tobias wanted to make the announcement so early. Marcus hasn't arrived yet. Neither has Caleb. I can't imagine either of them being too happy about this.

* * *

Tobias walks me back to our tent, our fingers laced together. I forgot to put on my gloves, but my fingers are warmed by his. His skin always feels nice against mine, though it's not smooth or soft. The morning air is bitter cold and it makes me shiver and bounce on my toes as I walk. Tobias smiles a little and then he pulls me closer to him. He should be planning with the others but I don't stop him from coming with me. We only have a few days left together before he leaves. Every second together feels important.

"What do you think Marcus is gonna say?" I ask him as I sit myself on the bed to remove my shoes. Tobias clenches his jaw at the mere thought of his father.

"I don't know," he says as he removes his coat. "Quite frankly I don't care. I'd prefer you stay away from him for the next couple days." His voice is tense and rough the way it usually is when he's talking about Marcus. I don't even know how he's survived these past months. He's had to interact with Marcus almost every day.

"Ok," I say, letting that conversation end there. He sits beside me, pulling me closer to his side and I rest my head on his shoulder. His fingers are cold and he smells like sweet air and snowflakes.

"And Caleb?" he asks. "I don't think he likes me very much. He won't be too thrilled either."

It's not that Caleb doesn't like Tobias. He's just scared of him. And that two year age difference really gnaws at him the way an animal sinks its teeth into bone. I smile as an unexpected thought pops into mind. "He should be thrilled. He's gonna be an uncle," I say.

"And I'm gonna be a dad," Tobias says with a grin. It stretches across the entire width of his face and I can almost see his back row of teeth.

"Yeah, you will be," I say, nodding my head and chuckling a little. We've been so caught up in the danger that surrounds us, and the plans that need to be rearranged that we haven't really gotten around to celebrating our little one. He or she deserves better than that.

"Tris," he says to me, lacing his fingers with mine and turning his body a little to face me better. "I know that maybe this isn't how or when we would have wanted this," He places his free hand around my waist and turns me to him, "But having a family with you is something that I definitely want."

His words answer an unspoken question that's been tugging at me ever since I found out I was pregnant. We haven't been together that long. I know he loves me, but that doesn't mean that he wants children. I'm glad to know that he does. Incredibly glad.

My eyes become wet with emotion and my lips crash against his and we kiss for what feels like a lifetime. I savour the pressure of his mouth and the taste of our kiss and the texture of his skin as I slip my hand beneath his shirt. I am taking it off when we are interrupted by a flash of dim sunlight followed by slow, uninvited footsteps walking into our tent.

"Beatrice?" Caleb calls out to me. I guess he's heard. He can't see me past the thick bed curtains but I know he knows I am here.

"I should go talk to him," I whisper apologetically against Tobias' lips. He kisses me on my cheek before helping me with my coat and ushering me to the makeshift door. Caleb doesn't look at him as we turn to walk outside. He walks and I follow. He'll start talking when he's ready.

I stare at the back of his head as he walks and his dark hair is the only thing about him that I recognize. His shirt is Amity yellow and his coat is a bright red. Seeing him in Erudite blue was strange. This is stranger still.

We walk until we're clear of the camp, our only company being the tall, bare, white trees around us and the empty nests that used to be homes. The air is cold and it burns my nostrils on the way in, but it is fresh. The air was never fresh in Dauntless.

"Is it true?" Caleb asks me, his eyes wide. He looks at my stomach as if he can see through my coat or as if it would look any bigger than it did yesterday. Suddenly it occurs to me that I should have told him before anyone else did.

"Yes," I say.

Rage fills Caleb's eyes and he storms back to the tent. "I'll kill him!"

I'd love to see him try.

"No you won't! Caleb!" I grab his arm and he stops. He jerks his head around and he looks at where my fingers are locked around his arm. I can tell that he's surprised by how strong I am.

"This isn't right, Beatrice." He shakes his head, and his eyes lock on mine. "He's older than you! He practically took advantage of you!"

His words infuriate me and for a split second I want to slap him. Lucky for him my dominant hand is grabbing at his arm. "He didn't take advantage of me, Caleb." I spit the words at him, struggling to keep the venom out of my voice.

"Didn't he? You're only sixteen, Beatrice."

I try to steady my breath and calm my anger. I suppose that when looking at it from my older brother's point of view, I do understand why he's angry. But he's never understood Tobias and I. I am not a silly little girl with a crush and Tobias is not playing games with me. We are in love. And that is all.

"I know," I say. "But it's my fault too."

Caleb looks at me and sighs heavily. "I know we talked about this, about him. I told you I wasn't comfortable with it but that I'd try for your sake." His face is red. I can't remember ever seeing his face change colour before. "But this, he crossed a line." His lower lip wobbles. He pulls his hand away and I release my grip. "If anything happens to you Beatrice, don't expect me to forgive him."

It's the last thing he says before walking away. I'm half expecting him to go after Tobias, but he doesn't. Under normal circumstances the thought wouldn't even cross his mind. But I have never seen Caleb so furious. I had become wary of him chastising me at the dinner table as if I were a child. And even now I wish he'd stop questioning my decisions as if he were somehow responsible for me. But I don't want to fight with my brother. Now that our parents are gone, he is the only family that I have left. I am the only family that _he_ has left. That is why he is so angry. My brother is afraid for my life. I am too.

As I head back to my tent, still recovering from my encounter with Caleb, a large, cold and calloused hand stretches out from behind a tree, grabbing my wrist and yanking me to the side. I writhe, throwing all my strength into the struggle.

"You can't seriously be considering having this child!" I recognize his gruff voice even before I see his face.

"Let go of me, Marcus," I say, my throat tight. I pull my hand away from his death grip.

"I know a nurse in Amity who is skilled in dealing with situations like these."

"Are you serious?!" I shout in disbelief. "Get away from me! You're disgusting!" I turn to run but he pulls me back.

"Do you really think I'll let you sabotage everything we've built just so that you can play mommy?"

"Are you threatening me?" I snap. But he's not. He's threatening my baby. I yank my hand away again. My skin throbs from where he gripped it.

Before he can answer Tobias comes out of nowhere slamming his father against the tree and pinning him by the shoulder. The force of it shakes the branches and thick snowflakes fall like rain around us.

"Don't you ever touch her," he says. His voice is quiet but dark. "I thought I made it clear last time that you don't even get to speak to her. Apparently I wasn't clear enough."

"You're both being foolish, Tobias," Marcus growls as he pushes Tobias' hand off his shoulder. "You're creating unnecessary problems. This can be dealt with."

Tobias' eyes open wide at the realization of just what his father was suggesting to me. "Are you out of your mind?" he hisses through his teeth as he takes a step closer to Marcus. Their faces only inches apart.

"No. But you both have certainly lost yours. Who knows if it will even survive this?" Marcus spits. My blood boils as I hear him refer to my baby as _it_. How is it that he is simultaneously a man who thinks it is ok to beat and murder children and a man who parades around as the self-effacing leader of Abnegation? He is effusively disgusting and I hate him. "Even if it does," Marcus continues, "Think of the life it'll have–"

Tobias grabs him by the throat. Hard.

"You of all people do _NOT_ get to give me parenting advice!" He spits the words at his father before throwing him against the tree. His anger fuelling his strength. Marcus rubs at his neck. Fury is evident in his eyes, but even if he was at his strongest, he still wouldn't be as strong as his son.

"You're both reckless and selfish," says Marcus, his voice scratchy. "This isn't easy for me, Tobias. It _is_ after all my grandchild."

"Our child is _nothing_ to you!" I scowl bitterly at him. The short lived smirk that quickly found and lost Tobias' face tells me that he couldn't agree more.

I watch as he stares into his father's eyes, making sure that he understands this last part. "This is your last warning," he says, again in that dark quiet voice. "If you come within one mile of her I will drag you to the ends of the earth before throwing you off. And if you _ever_ touch her again, I _will_ kill you."

Marcus looks at us both with harsh eyes and he wrinkles his nose in disgust before walking away and my eyes follow him until his image dissolves. I walk toward Tobias as if approaching a wild animal, each footstep careful on the snow covered earth. I gently place my hand on his back.

"You ok?" He doesn't look ok. He looks like he's about to explode. My touch seems to bring him back.

"Are _you_? Did he hurt you?" he takes my hand, examining it. He must have seen when Marcus grabbed me.

"No, I'm fine."

We head back to the tent quietly. I never expected Caleb or Marcus to be happy about this. But I never thought that I would have to deal with them one after the other, or that Marcus would be sinister enough to suggest that I murder my own child.

I pass the next few days in my tent. Rae and Christina come over once or twice to visit but neither of them stays for too long. They know I want to spend as much time as I can with Tobias before he leaves for Erudite. I don't see Marcus again. He must have decided to heed his son's warning. Caleb drops by though. He didn't want to leave without making sure things were ok between us, but he is still not Tobias' biggest fan. He made that very clear. I hope that they can all put their differences aside and work together for the sake of the city.

My last day with Tobias is the hardest. Tomorrow is just a day away and neither of us is prepared for it. But we do our best to make the most of it. Our last night is a passionate one. It is slow and deep, filled with emotion and wanting and love. We take in as much of each other as we possibly can, overfilling ourselves in preparation for the famine ahead of us. It's a good thing I'm already pregnant. We have no reason to hold back.

* * *

As I open my eyes I realize that it is morning when I see Tobias already awake. He's been watching me sleep. My eyes well up with tears all of a sudden and without warning I begin to sob and he pulls me into his chest.

"I'm not ready," I say, my words muffled by his shirt. He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't need to. He squeezes me tightly and I know that he's not ready either. Could we ever really be? I look over his shoulder and I see his large backpack resting on the central post of our tent. He has already packed, after all he's not taking much. He doesn't have much to take. Still, it must be later than I realize. "How much time do we have?" I ask him.

"Not much," he says.

As he says the words I hear Zeke's voice just outside the tent yell, "Four!"

"Yeah. I'll be right there," Tobias calls back.

The ache inside my chest intensifies as I realise that I only have minutes, maybe seconds left. He looks at me and it's hard to blink the tears back when I see the pain in Tobias' wide, dark eyes. I walk with him to the middle of our tent, and then I just can't contain it anymore. I throw my arms around him, pulling myself to his chest and crying into his shirt, the blood squeezed out of my knuckles as I grab hold of him.

"Promise me that you'll come back," I plead with him. "And that you'll stay safe." My desperation smothers each word. He grabs my face and kisses me with an intensity that reflects his own desperation. Everything melts around me and I never want this moment to end. Neither of us is willing to let go. But he has to answer me. "Promise me," I beg.

He presses his thumbs under my chin, tilting my head back so his forehead meets mine. For a moment he stands there, his eyes closed, breathing my air. I feel the pulse in his fingertips. I feel the warmth of his breath. "Tris," he says slowly, "I promise you that as long as it is in my power, I will come back to you. Always."

I know that it's all he can promise me but my heart aches for more. I want to hear that he'd run a thousand miles, that he'd kill a thousand men, that he'd do the impossible if that's what it took to come back to me. He squeezes me tightly one last time before kissing my forehead. I close my eyes, letting all my other senses take him in. We are so close now that our breaths mix on the way in and on the way out.

"I love you," he whispers against my mouth and then he touches his lips to mine. Their gentle pressure erases the pain and takes me away to better times, and I am the girl who sat on the rocks next to the chasm and kissed him for the first time. I am the girl who sat on his lap and kissed him on a late night train ride.

"I love you too," I whimper more than say when he pulls away.

I don't open my eyes. I know that he's about to walk away and I cannot bear to watch. I hear his footsteps against the planks as he walks out of the tent. I feel like a space has opened up within me, expanding so rapidly it will break me apart. I'm about to lose it, but then I feel a tiny hand grab mine. At first I'm not sure I want her to see me like this. Then I look down at her, her face just as red and blotchy and her grey eyes just as tear-filled as mine. I've never noticed Rae's eyes before. They're almost silver. Beautiful. Not dull like mine.

We stand there for a while, hand in hand. Both staring at the dark curtain that covers the entrance of our tiny home, hoping he will change his mind and come back although we know he won't. She breaks the silence.

"He left me in charge," she says, looking up at me sternly. "I'm supposed to make sure that you and the baby are ok."

I nod.

"Don't make it hard for me. Ok?"

An unexpected smile finds itself set across my face. "Of course not," I say to her. Tobias knows Rae is the only one I'd listen to anyway. She's become like a daughter to us. She leads me to the bed and beckons me to sit. We're at eye level. In that moment I can't help but notice how striking her features are. I tuck her long hair behind her ears to get a better look at her. She'll be a beautiful woman one day.

"I know you're upset and you probably don't want to see people right now," she says. "But you've got to eat. So I'll tell my dad to bring your food to your tent. And I'm staying with you until Four comes back. My dad's ok with it." She is obviously not giving me a choice in any of this. But I wouldn't object to either proposition. We are gonna get along just fine, Rae and I.

It's hard for me to fall asleep without the warmth of Tobias' chest pressed against my back, or the weight of his strong arm around my middle and although it doesn't quite fill the void that plagues me, feeling Rae's tiny body curled up against mine helps me sleep that night. I choose to push aside the pain of missing Tobias and I pretend that the life of our baby is not in complete danger. I decide to let my heart be warmed by the thought of our little one curled up against us, in a better world. The one we'll create when Tobias and the others take back the city. It's the only thought that makes this all worthwhile. It's the only dream that I look forward to. So I let myself dream it.


	3. Chapter 3

**3\. Confessions**

 **TOBIAS**

There is a certain power in intertwining the essence of your very being with someone else's. But there is also a vulnerability in it.

When I had no reason to keep breathing I met Tris and she became my reason. She is the reason why I wake up every morning and feel powerful and strong in a way I never have. She is the reason that I have come to believe that I may be worth something and that I could be capable of great things.

But today my reason isn't on this train with me and as it slips closer and closer into the city, so does she slip farther and farther away from me. It makes me feel weak and worthless and it makes it significantly harder to breathe.

My mind should be on the mission.

My mind should be on saving this city.

But if this city were to burn to the ground and Tris would remain, I'd want for nothing.

I know that she will be safe in the camp, and to be honest there's a large part of me that's glad for it. Especially now that she carries a precious part of both of us inside of her. But her absence is stifling.

Zeke keeps sending small smiles in my direction. He and Shauna have been away from each other for the past three months and he has tried to cheer me up as if he knows what this feels like, but he doesn't understand that it is not the same.

I am not an ordinary man and Tris is not an ordinary woman. I am weak and she is my anchor. She is the rock that keeps my feet grounded. She is the force that keeps the broken pieces of me from falling apart. Doing this without her is like being lost without a compass.

But there is something else, something else that has been eating away at me ever since Tris told me that she was pregnant.

Her brother, Caleb, hasn't looked at me since we left the camp. But I don't want him to. I'm afraid that he will take one good look at me and he will see it in my eyes. He will see that Tris being defenceless and vulnerable while there are two hundred Dauntless traitors looking for her is not the greatest danger to the child she carries.

I am.

There are few things in this world of which I am certain. One of those things is that I have no idea how to be a father. I will marry Tris one day and we will have a family. I _want_ a family. I do. But that is despicably selfish of me, because I have no business wanting such things.

What do I know about loving a child? I know only of small, dark closets and loud, cruel words.

What do I know about hugs? I know only of slaps and kicks and the sting of a belt on my bare back.

The train car wobbles and I lift my eyes. They meet _his_ at just the wrong moment and it makes me want to tear them out. I hate those eyes. Most days I dare not look in the mirror lest I see them, lest I see _him_.

 _He_ is the reason why I am terrified to become someone's father. _He_ is the reason why my body stiffens and my heart races at the thought of a tiny Tris or a tiny me smiling up at me, looking to me for love and protection and all the things that I have no idea how to give because they were never given to me.

He turns his eyes away, but I don't. I take a good look at the monster that I could so easily become. His blood flows through my veins the way my mother's blood flows through them, and as they flow and mix together they make me an equal blend of rage and venom.

Sometimes when I think about the mother I had before she died, I think that I can muster up enough happy memories to convince myself that I could be a good parent. But the mother that was reborn from that death, the vile and bitter woman who will do anything to get what she wants, kills that dream.

I don't know anything. I don't know anything at all. But I do know that I love Tris, and I know that being with her has shown me that I _can_ be better. I _can_ be. Although, I don't know _how_ to be, because I only know what _not_ to do.

Maybe that is the rock on which I must build myself. I pray that it is enough.

I pray that it is enough.

* * *

 **A/N: Short chapter, but please comment and let me know what you think of it :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:  
Hey guys! This chapter is not thrilling, Tris **_**is**_ **depressed after all, but as far as history lessons go it's very important so pay attention! ;)**

* * *

 **4\. His Absence**

 **TRIS**

I open my eyes slowly. Rays of bright, orange sunlight glow through the front curtain as the wind ushers it back and forth. It's dawn. The scent of spring; green things, growing things, fresh grass and fruit fill the air in my tent. It smells like rain. It is beautiful, but I can't say that it does much to improve my mood. I awake with just as little enthusiasm as I did yesterday.

Today is another day without Tobias. Another day that my mind paces back and forth unsure if the man I love is safe or even still alive.

He's reassured me in his short, cryptic letters that everything is all right so far and that he misses me. I get a letter once a month when Ben comes back to the camp for food supplies. It is the only day of the month when I feel like the air is not so thick and I can actually breathe it. I'm not sure I would be able to wake up at all if the letters ever stopped. The reality that the father of my child may never return to me is torturous. There is nothing great about waking up to that.

Tobias is probably relieved somehow that I had to stay in the camp where I'd be safe. The camp is far enough away from the Amity compound and the Dauntless traitors don't know it exists to come looking for it.

I am safe, but what about _him_? Who is covering his back or pushing him out of the line of fire? I should be there with him, fighting by his side, protecting him.

 _Don't be ridiculous_ , I think to myself. Why would the man who taught me how to throw a punch and shoot a gun need _my_ protection.

Maybe he doesn't. Maybe I just want to be where he is.

I pull down the covers a little to look down at my now protruding abdomen that reminds me why I couldn't have gone. I swallow the guilt of letting him go like it's bile, forcing it to return to whichever dark part of me it came from. Because I cannot bear to blame the tiny one inside of me for being the reason I could not go with him. I cannot blame myself for becoming pregnant as if though it's a burden, a setback, the evil thing that keeps me from protecting Tobias.

I push myself up and gently slip out of the bed. I don't want to wake Rae. She's wrapped tightly in her favourite yellow blanket, strands of her hair falling across her face. I leave her a note.

I am definitely not taking her with me after the way she practically scolded me last time. She doesn't take it well when I don't want to cooperate. And more often than not, I don't want to cooperate.

 _Gone to see Charity then will get breakfast_

 _Be back soon_

Charity is the nurse Tobias brought to the camp from Amity. I am her only patient. The medical technology in the camp is practically non-existent, so my days are controlled; what and how much of it I eat, how much I rest, how long I stay on my feet. All in an attempt to make sure that this pregnancy goes as smoothly as possible given the conditions. Or better yet, the lack of them. There is no ultrasound, so I won't know the sex of my baby or how healthy he is until he is born.

The truth is, I'm not even exactly sure how far along I am. Charity has made an educated guess based on the times Tobias and I were together, the last period I remember having, and the size of my stomach. She measures me every other week to make sure the baby is growing fine.

So far everything has seemed normal. I can only hope that Tobias returns before the baby is born. I can only hope that Tobias returns at all.

I slip my feet into my boots and leave the tent quietly. Charity's tent is a lot farther from the others than it needs to be. It's not on the field like the others are, instead it is slightly deeper in the forest. I always enjoy the walk and the smell of fresh wind, although not as much as she does. I've noticed her fondness of Mother Nature.

* * *

I move aside the front curtain as I step in. There is a wind chime hung over it and it makes a light tinkling sound as I enter the tent. Charity's tent is much larger than Tobias' and mine, since it is both her home and her clinic. There are tiny trinkets and ornaments hung up on the walls and there are several small, wooden sculptures on the ground that seem to serve no purpose other than decoration.

The Abnegation in me shivers.

Charity is expecting me so she greets me before turning around.

"Good morning, Tris," she says as she spreads the bed on which I have my monthly 'examinations.' I guess it's that time again. I don't respond. I don't mind my weekly appointments where we talk about food and exercise and that extra pound that I should gain. But this, I hate this.

I feel my face going slack at the thought of it.

Charity turns around. She smiles at me and playfully taps the corner of my sagging lip, prodding me to smile. I do, but only a little.

She is not like the other Amity women I've met. She's nice but not in an overbearing kind of way. We've actually become close.

"Hop up," she says while patting on the bed. I only do so because I know there's no way I am getting out of this. The bed is hard, too hard. Not meant for sleeping. And there is a pedal at either side of the bottom of it where I'm supposed to put up my feet.

Asides from Rae, Charity is the other person Tobias made swear to take care of me and our baby. She refused payment of any kind so I'm not sure why she took on the responsibility. Especially since she and her eight year old daughter, Sarah, had to relocate to the camp.

From the sterile bin, she removes a pair of gloves and the cold, metal, cylindrical device that I have come to loathe and I wince. I don't know why. Bigger things have been inside me.

She laughs at me as I beg her to skip this month's examination. Her bouncy red hair springing up and down as she laughs. She has a nice laugh. Sometimes it makes me laugh back.

Sometimes.

"You know I have to do this, Tris," she says while placing a hand on my stomach. I stare up at her with puppy dog eyes hoping she will feel sorry for me but I know it's a lost cause. I notice her eyes though. They are an interesting shade of brown that I've never seen before. They've always been beautiful, but today her eyes seem brighter somehow, glowing.

I am crudely awakened from my thoughts as discomfort washes over me and I ask Charity to remind me again why this is even necessary.

"You do know that a baby is gonna come out of here right?," she says. "And I can promise you that he's gonna be bigger than my hand."

"That's comforting," I say wryly, rolling my eyes. I try to behave for the rest of the visit. It wasn't too bad today but I'm still glad I didn't bring Rae.

* * *

I go to the cafeteria afterward. It's nice out so I decide to have breakfast outdoors for a change.

I walk up to the serving area and stare at the nine large wooden bowls in front of me, each filled with something different, trying to decide what to eat. I am not hungry. The concept of food alone nauseates me, especially after that experience, but I know that I must eat. I'd rather not eat bread laced with peace serum, but at this point I feel so violated I'm almost certain that I need a pick me up.

Charity tells me over and over that as hard as it is I should try to not worry about Tobias and Caleb so much and that anxiety negatively affects the growth and development of the baby. She says the peace serum is completely safe throughout my pregnancy and encourages me to take it if it'll help me feel better throughout the day. So I grab a glass of milk, an apple, plain chicken breast and put a couple slices of bread into my tray.

I see an empty table near to where a pack of Abnegation is seated and I guide my feet in the opposite direction. I don't ever sit with them. I'd rather not participate in careful, polite Abnegation conversation. And I am much too desolate to sit with the Amity. Thankfully, empty tables aren't hard to find these days.

The camp has been relatively deserted since Tobias and the others left. It's just me, a few Dauntless soldiers, about thirty Abnegation refugees, the Amity staff and their families. But the Amity are always busy doing something and the Abnegation are always busy helping them do it.

I see David, Rae's father, heading my direction with his overly stacked tray of food. He is skinny for someone who eats that much. I examine his pale skin, thin, short blond hair and round, baby blue eyes. Rae looks nothing like him at all.

"It's so nice of you to join us today, Tris," he says, a little too cheerily. I imagine he's glad he doesn't have to deliver my breakfast today.

He smiles at me. He has a wide, white smile. "Can I join you?" he asks.

I smile a little. Any friend of Rae's is a friend of mine. Lucky for me her father seems to be the only other person she talks to.

"Sure," I say. I scoot over a bit, giving him space to sit. He and Tobias used to talk every once in a while but I haven't ever really had a conversation with David so I am not sure what we will talk about. Should I feel bad that I don't know much about the man whose daughter I've stolen?

Before I can think of what to say, he does.

"Rae's been spending a lot of time with you lately. She seems to really like you." He takes up a scoop of beans into his large spoon and shoves it into his mouth.

"I'm sorry if she's away too much," I say apologetically.

"No, it's no problem at all," he insists. "She doesn't make friends easily so I'm really glad she has you."

His mouth tenses a little and his eyebrows press together, making a face that appears more serious than I think the comment deserves. But then I remember that Rae is not your typical seven year old Amity girl. She is not your typical anything. That's when I realize that I have never seen him reprimand his daughter about her very un-Amity ways. He must know that she is not meant for this faction, and therefore he doesn't force her to behave as such. That is very kind of him. Or dangerous, maybe. I am not sure which.

"That's a very special girl you've got there." I stuff my mouth with too much bread but I chew and swallow anyway.

"Yeah, she's amazing," he says. "You know she's a lot like her mother was."

Was. I always wanted to know if Rae's mother was still around somewhere. I just never had the heart to ask.

"Yeah?" I ask.

He nods.

"She was just as beautiful and smart. Just as strong. Opinionated." His mouth is curled into a small smile as he thinks about her. "Her name was Annabelle. She was Dauntless," he says and my eyes spring open with curiosity. I must say that explains a lot.

"We met at school in Erudite," he continues. "At first she wanted nothing to do with me, but I wanted everything to do with her. I was the skinny Amity boy who fell in love with the bad girl." He chuckles. "Anyway, she transferred to Amity for my sake. I wouldn't have lasted a day in Dauntless. Look at me," he says as he waves his long skinny arms in the air, paying no attention to the food flying off his spoon.  
He should have seen me seven months ago.

I feel the memories of how miserable I had been my first few months here poking at the back of my mind. I can't imagine any Dauntless choosing to live here for the rest of their lives. But then again, if it was the only way I could be with Tobias, I wouldn't think twice. Maybe that's how my mother was able to make the transition from Dauntless to Abnegation; she had my father.

"That must have been hard for her," I say. "The switch, I mean. Fitting in here."

I almost immediately regret my words. Perhaps it was just as difficult for him to have to watch her give up her faction. To my relief he doesn't seem upset. I am always surprised by how passive the Amity are.

"She never did," he replies. "But she didn't care. She wasn't afraid to be herself."

 _Oh_ , I think.

"Some things she gave up," he continues, "and other things she couldn't." He pauses in thought and then a small smile plays over her lips. "She brought her lucky gun." He laughs.

"Her gun?" I ask incredulously. Of all the things she chose to leave behind, she refused to leave her gun?

"Yeah," he smiles. "She brought it with her from Dauntless. Hid it in her clothes when we got to the Amity compound. We buried it in the garden beside our house. She said it would keep us safe."

His smile disappears, and then I can't help but ask, "What happened to her?"

"She got pregnant about a year after we got married. There were… complications during Raelene's birth. She didn't make it." He shakes his head and I'm about to say I'm sorry when he beats me to it. "I'm sorry. This isn't the best thing to be talking about right now."

At first I think it must be because this is hard for him to talk about and I suddenly regret my insensitivity, but then I see him take a quick glance at my large bump and I realize that I'm wrong. He probably thinks it'll scare me.

"It's ok," I say, shaking my head.

It's not that childbirth doesn't scare me, it's just that I haven't spent a lot of time thinking about it. I still have about four months ahead of me according to Charity's calculations. I haven't even started birthing classes yet.

David and I both finish up what's left in our plates in silence, exchanging smiles and glances but no words. He is done while I am still eating my second piece of bread. He leaves with a smile and a friendly goodbye, heading back into the kitchen.

After that conversation, I realize, I don't know any more about David than I did before it. But I do feel like I understand Rae a little better somehow, after learning about her mother.

I can't imagine what it's like for her. I'm not sure which is worse, knowing your mother's face and the sweet sound of her voice and then have her taken away from you, or never having known her at all, having no memories with which to fill the void.

I quickly take up an apple and a glass of milk to take back to the tent for her. She avoids all foods containing peace serum. I imagine her father has told her exactly which ones do. She says that artificial cheerfulness is an insult to our humanity, and she only allows me to take just enough to bring me to my normal temperament for the well-being of the baby. I laugh a little as I think about the fact that a seven year old is the best person Tobias could have left in charge of me.

When I get back to the tent she is already awake. She has the letters on the bed; three of them. One for each month that Tobias has been gone.

"Can you read them to me?" she says, her eyes bright.

"Of course," I say, smiling. She can read them on her own but for some reason she always lets me read them to her. I set her breakfast on the small table and then I sit beside her, taking up the first letter. It's kind of become a habit of ours, doing this. It's all we can do while we wait for the next one.

The small piece of white paper crackles as I slowly unfold it. I read slowly, letting each word sink in.

 _VI_

 _I do hope you're enjoying the wheat. I miss the trees and saying hi to rays of sunshine. Bask in it even when it burns._

 _There's so much to learn from the blue sky. We're almost ready to fly into it._

 _IV_

Rae shakes her head and laughs as she questions how it is that he comes up with all this and commends my ability to make sense of it all. I fold back the letter and place it on the bed before reading the other two. I would read each letter again and again if I could. It's the only part of my day in which I don't feel like I have lost total control.

After I finish reading them all, I place them back into the tiny box where I keep them and set it on the table.

For the remaining fourteen hours of the day I feel like I'm on autopilot and I know that when it's over, tomorrow will be a lot like today. But I inhale, exhale and then repeat. It all just means I'm one breath closer to seeing Tobias again. So I breathe, I breathe, and then I breathe again. 

* * *

**A/N: Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)**

 **Translation of IVs letter for those who may be wondering:**

 _ **I really hope you're doing ok. (Wheat = bread = peace serum = not depressed = doing ok).**_

 _ **I miss the three of you. Say hi to Rae for me. Remember to listen to her, even when you don't like what she has to say.**_

 _ **We've gotten a lot of information about the Erudite. We're almost ready to attack.**_


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thanks for all the wonderful comments guys :) They really make it so much easier to write. And thank you to everyone who is supporting this story! I hope you'll continue to enjoy it! :)**

* * *

 **5\. Charity**

 **TWO MONTHS LATER  
**

 **TRIS**

I swear if I get any bigger I'll be visible from the moon. And by the way Charity has been poking around at my abdomen for the past three weeks with her measuring tape; she doesn't think it's normal either.

"You know, if there's something wrong I want you to tell me," I insist as I struggle to sit myself up on the hard bed. She sets the measuring tape on the table and sits next to me. I'm not so sure that's a good idea, considering the parts of me that have touched this bed.

"Well, as of right now," she says, "there's not much to tell."

I give her a look. I don't believe a word of it.

She sighs.

"You're just a little heavier and a little bigger than you should be. That's all," she says. Her voice is unsteady and she doesn't look me in the eye when she speaks. Most times I can tell when people are lying or hiding something, and right now she is hiding the significance of my size.

"What exactly does that mean?" I ask tensely.

She tilts her head back and lets out a deep breath, clasping her hands together in front of her. She sits up a little straighter and then she says, "Listen, I don't want to scare you, Tris. There are a variety of possibilities here, one of them being that it's nothing, a simple miscalculation. But I won't be sure until Adam is here. And even so, without an ultrasound it might still be difficult for us to say."

Adam is one of the Erudite who defected shortly after the attack on Abnegation. It's handy having a doctor on the team given the real possibility of getting shot during this mission. That, and well, the fact that I'm supposed to be having a baby in six and a half weeks. Tobias has arranged for him to move to the camp for the last month of my pregnancy and delivery.

"And what if it's _not_ nothing?" My voice comes out sounding strangled and too high. I can't look at her. I stare at the canvas ceiling. I feel a flash of anger and betrayal. How long has she been hiding this from me?

After a few seconds of silence she tries to set her hands on mine but I pull them away. "Answer the question, Charity," I demand, frustrated. I press my lips together.

I feel a heat rising in my chest and I'm not sure if it is anger or fear. I feel the trademark symptoms of fear: sweaty palms, racing heart, tightness in my chest, a lump in my throat. But I also feel anger building inside me, slowly boiling and churning my blood.

"That depends on what the problem is," she says in a low voice. She bends her head, hiding her face from me. "I told you, there are several possibilities. But I promise you whatever it is we'll do our best, Tris." Her voice breaks and I find my anger ebbing away. Instead I feel an ache, like I betrayed her, and I immediately wish that I hadn't spoken to her the way I did. I don't ever want to hurt Charity.

I place a gentle hand on hers. She squeezes it.

"Well can you at least tell me what those possibilities are?" I ask, my voice thick with panic and worry etched on my face. My mouth goes dry and I quickly regret asking the question. I am not completely sure that I want to know. I continue talking before she can answer. "I don't understand," I say, shaking my head. "I've done everything you told me to do."

Everything except one.

Tears well up in my eyes as I consider the reality that something may be very wrong with my baby and that it could possibly be my own fault. "Do you think it's because I worry so much about Tobias?" I whimper.

It's really hard for me not to. The peace serum eases my depression, but the underlying anxiety remains, and it haunts me. I cried all day on his birthday.

I muster the strength to look at her. I blink the tears down my cheeks so that I can see her better. She looks up into my eyes and by the look on her face I know this is exactly why she did not want to tell me. I will be restless until Adam gets here, and I'm sure that's not what my baby needs; more restlessness.

The thick drops of tears roll down my cheeks like boulders and I press my palms to my face and sob into them. Charity quickly folds me into her arms. I don't push her away this time. I need her.

Times like these are when I miss my mother most. Pain stabs through me like knives to my chest every time I think of her, so sometimes I try not to. Other times I cannot push the memories from my mind and they overwhelm me. And times like these are when I'm most glad that I have Charity. She's only ten years older than I am, but even so she has always been maternal toward me. Kind of like I am with Rae, I guess. Although, sometimes I feel as if Rae is the mother figure in our relationship.

"Honey, we don't even know if anything's wrong yet. And this is _not_ your fault." She strokes at my hair gently as I land my head on her bosom. It's longer now, my hair. Almost touching my waist.

Charity's hug is always comforting. Asides from Rae, she's the only other Amity I let hug me. She always smells like sweet, burnt essence and she is as soft as I imagine a cloud would be. She's even chubbier now that she's pregnant.

I wasn't sure what to make of that at first. She was barely here for a week when she and Matthew got together, and it wasn't a month later when she got pregnant, although she only told me a month and a half ago. Matthew is one of the Abnegation refugees, but I can't say I've ever seen him before now. I found their relationship strange at first. They never seemed to be bothered by the fact that they were from different factions, or that now might not be the best time to have a baby. Although, I'm sure that Charity's pregnancy was no more planned than mine was.

"I know it's hard," she says, rubbing her hand against my back. "But I don't want you to worry about this ok? When Adam gets here we'll figure it all out. It'll be ok."

I muster the strength to nod. It's not that I don't believe her. It's just that trying not to worry is that much harder when you find out that you have yet one more thing to worry about. I gently release myself from her embrace and I waddle myself off the bed. It squeaks.

I extend my arms as I fill my lungs with the morning air. I close my eyes and I try to steady my heartbeat, just as Tobias taught me to do in my fear simulation. I wipe my cheeks with the heels of my hands and then set both of my palms on my oversized middle and I place the needs of my child over everything else. Right now he needs me to be strong. So that is what I will be.

I imagine myself being as strong as his father is. I think of him.

 _Tobias_

My mind becomes awake at the thought of his name. I feel a rush of serenity and a smile creeps across my face.

 _Tobias_

I continue to mentally whisper his name again and again and it is like fuel to my exhausted body and peace to my restless mind. And in the very instant that I find myself wishing he was here, I feel him somehow. I feel stronger, almost as if in this very moment he is thinking about me too and he knows that I need his strength. I absorb it, letting myself take in as much of it as I can.

And then I exhale.

When I open my eyes I see Charity smiling at me. "What?" I ask, my face still smeared with tears.

"I forget how strong you are," she says while pushing herself up off the bed. "I'm sorry I never told you sooner." Her eyes tell me that her words are genuine. But she overestimates my strength.

After I had told her everything that I had been through, from initiation at Dauntless to shutting down the attack simulation, she seems to believe that I am capable of doing just about anything. She's like Tobias that way. Just as I have always insisted on his worth, Tobias has always insisted on my strength, insisted that my capacity is greater than I believe. I used to think he was right, and maybe then I _was_ strong, but now I am not sure if that is true of me now. Sometimes I feel like I am still the small, insignificant girl from Abnegation.

"It's ok," I say. "I understand why you didn't." I wipe the remaining tears from my eyes and gently rub at the swell of my stomach.

"Are you gonna be ok for the rest of the day, Tris?" She asks as she takes my free hand, her eyes searching my face for an answer. I'm not sure that I will be. I'm not sure how long my borrowed strength will last.

"I'll try." I answer with a smile, but without conviction.

"Good." She smiles back. "You want to go get some breakfast then?" She walks over to the other side of her tent to grab her cup and spoon. She refuses to use the ones at the cafeteria. I squeeze her hand as she leads me out the tent and we walk together toward the camp.

We march to the rustling of leaves as they dance in the wind and the chirping of birds. Charity says that if you listen close enough, you will hear nature's music. Perhaps one day I will listen. I take deep breaths of the cool air. It smells like summer, like grass baking in the heat of the sun.

"Isn't Ben supposed to be coming soon?" she asks me. I know she's trying to take my mind off things, and if there's anything that can make me push aside my horror for just a little while, it's getting a letter from Tobias. A quick smile catches my face. I sniffle before I nod giddily and say, "Yeah."

"So you'll be hearing from Four any day now," she says, smiling.

Our arms are swinging together in the air as we walk. We hang on each other the way Amity girls do and for only half of a fleeting second I consider the ridiculous possibility that maybe I could belong in this faction. I use my free arm to pick a tiny pink flower that is sticking out from one of the bushes on the path. I bring it to my nose. It smells horrid. I laugh and I hand it to her.

"Any day now," I say with a wide grin as she takes the flower from my hand. She twirls it around and smiles at it for a second before tightly tucking the flower behind her left ear. I giggle and I almost don't recognize the sound. It frightens even her.

"Yeah, you should definitely think about that more often," she says and her voices rises, making it almost sound like a question. It's not a bad idea. Unless Ben takes too long to come and my mind starts to generate tragic possibilities.

I smile as I look at my nurse, my friend. The cool wind blows her yellow blouse across her skin, revealing the bump that has only just recently begun to show, since she was never as skinny as I was.

I don't think I would have been able to do this without her. Not without a nurse, without _her_. She helps to fill the emptiness, not by taking anybody else's place, but by earning a place in my heart that is her very own. I thought I wouldn't have had anyone to talk to with Christina gone, especially since I can't talk to Rae about the more 'mature' subjects. But Charity's become a confidant. She has insisted that we must keep in touch when this is all over so that our babies can grow up together and be best friends. I hope that fate is so kind to us.

* * *

 **Please let me know what you guys thought of this chapter :)**

 **And don't worry IceFire15… It's just like Tris said. Any day now :)**

 **P.S- It's my birthday tomorrow ;)**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Thanks so much for the birthday wishes! I had a great day :)  
Please do enjoy this chapter**

* * *

 **6\. Ecstasy**

 **TRIS**

Matthew grins immediately as he sees me and Charity approaching the cafeteria. He sits alone.

He doesn't wait for us to get any closer before he shuffles from behind his table and walks over to us. The wind picks up his blond hair and tosses it across his forehead. He's not cutting it like the Abnegation anymore and he actually looks more comfortable in red and yellow than he ever did in grey. But then again, Abnegation grey is stifling in many more ways than one.

Charity releases my hand and walks a little faster to meet him. I smile at her back as she walks away. Her red hair sways beautifully against it. They meet in the middle and my eyes take them in. Charity is just as short as I am and Matthew is just as tall as Tobias is, but that is where the similarities between our relationships end. After all, nobody is quite like Tobias and I.

Matthew takes both of Charity's hands in his and then he tilts his head down and kisses her. She giggles when he finally pulls away. I've always been intrigued by Matthew. He seems to be indifferent to a lot of the Abnegation values. The fact that his 'not wife' is pregnant speaks volumes. He's lucky Marcus isn't here.

"Hi, Tris," he says to me with a warm smile as I approach them. He's as much Amity as Charity is. In fact, I often wonder if he's Divergent. Either that or he chose the wrong faction.

"Hey Matthew," I say, smiling too. "What's for breakfast?" I inhale deeply and the scent of warm bread and ripe apples fills my lungs. My mouth waters.

"You know, the usual. Fruits. Bread. _Happiness_." He whispers the last word.

"Don't make fun of my faction," says Charity, playfully rolling her light brown eyes a little and prodding an elbow into Matthew's ribs.

"I would never," Matthew says, shaking his head. He winks and then he chuckles. "I spread us a blanket under your favourite tree." He glances in its direction. "Sarah's watching it for me. We can have breakfast there together."

I will never understand Charity's obsession with that particular tree. It looks exactly like all the other trees in the forest; big and green.

"Oh… I told Tris we'd have breakfast together," says Charity. Her eyes plead with mine. I take the hint.

"No, you guys go ahead," I insist, shooing them off with one hand and resting the other on top of my belly. "I'll be fine," I say.

They both smile. Neither of them asks me if I'm sure before they take off, hand in hand.

Love does strange things to people. It changes us. I believe that if there ever were a thing that could persuade this entire city to disregard the faction ideals that have been so strongly cemented into our heads; it would be love.

I watch them as they run off under the summer sun. I am not the only one. The Abnegation have been exchanging glances and mentally whispering about their faction mate ever since they found out he and Charity were together. They don't say it with their lips or to each other, since gossiping is self – indulgent. But the eyes have a language of their own. And if I am to be honest, I am a bit relieved that my very large pregnant belly is no longer the topic of discussion.

I can almost hear Marcus' trademark tone of condescension and self-righteousness telling my friends that their love is foolish and selfish as he seems to think everything is. But love could never be selfish, or it ceases to be love. Precarious is a much more suitable word for it. But Matthew and Charity are holding on to the hope that Tobias and the others will succeed, and it will no longer be forbidden to marry outside our faction. For their sake, I hope so too.

I waddle toward the serving area to examine my breakfast options. I approach the bowls at an angle since simple tasks like bending down or reaching around myself have become problematic. I would be walking around barefoot and naked if it weren't for Rae. I take an orange and a scoop of beans. Charity always stresses the importance of fruits and vegetables and protein. I also have to drink a large glass of milk every day. As far as the Carbohydrates go, I shouldn't eat much bread today. The thought of getting another letter from Tobias already has me giddy and uncharacteristically elated, like a child who has had too much sugar.

I'm deciding exactly how many slices to put in my tray when I see Rae skipping toward me, twirling her feet around in the green grass. The sight is strange, too strange, and I almost forget to close my mouth and breathe. Her long, dark hair and orange dress bounce up and down as she does. The dress was a gift to her from Charity and Sarah. She turned eight two weeks ago.

I make my way over to the nearest empty table and she slams herself in the seat beside me, making my glass of milk clatter as it shakes on the table. She smiles toothily at me.

"What are you so happy about? You didn't break your 'no bread' rule, did you?" I ask as I take a slow bite into my bread and bean sandwich. "Mmmm," I moan, squeezing my eyelids shut and chewing much too slow. "This is so good."

Rae giggles. "No. But Ben is here," she says in a sing-songy voice, "and he has your letter." She grins.

"What?" I blurt out. I grab on to my belly and jump to my feet immediately, ready to abandon the food in my plate. "Where is he?"

"Finish your breakfast then I'll take you to him," she says firmly, pinching her eyebrows together a little.

My mouth opens to object but her eyes square in on mine. Like a threatened animal I recede. I sit back gently and give her the occasional glance of protest as I struggle to not throw the food down my throat or under the table.

* * *

We walk through the forest and over to the train tracks as quickly as we can. And as we approach I can see Ben and a few other Amity men loading up supplies. His black clothes stand out amongst a group of yellow and orange and red, but the men work together as if there were no differences between them, as if they were a single unit. I smile.

Rae runs ahead, cutting around trees and jumping over fallen branches. She moves quickly but gracefully, only slowing down to avoid colliding with the train. She walks up to Ben who gives her a small smile. He crouches in front of her, but only a little. They have a short conversation and she's nodding enthusiastically as he speaks.

The closer I get, the more nervous I become. I have to wipe off my hands in my large shirt every few seconds as the sweat collects in my palms. I exhale loudly and then I begin to laugh. And then I begin to laugh at the fact that I began to laugh in the first place.

I am happy to the point of hysteria.

Ben stands up straight as I get closer and I try to quell my madness.

"Tris," he says with a respectful nod. He is a short man. He is young but his dark hair is balding at his temples. I try not to look at it.

"Hi, Ben," I say.

As is our custom, I stretch out my hand to shake his, and he slips me a tiny piece of folded paper. I'm not sure why Tobias doesn't want anyone to know I'm receiving letters from him. Everyone in this camp is loyal to the rebellion. But then again, he has always been very suspicious of people.

Ben gives me a final nod and a smile before turning around and walking back to his work as quickly as he had come over; the usual length of our interaction.

"Shall we?" Rae says, smiling, as she gestures toward the camp.

"We shall," I chuckle. Rae takes my hand, squeezing my palm. Her hand feels so soft and tiny in mine. It is so different from Tobias', but wonderful in its own way. Sometimes I wonder if this is what it feels like to have a daughter, if what I feel when I look at Rae is what my mother felt when she looked at me. I smile down at my belly.

As I walk, I rub gently at the piece of paper in my hand, memorizing the smoothness of its texture with my fingertips. I rub at every place it is folded and I carefully run my fingers along its edge. It is as close as I can get to touching Tobias, so I relish it.

I would be tempted to read it now if I didn't already know by experience that it's better to suffer the ten minute journey and read it in the comfort of our bed. Although, what was once a ten minute jog from the train tracks back to the camp is now a twenty minute walk. I'm heavier, slower, and I'm absolutely sure my ankles hate me.

When through the wall of forest green I see orange tents on an open field up ahead, I cannot stop a loud sigh of relief from escaping my lips. I regain strength as I get closer. I pick up the pace, half walking and half jogging, anxious to read the few precious words that Tobias has written to me. I press my hand to my chest to feel my racing heartbeat, although I can feel it in my throat.

I walk through the spaces between each tent, making my way over to mine. I pass all the regular smiles that usually greet me. I smile back. Today is definitely a smiling day.

Rae suddenly stops walking and her hand slips away from mine. My head spins around too quickly.

"Tris you go ahead," she says. "I need to go see my dad. But I'll be there soon." She turns and runs off before I can respond but I nod anyway. And then just like hers my feet begin to move as if someone had set the grass beneath them on fire. If I wait any longer I might burst.

Nervously, I push past the front curtain and I slip my shoes off my feet. The floor is dirt and sand now, and I dig my toes into it as I walk. I would throw myself on the bed if my anatomy would allow it, but it does not, so I sit gently at the edge of it.

I inhale and I let the silence wrap around me, calming my nerves. The secret of the letter must never be revealed in haste. It is almost sacred. And I do not know when I became this ridiculous.

I unfold the piece of paper slowly, gently, as if it would rip apart in my hands if I weren't careful. I savour the crackle of the paper as though it were music. There is only one first time reading each letter and I need to make it count. I exhale loudly as it is completely unfolded in my palm.

 _VI, IV_

 _Tonight_

I read the one word again and again, trying to make sense of it but I don't understand what he means. His message is too vague. What exactly is happening tonight? Assuming it is to be taken literally. It could also mean darkness, that something went wrong.

Suddenly I notice the placement of the numbers. They are beside each other, together. And I feel like an idiot. Could it really be that obvious?

I fold the letter quickly and stuff it in my pocket. Rae is sure to check the box and I'm sure she'd be able to figure this one out. I don't want to keep him from her, but if Tobias is coming here tonight I want him to myself. There are things that I'd like to do to him that she simply cannot watch. Although, it would be selfish of me to keep this from her, knowing how much she'd want to see him too. And Rae has always been somewhat of a grown up. She might not be too happy about staying with her father tonight, but I don't doubt that she will understand.

* * *

Rae is gone for the entire morning and I spend most of it pacing in my tent, thinking of ways to explain everything to her. By midday I already have my speech made out, but delivering it to her will prove to be more difficult than my practice sessions with the mirror, because unlike like the mirror, she will react.

The days are warm so my thick bed curtains are pulled. I see Rae's tiny frame as she walks into the tent with a tray of food in her hand. Rice, a piece of chicken breast, and vegetable salad. A dry lunch, but a healthy one I suppose.

"I brought your lunch today," she says, placing it on the table. Strangely she doesn't reach for the box of letters. I let out a breath.

"I can see that. Thank you," I say, relieved, but not for the reason she thinks.

She sits beside me on the bed, the mattress sinks a little deeper, and so does my stomach. With a nervous breath I prepare to recite my speech, but then she hands me a piece of paper with lines of blue ink arranged in a single column; a list. The handwriting is neat but small, hers.

I give her a questioning look.

"I won't be able to supervise you today… or tonight," she says, her eyes fixed on mine. "My dad's taking me to the orchards cause we're all out of fruits and wheat. This is everything that you need to do today."

I laugh and it almost sounds like I am being strangled. I laugh at the irony of it all, I laugh at the word 'supervise', and I laugh at the fact that there is nothing written on this piece of paper that I don't already know that I need to do. Task number five catches my attention.

 _5\. Bathe_

"Oh," I say, trying not to sound too eager, but I am glad. My face flushes at the thought of being alone with Tobias but I catch myself and I sit a little straighter on the bed, trying to bite back a smile and force the blood out of my face.

"This list is written evidence that I did not leave you to your own whim," she adds, bobbing her little head. "Four specifically asked me not to."

I press my palms to my face and I chuckle as I look into her silver grey eyes that are staring back at me with all seriousness. And then she smiles.

Once upon a time I used to like Rae. In recent times I've found I absolutely adore her.

"You are something else, Rae," I say with a wide grin as I walk over to my tray of food on the table to complete task number one.

All afternoon my heart pounds in my chest, excited, and I go outside ever so often to look at the sun, desperately wishing it away.

2 o' clock

3 o' clock

4 o' clock

5 o' clock

6 o' clock

7 o' clock

But my tiny clock can't seem to move fast enough. I have checked it at least a dozen times in the past hour, as if that somehow will make the time go faster. The itch to do something is persistent and I decide to complete task number five in an effort to keep myself busy.

I wash my swollen body and put on the only dress that still fits me. It's white, tighter at the top but it hangs loosely below my breasts. It is supposed to be long but my large belly lifts it to my knees. One of the Amity women was kind enough to make it for me.

I look into my tiny mirror, examining my face. My once thin nose is now huge and shiny, my narrow face; round, and the skin around my neck looks darker, thicker. I look nothing like the last time Tobias saw me. I never did see what he loved about my plain face and dull, blond hair in the first place, and I look even less attractive now. I don't let myself begin to consider the more stranger differences in the rest of my body. Having breasts for the first time in my life seems to be the only benefit to all of this.

I roll my long hair up in a large bun, then I lie in bed and I await him. I stare at the clock though I don't know what time Tobias will come walking into our tent. I do know that the last train leaves the city at midnight. But the sun is long gone, so he could be here any minute now. I try not to let nervous excitement take me over but I can't help it. My little one senses my anxiety and kicks wildly inside me. He's excited to see his daddy too.

At ten o clock I decide to take off the lamp and I await him in the darkness. But as the minutes pass and I fear more and more that he won't come, my excitement dulls and my eyes become heavy with sleep.

I dream that I am home, in Abnegation. I am dressed in my grey robe, holding a tiny baby in my arms. The baby, I realize, is mine. I begin to search the house for Tobias but I cannot find him. I become frantic as the baby cries and I call out to Tobias as I search the house. But he is not there. I open the front door to search for him outside, but I see no one. I see rows and rows of plain Abnegation houses, but there is no one. I look down and realize that my baby has disappeared from my arms. I am alone.

I'm jerked awake by long, cold fingers pressed against the small of my back. For a millisecond it frightens me and I jump a little, but it doesn't take longer than that for my body to recognize who is touching me. There is only one touch that sends such pulses of electricity through me and I have craved that touch for so long. I spin around as quickly as my pregnant belly will allow me to.

"Tobias!" I say. I throw my arms around him and when I blink a tear slips out. "You came," I choke out. I take his face into my palms and I eagerly pull his mouth to mine. He breaks free, landing kisses on my cheeks, my forehead, my neck. His hands caressing every part of me. There's an orange flicker in the tent and I realize that he's lit a candle.

"Of course I came. Look at you," he whispers with a smile as he examines every square inch of my body with his fingertips. There's sheer amazement in his eyes. I have never been in love with my body, but when Tobias looks at me the way he's looking at me right now, like I am the only thing in the world worth looking at, I can't help but feel exquisite.

"I'm fat." I laugh a little, my cheeks burning with excitement and joy and fullness. "Everywhere."

"You're beautiful," he whispers.

He looks deep into my eyes and I into his beautiful dark blue ones. In a flash his lips find mine again. We kiss for what feels like forever and I lose myself in every second of it; the scent of him, the taste of him, the feel of his lips on mine. My heart swells with an ecstasy so deep I feel as if it will rupture inside my chest. All the knots of tension inside me come apart at once. And I feel, just for a moment, like I am remade, like I am brand-new.

He lays me back down on the bed, my back and neck supported by a swarm of pillows. It gets harder to be comfortable the bigger I get. His face hovers over mine as he traces his fingers gently across my cheek. I look at him and under the orange glow of the flickering candle I survey the handsomeness of his face, the gentle curve of his lips, and the patch of light blue on his right iris. Even the black ink curling over his skin makes him into a piece of art, a masterpiece. I feel something heating up inside me.

"I didn't think you'd get to see me this way," I say gesturing toward my giant belly.

"I had to. Ben kept telling me how very pregnant you looked." He chuckles quietly and my body shudders at the sound of his voice. "I couldn't miss it," he says.

I don't tell him that I'm actually bigger than I am supposed to be. I don't want him to worry.

"And Charity? Is everything going ok with her?" he asks me.

"She's amazing, Tobias. I don't necessarily enjoy her having to put her hands in places where only yours should be, but asides from that everything's great. Besides, I get to do the same thing to her so it's ok. Although, I have no idea what I'm doing once I get in there."

"What?" he says. His laugh disappears and something like shock or confusion replaces it. And I realize that my words when left open to interpretation can mean... well... _that_.

"You should see the look on your face!" I can't help but laugh at him. I cover my mouth to silence it. I decide to not torture him any longer.

"Charity's pregnant. She's a couple of months behind me though."

"How did that happen?" he asks, his confusion obvious. Then all of a sudden I'm not sure that I should have shared that information. She was hired to be my nurse after all, not to come to the camp and find a boyfriend.

"She met someone. He's nice," I say as I twirl the tail of my dress between my fingers. Tobias relaxes the muscles in his face a little and I am relieved that he doesn't look upset. He probably decides that there is no point in it since everything has been okay so far, and Charity's a grown woman who will do as she pleases in her free time.

"And Rae?"

"Rae is the worst!" I chuckle. "She forces me to eat and rest and she makes me cooperate with Charity."

"Good. I knew she was the right person for the job." His Adam's apple bounces as he chuckles.

"She misses you," I say.

"I know. I may have stopped by David's on the way here."

"How'd you know she was there? I thought you _ordered_ her to stay here every night with me."

Tobias doesn't answer me. Instead he just grins an idle grin and I realize that Rae knew all along.

"No! Why didn't she just tell me that she knew? Instead of making me spend all day thinking of ways to convince her to stay at her dad's?"

Tobias laughs a little then he is quiet.

As he looks into my eyes I realize that he doesn't want to talk about anyone else anymore. He gently lifts my dress and rubs both of his hands across my stretch-marked belly. He leans down and places a soft kiss between his hands.

"I think he knows you're here," I say. I rub my fingers gently through Tobias' hair. It's longer now, it makes him look younger. He looks up at me completely wide eyed and asks, "How do you know it's a boy?"

"I don't," I say, smiling a little. I've just gotten so used to calling our baby a 'he'. It's made him more real somehow since I've never been able to see him. And I've never been too keen on anybody referring to my baby as 'it'. So I assigned him a gender.

"Does he move a lot?" Tobias asks, his hands still gently placed on my middle. Just then he does, and a hard kick bounces against my upper abdomen. Tobias jumps and then we both giggle. I should try to be quiet, it is the middle of the night after all, but I am too busy enjoying Tobias' hands on me.

"He's saying hi," I say. "I told you he knew you were here."

Tobias' eyes become wet with tears. He releases my stomach and his hands wrap around my face, strong and certain and he pulls my lips to his. My fingers tug at his hair, threatening to pull them out at the root. His kiss is insistent, eager and he pulls me deeper and deeper into it with every sway of his lips. I forget that he is another person; instead it feels like he is another part of me. My dress finds the floor and I moan as his lips break free to taste every inch of my large body. My senses are heightened and every kiss sends a surge of electricity through me. His mouth lingers in all his favourite places and with it he takes me away.

* * *

Later into the night we find ourselves laying face to face, our bodies entwined and our lips connected by gentle kisses. I drift off to sleep at the sound of a sweet "I love you", my consciousness carried away by the feel of his fingers gently tracing circles on my back and the rhythmic singing of grasshoppers.

And just like every other morning that I've awakened to for the past five and a half months, I wake up and he is not here. But this time it's different, because he _was_ here. And in place of the grim emptiness that usually occupies my awakening, there is hope. The sweet hope that in a matter of weeks his absence will be no more, and we'll be together, the three of us.

And for the first time in a long time, I have an extraordinary day.

* * *

 **Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thanks so much for the nice reviews guys :) This is sort of a long chapter but I refused to break it in two. I don't want to make this history lesson any longer than it needs to be. Please let me know what you think of it! :)**

* * *

 **7\. Catch and release**

 **TOBIAS**

For a minute I forget I'm here.

I let my thoughts drift and I find myself in the sweet memory of holding Tris in my arms, of feeling her lips move against mine, of feeling the strong kick of a tiny foot against my palm. I breathe in deep, and her scent is so scarred in my memory that even though it's been two weeks since I held her close to me, instead of dust and rust and old papers I smell _her_.

She's changed so much. Her body is reformed, beautifully altered to support carrying a baby; our baby. Every extra curve has made her incredibly more desirable, making my body loose but yet firm in a way that only she can.

 _It's almost over_ , I think to myself.

By the end of the week we should be able to dethrone Jeanine Matthews and dispose of her lackeys. It was disturbing to learn that her primary purpose was to take control of the city by ridding it of the governmental faction that she saw as unnecessary and 'stifling to our growth' as she put it, so that she could freely pursue the eradication of the Divergent and turn a small population of what is left of the city into a living, breathing experiment. _Studying human behaviour_ , she calls it.

Jeanine no longer sees human beings when she looks around her. She sees puzzles, mysteries, and it is her Erudite obsession to solve them. It is incredible- sick, yet incredible- the extent that she has gone to find ways to control the people in this city. She doesn't care what she does, as long as it fascinates her. It will be my pleasure to rid the world of Jeanine Matthews.

From there we will set up a new government made up of two representatives from each faction. All of whom I somehow managed to convince that our system creates division and that some changes need to be made. Together with the new faction leaders that were selected, all faction manifestos have been rewritten and factional laws have been modified. I'll be glad to get it over with, to get back to Tris.

Tris and I will be able to build a new life for ourselves. A life I never imagined myself having, a life I never imagined that I deserved. I'm still not sure that I do. But I know that she does. I smile at the thought that our baby will grow up in a world better than the one I knew as a child. He won't be stifled by the narrow ideologies of our factions. Maybe one day we'll be able to get rid of them once and for all.

I hear the door slam shut behind me, jerking me awake and reminding me of where I am. I feel a firm, friendly slap on my right shoulder.

"Stop daydreaming, Four!" Zeke says loudly. He drops a stack of white paper on the square desk beside me, sending a cloud of tiny dirt particles flying into the air. I lift my head to look at him, running my fingers through my hair all the way down to my neck.

"It's not like there's anything else to do around here," I say flatly.

I gaze around the room, looking at the old computers and dirty wooden desks. There is a collection of old, grey, metal lockers pushed against the concrete wall. It looks like some time long ago this room was an office space for a few people. Now it's just where a bunch of insurgents meet when our spies have interesting new information.

Shauna walks in behind Zeke, placing a small kiss on his cheek. They're always careful not to be unbearably affectionate around me. It's a considerate gesture seeing how much I wish Tris were here, but it's not like I don't hear them at night. I hear a lot more than I'd like to from the adjoining room.

I don't check the time on my watch until I see Christina and Marcus walk in. Christina wipes the dirt away from one of the tables closest to me before leaning against it. I'm surprised Uriah isn't with her. They've been stuck to each other a lot lately.

Marcus stays as far away as social norms will allow. Like magnets of the same charge, we repel. There's a side of me that feels powerful at the thought that he knows that I'm stronger than he is, that he can no longer raise a hand at me. It silently laughs when he sinks into a corner whenever I step into the room. But there's another part of me that wishes that feeling away. I shouldn't have that side. That's the part of me that recognizes my own darkness, and is aware that if I cherish that feeling of power I could lose myself in it, the way my mother has.

I feel a tinge of impatience stirring up inside me. Everyone should have been here by now.

Just as I'm about to stand up I hear panicked footsteps running up the stairs, and the large door, made of glass and wood, swings open wide. Caleb almost throws himself inside, fumbling with the knob before he manages to shut the door behind him, and he leans his back against it as he tries to catch his breath. His wide, troubled eyes find mine immediately. I would feel flattered if something were not obviously wrong.

He's been opening up a bit more to me ever since I let him give me the 'big brother talk'. On normal circumstances, I wouldn't allow such a thing. But I know how much Caleb means to Tris. I think I may have convinced him that just like him, I only want what's best for her. And what's best for Tris is me. I left that part out.

"What's wrong, Caleb?" I ask tensely.

"They found us! They know we're here! They found the camp too," Caleb says, breathless. In the corner of my eye I see Marcus stiffen.

"How the hell did they find the camp?!" I all but yell. I don't care if anyone realizes that I care more about the camp's safety than I do about our own. Tris is there.

My body goes rigid and I can't breathe. I may have been followed that night when I went to see her. If this is my fault…

"Clyde found a protected file on the database and decided to check it out," says Caleb. "When he opened it, it set off an alarm. They got to him. He gave up our location."

"Clyde would never give us up," I snap, still holding my breath. It may not have been my fault but Tris still isn't safe. "How did they get him to talk?"

I open the drawer that sits on the right hand corner of the desk to retrieve my gun. Zeke does the same.

"Truth serum," Caleb and Christina answer simultaneously. Cristina leans up off the table attentively and asks, "What the hell was in that file that was so important for it to have its own alarm?"

"Attack plans. Jeanine is planning to send the Dauntless traitors on a mission of some kind."

"I can't imagine what for," says Marcus bitterly, across the room. "She's already in control of the city. What else could she want?" he barks.

"How much time do we have?" I ask.

"Not much," Caleb says, frightened. "I got away, but they've identified all of the Erudite spies and some of the Dauntless. She's gonna kill them all, Four."

I snarl as I raise a clenched fist in the air, letting it drop to my side in frustration when I realize that there's nothing for me to hit but the concrete wall beside me. I contemplate hitting it anyway. Suddenly I hear the sound of an engine and heavy footsteps running in unison.

They already have us surrounded.

"That's quite the welcoming party. We won't be able to escape," Zeke says as he gently pulls the curtain aside to peep through the window. It's made of transparent glass but the layers of dust that have taken up residence on it are so thick that the dark curtains are rendered futile.

I glance at the old lockers once more. We can't all hide or they'll search the room.

"Shauna, Christina," I say roughly. "Get inside the lockers. Don't move. Don't speak. Don't breath."

* * *

A tall, lean Dauntless traitor is the first to storm through the door. About twenty others follow quickly behind, too quickly for us to react. Not like it matters. We're outnumbered. Their blue armbands stand out against the rest of their clothing, a sign of their loyalty to the Erudite. I wonder when Jeanine realized that Erudite and Dauntless would make a deadly combination. Ruthlessness and cold logic can accomplish almost anything it seems.

The Dauntless traitor scans the room. His dark hair hangs loosely over the frame of his face and forehead, almost covering his eyes. I make an effort to keep my eyes on him and off any object in the room that would warrant his suspicion and provoke a search.

"Drop your weapons!" he yells, but he aims his gun at no specific target. Caleb throws his hands in the air in surrender and I set my gun back down on the table. I realize then that he could have escaped if he hadn't come here to warn us. He may have just saved Shauna and Christina. Maybe there is still some Abnegation left in him after all. My lips curl into a small smile.

"What are _you_ smiling at?" A rough voice snarls.

I stare my captor straight in the eye. I recognize him. I've never exchanged words with him but I've seen him in the pit once or twice, telling jokes. Alexander, I think his name is. I never took him for a traitor. I still can't believe that half of my faction is this stupid.

"Who's the leader of this operation?" he demands.

"I am," Zeke calls out before I can respond or stop him. A few weeks ago he told me that now that I'm gonna be a father, I have to survive this mission. And I do, but I don't want my best friend to die for me.

"Zeke-"

"Just relax, Four," he says while his arms are being restrained behind his back.

We're led out of the room and thrown into the back of an old grey truck. Alexander and a few other Dauntless traitors climb in the back with us. I clench my jaw as he closes the door behind him, hitting it twice with his gun to signal to the driver that we're all in.

If I didn't want to escape at first, I do now. The rusty walls of the container surround me, and I'm not sure where to look so I fix my eyes downward. Light pierces through tiny holes in the roof, forming dancing circles on the ground as the truck takes off. It distracts me only a little from the walls that have been slowly inching toward me ever since they threw me in the back of this truck. My chest feels tight and my breaths escape my lips as tremors as I exhale.

Alexander has his eyes fixed on me. I don't look at him. I'm sure that the fear in my eyes is evident, although his best guess as to what I'm actually afraid of will most likely be incorrect.

His balance is unfaltering as he walks over to me in the bouncing truck. "So you're the infamous, Four," he says. I look up. His eyes are beady, like a child's.

I don't respond.

"Jeanine has asked that you be delivered to her personally. It'll be my pleasure to escort you."

I'm not sure what to make of his comment or why he needed to come all the way over her to make it. On the bright side, I might get close enough to Jeanine to do some damage.

I'm glad when the truck finally comes to a stop. Although I have no idea what awaits me outside of it, I'd much rather be outside. The doors fling open and I exhale in relief at the sight of an exit, the sight of open air and midday sun.

Marcus is unloaded first, then Caleb, then Zeke, leaving me and my 'escort' unaccompanied. I take a step but he grabs my arm, pressing the cold barrel of his gun into my neck. He leans into me threateningly and quietly says, "I'll do whatever I have to do to keep you alive. Don't make me regret it."

He pushes me forward and I jump out of the container. We walk as if he had said nothing to me.

He's on our side, yet he's not.

We enter Erudite headquarters. The white walls are brighter than anything I've ever seen before. It's almost heavenly. I scoff at the irony. There's a giant portrait of Jeanine Matthews hung on the wall, as if there is anyone in this city who doesn't know what their new witch-queen looks like.

We walk down a series of lustrous corridors, each one looking exactly like the one before it. By the time we enter the fifth or twelfth hallway- I'm not sure which- I realize that getting out of here will be a lot harder than I had anticipated. This place is a maze.

"I hope you're paying attention," Alexander whispers beside me so the others in front of us can't hear.

"It wouldn't make a difference," I respond quietly. Even with a trail of breadcrumbs I wouldn't be able to find my way out of here. Eventually I ask, "Why are you doing this?"

"Because it needs to be done," he says thoughtfully.

It's an answer I can respect so I don't ask him to elaborate. I wonder how many more of the Dauntless traitors, if any more at all, regret their loyalty to the Erudite. We're both silent for the rest of the way and the sound of our footsteps echoing against the tile floor is all that is heard, apart from Caleb's intermittent whimpering.

We enter a large room that looks like an oversized office space. There are people in long blue coats sitting behind shiny wooden desks, and there are several rows of computers. I wonder if they're actually doing anything or if this is all for show.

Jeanine sees us coming and heads toward us. She wears Erudite blue and Erudite spectacles and that Erudite look of superiority. I hear my father scoffing beside me. He has always hated the Erudite.

Jeanine carefully examines us all, paying particular attention to me and the one of us dressed in blue.

Caleb.

"You can take them to the confinement area," Jeanine says. "We'll take care of them later along with the others. I have no interest in them."

Jeanine speaks with no emotion, mechanical. Her words are an expression of fact, discounting the need for diplomacy. I often wonder if there's a beating heart in her chest or blood in her veins. I imagine her innards looking like the inside of a machine; wires and oil and screws and bolts.

"But not you, Tobias," she adds. "Follow me."

She turns and walks away and I am escorted by Alexander and two other Dauntless traitors into her office. I see she's learned her lesson from our previous encounter where I almost strangled her to death. My fingers twitch at the memory. Oh how I would love to try again.

There's a soft chair behind her desk, but she doesn't sit. Instead she stands closely, observing the way I breathe as if in an attempt to somehow deduce my thoughts. I wish she could. I'd show her all the different way I'd like to kill her.

"I've been looking for you and Beatrice ever since you both miraculously escaped from our possession," she says.

"Took you long enough."

"Just in time to stop your little operation actually. I should be thanking you. You brought all those who are incapable of understanding my vision straight to me."

"And what are you gonna do exactly, your highness? Kill us all? Do you really think you could eliminate half of Dauntless and no one would notice?" Jeanine's face remains expressionless. "You'd be helping our cause," I continue. "The people won't stand for you killing off two factions."

"Oh, I have no intentions of killing all of you. That would be illogical," she says, narrowing her eyes. "As you should already know, here at Erudite we've been working on less violent ways to keep the city under control."

I love how she uses the word control as if it's not synonymous to manipulate, overpower. The spies had reported that the Erudite were working on serums, experimenting on some of the surviving Abnegation and the factionless. I'm not sure which serum she's thinking about using though, until she says, "You and Beatrice, however, I _will_ have to kill. I can't risk anyone remembering any of this."

Horror and rage fill my face as I realize exactly what Jeanine is planning to do.

"I was told she was not a part of this operation," she says. "I'm curious as to why. But I sent someone to your rebel camp to take care of her. I imagine that's where she is."

"You stay away from her!" I yell. I wrestle the guards for my liberty but I'm outnumbered and overpowered. I'm quickly brought to my knees and hard-pressed against the cold tiled floor. I don't see the punches or the kicks but I feel them in my stomach, in my legs, in my back.

Jeanine leans her face forward a little. It's twisted in confusion. She seems to be intrigued by my reaction. I'm not sure why. I've always been protective of Tris.

"It is not in her pattern of behaviour to stay away from danger," Jeanine says matter-of-factly. "Hmm…."

She searches my face and then crosses her arms in front of her. She knows I won't tell her why Tris isn't here, but I'm certain that she has her ways of finding out. There's nothing the Erudite love more than to satisfy their own curiosity.

I need to get to Tris. I need to get to Tris _now_.

"Lock him up," Jeanine says as she looks down at me, in more ways than one. I only hear the clicking of her heels as she walks away and my mind creates a picture of her walking into the hallway, into the milky white maze. How am I going to get out of here?

* * *

The room is small. I'm taller than it is in almost every angle. The floor, walls, and ceiling are all made of dim light panels. I look up and see a tiny black camera in one corner. I stare up at it, wondering who's watching. It's better than looking at the walls. Right now, that truck isn't looking so bad at all.

I hunch myself into a corner. My bruised body hurts as I sit. But there's something that hurts so much more, its excruciating. I bury my head into my knees and I almost pull my hair out. I'm stuck in this cell with no way out and Tris needs me. She won't be able to defend herself, neither will she be able to run. She's a sitting duck and it's my fault. It was my own recklessness that got her pregnant.

 _I'm so stupid_ , I think as I bang my head against the wall behind me.

I'm reckless and stupid and on top of it I'm horrible. Why else would Tris have suspected for all of two weeks that she was pregnant and not tell me? Why else would she think that I'd be mad about it, that I'd reject her or any child that we made together?

I am still in that position—crouched by the wall, my head in my hands, when I begin to breathe heavily. I silently beg for another chance to show her, to show them, how much they mean to me. Maybe someone can hear me and that someone will be merciful toward me.

I stand to my feet and I rest my forehead on the door of my cell, promising to the open air that if I get another chance I will make it so that Tris will never have to question how much she means to me ever again. I will make it so that my child will never know what it's like to have a calloused father.

And just then the pain of every beating, every kick, every punch rendered to me by own father fills my memories. _This is for your own good_ is what Marcus always said before the first blow fell. As if hitting me was an act of self-sacrifice. As if it hurt him to do it. I grab hold of the door and I cry out in fury as I punch at it again and again. At first my punches are because I'm angry, because I hate him for everything that he did to me. But then my punches become faster, harder, because something stronger drives them.

I will die in this place, perhaps soon, if I don't leave here. So I need to get out of here. I need to save my life. I need to save Tris and our baby because they, they _are_ my life.

The door flings open, loudly squeaking on its hinges and I almost don't believe it. As I step out all I see is white and I'm not sure which direction to run. Just then I see Alexander turn the corner, Zeke close behind him. I stand in shock as I wait for them, my blood dripping to the floor in large droplets from my torn knuckles.

"Get back inside," Alexander says as he pushes me back inside the prison that I just managed to break myself free from. Zeke runs in behind him, pulling the door but not closing it.

Alexander sees me glance at the tiny camera above our heads.

"Don't worry," he says to me. "I disabled it. I relieved the guard at the front and then I saw your manic fit and decided it was time to come get you before you get lost… or caught. I picked up your friend here on the way."

"Yeah, but… we used a key," Zeke says, staring at my bleeding knuckles.

I rub the back of my neck and say, "Are you saying that I _didn't_ have to punch through the big, metal door?"

"It's kind of badass that you did though." Zeke's smile is huge and he slaps me hard on the back. I wince.

"So what's the plan?" Alexander asks, glancing from me to Zeke and then back to me. I hold his gaze.

"Jeanine is planning to release the memory serum over the whole city. She's already sent a team to our camp. We need to stop her."

"If that's true then there's not much we can do," says Alex. "This morning teams were sent out to all of the factions with strict orders, but only those who went were allowed to know exactly what those orders were. Chances are it's already done. She wants everyone back here by tonight. My guess is, she'll wipe us last and then send us back to Dauntless like if none of this ever happened. We need to get the vaccine."

"Why would she erase everybody's memories? She's already taken the city," Zeke asks. But I've already thought about it enough to figure it out.

"It's not so much erasing as it is altering it. With everyone either knowing or suspecting what she did there's always a risk of rebellion, even from the inside. She wants to eliminate that risk."

Alexander is proof of that risk. I'm not sure at which point he joined our side, but it goes to show that people can have a change of heart and that's a luxury Jeanine can't afford. She will eliminate all variables.

"She'll change reality," I add. "Probably make up some other story to justify why half of the Abnegation are dead and then assume all power to the Erudite."

I've read Caleb's report on how the memory serum works. The first hour after exposure is crucial. People are very pliable then. You can remove the memories you choose and fill the gaps with whatever you want. What and how much of it you remember is at the mercy of whoever retells the story. If she wanted to, Jeanine could make our entire rebel camp 'remember' that _we_ killed the Abnegation. Which reminds me…

"I need to get to Tris."

Alexander shakes his head. "We need to get the vaccine first."

I'm about to object when Zeke holds out a hand to stop me. I raise a questioning eyebrow at him. "You're no good to her if you don't remember her," he says, and his voice dips down the way it always does when he's being serious. I look at my best friend whose eyes are full of reason. I can't refute.

"Ok," I say.

"We'll need to be fast," says Alex. "I tampered with the surveillance but I'm not sure how long it'll go unnoticed."

I nod.

We head down the confusing white maze, Alexander leading the way turning every corner first and taking out who he needs to. We've only got one gun and he's the only one who knows his way around here. There's no way we'd be able to get into the heavily guarded serum room, but thanks to Caleb I know where they keep small amounts of serum and vaccines for testing. I'm suddenly glad that we had that talk. Hopefully we can rescue him while his memories are still intact.

We enter the small storage room that has only a few tables, each having a microscope at its center and a small tray of vials. There aren't too many, but it's enough for the small crew that I hope has safely tucked themselves away after we were captured. We each grab a syringe and inject the vaccine into our necks. Zeke grabs the remaining vials and we head out.

Alexander takes the lead again, shielding us with his body at every turn. I quickly realize that we never would have made it out of here without him. In the midst of two hundred Dauntless traitors, Jeanine managed to send the one who would protect us to capture us. Maybe somebody heard me after all.

Suddenly the sound of running footsteps echoes through the halls behind us.

"I'll lead them off your trail. You two keep running. There's an exit not too far up ahead," Alexander says. I give him a questioning look. Why is he willing to risk his life to keep me alive? I can't help but wonder what made him switch sides and what makes him so loyal to ours now. But there's no time for that.

"Thank you, Alex," I say.

His eyes squint and his forehead wrinkles. "I never told you my name," he says with a smile. "Good luck, both of you." He glances at Zeke and then back at me. "Bring her down."

"All the way," Zeke answers with an evil grin.

"Good. Now go!"

Alexander heads back down the corridor and Zeke and I make a break for the exit. I hear gunfire and then more gunfire, and somehow I know that Alexander is dead. Zeke and I keep running only stopping at the door to give each other a glance and a nod, then he's on his way and I'm on mine.

The timing is perfect. I hear the train and I run toward the tracks. No one seems to be following me, but even if they are, they aren't close enough to make it onto the train. I grab on to the rail of the last car and I swing myself in, landing hard.

I see the sun inching over the horizon and I only then realize how long I was incarcerated. I may be too late. But I push the thought from my mind because I cannot bear it.

I sit in the corner opposite the door tapping my feet and watching the city pass by until it drives me insane and I can't anymore. I stand up and in a nervous haze and I pace back and forth like a caged animal in the train car. I'm frantic, punching at the walls, screaming at no one. I've lost my sanity. I clench and unclench my fists over and over in an effort to calm myself but it's futile. I won't be calm until I know that Tris is safe.

I step closer to the door and let the upper half of my body hang outside. I let the cold wind blow against my face as I stare into the blackness of the night. I'm not sure why, but I decide to close my eyes and I take a deep breath. As I exhale a calm washes over me. Then something peculiar happens. There's a strange stillness though I'm still on this loud, shaking train. It's almost like my mind is on a different channel. I let go and I allow it to take over me.

That's when I sense her, as if she was standing right beside me. Wherever this strange place is, Tris is here and I feel her calling out to me. She's scared. But she's alive. It's all I need for sheer tenacity to possess me. I open my eyes wide, but I'm still connected. I still feel her.

"I'm coming, Tris," I say strongly to the cold night air, threatening it to relay my message. "Just hold on. I will find you. I _will_ find you."


	8. Chapter 8

**8\. The Storm**

 **TRIS**

I open my eyes, waking up from my usual afternoon nap, and I see the most beautiful grey ones staring back at me. They shine bright against the smooth glow of her slightly tanned skin.

"Hi, Tris. Hi, baby!" Rae says, placing a gentle hand on my stomach, rubbing small circles into it.

We barely fit on the bed now since me and my extra pillows take up more than half of it. I've given up limiting sleep to hours of the night since between the pain in my back, my muscles cramping and an overly active baby kicking at me, it is simply impossible to sleep through the night. It's like he's fighting with someone in there, though he has been a lot less active lately.

"Hi, Rae," I chuckle and I place a kiss on her tiny forehead. "How was your nap?"

"Good."

"Mhmm?" I ask.

She nods enthusiastically and with a smile. We've both been a lot happier since Tobias' visit two weeks ago. Rae even started rubbing my swollen feet.

She helps me to sit up on the edge of the bed and I try to smooth my hair down while she slides my shoes onto my feet. I notice that the light slipping past the curtain is a lot less bright than when I climbed in bed. "What time is it?" I ask groggily.

"It's five o' clock. It's almost time for supper."

Rae plants a kiss on my belly before running off to help her dad in the kitchen, though I'm still not sure how. I stretch my arms slowly, smiling down at the little one inside me as he sleeps. Adam should arrive later this week, but I don't need him to reassure me of anything. Somehow I just know that everything will be ok.

I get dressed, struggling to put on my pants without taking off my shoes. If I do, I'll never be able to get them back on.

I open the front curtain and I'm awed by how beautiful the setting sun looks. There's an orange glow on the trees and on the grass. There is no wind. The entire camp looks calm as I walk over to the cafeteria. I breathe in deep. The air is still and fresh and it smells like warm earth. My legs move a little faster when my lungs take in the delicious scent of whatever is at the cafeteria waiting for me.

I smile a little and there's an extra bounce in my step that wasn't there before. The past few days have been easier than most. I've thought about my mother often, and I've thought about the fact that my baby will never know his grandmother, not the nice one anyway. But somehow I feel like being a mother will bring me closer to her, and when I hold my baby for the first time I will feel her because I will feel what she felt when she held me. I can't explain it. So I don't try to.

I'm lost in thought and stacking my tray with food when I hear a faint cry that grows into a yell and then a scream.

"Tris!" Rae screams out my name and I spin around to see her racing toward me. "They're here! They're here!" she yells frantically. Her face is red and tear-streaked, her hands shaking and her eyes wide with horror.

"What? Who's here?" I yelp.

She drags me by my hand and starts running. I stumble after her. My tray of food falls to the ground.

"Tris, come on! We've got to run!" Rae demands.

Before I can react to the fact that my supper is now plastered on the floor, my legs decide that that's not important. I run as fast as the huge globe in front of me will allow me to, though I'm not sure what I'm running to, or who I'm running from.

Eventually our path seems familiar. We're headed to Charity's tent.

Rae rushes inside yelling, "Charity! Sarah!" but there's no response. "They're not here," she says as she grabs my arm and continues to pull me deeper and deeper into the forest. I sprint between the trees as fast as I can, and only when my lungs feel like they are on fire do I stop.

"Rae, stop!" I'm breathless. "I can't run anymore. Who are we running from?" My breathing is loud and I hold my heavy stomach in my hand as if it would fall if I let it go. I press my shoulder into the tree beside me for support.

Then I hear gunshots. From this distance they sound like popping. And a huge cloud of orange smoke fills the air, hovering over the camp. My mouth goes dry.

"They look like Dauntless," Rae says, panicking. "But they've got a blue band around their arm."

"Oh no," I whimper as my knee gives and I feel a sharp, cramping pain in my abdomen.

They've found us.

"Where's your father, Rae?" I say, resting one hand on her shoulder.

"He was with me when we saw them. He sent me back to get you and said that we should run as far away from here as we can."

"Ok," I say as I try to swallow my panic and drive the weakness out of me. "You stay here. I need to go back for Charity and Sarah. They might be by Matthew's."

"No, I'll go! I'm faster." Rae starts toward the camp before I can stop her. I'd yell after her if I didn't know that Dauntless traitors are probably all over this forest right now, cornering us in.

I rest my head and body against a tree. My legs are numb. I barely feel the ground beneath me but I concentrate on standing up even though my ankles seem to be unwilling to support my weight. I need to be ready to keep moving. My heart pounds inside my chest every second that I stand there waiting for Rae. And it proves to be a long wait.

It gets darker and darker by the minute and I try to ignore the cramping in my abdomen as I look out for Rae in the distance. The longer she takes, the more I begin to panic. My body trembles at the thought that something may have happened to her, that they found her. In my mind I see Dauntless traitors holding a gun to her head and I shudder. I refuse to stand here any longer.

I begin to make my way back to the camp. I twitch at every unidentified noise, tensing until I realize it is just the wind or a twig snapping beneath my feet. From here I can see the strange orange cloud still hovering over the camp but the gunfire has stopped. It either means that they've left, or they've killed everyone already.

I hear rustling in the distance, only this time it is not the wind. I quietly try to make my way to a large tree. As soon as I figure out which direction they're coming from, I can hide. It's all I can do. I'm defenceless. When I see two figures coming into view I quickly shield myself behind the tree. I am careful to not breathe too loudly.

"Do you think anybody made it this far out?" I hear a voice say. I can't see which one spoke but from the sound of his voice, he's young.

"Naw. They never saw it comin'," the other replies.

My heart stops.

Whoever just spoke is standing on the opposite side of this tree. It's dark, but if I move he _will_ see me. I stand perfectly still and I think I stop breathing. The soft rustling of the leaves above us is the only sound to be heard in the quiet darkness. Then I hear a step and the crushing of stones and grass beneath it. Another step and then another. He is circling the tree and if he takes one more I'm dead. My heart starts to beat again and I can feel it in my fingertips, in my throat, behind my eyes.

I need to be strong now. I need to be strong for my baby.

Adrenaline takes over me and I anticipate him. I am useless and vulnerable from my now plump breasts downwards, but my fists and elbows still work. I step forward and jab into his face with my right elbow and pull the gun out of his grip with my left hand, too quick for him to react. He holds his hands up in a sign of surrender as my finger curls around the trigger and I aim at his head.

"Put your gun down or I'll shoot him!" I snarl.

I make my best attempt to sound menacing to the other Dauntless traitor who has a gun pointed directly at me. I'm hoping he listens because I'm not sure I can shoot his friend. After Will, I haven't been comfortable even looking at a gun, much less holding one and firing it.

"You're Dauntless," he hisses with amusement. "And pregnant," he says slowly as his eyes scan my body in an utterly disturbing way. Almost as if he is entertained by this. Suddenly there's a sick feeling in my stomach.

"Drop… the gun," I growl through clenched teeth. But I already know that he won't.

As his fellow soldier yells, "Do it ma-"

I fire quickly and shift my aim in a millisecond. My gun is pointed to my second target before the body of the first hits the ground. The sound of the gunshot echoes through the night. I immediately know that I should get out of here. There will be more Dauntless traitors coming this way soon. But there is still a pervert fifteen feet away pointing a gun at me.

My stomach cramps and I wince silently. He chuckles. He seems to pay no regard to the dead body that lies on the ground between us, as if it belongs there, as natural as a stone or a twig or a leaf.

"You picked the wrong side sweetheart," he says, and even in the darkness I can see the inhumanity in his young eyes. He will kill me if I don't kill him first. He continues, "But given your... situation," he says, circling his gun at my baby. My body stiffens. "I'll let you go."

But I don't believe him. He will shoot me the minute I turn my back.

"We'll lower our guns together," he says.

"Ok," I reply.

He begins to lower his gun and I match his pace. His plan is probably to quickly lift his weapon as soon as mine is lowered enough to render me vulnerable. But he's stupid if he hasn't realized how fast I am already. The second before he decides to re-aim at my head my gun is already aimed at his. We fire simultaneously and his head whips backward while my body collapses to my left side. As I hit the ground I grab at my bloody thigh. I scream into my teeth as the pain races through me, making everything go black for a moment. I lean my back against the tree and try to get used to the pain before I try to stand myself up.

I hear quick footsteps approaching and quickly lean down to retrieve the gun when I hear her.

"Tris, it's me!" Rae comes running to my aid and I'm afraid to ask her how much of that did she just see.

"I found my dad," she says frantically. "He's found Charity. They're waiting for us. We have to keep running!" She glances at the fallen bodies on the ground and her eyes open wide. I quickly toss the gun out of her sight.

"What happened? Are you ok?!" she screams.

"I'm fine, Rae, but I can't run. I've been shot in my leg," I say, trying to disguise the pain. She quickly glances down at my legs but it's too dark for her to see the blood there. She gasps.

"Tell your dad that he has to come to me ok? I'll be right here."

She nods quickly and then she's gone again. I rest against the tree and I tear a strip of fabric from the front of my blouse and wrap it tight around my leg to stop the bleeding. And I wait.

 _I will not panic_

 _I will not panic_

 _I will not panic_

I sing it like a song until I let myself believe it. I take deep breaths, and my vision begins to clear, my heart rate returning to normal. I will not panic.

* * *

The night air is cool; it gives me goose bumps on my arms. And the moon is coming out now, and though it's nice being able to see my surroundings, it also means that I'm less camouflaged.

About half an hour passes and the ache in my stomach has become consistent. I'm glad when I hear rustling in the distance; it's about time Rae and David got here. But my gladness is short lived as I see a lone tall figure slowly walking toward me, a Dauntless traitor, and the bullet lodged in my thigh will not allow me to get to my gun in time.

I stare at him as he approaches me and even before the moonlight hits him, I recognize him. He aims his gun and he stares back, confused. He doesn't speak, nor does he seem to notice the two bodies that are lying only a few feet away from me. Or maybe he just doesn't care.

"Eric," I say. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" Although, I think I already know.

"Jeanine sent me to kill you." His lips wobble and the rings in his face shine under the moonlight.

"So why haven't you yet? I thought you'd be _thrilled_ ," I say, with only a hint of sarcasm.

In that moment, I can't stop the tears from flowing but I look him square in the eye. I am not ready for death and I've fought hard to keep me and my baby alive today but I won't cower in its presence.

"She never told me you were pregnant," he says. His face is red.

I look at him without malice, without hatred, and without fear. His dark eyes are usually empty, like pits, like starless nights but tonight I see something in his eyes that I've never seen before.

"So all of a sudden you have morals now?" I ask with a scoff.

He doesn't answer. He looks away from me and clicks the bullet into the chamber, and I know he is getting ready to make the shot.

"You can shoot me, Eric," I say quietly. His eyes find mine again. "But he will find you, and he _will_ kill you, and I can promise you that it won't be so generous as a shot to the head."

My words seem to trigger the end of his momentary lapse of decency and his eyes find their usual coldness. I'm suddenly glad Rae isn't here. Though I'm sure that when she comes back and finds my lifeless body sagging on this tree it won't be any less traumatizing.

"I'm sorry, Tris," Eric says.

 _Goodbye Tobias_ I mentally whisper as I prepare myself to enter the unknown. I suppose that now would be the time to ask for forgiveness for all the things I've done, but I'm sure my list would never be complete. I've killed two men tonight alone. I also don't believe that whatever comes after life depends on my correctly reciting a list of my transgressions— that sounds too much like an Erudite afterlife to me, all accuracy and no feeling. I don't believe that what comes after depends on anything I do at all. And if all that my parents believed about death was true, soon I will join them in whatever comes next.

The gunshot is loud, close, making my ears ring and I swear it hits me, but I feel no new stings of pain anywhere on my body. Did he miss?

I didn't realize that my eyes were closed until I open them. When I do I see Eric lying dead across the grass before me, blood spewing like vomit from his head, and my eyes frantically scan the darkness to see who had shot him. I scream into my palm as I see Rae standing about ten feet away from me with a gun in her hand, still aiming at where Eric's head was hovering. A million questions flood my mind.

 _How does she know how to aim and shoot?_

 _Where'd she even get the gun?_

 _Why is she alone?_

 _Where is David?_

Rae crumbles to the floor and curls herself into a ball and screams into her knees. I try to get up to walk over to her but the pain in my abdomen cripples me more than the pain in my thigh does.

"Rae!" I yell.

"I killed him!" she yells back.

"Rae, look at me!"

She doesn't look.

I dig deep inside me for all the strength I can muster and I crawl toward her. I pull her into me and we sob together. As I take the gun from her hands I know that the little girl in my arms will never be the same again. I can only hope that her nightmares will be less vivid than mine were. She grabs at my shirt and her sobbing slows.

"Tris... you're bleeding," she whimpers.

At first I think she's talking about all the blood that must be sprouting from my thigh after dragging myself over here. But I look down and I see that between my legs, my once orange pants are now the strange colour that is blood. It's darker than you expect it to be.

I'm not due for another month, so whatever is happening, it's bad. I see the horror in her eyes and I remember that this is how her mother died. I can't let her watch the same thing happen to me. But she won't leave my side unless I give her a good enough reason to.

"Rae, where's your father?"

She hangs her head but she doesn't answer. He must be dead. I force back a sob and say, "Ok. I need you to go get Evelyn." I pause. "Do you remember Tobias' mother?" She nods hastily. "Get on the train and go to the factionless sector. If you get lost, just tell the first factionless person that you find that you have an urgent message for Evelyn from Tobias."

She's looking at me intently. It makes it harder for me to deceive her.

"Tell her that Tris is having the baby ok? And you tell her where I am. She'll find me."

Rae flings her arms around me and squeezes me tightly. I squeeze her back and before I can let go completely, she grabs the gun and she takes off. I sob loudly as I watch her run into the darkness and I accept that my baby and I will probably be the next to die right here beside this tree.

Because even _if_ there is a train leaving at this hour, she won't be able to get on. And even if she does, she has no idea where the factionless sector is. Even if she finds a factionless person who just so happens to lead her to Evelyn, and Evelyn just so happens to believe or choose to care that I'm having Tobias' baby in the middle of nowhere, there's a slim chance they'll make it here before all the blood leaves my body. The odds say that I'll die right here, tonight. Maybe before or maybe after I get to hold my baby, but I will die.

Eric's bullet would have been merciful compared to this.

* * *

I close my eyes and despite the pain my body drifts off into sleep. I don't know how long I sleep for, but when I open my eyes everything is quiet. The orange fog is gone. All the soldiers must have left.

I begin to wonder how they found us. I think of Tobias and I suddenly realize that if the Erudite found us, they must have found them too. They must have attacked them the same way they did us.

I cry out to him over and over again, but he can't hear me. I don't even know if he is alive. I sob again, leaning my back against the large tree that has become my support. I rub at my stomach, trying to comfort my little one as the pain grows in intensity and in frequency. And then I remember my last visit to Charity's.  
 _  
Charity_ , I think.

I hope she is alive.

I try to steady my breaths, but my sobbing makes it hard to breathe. Still, I close my eyes and I focus. And just like I did the last time I was worrying about our child and I needed him, I let myself draw strength from Tobias.

 _Tobias_ , I whisper. His name resounds over and over in my head as I try to connect myself to him.

 _Tobias_ , I whisper again. And as a gush of the cold night breeze races past me, I feel him here with me. We're connected beyond the physical, beyond the tangible. And in some transcendent realm he's standing before me and I him. So I speak to him.

"I miss you," I say to him. "I've missed you so much."

I pause. The next part is difficult.

"I need you to know that I love you." Tears escape my closed eyelids. "And I'll love you even in death. I'm so sorry, Tobias." My hands grab at my aching belly and my voice breaks when I whimper, "I'm so sorry I couldn't keep him safe."

As I think about what I want my last words to the love of my life to be, I hear his voice in the wind.  
 _  
I will find you_

My eyes can't open quickly enough. I gasp deeply. My eyes search the darkness haphazardly looking for him. He's not here, but he is coming. My body is invigorated at the thought and the pain in my abdomen and the throbbing bullet wound in my leg disappear.

 _He's alive_. _He's coming for me. I need to hold on. I need to stay awake._

My thoughts are determined and my body becomes indomitable. I stand to my feet and walk over to where I had thrown the gun. I retrieve it and I walk to the closest tree, and then the other tree, and then the other. I need to make it to the train tracks. As my abdomen recoils inside me and the full weight of my body presses down on my injured leg, there is no pain; just the euphoric thrill of me getting closer and closer to Tobias.

I run faster than I can possibly run, like I'm breathing adrenaline instead of air. I hear the train approaching and I know I've made it. I laugh hysterically like a mad woman as it comes into view.

He's here.

I'm about to step closer when I see a man jump off the train. My laughing stops when I realize he is not alone, and I'm not close enough to make out a face but given his height and the clumsy way he runs, I know that it is not Tobias.

I count ten figures. The last to jump was a woman. She yells something back at the train. There is someone still inside. I see a small frame with long hair jump from the train, running off the momentum. She's fast for someone so small. But the way she runs, I recognize it almost immediately.

"Rae," I croak. She did it. She actually did it.

* * *

 **A/N: Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :) And tell me… Are you hoping for a boy or a girl? :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**:)**

* * *

 **9\. Special delivery**

 **TRIS**

"I'm over here!" I yell with the loudest voice that I can find, knowing that I need to be louder than the passing train as it screeches on the iron rails.

I press my weight into the tree beside me as my left thigh suddenly remembers that there's a bullet lodged in it, and I watch as the pack continue to run toward the forest. They didn't hear me.

In an act of desperation I stand myself behind the tree, and raising my arms over my head I fire a single shot into the air. If they fire back I should be shielded by the wide bark of the tree. I don't hear anything but the echo of the bullet as it vibrates inside my head. Then I hear the train horn and the rustling of the branches above me as its leaves fall on my head. There's no crossfire.

I wait for just a few seconds before carefully peeping out. Everyone has stopped running. They're just standing there, guns ready, staring in my direction. But Rae pushes past the men and rushes toward me. She knows it's me though I don't know how.

She shouts something at the woman who I now know is Evelyn, who in turn yells orders at the men; one of whom is carrying what seems to be a large, flat piece of wood. He and four others along with Evelyn and Rae sprint toward me and I sob with relief. For seconds all I can do is sob with relief. The other men head off into the forest toward the camp.

Evelyn gets to me first and she grabs my face with her cold, sweating hands.

"Are you ok?" She doesn't give me time to answer. "We're gonna get you out of here, ok?"

She glances behind her, watching as the men set up some kind of contraption and then stares worriedly at my blood-smeared clothes. Rae collides into me, crying into my belly and I slowly easy myself downward, dropping the gun as I sit at the base of the tree. I pull her tightly into me and I grab on to her hair a little harder than I should, crying into her shoulders.

"You did it, Rae," I whimper softly into her ear, clutching at the little girl who has saved my life three times tonight. I pull her face away to look at her, skimming my thumbs over her cheekbones. There's no fear, just pure determination in her eyes.

"How did you-"

"I ran," she says. And my eyes open wide. Exactly how far did she run? The closest factionless community is miles away.

"She's a very brave girl," says Evelyn quietly. She turns around to look at Rae. Her expression is that of confusion and awe. Whatever Rae did to get Evelyn here, it must have been epic.

I glance back at Rae and I chuckle softly as I wipe the tears from her cheeks. Her wet eyes are beautiful, like shimmering melted silver. She smiles back at me and in that moment I know that no matter what happens we will always have each other.

I'm brought to my feet and led over to the large piece of wood that now has a thick blanket spread over it and four handles sticking out in each corner. I lay myself down. It is surprisingly comfortable. I chuckle frivolously, feeling like a princess, as four strong factionless men pick up my carriage. I guess in a way I am a princess of sorts. I _am_ the girlfriend of their queen's son after all.

My moment of bliss is rudely interrupted as I have another contraction. It sends a chill up my spine and spreads down my arms, giving me goose bumps. The men begin to walk and I grab Evelyn's arm. They stop.

"Leave someone behind," I say. "Tobias is on his way. He won't know where I am." My voice is weak but she hears me and nods.

"Take her. Go!" Evelyn yells to the four men carrying me.

I'm not sure if this is how they plan to transport me to the factionless, but if it is we've got a long journey ahead of us. They walk for a few minutes through the thick forest, my body bouncing up and down on the large plate on which I am being carried. I am almost worried that the weight of me will break it and I will fall through. Rae walks beside us and she grabs at my hand. I squeeze her fingers tightly.

Suddenly, I see where the trees stop and we enter what seems to be a road. It's a dirt road and it's filled with potholes but it is wide enough for a vehicle. Just then I hear an engine and I see headlights in the distance; though it's extremely quiet and extremely dark so I have no idea how far away it really is.

We don't wait for long.

A small, rusty orange truck parks beside us, its engine humming a low rumble. A short middle aged woman dressed in a white shirt and red pants jumps out from the driver's seat and looks at me, assessing the situation I assume. Her face wrinkles as she thinks.

"Wait!" I hear a voice yell from within the forest. Evelyn quickly emerges. She presses on her knees as she catches her breath and then nods at the woman in front of me. "I'm coming with you," she says.

As Evelyn stands up straight I see a gun peeking out from the waistline of her pants. Rae sees it too, eyeing it and Evelyn, but she quickly turns away. She must not want to see it. Only in a world as ugly and perilous as ours are eight year olds shot or pressed to shoot people. It makes me want to steal her away and lock her up in a room where she'll always be safe.

"Ok. Come on. Let's get her in the truck," the woman says after a few seconds. They load me in the back, laying me out across the seat. Evelyn's bony lap supports my head, and with my knees bent, my legs rest on the other woman. One of the men lifts Rae and drops her in the passenger's seat at the front and he runs around the front of the truck, entering the driver's side. The other three run back the way we came.

"Tris," the woman says sternly. It's weird having someone I've never met before know my name. "My name's Natanya," she says. "I'm a midwife. I need you to answer some questions for me ok?"

I'm too exhausted to answer any questions, but I know that I don't have a choice.

Evelyn's touch against my hair is strange. I got the feeling at our previous encounter that she doesn't like me very much, yet here she is saving my life, saving my child, and comforting me. All of a sudden I wonder if she's doing this for me, for Tobias or for herself.

Natanya asks me questions about exactly how far along I am, my last ultrasound, the pain and the bleeding. My answers don't seem to reassure her very much. There is not much to learn from three ' _I'm not sure_ 's and one ' _I've never had one'_.

She and Evelyn share a worried glance and I realize just how complicated this delivery is going to be. I try my best to recount the things that Charity did and all that she had told me. I tremble at the thought of her. I don't know if she and Sarah made it out.

Whatever I say seems to help a bit. Natanya looks less worried as she places a hand on my stomach, measuring the time between my contractions.

We drive slowly to avoid bouncing too much, but it's still a lot faster than the pace we were walking.

I'm not aware of how much time passes or of the places we pass on the way. Between Natanya's questions, my exhaustion, and the thought of me having to somehow find the strength to push, all I can do is look up at the night sky and let the moonlight compose me.

I do notice when we transition from the dirt road to a much smoother one, and not before long we stop. I lift my head to see exactly where I am and the place looks familiar. We're here, the broken down part of the city where the factionless live. It's not too far from where I used to live only a little less than a year ago. It seems like so much more time than that has passed.

Evelyn and Natanya gently sit me up and lead me out of the vehicle, hooking their arms around my waist. Rae quickly finds herself by my side.

We enter a large brick building that looks like it should be abandoned. As we enter I realize just how not abandoned it actually is. I catch the attention of every factionless person that I limp past, but I try not to look at them. I knew that they lived in a community; a faction of factionless. Still, it's a strange sight to see. We walk deep into the building until we come across a large wooden door. Evelyn removes her arm from around my waist and quickly pushes open the unlocked door. It squeaks on its hinges.

There is another woman inside. She has warm brown skin and silky smooth hair and she is dressed in a short dark-blue dress. It's nice to see people wearing clothes that aren't a shade of orange or yellow or red.

The room looks comfortable though it is small. There's a table right beside the large bed filled with containers of warm water and large towels. I glance at Evelyn in disbelief, realizing just how much effort she placed into this rescue mission. She seems to have thought of everything. 'Thank you' doesn't seem to cut it.

They lead me over to the bed and Natanya gently ushers Rae outside. She glances back at me as she walks out, waving at me with tears in her eyes. I wish I could tell her that she had nothing to be afraid of, that everything will be ok.

The door is closed behind her and I'm gently placed on the bed, my bloody pants removed.

* * *

When it all begins, I'm sure that everyone within a ten mile radius can hear me scream. I grab on to the mattress, piercing holes into it with my fingernails. Evelyn's hands rest on my shoulders and gently rub at my back after every push.  
 _  
I can do this. I can do this_ , I think that I think to myself. I only realize that I'm not thinking when Evelyn rubs gently at the beads of sweat pouring from my forehead and answers my thoughts.

"Yes, you can, Tris," she says, resting her chin on my sweating head. "You're so strong," she leans to whisper in my ear. I can't help but twist my neck around to look at her. I _am_ strong, even though I had almost forgotten. She doesn't know me well enough to know that, and it is no secret that she despises me, but it's nice to know that's what she thinks of me.

She leans in closer to my face, pressing a palm into my cheek, and I see for the first time how old she is; I see the lines that frame her eyes and mouth, and the unhealthy pallor she wears from years of eating far too little. Still, she is handsome like her son. Near-starvation could not take that.

"You're almost there, Tris! One more push!" the woman in the blue dress yells and with my last bit of strength I bear down, screaming into the night. And for a minute the pain stops. My body collapses. I feel weak, but my mind is awake. Evelyn rests my head gently on the pillow as she walks over to see her grandchild.

"There he is!" The factionless midwife holds something tiny in her palms, too low for me to see over my still large belly, but by the look on her face he is beautiful, just like I imagined him.

"It's really a boy?" I ask weakly as she manoeuvres around a clean pair of scissors and clips. Evelyn leans in to see and her eyes light up as the little person that Tobias and I made begins to squirm and cry.

It's the most beautiful sound I've ever heard and I almost don't hear the midwife when she says my name.

"Tris?"

Her voice is light but I hear something like panic in them. She stops manoeuvring for a quick second between my legs and then quickly picks up the pace. She doesn't show my baby to me. Instead she wraps him up quickly and gives him to Evelyn.

Suddenly I feel another contraction and I cry out in pain.

Something is wrong. Charity told me that when the baby's out, the pain stops.

"Oh my god," the woman says quietly.

She enters her gloved hand inside of me, moving something, while Natanya manoeuvres at my stomach. They exchange a glance and then a nod and the woman in the blue dress looks up at me with something like horror in her dark brown eyes.

"What's wrong?" I ask frighteningly. All my weakness disappears as I fear for my son's life and my own.

"Answer me!" I yell at her.

She swallows hard but then an apologetic smile creeps up on her face as she quietly says, "There's another baby."

"WHAT!?"

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews/comments from last chapter! They really made my day :) You guys are very perceptive! I have to watch out for you for the rest of this story lol Please let me know what you thought about this chapter! :)**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I am so glad you guys are liking this story so far! :) Thanks so much for the comments/reviews. I always appreciate them. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter also! :)**

* * *

 **10\. Rescued**

 **TOBIAS**

I don't wait for the train to slow before jumping off, and I tear through the forest. It's still, like death, yet I barely hear the sound of my own heavy breathing or the thundering of the ground as my feet crash into it. I am deaf with fright. Or maybe my heart is beating so loudly that I just can't manage to hear anything else.

Above me, the sky is bright, cloudless, and my path through the trees lit by the moon. I stiffen when up ahead I see the silhouette of a body spread out across the grass in front of a large tree. I slow my stride as I approach it, only to see two more tumbled bodies next to it. They're all dead.

I advance slowly, cautiously. This could not have happened more than an hour ago. I don't hear or see anyone, but there might still be soldiers lurking around, and I'm unarmed.

I peer over the body and I see a face that I recognize all too well, a face that I've come to loathe ever since my initiation. It is a pity that I did not get to end him myself. Whoever Eric cornered by this tree got the best of him, and his little friends too.  
 _  
Tris. She got away,_ I think.

Tris is the only person I know that's both smart and fast enough to have done this. Still, my eyes search my surroundings in panic. I have no idea where she is or where she could have gone. This forest is immense and there's no way I can search all of it, although that won't stop me from trying.

I take Eric's gun and I race toward the camp, navigating through the trees. From the distance I can see people walking around, comforting each other. Most of the orange tents have been overturned. I see some of the Abnegation refugees and some of the Amity, but not one Dauntless traitor in sight. I scan the faces as I hurry past them, horror written on every single one. I don't know exactly what happened here but I'm too frantic to stop and ask. I don't see Tris or Rae or David or Charity. Could they have all escaped together somehow?

I sprint toward my tent, Tris' tent, _our_ tent. The place where we've spent our most intimate moments. The place where she first told me that she loved me. What if she doesn't remember that she told me that? What if she doesn't remember that I'm the father of our baby? What if she doesn't remember me at all? The thought is crippling yet it wills me to get to her and my feet untiringly propel me forward. They have memorized the path and I cut through the camp quickly.

As I come within sight of the tent I see two men standing just outside of it. They don't belong. One is dressed in a white Candor shirt and Dauntless pants, while the other is dressed in no specific faction colour. They look rugged. Factionless.

There's a white sheet covering a long, slender body laid beside the tent. Whoever it is, it's not Tris and that's as much as I want to know right now. Both men stand up straighter as they see me approaching.

"Tobias?" One of them asks. They've been expecting me. Evelyn must have sent them here. She must have known about the attack. I don't consider for even a second that my mother is concerned for my safety.

"Yes," I say harshly as I push aside the front curtain and scan the four corners of the tent, pacing inside of it, too full of manic energy to stay still. But Tris isn't inside.

"She's not here," one of the factionless men points out. My head instantly swings around and my eyes lock on his.

"Where is she? Is she ok?" I demand, and I feel like I'm holding a live wire, my hands twitching and my thoughts frantic.

"Tris was ok," he says. "Evelyn took her back to the factionless to deliver the baby. I don't think they got to her. But when we got to the camp everyone here kept talking about some storm..." His voice fades out though he continues speaking, and I don't hear the last part.

 _Tris is having the baby._ Suddenly I'm aware of my own heartbeat.

"Was she alone?" I ask hastily. I'm not sure if I interrupted him. But I don't want to waste any more time here.

"When we found her, yeah," he says. "But there was a little girl. I don't remember her name."

"Rae," I say.

"Yeah, that's her," he says, and some of my tension disappears. I quickly scan the frantic crowd one more time looking for David and Charity.

"There are some bodies by the edge of the camp if you're looking for someone specific," the other factionless man says. "There are only a few dead. I guess those are the ones who tried to run. You know this one?" He lifts the white sheet to reveal a face and suddenly I feel horrible for not caring who was under it. "We found his body along a path about a mile out," he says.  
 _  
David._

"Yeah, I do."

In that moment I feel a stifling oppression in my chest. David is - was - a friend and he was Rae's father. How do you tell an eight year old girl that she's an orphan? As fake as it was, I grieved for my mother all the years I thought she was dead and it devastated me.

I go to check the other bodies and to my relief none of them is Charity. All that means is that she could still be alive, but if she's not at the camp or with Tris then I have no idea where she is.

* * *

Together, the two men and I make our way to the factionless safe house. I don't wait for the train. I push the sleeves of my shirt up to my elbows and I run. My muscles burn but I push through it. Everything rushes past me in a blur. Trees, roads, buildings, all blended together, until we arrive at an old, abandoned brick building, only it's not abandoned. What I see is definitely strange, but it doesn't surprise me. My mother _did_ tell me that the factionless were coming together, that night when she chose to reveal her existence to me.

The men lead me through an old boiler room with metal machinery. It's warm and it smells like rust. We head to the back of it where I see my mother leaning against a large, square, wooden table. An old chandelier with several missing light bulbs dangles above her head.

We have not spoken since she left the camp all those months ago, but I waste no time with pleasantries.

"Where is she?!" I demand. I don't mean to yell at my mother, but I don't care not to either, and right now I need to see Tris and our baby.

My mother takes her sweet time in getting up. "Follow me," she says and listlessly begins to walk down a dark corridor. Each slow step echoes through the empty hallway and is like a hammer driving a nail into me.

"Are you _trying_ to aggravate me?" I bark.

She stops in front of a large wooden door and watches me for a second, her expression is cold, unyielding. And then she turns the knob. "They're in here," she says, turning her eyes away from me. She gestures inside and I rush in to see Tris covered from the waist down in a white blanket. She looks weak and pale, the blood from her cheeks gone, and her hair is wet, sticking to her face. But her eyes are still bright and stern, demanding attention. Looking at Tris is like waking up.

"Tobias," she says softly and with a smile.

I think to cross the room but I stop dead in the middle of it. There's a tiny baby in Tris' arms wrapped in a yellow blanket, but there's a tall woman in a blue dress holding another. For an instant- no, longer than an instant- I consider the possibility that they could both be mine.

"Come," Tris whispers, the corners of her lips curled up into a smile, and although her face looks worn it glows and she looks heavenly. I close the space between us and I take a knee by her bedside.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to come get you," I say, rubbing at her hair and kissing at her face.

"It's ok," she whispers. "I knew you'd come for me." She smiles down at the baby in her arms and before I can ask or say anything she says, "This is your son." The words paralyze me. My mouth opens to speak but it doesn't. He's beautiful, with a patch of red on the skin between his eyes, and all I can do is stare at him.

I have a son.

"Can I hold him?" I say finally.

"Of course," she chuckles, and it pulls at my heart. I carefully take my son into my arms and it's like all the broken parts of me come together somehow. His tiny pink fingers faintly curl around mine and I feel whole.

I _have_ to be better. I _have_ to be. For _him_.

Just then the factionless woman in the blue dress gives the other baby to Tris and I stare at her wide-eyed.

"And this is your daughter," Tris says, confirming my initial suspicion. I gasp and something like a laugh and a cry escapes me. Could this really be happening? To me?

My throat tightens as Tris begins to coo gentle words at our daughter and then an all too familiar force drives me to touch my lips to hers. I pull away and our eyes meet. I want more. I grin and I kiss her again, this time more sure of it. I lean in closer, as close as I can get with two babies between us, kissing her harder. But it's not enough, how can it be?

The factionless woman leaves and my mother pulls the door shut. I didn't even realize she was still standing there.

I bring my forehead to Tris' and I savour the closeness, the feel of her skin against mine. Her breaths are warm against my face. "Did you know?" I barely whisper.

"No," she says, shaking her head. I chuckle a little but I don't open my eyes, afraid that this is all just a wonderful dream, the vision of a life that someone like me can only ever hope to have.

"I love you," I say with a jagged breath.

"I love you too, Tobias," she whispers against my lips. "So much."

And then we're both crying and laughing and kissing.

We may have just lost a war, but this is indisputably the best moment of my life.

* * *

I sit myself beside Tris on the bed while she tells me everything and at the end of it I can barely breathe. I hold her close as the reality that I could have lost them all today smashes into me like a head on collision. We have no idea where Charity is, Rae shot a man in the head, and I owe my mother my life. I'm left paralyzed by all three shocking revelations.

"Have you spoken to Evelyn?" Tris asks me.

"Not yet. But I'm going to."

"Maybe you can... try and fix things with her," she says.

I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. To be connected to her again feels strange, like putting on an old piece of clothing that doesn't quite fit anymore. But after everything she's done, I can't deny that she deserves at least a try. Tris looks down at the baby boy in her arms and says, "If she feels about you the way I feel about him, then-" her voice breaks, "-then you should."

"Ok," I say. I place a gentle kiss on her forehead and I lay our daughter in the bassinet beside the bed. I don't want to leave this room, but there are undoubtedly a few thanks in order. I decide to head to Evelyn first.

I barely know her, but she's still my mother and we share a horrible past. She was the only other person who knew all the secrets of our Abnegation house, the violence contained within its walls. We were united in fear then. Maybe now something else can unite us, something better.

* * *

"At first I thought it was a joke," she says. "But Rae was very persistent." My mother leans on the edge of the table like she always does, tapping her fingers against it and chewing the inside of her mouth.

"I don't doubt it," I say, staring at the floor. My mother is quiet, pensive, and I know that there's something tugging at the back of her mind, something that she wants to say. And then it comes.

"You're lucky that girl is alive, Tobias," she says, chastising me, as if she still has the right.

"I didn't come here for you to lecture me," I say defensively.

"Well someone needs to." Her tone has changed drastically and I know it's from anger. "Why didn't she ever see a doctor? Or get an ultrasound?"

"You know we didn't have the best conditions at the camp. But she wasn't without care. She had a nurse."

"You could have brought her here!" My mother scowls at me and I feel a rush of anger at her hypocrisy. Where was this side of her when she decided to leave me with Marcus? Or did _my_ well-being not matter to her?

"After the way you treated her?" I snap. "You made it pretty obvious that you didn't like her."

"Tobias, I am your mother! And those are my grandchildren!" she yells, pushing herself off the edge of the table and pointing a rigidly straight arm in the direction of Tris' room. "I may not like her but I certainly don't want her dead or giving birth in the middle of nowhere. Especially because of my son's recklessness."

I scoff and shake my head. As right as she is, I'd rather not hear this right now. Especially not from her. So I ask, "Are you done?" and I wait until she's quiet for long enough before I continue. "I just wanted to say 'Thank You'."

She looks deep into my eyes and says nothing. And then she nods. There's a sincerity in her eyes and they well up with tears when she says, "Maybe now that you have children of your own you'll understand that no matter what I did, I never meant to hurt you, Tobias."

"Tris seems to think so too," I say after a while. I look away. I want to forgive my mother for abandoning me and leaving me with a sadistic monster, but there's a part of me that's too damaged, afraid that if I forgive her and let her in she'll just hurt me again.

"So… what's your plan… with her?" my mother says as she slumps herself back onto the table. It creaks a little when she crosses her arms.

"My plan remains the same."

"I hope it's not because you feel obligated."

"I know you'd like to think that," I say with a hiss, "But whether you want to believe it or not, I love Tris and she loves me. And that's not ever gonna change."

"That's what I said when I married your father," she says flatly.

"Well she's not you. And I'm not him," I say.

Tris taking my name means all of Dauntless knowing who I am, where I come from, all that Marcus did to me. But as much as it's Marcus' name, it's mine and I won't let him take that away from me too. It's time I let myself be healed. I refuse to let my past affect my family's present or their future. I regret nothing, nothing at all. All that plagues me now is the desire to make the most of my decisions and to get in the habit of making better ones. And even before all is said and done, I can, without a doubt, say that Tris is the best decision I will ever make.

My mother studies me for a few seconds, then bites down on her lip before she says, "Ok."

"Ok?... That's it?" I ask incredulously. No fighting? No snide comment?

She shrugs. "She might be good for you."

 _Might?_

"She's strong," she adds.

"Yes, she is," I say firmly. I know it takes a lot for her to admit Tris' strength. And although her response to all this is not as enthusiastic as I would like, it's much less unpleasant than what I have come to expect of my mother. I suppose that it's a small step toward bridging the distance between us, so for now, it'll have to do. There might be some hope left for us after all.

"I was wondering if they could stay here for a while," I say. "I have some things I need to go take care of back at Erudite."

"Of course they can. Tris needs to rest. And I was hoping to spend as much time as I can with the little ones before…" her voice trails off and then she goes quiet. Her mouth and eyes turn down at the corners like they bear little weights, like she's sad about something. _Before I never see them again,_ is what I imagine she couldn't say.

I think about it for a minute. Once the words leave my lips I can never take them back. I swallow and say, "I was thinking that maybe I could bring them to come see you... every once in a while."

She searches my eyes and then she smiles. I don't remember the last time I saw my mother smile. "I'd like that," she says, her eyes wet. I smile a little too.

"Listen," I add, "I might need some help forging birth papers for Rae."

She nods but she doesn't ask why. I assume that she imagines why.

* * *

I make my way out of my mother's makeshift office in search of Rae, but she sees me before I see her and all I hear are quick, frantic footsteps heading in my direction.

"I had to! I had to! He was gonna hurt Tris!" Rae crashes into me and sobs wildly into my shirt. All I can do is crouch down and hold her.

"I know sweetheart, I know." I rock her back and forth hoping it will sooth her but I can tell that comfort is fleeting as images of what she did crush her. Still, I don't let go, trying my best to rock away the pain that no eight year old should ever feel. I make a silent promise upon my friend's life that I will love and protect his daughter as my own until the day I die. And it's almost like she can feel that promise because as I make it she wraps her arms around me tightly, though they don't go all the way around. She sighs deeply into my chest and her crying slows.

"Is Tris and the baby ok?" she asks as she releases me and wipes at her face. And I realize she hasn't been in to see them yet.

"Tris is fine," I say while helping her to wipe what's left of her tears. And with a smile I say, "And so are the babies." Rae stares at me, her grey eyes wide. "You saved them Rae. They're all alive because of you," I say. "I'm so proud of you. You were so brave."

Her eyes are wet again but there's a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips. And then it's gone.

"What's gonna happen to me?" she asks. "My dad…"

I wasn't sure how I was going to tell her that her father was dead, but from the look on her face, I can tell she already knows.

"You-" I say while taking her tiny hand in mine, "-can come live with Tris and I for as long as you like. If you want to." There's a flicker in her eyes and she nods wildly. "Yes!" she says as she flings her arms around me one more time.

It takes a while for me to stand up straight. I'm not sure how long I was crouched, but it was long enough to make my knees lock. I hold Rae's hand to take her to see Tris and the babies but she tugs at me, willing me to stop.

"Evelyn took my gun. I want it back. It was my mother's." My eyes open wide at the realization that David must have given it to her before he died. No doubt as a last resort. She saw her father die.

"You don't have to give it back now," she says. "You can hold on to it until I'm old enough."

As troubling as her statement is, it makes me smile. It means she's planning to stay with us for a very long time. There's no way I'm giving her back that gun before she's sixteen. Besides, Rae was born for Dauntless. She'll fit right in.

"Ok," I say. This time she leads the way, pulling me along the dark corridors to Tris' room.

As we enter Rae runs straight toward Tris who is still holding our son in her arms. I hear them giggling and exchanging kisses behind me as I pick up my daughter from the small bassinet.

"There's two of them!" Rae shouts excitedly as she holds out two fingers. "What are their names?"

"I was thinking we could name them now, together," Tris says sweetly.

"Do we give them matching names?" I ask.

She laughs softly and then says, "They'll hate us."

"After initiation they can just change it if they want to," I say, smiling. But I hope they don't. After Amar gave me my nickname I only clung to it because I wanted to escape my old life, disconnect myself from it. I plan to give them both the best life possible, one they can hold on to.

"This one's gonna be a good big brother, a guardian," Tris whispers. "He shielded his sister all this time and then he made sure it was safe before he told her it was ok to come out."

"Alexander." The name leaves my lips before I realize that I've suggested it. I never meant to, it's just that I thought about him after Tris' description. But I don't take it back. It would be an honour to name my son after the man who saved my life today.

"I like it," Tris says enthusiastically. "Alex," she whispers and leans herself into him to kiss him on the forehead.

"What about our little princess here?" I ask. "Alexandra?" I tease. I hope Tris knows I'm joking.

"NO!" Tris lets out a short but loud laugh, only stopping herself to not disturb the now sleeping Alex.

"Can we call her Annabelle?" Rae tip toes beside me and smiles down at the tiny baby girl in my arms. I don't ask her where she got the name. It's perfect.

"That's a beautiful name, Rae," I say. "She'll love it."

Tris doesn't say anything, but by the tears forming in her eyes I know that the name means something to her.

"Alexander and Annabelle," the mother of my children whispers softly. Love in its purest form radiates from every angle of her smile. I haven't seen Tris smile like that since before her parents died. I know a part of her will always mourn the loss of two of the people she loved most, but somehow I know that having gained two more precious people to love and live for has healed her the same way it has healed me.

"Alex and Anna," I say, grinning, and the names feel sweet on my tongue.

Rae grins too and then she leaves my side and goes to stand by Tris. "You want to hold him?" Tris asks her.

"Can I?" She smiles so wide that the corners of her lips almost touch her ears.

"Of course. He's your baby brother." Tris gently hands him over and he squirms a little before relaxing into Rae's arms.

"Hi, baby brother," she whispers. "I promise I'll be the best big sister ever." And then she leaves a small kiss on his tiny forehead.

As it all unfolds my heart races, overwhelmed by a flood of emotion. I never thought it was humanly possible to love Tris anymore than I already did. Neither did I ever imagine that I would be cradling in my arms what feels like my entire universe. Then I look at Rae. I'll always owe her my life. Every precious moment that I am able to have with my family from this day forward is only possible because she has a strength that defies reason.

I swallow nervously as I sense that I am now in unfamiliar territory. I have a family of my own. Somehow I get the feeling that my life is only just beginning. I'm a father, not to two children but three. And there is more love in this very moment, in this tiny room, than I have ever felt in my entire life.

A little more of the darkness that lives inside of me dies. I close my eyes to force back the tears but it's not enough. The burning feeling inside my chest refuses to be contained.

And it overflows.

* * *

 **A/N: Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I do not own Divergent!**

* * *

 **11\. Battling the storm**

 **TOBIAS**

Walking away from that room had proven to be excruciating. Leaving Tris again, leaving my babies, had felt like I was separating my own skin from the flesh beneath it. I only got to spend one day with them, but it was enough to leave them embedded in my core.

They were all I could think about on the way back to Erudite. Not the city and whatever Jeanine Matthews did to it, not our spies who were caught, not if Zeke succeeded in saving the others. No. All I could think about was the fact that my son had my eyes, that my daughter had Tris' eyes and my lips. I still feel the faint ghost of a tiny hand wrapped around my finger. My thumb gently traces circles over it as I walk.

I make my way quietly to the abandoned building where we slept throughout most of the operation.  
I really don't know what to expect. If Zeke didn't get to them in time they may not even remember what they're doing here, assuming that there's even anybody here.

I push open the dusty glass doors. My footsteps echo against the tiled floor. I take the stairs and make my way down to the sublevel floors of the building where we have turned various empty rooms into bedrooms and a kitchen area.

I hear voices, all familiar ones. Peter's is loudest of them all. Leave it to him to survive.

I enter one of the rooms and I'm quickly greeted by Shauna. "Four!" she yells, and she tightly wraps her arms around me. At first the embrace makes me cringe a little and she laughs at how tense it makes me. I'm still such a Stiff, but I make the extra effort to laugh and return the hug.

I have no idea what they've been through in the day and a half that I've been gone. But at least if Shauna is happy to see me, it means that they're not mad that I just picked up and left.

Zeke is next to throw himself around us both. "Glad you made it, man," he says. I hear the sincerity in his voice and I see the warmth behind his smile and it makes me feel more than a little guilty. I haven't been worried about them much at all. I should have been.

"And Beatrice?" I hear Caleb say as he walks over to me. It's always strange to hear him call her that. That name is so wrong for her.

Not that I'm not glad to see him, but what is he doing here? Zeke must have gone back for him. When I look around the room I realize that he is not the only one who's not supposed to be here. Marcus stands in a corner, his face expressionless and his arms crossed, completely unfazed by my wellbeing. Then again, he has never cared about me a day in his life.

"How is she, Four?" A worried Christina pants as she crosses the room. I feel crowded all of a sudden.

"Tris is fine," I say as Zeke and Shauna release me. "They're all ok."

 _"They?"_ Shauna asks me in amazement, tucking a loose strand of dark hair behind her ear. I can't level the grin on my face when I say, "Yeah. They."

"You're a dad?" Zeke asks incredulously, slapping my back so hard it hurts.

Christina's eyes light up when she asks, "A girl or a boy?"

"Both, actually," I say, grinning. "Twins." And Christina's mouth opens so wide I swear she could swallow me whole.

"Hey everybody!" I hear Zeke yell and I rush to cover his mouth with my hand but I'm too late. "My best friend is a dad! To twins!" He fights me as I try to silence him and he shouts, "I'm an uncle!"

"Congratulations, Four," I hear multiple voices say and I feel several pats on my back. Over the loud whistling and shouts and catcalls I even hear them congratulating Caleb. He is their uncle after all. No one says anything to Marcus. I'm glad.

"At least there's some good news in all of this," Tori says, and it reminds me that things may not have been so good on this side. I lose my grin and I ask, "So what's the situation here?"

Zeke explains to me that Marcus and Caleb were rescued by James, one of the Erudite traitors who slipped Jeanine's detection. Jeanine used the memory serum to feed the entire city a bogus story about a rainstorm that passed over the city and destroyed the Abnegation sector and left many more dead. After she used the memory serum on the majority of them, the traitor Dauntless returned to the compound and it left the Erudite headquarters unprotected. Since Jeanine wasn't expecting an attack from any side, the few rebels that were left were able to take her and the remaining Dauntless traitors out, including Max. Shauna and Christina were especially thrilled when I told them that Eric was dead too, though I don't mention how he came to be that way.

James then tells me that in an attempt to destroy the Erudite simulation and serum data, and the information Jeanine had accumulated about the Divergent, Tori blew up the Erudite database after Caleb had downloaded all that he deemed important for the survival of the city. So no one will ever be able to repeat what Jeanine did.

However, that now creates a different problem. They've destroyed all our evidence. And the people in this room are the only ones in the entire city who remember the past year the way it actually happened. Us and the factionless, since Jeanine never knew that the factionless safe houses existed. And even if she did, I doubt she would have wasted her time with them. After all, who would ever bother to listen to the factionless?

The tension in the room is high and the blame bounces from person to person. I, for one, think that it's my fault for abandoning them, although I really had no choice and I'd do it again if I had to. Tris will always come first. And even if I had stayed, I probably would have done the same thing. Could the Erudite really be trusted not to attack and enslave our minds again? I certainly don't think so. But I've always had a problem with trust.

All we can do now is try and figure out what to do next, but James and Uriah's bickering isn't getting us anywhere.

"We won't be able to convince them!" James says loudly, his voice deep and frustrated. "They'll think we're all crazy."

"So what do you suggest we do?" Uriah asks, holding his head.

"We need to leave the city!"

"And go where?!" Peter almost laughs. Usually I hate his interjections, but that's a good question.

"What other option is there? We can't just stay here!"

"We can if we continue to do what we've always been doing," Uriah says, nodding his head. "What those before us did."

"Oh you mean hide?"

"We blend in."

"For how long? For how many more generations?" James argues heatedly. "Assuming that they don't kill us all eventually. We either take this city or we leave it because they'll destroy us and then they'll destroy themselves."

Asides from Marcus and myself, James and Uriah are the only other Divergents in the room. The others will be 'safe' in the system, or at least they won't be targeted. So they'll go with whatever plan we put forward, since our lives are the ones ultimately in danger.

"I don't know about you," Uriah says, "but I don't think there's food or water over that fence. And we can't take this city by force."

"I don't see why not!" James sneers.

"Spoken like a true Erudite."

Listening to them argue back and forth is driving me insane. Mostly because I can understand where they're both coming from. The situation does seem hopeless. I wish Tris was here. She'd know what to do.

What _would_ Tris do?

"You're both right," I say eventually, unsure if I interrupted someone's sentence. Everyone turns to look at me. "This will all just happen all over again if we don't do something about the factions. But right now, there's nothing we _can_ do. With no one remembering what the Erudite did, and with no way to prove it to them, we won't be able to change a damn thing. We've lost our leverage. But we can't cower in the shadows forever. And that goes for everybody," I say, looking at the others around the room, "not just the Divergent."

"So where does that leave us, Four?" asks Christina.

"We stick to the plan. We infiltrate the government and monitor the situation as best as we can from there. We take control of initiation where we can, protect the Divergent, and we keep a tally of our numbers. When they screw up again we'll be there. And that time, we'll get the job done."

"Like sleeper agents," Christina adds. I nod. We'll be outnumbered since the selected faction leaders of Candor, Amity and Erudite were killed in the attack yesterday. But with us holding four out of ten seats on the council, we'll be able to control enough from the inside.

"Who knows how long that could take?" James doesn't rebut me in the same tone he does Uriah. "And besides, this was the perfect screw up. They murdered almost an entire faction. The need for change was evident. We can't just sit around and wait for the next disaster."

"No," Tori says as she places her hand gently on James' shoulder. She's taken somewhat of a liking to him over the past six months. "What we can't do, James, is be the cause of the next disaster." Her voice is soft, her eyes pleading with him, begging him to understand. "If we act now, they'll stand against us. If we decide to get rid of the factions and the factionless stand with us, we win, but so many of them will die." She pauses. "And if we decide to keep the factions, the factionless won't stand with us, and then so many of _us_ will die."

" _All_ of us will die," Christina murmurs dryly in the corner. She's right. There's only a handful of us left.

"We cannot provoke a civil war that could destroy what's left of the world. The only way this ends humanely is if everybody stands together," Tori continues. I've never heard her speak this way before. Usually she's Dauntless to the core. Or maybe that's what's driving her, since Dauntless would be the first faction to rise up against us. She doesn't want to see her faction slaughtered.

"But what if they never listen?" James pleads, placing a gentle hand on Tori's face. Given how brainwashed the people in this city are, I understand his concern.

"We have to give them that chance," Tori replies.

James nods in agreement, but I know that as much as he understands he's not too happy that we're back at square one. I share his sentiment. I'm not a particularly patient person either. I'd much rather attack now too. Truth is I've stuck to my decision for selfish reasons alone. At first, I had the lives of everyone in this city at heart. But now, I refuse to start another war because and only because my babies are only two days old, because Tris is in no position to fight, and because Rae has already seen more death than she should have. This is only about my family. When they're safe, I'll revisit the issue.

"So it's decided. We wait," Zeke says. He looks around to see if anyone objects. No one does.

* * *

We stay for a little while longer, discussing ways to implement and influence the new council. Zeke and I have been selected to be the Dauntless representatives. Although, I won't be able to incorporate myself until after a month or two, or for however long Tris needs me. James declined the opportunity to take up a leadership position or even residence in Erudite. My mother will be glad to receive him.

Marcus will have to make the announcement since he's the only surviving member of the original Abnegation council.

When everything is settled everyone leaves the room, probably thinking, _what now_. Everyone but James. I imagine he has something he wants to say to me. He raises his head as I approach him.

"I need to know that if it ever comes down to it, someone will be able to make the call… councillor," he says.

I decide to share my secret with him. I have a feeling it will make him sleep better at night. "I'd prefer not to take this city by force, James," I say. "But between me and you, when the circumstances are right and I'm given a good enough reason to, I won't hesitate."

With me and Tris both being Divergent, the possibility of our children also being Divergent is very high. And no harm will come to my children. I'll burn this city to the ground before I let that happen.

"Please call me when you do," James says with a smile before walking out.

* * *

Me, my clan of Dauntless rebels and Caleb make our way back to Tris. She'll be glad to see them all. It makes me feel proud to know that my son and daughter, Alexander and Annabelle, are enough to give the others the strength to move on from a lost war. I have a feeling that from this day forward, we will all be a lot less like friends and a lot more like family. And in the end, that is what will keep us sane as we continue on with our lives as if though none of this ever happened.

When we get to the factionless, Tris almost drowns herself in tears at the sight of her friends, and they almost do the same at the sight of my babies. At some point, I'll have to leave Tris again for a little while in search of Charity and then we'll all have to head back to Dauntless and readjust. But right now, in this moment, my baby girl is in my arms. Everything is as it should be.

* * *

 **A/N: Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)  
Only two more chapters of history guys. We're almost there!  
And Happy Holidays Everybody! :D **


	12. Chapter 12

**12\. The Councillor  
**  
 **TEN YEARS LATER  
**  
Tobias is 29, Tris is 27, Rae is 18, Alex and Anna are 10.

 **TOBIAS**

I hate this place.

Every time I walk down these halls I'm reminded of the first time I was brought here. The walls are still pearly white and the corridors as confusing as ever but I've learned to navigate, staying clear of certain areas. The passage of time has done nothing to lessen the sting of the evil that was brewed here. I can almost smell it in the air as I take deep breaths, mentally preparing myself for this month's council meeting. They can be quite testing, especially with Marcus there. But since I haven't hit him or anyone else in the face, I'd say I'm doing a marvellous job so far.

Ten years later and not much has changed. We've done our best with the help of the remaining rebels to hide as many Divergents as we can, getting them through initiation undetected. We're doing too good a job. The war I've been wanting so badly to fight seems elusive, and the people of this city seem to have no problem living under the prison that is our faction system. I might have to let a couple more Divergents slip through the cracks if I want to get the ball rolling.

Not yet though. Christian is only two years old and the twins haven't started their training yet. Tris and I decided that after their twelfth birthday we'll begin training them to fight, shoot, strategize. All skills they'd need if it ever comes down to a war.

As I push open the double doors to the conference room, all heads turn to me. I'm late.

I don't speak. I set down my empty briefcase and take my seat beside Zeke at the large round table that sits in the center of the otherwise empty room. Two representatives from each faction sit at the table. Zeke, Victor, Marcus and I being the only representatives left from the original council set up ten years ago.

"You're late again, sweetie. If you keep this up I'll start to think you're cheating on me," Zeke says under his breath.

"I would never," I say to him with mock seriousness. And then we're both snickering like children. We probably shouldn't. We're the youngest members of the council, though we've been here the longest, and not only once has Zeke's maturity or my dedication to this job come into question.

Victor clears his throat loudly. "Let's begin," he says. He's not in charge but he operates under the delusion that he is.

"On the agenda today we have three concerns," says Hana, one of the Candor representatives. _She_ is in charge. "The first is in regards to the high power usage by the Erudite in the past few months. The second is the growing debate as to whether or not Amity should be moved inside the fence. The third being some discrepancies in the aptitude tests, inconclusive results."

My eyes peel open and I begin to pay attention. Maybe we're not doing as good a job as I thought we were.

"Inconclusive?" asks Robert, Marcus' new sidekick. "What does that mean?" I'd say it was an act but he really does look like he doesn't know. Why hasn't Marcus told him?

"It means that the applicant has more than one aptitude," says Hana.

"That's simply impossible," Robert says. "It's probably just a glitch."

"That's what we thought at first, but we've been monitoring it for a while now. It doesn't seem be too common though."

"How interesting," Victor adds, enunciating every syllable and playing with his beard. The lights flicker a little when he begins to speak, adding a bit of melodrama to the scene. "We were able to retrieve some of the old information that was lost ten years ago after the storm."

I raise an eyebrow. That's impossible. It was all destroyed after Tori blew up the database.

"There were articles about these people," he continues. "They're called Divergent. We had dismissed it because we believed that they were all taken care of, but if what you're saying is true, then we need to identify these people and have them removed."

It takes everything in me not to scoff. At least he's a lot more transparent than Jeanine was.

"Why?" Becca, an Amity representative asks. She leans forward tentatively. The idea of 'removing' anyone won't sit well with the Amity. Although that doesn't necessarily mean that they would do anything to try and stop it.

"Their way of life is a problem, Becca. The Divergent could incite rebellions, challenge and defy our laws, they could destroy the peace," Victor says, baiting the Amity with threats of war. How clever.

"I haven't seen any rebellions lately," I say. "They seem to be keeping the law just fine so I don't see the problem." Marcus gives me a hard look, like he's scolding me with his eyes. I'll be glad when he retires from the council next year.

"I wouldn't expect you to," Victor answers my comment. "Let me try and explain, Four."

If he's trying to sound condescending he's doing a wonderful job, and I'd roll my eyes if I weren't trying so hard to look as if I have no idea what he's about to say. I sit up straighter and pretend to take an interest in his twisted ideology.

"A person with more than one aptitude is loyal to more than one faction," he says, "and would therefore be inconsistent in their values, unpredictable in their behaviour. There doesn't seem to a problem now, but what happens when there's more and more of them? Our society could fall apart."

"I think you might be overreacting."

"I'm not!" He shouts, letting his angry, uncontrolled side show for a minute. "These people cannot respect our customs. They cannot respect 'faction before blood'. Their minds are disorderly," he says, as if though it's the worst thing in the world. I think it's exactly what this city needs; disorder. I'd prefer it over the monotone and antagonizingly rigid life we're forced to live.

"What happens when their second aptitude takes over," he continues heatedly, "When their values are contradictory to those of their faction-mates. They'll want to change the way things have always been, mingling with those outside of their faction, maybe even pursuing romantic relationships with them. They threaten our system and the rest of you are _fools_ if you can't see that!"

Victor slams his hand hard against the wooden table, almost tipping over the large jug of water that sits in the middle of it. There's that Erudite arrogance I've been waiting ten years to see. I'm not sure if I should be glad, but some part of me is. I hold back a smile.

"If you believe that only the Divergent are capable of falling in love outside of their faction then you are unlearned in the unlimited power that is love," a tender voice says.

It's very rare when Michael says something, but every time he does, it's something like _that_. He is Amity until it is painful to listen to him speak. Beside me I see Zeke stifling a laugh and then he wiggles his fingers in the air and whispers, "It's magical." He's a twenty-nine year old man with a nine year old son and he's still an idiot. Hana rolls her eyes. All I do is smile and relax into my chair.

"Are you suggesting that you think it's possible to be romantically involved with someone who has nothing in common with you, who does not share your ideals?" The other Candor representative, June, asks.

I'm not sure why I speak, but I do. "I think it's possible," I say, fuelling the debate. Michael and Becca both smile at me. "I don't believe that love is limited to a faction. Sometimes opposites attract, and I think it's possible to fall in love with someone who is everything you're not."

A smile plays on my lips as I think of Tris, of how she is brave and strong and all the things I wish I could be. Then I realize how dangerous my words were, how they could be interpreted, how Divergent they sound but no one else seems to notice.

"I think neither of you make sense and there's really no need to be discussing this," Zeke finally decides to input.

"I agree," Hana says hurriedly, almost as if she was annoyed by the debate. "Let's get back to the point. What do we do with these people?"

Hector, the other Erudite representative answers, "Well, the Erudite have been working on less violent ways to control the city. Surely expulsion from the faction isn't necessary." My eyes open wide and I sit up straight. It's the exact same thing Jeanine said before she wiped the memories of the entire city. I don't know what they're working on, but around here the word "control" means needles and serums and forming a mindless army.

"What exactly have you been working on? And why wasn't the council notified?" Marcus spits.

"I don't think we need to ask permission for every project that we undertake," Victor says. "It is our duty to our faction to pursue knowledge. Asking for permission to do so seems absurd. Besides, I'm sure you don't notify the council every time Abnegation wastes precious resources to feed criminals and those who were too weak to complete their initiation and become a part of our society."

"They're not weak." Robert speaks in his soft Abnegation tone. "And not all of them are criminals. Some were expelled from their factions for sometimes breaking simple rules. And even if they _are_ criminals, that doesn't justify letting them starve or freeze to death. We treat them as if they are less than human."

"Are you suggesting that that is a bad thing? The whole point of the faction system is to maintain order and ensure success. The minute we let people decide which rules they want to keep, and we begin to entertain mediocrity is when things will become chaotic."

I feel a strange sense of Deja-Vu, and it doesn't take long for me to realize that Victor will probably bring on the next apocalypse. His son Jake transferred to Dauntless two years ago and my sources tell me that it's for the same reason I left my old faction. Apparently Victor and Marcus aren't that different. I only did my homework on him because he's taken a special interest in my daughter ever since their initiation. But from what I can tell he seems like a good guy. Although my ten year old son didn't seem to be too fond of him the first time Rae brought him over.

"I don't think it would be fair to punish these people in any way if they have not yet done anything to break the law," June says and Hana nods in approval.

"I agree." Zeke casually raises his right arm.

"That's two for Dauntless," I say evenly.

The Amity representatives whisper between themselves and quickly come to a conclusion. "If the Divergent can continue to live in peace among us, then there's no need to ostracize them. Amity is against."

"Abnegation is against," Marcus says. But their vote isn't necessary. Victor glances across the room and simply nods. "I petition that we revisit this matter in the occasion that the Divergent do begin to pose a threat to our society," he says a bit too calmly.

"Petition granted," Hana replies. "Now to our first matter. The power usage at Erudite."

I'm not really there for the rest of the meeting. I'm not even remotely interested in the politics in play when it comes to the governing of the factions and the controlling of resources. I just need this meeting to be over so that I can get home to my wife and my kids.

"Meeting adjourned." Hana strikes the gavel and I jump. "The next council meeting is scheduled to be held at Candor headquarters," she says, and I'm out of my chair before she finishes her sentence. I can see Zeke scratching the back of his neck and laughing quietly at me.

"What?" I ask. "Like you wanted to be here anymore than I did." I grab my briefcase and turn to make my way through the doors but in my path there's a roadblock dressed in Abnegation grey. I let out a loud, frustrated grunt. "What do you want?" I hiss.

"It's beginning, Tobias." He speaks softly. Not everyone has left the room. "You need to teach them. Train them to fight. It's getting more dangerous."

"They're too young," I say flatly. I don't even know why I answer him.

"You're babying them. It will be to their demise."

"Don't tell me how to raise my children, Marcus." I scowl at him. "Besides, I vividly recall you suggesting that I got rid of them. You remember that?" _This can be dealt with_ he said, and I wanted to drive my fist through his throat. I can feel blood creeping into my face as I stare at him. I push past him and I don't look back. Zeke will just have to catch up.

I _do_ want my children to be able to defend themselves. But I also want them to have some kind of a normal childhood before I tell them that their lives will be in danger for as long as this system is what governs us. Marcus is too cold to understand that. He perversely confuses what is indeed good and not good for a child.

After I found out he was Divergent, I always wondered what his other aptitude was. I never believed that there was ever an ounce of Abnegation in him. He's never done anything remotely selfless for me or anyone for that matter, not the way Tris' parents had. His duplicitous personality is very much inconsistent with Candor. I don't even consider the possibility of Amity. Only a coward would beat those smaller and weaker than himself so I'm sure it wasn't Dauntless. Or maybe it was, since the Dauntless do seem to have a love for brutality. Whatever the hell he is, it's a deadly combination.

I take the train home. My job provides me with a car and an apartment that's far too large, even for a family of six. But I only use the car when we travel together, and we only use half of the apartment. I wasn't too keen on accepting either but after some thought Tris and I decided that a big space and easy transportation might be more convenient for the kids.

They each have their own room and even so we have three more to spare. It feels odd having more than we need, but it comes with the territory I suppose. It does have its benefits. Rae still gets to sleep in her old room at least once a week even though she has her own place now. Although, most times, she and the twins just share a bed. She can't stay away from her little brothers and sister for too long anyways.

* * *

I sigh softly as I walk down the hall and my front door comes into view. As I open it my heart melts.

"Daddy!"

Annabelle, all dressed in pink, rushes toward me with a wide grin and I pick her up. She's getting too big for this.

"Hi, baby girl." I kiss her on the cheek. "What are you up to?"

"Alex and I are doing homework," she says.

I love looking at her. She has my hair and my lips, but Tris' eyes. It's the perfect combination of us. I look over to see my son who looks so much smaller when he stands in front of the huge couch. His dark blue eyes and dark hair are all me. Once upon a time I hated those eyes. I had always associated those eyes with my father, with cruelty. But Alex has changed the meaning of those eyes entirely.

I walk over to him, setting Anna down beside the large Math textbook and pieces of paper that are spaced out in in front of the couch.

"Hey," I say, ruffling his hair.

"Hi, Dad."

Alex is a good kid. Quiet. His sister…

"Dad, you won't _belieeeeeve_ what happened today. Jessica, Lauren and I went to get muffins at break time and we ran into Kimberly and Becky. Kimberly isn't talking to Lauren or Amber because last week-"

"Who are all these people, Alex?" I sit on the couch and whisper into my son's ear, barely moving my lips, as my daughter keeps talking.

"Her friends," he whispers back.

"How many friends does she have?"

"Too many to keep track of." He scratches his nose as he whispers.

"Do _you_ have that many friends?"

He shakes his head just enough for me to see. "Just Dani."

"-and then Becky got mad. But it wasn't Amber's fault, and I _told_ her that," Annabelle concludes passionately.

"You did?" I ask with a voice of disbelief. I hope it's an appropriate question. I was lost for most of the story.

"Mhm," she nods. "And now they're talking again." A contagious smile catches her face.

"I'm proud of you, baby." I kiss her forehead.

"Thank you, daddy."

"Annabelle, did you ask your father how _his_ day was?" Tris comes walking out of the bedroom. Her hair is wet and it sticks on her cheeks and on her bare shoulders, covering the thin straps that hold up her top. Beautiful. Mine. She cut off her long hair just after the twins were born. I love it either way.

"Sorry daddy. How was _your_ day?"

"It was good, sweetheart," I answer, but my eyes don't move away from Tris. She pulls her hair behind her back, revealing the three ravens of her left collarbone and the five on her right. She crashes beside me on the couch and I pull her into me and press my face into her wet hair. I take in the sweet scent of Tris and cherry shampoo.

"I missed you today." I place a small kiss on her cheek. I miss her every day. I miss them all every day. Being on the council means less time than I'd like to have with my family.

"I missed you too, Tobias," Tris practically cries. "Keeping up with warrior princess here and Chris' fussing…" She presses her face into her hands and lets out a tired groan. I dig my fingers into her hair and massage her scalp the way I know she likes. She lets out a deep sigh and she lets herself fall deeper into me. I look up above her head and realize that the twins are staring at us.

"Are you ok, mom?" Annabelle says, gently placing her tiny hand on her mother's thigh. I can feel Tris' body shake as she chuckles into my chest. My baby girl has the unique power to exhaust you and bring you to life all at the same time.

Tris sits up as she says, "Yes I am," and tucks a loose hair behind Anna's ear. "You and your brother go take a shower and get ready for dinner."

"Yes mom." They close their books and take off. They're both obedient that way. "And hang up your dress," Tris shouts behind Anna.

My daughter has never stayed in her faction colours longer than she needs to. She seems to have an appetence for bright colours. "That girl is something else," I say. I pull Tris into my arms again, letting my fingers slip underneath her blouse. The skin of her stomach feels soft and cold. I want to kiss her there.

"She wants to go zip lining with her uncle Uriah for her eleventh birthday," Tris chuckles.

"You sure that kid's ours? She seems to be an adrenaline junky in the making."

"She just likes to have fun that's all," Tris says, yawning loudly into my chest. "Alex would die. He doesn't seem to like heights very much."

"Yeah, I can't imagine where he got _that_ from," I say with a smile. Tris laughs and I kiss her wet hair. I could stay like this all day.

"She wouldn't do it without him though. She says if Alex doesn't want to she'll settle for a bow and arrow."

I never celebrated a single birthday growing up in Abnegation, and here my ten year old daughter is asking for a bow and arrow, a weapon. "She's Dauntless," Tris continues. "But… she's never been unkind to her brother."

"Or to anyone for that matter," I add.

My wife sits up, resting her back on the couch and she asks, "You think she might be Divergent?" We've never really talked about it before since the kids were so young, but now their aptitudes are showing more and more every day.

"I'm sure she is," I say. "The Dauntless I get. But where'd the Amity come from?"

"It's all that bread I was eating when I was pregnant," Tris teases.

I know it was meant to be a joke, but it surfaces horrible memories. It's a reminder that I wasn't there, that I missed it all. My face sinks and so does hers. We never did find Charity.

"I'm sorry, Tobias." She grabs my hand and my face in an effort to comfort me. I know she never meant it to hurt me and I know it hurt her too just as much.

"It's ok," I say, touching my lips to hers. It's the past. And it's one of the reasons we decided to have another baby. "The meeting today was… eventful." I push myself up off the coach and pull Tris up with both arms.

"What happened?" She asks.

"They found some of Jeanine's old information. I don't know how. It should have all been destroyed in the explosion."

"How much information?"

I wrap my around her waist, leading her down the corridor that leads to Chris' bedroom. If he's not tucked on Tris' hip or running around the living room, since he's only just discovered the art of running, it's probably because he's asleep. He won't mind me waking him up though. At the end of every day, playing with my little blond boy and watching a fourteen teeth grin say, "hewo daddy," as he runs into my arms makes all the ugly things disappear.

"I don't know. I'll have to talk to Caleb tomorrow. See what he knows."

"You think this is it?" Tris gives me a worried glance.

"It could be. The council voted against taking action without reason to, but things might fall apart again soon."

"And the kids?"

Tris stops in the middle of the hallway and looks up at me with troubled eyes. I don't want her worrying about this. I've done my best to ensure that our children would be safe even if things transpired before they were old enough to defend themselves. I take her face between my palms and say, "They'll be safe. I'll go check out the factionless later this week." She nods. "Besides, I think I owe my mother a visit. You mind if I take the twins? She's been wanting to see them."

"No. Of course not. Just be careful."

"I will."

* * *

 **A/N: Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :) I hope the huge time jump didn't catch you by surprise!**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Short, informative chapter. And the last history chapter! :D**

* * *

 **13\. Visiting Evelyn**

 **TOBIAS**

We walk along the broken sidewalks in silence. The howling of the wind and the creaking of swinging stoplights that dangle precariously over the road fill the empty streets.

The twins know that every time we visit their grandmother we can't be seen or heard and we can't tell anyone. There are very few cars in the city, so although it would be faster and in some ways safer; it wouldn't be very wise to use it. We can't afford to be followed so I'd rather proceed with stealth than with speed. Even as we walk I listen for footsteps behind me.

Being caught visiting the factionless would definitely not be in my best interest.

I try and take the twins to see my mother at least once every other year, although I make an effort to make more regular visits alone or with Tris. She's only ever met Christian once, a month after he was born. I know it's not enough, but she understands the risks involved. So for now it will have to be.

I watch the dark, empty buildings and the old street signs, wondering what the city must have been like before the war that destroyed the world. Annabelle grips my hand tightly as the midnight darkness obscures our path. Her tiny fingers are slippery and her palm wet. She looks up at me and smiles, not a trace of fear in her eyes, but I know that she is afraid. She's just that brave, like her mother.

Alex walks to her right, enclosing her in a tight circle of protection between us. Somehow I think he knows that she's afraid of the dark. I smile whenever I think about how close they are. In the past ten years they've never fought. Never. The closest they've come was deciding who would eat the last piece of their birthday cake when they were six. They kept giving it back to each other. Luckily, Tris saved the day and told them that it was perfectly okay to cut it in half.

Sometimes I imagine what it would have been like to have had a sibling. Like my kids, or Tris and Caleb, or Zeke and Uriah. But if we would have had to have shared a father then I'm glad I didn't. I wouldn't wish Marcus on any child, any child in the world.

We get to the grimy alleyway that leads to the entrance. Annabelle plugs her nose with her fingers, but the scent is nowhere as grotesque as it used to be back when this alleyway was occupied with trash and vermin. The Abnegation do regular clean up around this area now. I can't help but wonder if Marcus knows that this is where his former wife resides. Though I doubt that he is capable of kind gestures; sincere ones at least.

I don't like bringing my children around here, but my mother refuses to move and I did promise her that I'd bring them to see her every once in a while. I could never repay her for saving Tris' life or theirs. Even after we returned to Dauntless my mother was a big help. Colic was a new phenomenon to Tris and I. I thought the twins were dying. I don't know how many times I ran back here in the middle of the night to ask her what to do.

We approach the old brick building and I force the steel door open as quietly as I can. We walk briskly and silently through the sleeping people packed in rolls of bedding on the floor and head down the hallway that leads to my mother's living space. I've tried to improve her living conditions as much as was in my power and as much as she'd allow me to. But there's only so much I can do. I've assured that she's never without food or warmth in the winter.

"Hi, Grandma!" Annabelle takes off with hurried feet to embrace her grandmother, but Alex keeps pace with me. He never gets too excited about anything. My boy is just like me in so many ways.

"Hi, Annabelle!" my mother says with a smile and open arms. "You are so tall!"

She is. They'll both be taller than Tris is in a couple years.

"Mhm," Anna nods as they collide. "I'm taller than Alex is, but my teacher, Mrs. Henders, says that's normal and that girls develop faster than boys do."

"Is that so?"

"Yes."

The passage of time and harsh living have both taken their toll on my mother. Her dark hair is now streaked with strands of grey, her olive skin slightly more wrinkled. But she's still strong, every bone in her body wrapped with lean muscle.

She passes more than half an hour conversing with her grandchildren, mostly Annabelle. Alexander isn't the talkative type. And then they run off to go talk to some factionless children who, for some reason, are still awake, leaving me and my mother to ourselves in the large room.

It's never easy sparking up conversation with her. Things are less awkward now, easier, but still complicated.

"I was expecting them to be a bit more…"

She hesitates, so I complete her sentence. "Spoilt?"

"Yes, actually," she says. "They're very privileged children. But I can see that's not the case."

"Whatever Tris did with those kids, it's amazing. She's spent a lot of time with them."

After the twins were born, Tris was unable to work since raising them both was a full time job and I was tied up with the council. We only got married when they were old enough to attend school so that we could have a proper honeymoon. After that Tris took a job as an ambassador of Dauntless to the Candor for three years until she became pregnant with Chris. Since the twins turned out so great we agreed that it was better for her to do the same thing with him too. She'll return to work when he's five. She doesn't have to, since I make enough to support us, but Tris has always enjoyed being up and about.

I take a look around the room and my face falls. I think about the way my family lives, and the way my mother lives, and it's unsettling.

"You don't have to live like this," I say to my mother as she pours me coffee into a cracked grey mug. She smiles as she empties and stirs three spoons of sugar into the steaming, dark liquid. She takes pride in knowing how I take my coffee for some reason. "There are plenty of much nicer abandoned houses in the city. It would be easy to prepare one for you."

"We've talked about this, Tobias." She places the small mug in my hand. It's warm against my fingers. "As their leader, I only think it's fair that I suffer as they suffer."

"And for exactly how much longer do you plan to occupy that position."

"As long as I can. And then Peter takes over for me."

Peter was unable to reintegrate himself into the faction system after the memory serum was released throughout the city and so my mother recruited him along with James. She has a way of making the factionless life sound extraordinarily appealing. For all intents and purposes, this lifestyle seems to suit him. He's still not pleasant but at least he isn't stabbing people in the eye anymore.

"You've changed, you know," my mother says as she circles around the counter and leans on it, crossing her legs at the ankles and sipping at her coffee. Her white blouse hangs loosely over her lean body and when she smiles she looks almost younger, softer. Not like the woman that I knew her to have become; hard and resentful after being slammed against walls, hit in her face and forced into exile.

"They've changed me," I say, smiling into my cup as I take a sip.

"Well, being a parent tends to do that to a person. Most people anyways." My mother chuckles and it sounds so strange and foreign that it makes me chuckle too. It reminds me of our days together before she fake died; when we'd do something nice together before Marcus came home. Small moments like these make me glad that I let Tris convince me to attempt at a relationship with her. She says I've changed, but so has she.

"I always knew you'd be better than your father was," she says to me.

"Did you?"

It wasn't until I met Tris that I realized that I could be better, but it wasn't until I held my son that I realized that I had to be.

"I saw the look in your eyes when you saw them for the first time… and I knew," she says. She leans off the counter and takes a seat beside me around the small table. "How's Rae?" she asks eventually.

"She's good. We have her training the initiates this year. She likes it."

The Dauntless are a faction of tradition, so despite my best efforts there are some things that I simply may never be able to change, directly at least. The rules of initiation being one of those things. However, indirectly, I can. With Rae in charge of training I can prevent things like initiates throwing themselves or attempting to throw other initiates into the chasm, or instructors forcing them to beat each other senseless or making them factionless for ridiculous reasons. Maybe in the long run we can breed a whole new generation of Dauntless. One that adheres to the values it was founded on. Just maybe.

"Tell her hi for me," she says. I nod.

My mother has an incredible amount of respect for Rae. After all, she did fight her way through several factionless guards, barge into this very room, hold my mother at gunpoint and threaten to set the building on fire if they didn't send help for Tris when the camp was attacked.

"Anyways, I have a feeling you didn't come here for small talk."

"What gave me away?" I ask.

"You're my son, Tobias." And there's a twinkle in her eyes when she says it.

I clear my throat. "The Erudite found some of Jeanine's information about the Divergent, how much of it I don't actually know. Victor wanted to act on it, but the council voted against it. I spoke to Caleb and he says that they do have some information but that the Erudite are holding true to the council's decision."

"And you believe him?"

"Caleb wouldn't lie to me."

"I'm not suggesting that he's lying to you, Tobias." Yes she is. "Is it possible that he just doesn't know?"

"That's unlikely," I say, shaking my head. "Caleb has been keeping an eye out for the past ten years and he has access to Erudite's most sensitive information."

"Hmm," she says, staring at her coffee. She raises her head and gives me an incredulous look. I don't trust people easily, but I do trust Caleb. We share a common end; take care of Tris.

"They're cooperating now, but the problem is I don't know for how much longer they will. Jeanine superseded the council, so will Victor," I say.

"So after ten years my son finally realizes that his mother was not being a complete fool."

"I never disagreed with your sentiments toward the system," I clarify. "It needs to go. What I wholly disagree with is the way you want to do this." Although I've already decided that if my family is in danger a hostile takeover is not the worst thing I can do.

"But you know it's the only way," she says smugly. "Or else you wouldn't be here."

"Look, I didn't come here to promise you a war. I just came to ask if the offer is still on the table. I'd like to keep my options open."

"Tobias," she says, the corners of her lips slowly creeping upward. "For as long as the factions stand, so does my offer. My men are ready when you are."

She has a smug look on her face, as if after all these years she's finally gotten what she's wanted. I hope and don't hope that I can give it to her. To be honest, I don't know what happens next. I guess only time will tell.

* * *

 **A/N: And that closes off our history lesson guys! :D Thank you all so much for being patient with me. I'm sorry it was so long. It started off as 9 chapters since a prologue wouldn't have done it justice… but it just kept evolving lol In any case,** _ **ALL**_ **of it is important.**

 **Everyone who has favourited or is following this story, and my guest readers, thank you all so much for your support! If you enjoyed the first segment of this story please let me know and leave a review below :)**

 **I am super excited about finally getting this story on the road! Hope you are too! :D**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: For those of you who celebrate Christmas I hope you had a very very merry one! :)  
I know I'm happy because we're finally here! :D The present day. The meat.  
Father and son take over the story from here. Things settle down for a bit but I promise they will pick back up again. It might seem like a whole new story but it will all come together. I promise. I do hope you enjoy!  
Everyone… meet Alex**

* * *

 **14\. Siblings**

 **SIX YEARS LATER (PRESENT DAY)**

Tobias is 35, Tris is 33, Rae is 24, Alex and Anna are 16, Christian is 8.

 **ALEX**

" _Pleeeease?!_ Be the Ying to my Yang, the peanut butter to my jelly, the lime to my coconut."

"No." And why am _I_ the lime?

"Come on, Alex. It's gonna be super fun! Why do you have to be _SO_ boring all the time?"

I suppose _that's_ why I'm the lime.

My sister paces back and forth on the roof, a little too close to the edge for my comfort. This is the worst place in the world to try and convince me to do anything. It's dark, it's cold, and it's _high_. Rooftop access is one of the many benefits of living in the Pire, although I'd hardly call it a 'benefit'.

"I'm not going." I cross my arms and stand rigid, levelling my breathing and hiding the sibling sensitivity that usually resides in my eyes, all in an attempt to make my response believable enough so she'll stop asking. It's harder than you could imagine. Annabelle can smell weakness.

She continues to make her case as she tries with all her might to get me to take her to Amity's pre-choosing party tomorrow night. It's a party that's held the week before the choosing ceremony, where we all get to get high on Amity bread and pretend that we won't be making the biggest decision of our lives in a few days. Most factions have their own party, except for the Abnegation of course, but Anna insists on going to Amity. I guess she can relate to them since Amity _is_ after all her second aptitude. Also because I can't imagine how boring the party at Erudite and Candor would be, and our father would drench himself in gasoline and light a match before letting my sister anywhere _near_ a Dauntless party.

"No," I say again, with an effortful attempt to sound harsh. She lets out a fierce grunt as she continues pacing as if making me dizzy will somehow make me change my mind.

I've never liked parties. Especially Dauntless parties, where there always seems to be a theme of nakedness, drunkenness and groping. It's the damn Abnegation in my blood that my parents passed on to me.

"Look, Anna," I say. "I know you really wanna go but I really don't want to. And you know dad will only consider letting you go if I go with you. And if you try and sneak off without permission he'll find out anyways and then he'll kill you. He'll probably kill me too even though I had nothing to do with it."

"Yeah, and I don't understand why. I'm not a child! I'm just as old as you are but he acts as if I'm eight years old and I need my _older_ brother protecting me everywhere I go." She practically spits out the word 'older' as if it leaves a bad taste in her mouth. "He doesn't even treat Chris that way!"

"Hey don't get mad at _me_." I raise my arms in surrender. "You think I enjoy getting punished for stuff that _you_ do? Like that time you got burnt after you _intentionally_ placed your hand on the oven to see how hot it was? I don't like it any more than you do."

But that's a lie. I've always felt responsible for my sister. I look out for my little brother too, but Christian is not half as adventurous _or_ as oblivious as Anna is, so he requires far less attention. Besides, it's different somehow. She may only be eight and a half minutes younger than I am but she's still my baby sister. Every time she gets hurt or gets herself in trouble it feels like a failure on my part. Not only because my dad gets on my case for it, but because I know he's right. We're supposed to be looking out for each other. It's what Rae did for us. It's what siblings are supposed to do. Plus there's the whole twin thing.

"Well then talk to him! Do something! Anything, I don't know." Her shoulders slump and she looks defeated as she finally stops pacing and stares out into the city. The lights look nice from up here.

"There's no need to rush, Anna. After initiation we'll be on our own and then we can just do whatever the hell we want. One more week won't kill you."

"I just really want to go to this party, Alex," she says as she turns to look at me with those eyes. She has our mother's eyes. Those blue grey eyes that remind me of open skies that I can't ever really say no to. I sigh heavily. Sometimes I don't know why I even bother to put up a fight.

"Fine," I say with evident reluctance. Anna grins immediately. "But I'm only going if dad says it's ok. If he says no, then you're on your own."

That's another lie. I'd probably sneak out right behind her. There's no way I'm letting her out of my sight. I've seen what certain boys do to young pretty girls who are too high on peace serum to stop them. My blood boils at the thought. I push it away before I decide to go hunting for every guy that's ever looked at my sister.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" she squeals, forcing me into a hug. I don't return it.

* * *

By the time my parents get home they both seem tired and hungry, and it doesn't look like a good time to ask for anything. Anna seems to realize that since she doesn't give me the _when are you gonna ask_ _them_ look every three seconds like she usually does.

" _Please_ tell me you kids made dinner." My mom stumbles inside first and looks at us with droopy eyes as she leans over the couch, too tired to stand up straight. Her blond hair tosses itself forward as she does. She closes her eyes as she says, "Of course you didn't," and her body lands beside me, head first, in the couch.

I suppose listening to the ugly, uncensored truth all day has taken its toll on her. I can barely stand the Candor on the rare occasion that I talk to one of them at school. I don't know how she deals with them on a daily basis.

"I'll do it!" Annabelle hops up out of her chair and happily volunteers to make dinner. More than likely in an attempt to sweeten up our parents before making her petition. She hates cooking.

"You'll do the dishes too? I'm feeling _super_ tired," I say with a wink, making use of her favourite word. I might as well make the most of this situation.

"Don't push it, Alex." My sister walks over to the kitchen, removing random items from the cabinet and the fridge. They land with a gentle thump as she sets them on the countertop.

My dad steps in a couple minutes later. He's having a heated conversation with Christian but stops in the middle of his sentence and dead in his tracks as he sees Annabelle smiling and cutting vegetables.

"No," he says in his deep, scary voice. He tenses and I chuckle a little. He can't say no to Anna either.

"Huh?"

"No. Whatever it is that you want. No."

Chris walks over to the couch and sits between me and our mother's exhausted body that's still very much tossed over it. It's a big couch. We've had it for as long as I could remember. It's starting to get holes in it now but my parents refuse to get rid of it.

"Why do you assume that I want something?" Anna says. "Because I'm cooking? Can't I just cook cause I want to? Cause I love my parents? And you're both _obviously_ tired right now?"

My mom laughs wryly into the couch. I didn't even realize she was still awake. I was sure she would have fallen asleep by now. "Anna's cooking because she wants to," mom chuckles. "That's unheard of."

"Well?" My dad looks at her, still standing rigidly in that same spot, patiently waiting to hear his teenage daughter's demands.

"Well… Alex and I would like to go to this party tomorrow night. It's gonna be at Amity so it'll be pretty safe and-" but before she can finish her sentence he interrupts.

"You mean _you_ want to go to a party at Amity tomorrow night, and you're taking your brother with you to chaperone."

My father is well aware of my dislike for parties.

"I just don't understand why I can't go by myself, dad. I'm not a baby." Ironically enough, she's careful to use her sing-songy baby voice to make her case. My dad can be quite intimidating when he's outside the confines of our home. But we all know he's a big softy when it comes to his family; especially Annabelle.

"I don't see why not, Tobias," my mom adds as she sits herself up in the couch, pulling Christian into her. "They're both sixteen, and after next week we'll have no idea what they're up to anyways." She smiles apologetically at him but he doesn't smile back.

He looks deep in thought for a couple seconds but then his feet become unglued and he walks over to Anna and takes her in his arms and says, "I know you're not a baby, Anna," his voice deep, vulnerable. "And that's exactly why I'm not too comfortable with you wanting to go to parties all the time. I know you just wanna have fun, but not everyone's intentions are as innocent as yours. And neither am I comfortable with sixteen year old boys' version of fun."

Anna presses her head into his shoulder. She's taller than most girls her age.

"Why can't you just go shopping with your friends later?" my father says. "Stay inside the compound. I'll happily give you credits for that."

Imagine that. She gets paid to stay out of trouble.

"You know why, dad," she whimpers. "Everything's black!"

My mom smiles, probably at Annabelle, or maybe she's thinking about her own shopping adventures with my aunt Christina. I'll never understand the joy that women get in buying stuff.

Dad releases Anna from his embrace and turns to me. I don't hold my breath. I already know what's coming.

"Alex, you're responsible for her."

"Yes!" she squeals loudly.

"I wouldn't have it any other way, dad." I answer looking a bit annoyed, but he knows I'm not. Looking into his eyes I can see the worry there. I know that he doesn't like the idea of his little girl going to a party any more than I like the idea of guys looking at my sister like she's the last piece of Dauntless cake. I'm sure he can read my eyes the same way I can read his.

I've realized over time that my dad and I aren't that different. Maybe he realizes it too and that's why he expects so much of me. He thinks I'm as strong as he is. I hope he's right. All I ever want is for my father to be proud of me. But I guess that's what any son would want.

* * *

Dinner passed by quickly. We talked through most of the meal as we usually do when Annabelle cooks, jumping from topic to topic, leaving her no air whatsoever to ask what we think of our meal.

Rae missed dinner tonight, and the gurgling colic in my stomach that is making me toss and turn in bed, constantly waking me up as I try to sleep, makes me envy her. But I smile through the discomfort and the knowledge of imminent diarrhea. There is not a thing in the world that could make me lament my twin sister, her cooking, or anything that she does. Not a thing in the world.

* * *

 **A/N: Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! Hope you guys like Alex :)**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Thank you** _ **so much**_ **to my unidentifiable guest reader (assuming it's the same person lol), Icefire15, Damn you Kylie, 4Gracedivergent, velosewer and Potterhead n divergent! :) You guys keep reviewing along the way and it means so much to me! I love hearing what you think about the story and the characters as it all evolves, and it makes finishing up the next chapter so much easier. Much love!  
I hope you enjoy this chapter also! :)**

* * *

 **15\. The Party**

 **ALEX**

"It's party time!"

My best friend Daniel barges through the front door as if he lives here. He might as well. He's spent so many nights on our couch that I still don't understand why my parents haven't given him a room yet. Probably because then he'd _never_ go home.

He calms down as soon as he realizes that they're both looking at him from the kitchen counter with concerned faces and raised eyebrows.

"Uncle Four. Aunt Tris," he says, bobbing his head.

"Hey, Dani. I didn't know you were going to the party tonight," my mother says. She bites her bottom lip and smiles a little. She's probably trying to figure out if that's a good thing or not. Daniel has a reputation for being quite the life of the party. A lot like his dad is. As if he reads her mind he answers her concern.

"Don't worry, Aunt Tris. Tonight's a special night. It's the last party I get to spend with my best friend before he's a full-fledged member of Dauntless." He says the word Dauntless with quite the dramatic flair and his hands thrown up in the air. "I'll be on my best behaviour."

"You'd better be," my dad says in his instructor voice. He doesn't train initiates anymore but he's still very much intimidating. Especially when he uses 'the voice'. Dani has seen softer sides of my father, but he knows better than to take him lightly.

"Yes, Uncle Four."

It didn't take much to convince him to come at all. It is fascinating that his parents allow him to do just about whatever he wants. But I guess that's the difference when your parents are Dauntless born as opposed to Abnegation born. They don't worry about their kids falling off a train or over the chasm after a night of drinking, or getting too many tattoos or piercings, whereas my parents are anal about the slightest things. It doesn't really bother me though. I'm not really into those things anyway. Sometimes it makes me feel so out of place in my faction.

Just then, Annabelle walks out in a thin, not too tight- _thank_ _God_ , black dress that reaches just above her knees, her brown hair accentuated with strategically placed strips of blond, stopping at a loop just beneath her bare shoulders. She rushes to give our parents a kiss on the check before making a break for the door. Probably trying to get out of their line of sight before they see how much make up she's wearing and change their minds about sending her anywhere.

"We'll be back soon!" she yells as she's halfway out the door dragging Daniel along with her.

"I guess that's my cue," I say softly, staring at my shoes. I'm obviously the person least excited about this party, asides from my dad of course. He gives me a tiny grin as he shakes his head.

"You guys just be careful ok?" he says.

I nod in agreement, heading out the door before I change my mind.

* * *

For the entire train ride I'm forced to listen to Daniel as he explains to Anna the different kinds of high that he has experienced in his short lifetime. He's a year younger than I am, yet he's done far more things than I have. We're so different sometimes, Dani and I, but we grew up together since our fathers are like brothers. He became _my_ brother. For all intents and purposes I enjoy his daredeviltry. I'd like to think I'm living vicariously through him.

He compares Marijuana, Alcohol, peace serum and strangely enough, love. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this conversation. Anna seems to be enjoying it though. Her laughter fills up every corner of the dark train car.

"Love? What's love got to do with anything?" she blurts out with a huge grin on her face. I'm almost sure I've heard that in a song somewhere.

Eventually I get into the conversation, and as I listen to my fifteen year old best friend recount to my twin sister his experiences with being high on love, I can't help but smile. I've never been in love. I hear it's beautiful, and looking at my parents I'm sure it is, but I'm not sure I ever want to be.

I've seen the way my dad loses it when my mom's in trouble. I've seen the way he's transitioned from smooth and controlled to fierce and downright homicidal when someone messes with her. No one in Dauntless is crazy enough to look at her too hard or speak to her in the wrong tone of voice, although sometimes it's to her own credit. My mother can be intimidating all on her own without her scary husband standing beside her.

I've also seen my father broken. I've seen the look on his face when they fight or when she's sick. It's as if his entire world has fallen apart. I'm not sure I'm willing to give someone that much control over me, and neither do I like the idea of being vulnerable. I never have.

"Alex! Come on we've gotta jump!" My thoughts are interrupted as Annabelle pulls at my arm as she shouts above the noise of the train, "We're here!"

It's dark but I can still see the high fence that encloses the city. Sometimes I wonder what's out there. Amity used to be out there, but they moved the residential area inside the fence since children kept straying, and outside was reserved for farming only. They farm inside the fence too, but on a smaller scale.

We walk along the orchards without a clue as to where we're going. Strangely enough, there was no one else on the train with us. I'm only realising that now as I look around and grasp that no one else has jumped off. I knew that most of the other Dauntless would rather go to their own party. There's nothing the Dauntless hate more than cheerful Amity babble. But I at least expected a few along with some Erudite.

The Candor aren't warmly welcomed here. Their callous honesty is not appreciated by the Amity who would lie their mother to her grave to prevent a stir up.

"Are you sure there's a party out here? Usually I can smell a party from miles away. And right now my party radar's coming up blank," Daniel says, scratching his head. He has an innate sense to either find a party or to make one. I think having a whole bunch of unnecessary fun is in his genes.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Listen. There's music nearby," Anna points out. Its faint, but I hear it. "Come on guys. This way," I say as I lead them toward the music and dim light.

As we get closer I realize that either the party hasn't begun yet, or it's already ended. We come up to a large, white, two storey wooden house with what appears to be the light from a disco ball reflecting on the windows and on the porch where people are either sitting down or leaning against the wall, probably already too stoned to stand up. They all seem to be dressed in shades of red, orange and yellow.

It's official. No one else but the Amity came to this party. But that's not the strangest thing about this scene. Usually the Amity are dancing and cheering, all happy go lucky. These people almost look depressed.

"No wonder my party radar came up with nothing. This party blows, man." Daniel twists his face as if he smells something putrid.

"And we came all the way out here. For this," Anna says, clawing at her face and releasing a grunt that's almost scary.

"Hey, calm down princess Anna. I got this. You don't worry your pretty little head."

I've always appreciated Daniel's efforts to make my sister laugh or have a good time. Though I've always wondered if he likes her. God, I hope not. That would be weird.

"What are you gonna do exactly? This place looks hopeless," she says. I don't know why she's even asking. If there's anyone who can resurrect a dead party, it's one of the Pedrad boys.

I watch him as he storms inside as if he lives there. The same way he so comfortably storms into our house. It's actually an apartment but it's so big that it might as well be a house.

Daniel walks past all the confused pairs of eyeballs that are now staring at him. But that's all they do, stare. No one tries to stop him. Probably cause he's a lot more muscular than he should be at fifteen. One of the perks of being Dauntless trained since the age of twelve I guess. His dad is as paranoid as mine is.

Anna covers her mouth and chuckles softly. "What do you think he's gonna do?" she asks me.

Before I can answer I hear a sudden loud burst of music. It's not even the same music that was playing before, and someone has turned off the lights inside the house which is now only being lit by the colours of the disco ball and the moonlight. We hear a commotion and everyone comes to life, rushing inside to see what's happening. Anna and I follow closely behind, trying to push past the now cheering crowd. Which ridiculous tactic did Daniel resort to this time?

Not to my surprise, I see that Daniel has pushed aside all the furniture and is now strip dancing in the middle of a stranger's living room. He pulls off his shirt and the wild, high-pitched screeching of the girls standing beside me pierces my eardrums. He beckons me to join him although he knows I'm not nearly as crazy enough to take my shirt off in front of a bunch of screaming Amity girls. Or in front of anyone for that matter.

I've never particularly enjoyed showing off my body, although Anna says I've been described as 'hot' by several of her friends. If 'hot' means hooked nose and ears that stick out too far then yeah, I'm incredibly hot. I'm as hot as they come.

Before I know it, Daniel has pulled my sister into the ring and at first she's shy, but we all know she wants to dance. Eventually she lets the music take her over, and I smile as I watch her let loose, her hair whipping back and forth as she moves. Anna has always been a free spirit. Like a bird, she refuses to stay put for too long. She cannot be caged.

It doesn't take more than two minutes for the others to join them, or more than ten minutes for someone to bring in a fresh batch of bread and several cases of beer.

I figure Anna's ok as long as she keeps dancing with Daniel, but still I keep an eye on her from the distance as I lean up on the wooden wall behind me, occasionally hearing her sing along- badly at that, as the music plays or scream out for no reason other than the fact that she's having a good time.

I let my eyes wander for a minute. Suddenly I'm reminded that we're the only ones here dressed in black. Maybe that's not such a bad thing after all. I'm actually having fun just standing by this wall, not having to peel the occasional asshole off my sister since the Amity boys aren't as bold _or_ as stupid as the Dauntless.

I'm about to refocus my eyes on Anna when I see _her_. She's standing in the doorway with just about the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. She leans on the doorpost, resting her head there. Her hair is the colour of rubies, so rich that I'm sure it must draw attention to her until she's uncomfortable, and it falls in beautiful loose spirals over her shoulders. She's wearing an orange floral dress that fits her body perfectly. Not tight enough to constrict her, but not so loose that you can't see how wonderfully she is formed. I can't help but stare.

I'm brought back to reality by a screaming Daniel, "Dude! I swear if you stare at her any longer your eyeballs will fall out!" I barely manage to hear him over the extremely loud music.

"Well, go talk to her!" He shouts, shooing me off.

My ears decide to disregard him, but there's something magnetic about her and my legs are made of iron. I take a step toward her. I don't even realize, until I'm standing right in front of her, that I may have taken more than just one step.

"Hi," I manage to say with a far too desperate smile. "I'm Alex." It almost sounds like a whimper. How is it that I can nonchalantly take on five guys in a fight, but she makes me nervous to the point of stupidity?

Her expression is unreadable at first, but she holds my gaze and smiles a couple seconds later. "Hi Alex," she says in a light, soothing voice. It's like she's singing. "I'm Abby."

And I just stand there with my mouth open. I lose my words. I guess I never thought that I'd make it this far. I didn't really think this through. In fact, I don't remember thinking at all.

* * *

 **A/N: Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Hey guys :) Glad you're all liking Alex so far! There's more to him than he's letting on right now so stay tuned. And we'll be hearing from Tobias in a few.  
I won't tell you what happens Damn You Kylie, you will just have to keep reading ;) lol  
** _ **  
Important note:**_ **I will be changing the title of this fic to** **Divergent Love Stories** **. It's been tugging at me since chapter 4 and I don't think I can resist it anymore. It's more fitting since there is actually more than one love story taking place here, although the rest will come into mention later on. And… I think it sounds cooler. What do you guys think? If you don't like it let me know and I'll leave it as it is if enough of you say so!  
Anyways, please enjoy this chapter! :)**

* * *

 **16\. Abigail**

 **ALEX**

"Um… Great party," I say, trying not to speak any louder than I need to. She leans up off the doorpost to stand up straight, but she's still small.

"Yeah, your friend sure knows how to get a party started." She giggles and it wakes up every cell in my body. But wait, how did she know that? She wasn't here when we got here. I would have seen her.

"You… saw that?" I ask, not sure of how to phrase the question. I'd rather not ask her if she was here when we got here. I don't want her to think that she wasn't noticed. Although I'm sure she knows how beautiful she is. She could steal the attention of everyone in this room in a mere second if she wanted to.

"No, I didn't actually," she says. I knew it. "When I got here I heard that some guy from Dauntless started stripping in the middle of the living room and everything just kinda got crazy from there," she says with a smile. "You still have your clothes on, and you're the only other guy here dressed in black. So I figure he's your friend. Am I right?"

As she speaks, the lights from the disco ball shine across the milky skin of her face, and the flowers imprinted on her dress appear to have come alive. All of me is tuned in to her at this point; absorbing her, and I'm so caught up in the sight in front of me that it takes me about twenty seconds to realize that I still haven't answered her question.

"Yeah!" I shout a little too eagerly. "Um… that's my best friend Daniel."

"His girlfriend's pretty." She leans back into the post. It takes me a while to grasp that she must be talking about Anna.

"Oh no, that's not his girlfriend," I say, and for some reason she frowns at my words. I wonder if she thinks that Anna's _my_ girlfriend. I don't leave room for assumptions. "That's my sister Annabelle."

"Oh." Her red lips left pursed as she forms the word. A small sigh of what I can only hope to be relief escapes them. I realize I'm staring at them.

I force my eyes upward, trying to not look like a complete moron, but then my words don't work. I want to talk to her but upon opening my mouth my mind goes blank and for some reason my palms are sweating. "It's really loud in here," I manage to say finally.

 _Wow, Alex. Wow._

"Yeah it is," she says. I guess she doesn't have much to say either. Or maybe I'm acting so ridiculous that now she thinks I'm a lip staring freak and she doesn't want to talk to me. This is awkward.

But then to my sweet surprise she asks, "You want to go outside? We could take a walk."

"Sure." I answer casually but I feel like there are a million monkeys doing summersaults in my stomach.

We head out the door, away from the loud music, and soon enough we find ourselves walking between the moon-lit orchards, it's almost romantic. We keep giving each other small glances and smiling but nobody's talking. We're walking so close that I can sense every swing of her arm beside mine and it makes the hair on them stand up.

She stops to lean her back against a large tree. How close should I stand to her?

"So… Dauntless huh?" Her hands are behind her back as she slowly crosses her legs. Her voice is light and it flows like a soothing melody.

"Yeah," I say, taking a step forward.

"I've never seen you here before. And you don't seem to be enjoying the party much."

"Well... I'm more of a stay at home kinda guy." That's a _very_ lame thing to admit.

"So what're you doing here then, Alex?" She speaks softly, but we're close enough that I can hear every word, and I can feel her sweet breath against my face. I didn't take just one step, did I?

"I'm here with my sister." I gulp. "I need to make sure she gets home alive." I try to speak as casually as possible but I sound constipated and my heart is pounding, and I'm sure that my body is pulsating to the rhythm.

"Are you always this funny?" she laughs. It's a beautiful laugh. It makes me relax a little. A lot.

"Funny? I've been called an ass. Never funny."

"Well, I think you're funny… and sweet if you only came here for your sister."

"It's nothing. It's what big brothers do." I smile gently at her and she blushes. I wonder if her heart is racing too. If it is, she hides it well. She's confident. A girl this beautiful _has_ to be. I lean to the side and rest my shoulder beside her on the bark of the tree. Her eyes follow me. They're a beautiful shade of brown– hazel. She reminds me of autumn.

"So Abby… is that short for Abigail?"

"Yes," she says. That's a very beautiful name. I think I'm in love with it. "So you're choosing this year, Abby?" I ask.

She shakes her head. "I missed it by eight days." She holds up eight fingers in the air. I look straight past them and I stare a little too long at the way her smile pushes her cheeks closer to her eyes.

"Maybe it's for the better," I say. "Maybe something amazing is supposed to happen this year. Maybe you wouldn't make the same choice then than you would in a week and eight days."

Her face becomes serious and she says, "Sounds like you believe in destiny."

"I believe that there are some things in this world that are too magical to be a coincidence. Almost like there's some unseen force driving it to where it's supposed to be."

I didn't even know that I believed that until I said it just now.

"Even the bad things?" she asks quietly and with sincere eyes.

"Maybe the bad things just mean that the journey isn't over yet."

"I hope so," she says, and her eyes look thoughtful. A lot more thoughtful than I'd expect from the Amity. The only emotion they seem to be able to show is happiness.

She catches herself and her expression lightens. There's more to her than she's letting on. I wonder if she's like me. Feeling stifled by the reigns of our factions. Whatever she's hiding I want to see it. I want to see all of it.

"What's your story?" I ask, pushing myself up off the tree, having suddenly been hit by a wave of confidence.

"My story?" she mutters, and I notice her lips again. They're full, inviting.

"Yeah," I whisper.

She turns to face me but her head sinks and she begins to tug at the hem of her dress. "Does it matter?" she asks. I don't know what to make of her answer but I know how I feel about it. I gently lift her chin and graze my thumb across her cheek before I realize that I had decided to do so.

"It does," I reply.

And she begins to tell me random things about herself, but nothing too personal. It'll have to do for now. We talk for hours before I realize how much time has passed. I only remember the task my father gave me when I look at my watch and it reads 12:49 am.

"Shit!" I shriek. "I need to go find my sister. The last train leaves soon."

"Will I ever see you again, Alex?" It's dark, but I can still see the hazel shimmer in her eyes and the sincerity in them. She really _does_ want to see me again. And I her.

"Of course, I'd love to see you again," I say, all efforts of trying to seem casual or not desperate forgotten.

She leans up and forward and I'm about to explode as she kisses me slowly on the cheek, her face lingering over my shoulder. The moment feels so right and I close my eyes. For some reason I want to kiss her. I feel myself drawn in a way I never thought possible to a girl that I only met a couple of hours ago.

By the time I open my eyes she has pulled away and she's smiling. Blood rushes to my cheeks as I realize that I don't know how long I was standing there with my eyes closed. I keep a straight face, trying to hide my embarrassment. I fail.

"You seem frightened," she says, looking at me with concerned eyes and a slight smile.

"I might be," I say quietly.

She giggles and says, "You're not like the other Dauntless boys who pass through here."

As she speaks, the full moon hits her skin making her almost glitter. I want to ask her just how many Dauntless boys has she brought out here but instead I say, "And you're beautiful." The words escape my lips before I even have time to think about them. What is it about this girl that makes my body react without my brain's permission?

She stands there facing me with intensity in her eyes, and they're screaming something but I have no idea what. Before either of us can say or do anything I hear Daniel shouting my name from somewhere behind me.

"I guess they're looking for me. I'd better go." God knows I don't want to. I just want to stand here and look at her.

"There you are, man! I thought you had been kidnapped or… oh" Daniel stops in his tracks when he sees that I'm not alone. "Sorry man, but we gotta go. We're gonna miss the train and your dad's gonna flip if Anna doesn't get home soon."

"Yeah... I'm coming. I'll meet you guys by the tracks." I speak but I don't turn to look at him. I can't seem to move my eyes away from hers. I only hear the rustling of grass as Dani takes off.

"I'll be standing right here, in this very spot, tonight at ten," she says. I'm a little confused at first then I remember that we talked all the way into another day.

"I'll be here," I say.

I lean down and place a small kiss on her forehead and she stretches her hand to my face. I get goose bumps when her skin touches mine and I think my heart skips a beat.

"Tonight," I whisper when I finally pull away. I somehow find the strength to move my legs and speed off to the train tracks. If I look back I know I might change my mind so I just keep running.

* * *

"Well it's about time!" Daniel shouts over the screeching noise of the moving train.

"What do you mean?" I say, still trying to catch my breath. "I was only a couple of minutes behind you guys."

"Not _that_. You! Talking to a _girl_. And a very pretty one at that." Daniel winks at me as he walks over to me.

"Oh my God, what? How stoned _was_ she?" Annabelle shouts from the middle of the barely lit train car with a huge smirk on her face, grabbing on to the side rail a little harder than she needs to. Of course she's half drunk. "Or are the Amity girls really just that nice that they'll talk to _anyone_?"

"Yeah, you would know!" I shout back. She sticks her tongue out at me playfully.

"Princess Anna, I will have you know that my friend here is quite the stud."

I can't seem to wipe the huge grin off my face as I think about her. I don't quite hear what Dani says but he seems to take credit for the obvious expression of content. "Aaww. Don't blush man. It's true. You're hot." He places his hand on my shoulder and looks at me thoughtfully.

"Thanks man," I say trying to keep a straight face as Dani leans closer to my face, examining it for some reason.

Anna laughs loudly at the scene. "You two are idiots."

"Is that lipstick on your cheek?"

* * *

The rest of the ride is pretty quiet. I was actually expecting to be bombarded with more questions. I do appreciate the silence though.

That night I dream of her. I dream that I watch her as she dances through the orchards, placing fruit in a tiny woven basket. She kisses me and I pull her into the grass, the basket of fruit emptied on the ground. It's a beautiful dream. And it _is_ just a dream. For now, at least.

* * *

 **A/N: Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :) And the name change too!**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY! My first post of 2017 :) The year of Ascendant. And Thanks for all the feedback on the last chapter guys! :)**

 **Important note: When I post the next chapter (18) I will be changing the title of this fic to** **Divergent Love Stories** **so look out for it ok? Please enjoy this chapter despite its length! Or lack thereof… I'm so sorry this is a short one.**

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 **17\. Aftermath**

 **ALEX**

"That bowl of cereal looks mighty interesting."

I jump when Annabelle interrupts my daydream, snatching me from the Amity orchards and dumping me back at the kitchen table. For some reason she's always there when I get lost inside my head. I'm not safe even there. Chris told me to be careful what I think about because once he read an article about twins who were able to read each other's minds. I know he only said it to mess with me, but sometimes Annabelle makes me wonder. I'm sure she can't read my mind or she would have killed me already. But somehow she always knows when there's something going on in there. Or maybe I'm just that transparent.

"Yeah, it is," I say, slowly nodding my head. "You ever notice how the colours swirl together? It's pretty." I look up at her with a serious face, trying not to laugh.

"Yeah, it's super gorgeous," she says sarcastically and we both chuckle. Then she's quiet for a while, giving me the occasional glance, but I know she won't stop digging until I tell her what's up. If not now, then on the train ride home from school.

I almost regret neglecting my breakfast when I scoop up a spoon of cereal and I realise that more than half of it has dissipated into the milk. What's left of the colourful loops falls off the spoon in soggy lumps. I'm not even sure I want to eat this anymore. Somehow we always end up eating cereal when it's Annabelle's turn to make breakfast.

"What is up with you lately?" She asks finally, propping up her left elbow on the table and leaning her face into her palm.

What is up with me is that I can't stop thinking about Abigail. I've been seeing her every night for the past five days. I can't stop going back there. She stands in front of me and I find myself completely captivated by her. She laughs and it's the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. I think I've been enchanted.

But instead I say, "Nothing," and I continue to play with the broken pieces of cereal left in my bowl of milk. I especially like the red ones. It might be my new favourite colour. I've never seen hair so red before. Not naturally at least. It's beautiful. Just beautiful–

"Where do you go when you disappear?"

I jump again and my spoon falls, clattering on the kitchen table. "You really need to stop doing that," I protest.

"You really need to answer my question."

Annabelle doesn't force people to talk about things that they obviously don't want to talk about. I'm the only person she does this to. I do not feel flattered, at all.

"Disappear in a figurative sense or a literal sense?" I ask teasingly.

"Literal," she says as she chews on her last spoonful of cereal. I was hoping she hadn't noticed that I've been going out and coming home a lot later than usual. But of course she did.

"To shoot," I reply. It's not a complete lie. I do go to shoot for about five minutes and then I 'borrow' the gun and head out to the fence, pretending that I belong out there. The Amity don't know better and the Dauntless guards only need to know one thing. I am Alexander Eaton, son of Tobias 'Four' Eaton. I am not to be interfered with.

"You're lying," she says flatly. "I went to the range. You weren't there. And your aim is already perfect." It is.

"Fine. I was practising for the test tomorrow."

"It's not that difficult, doofus." She rolls her eyes. "You grab the gun and you shoot the dog." Annabelle gets up from the table, taking her empty bowl with her. Soon after I hear the sound of running water and clattering dishes as she washes them.

She's wearing a sleeveless baby blue shirt and the corners of the tattoo on her left shoulder peek out. I have the same one, but on the left side of my chest. We got it for our fifteenth birthday. She had to literally beg our parents to let us do it. They only agreed because I wanted to. Celebrating our birthday is usually complicated because it's always hard finding something that we both want to do. Anna tends to want to do things that could possibly end in injury or death. As for me, I'm good with dinner.

"Whatever you're up to, I'll find out," she yells from the sink.

"You better change that blouse," I yell back. "We're leaving soon."

"Yeah, yeah," she says mockingly. "I'll just wear a black jacket over it."

"Whatever floats your boat, faction traitor."

I give up on my breakfast and I pour what's left of it down the sink before I place the glass bowl into the wash water. I smile at my sister as she glances at me knowingly. It's an idle smile. I know that this is eating her up and I am thoroughly enjoying it while I still can. I'll tell her eventually. I don't usually keep secrets from my sister. But I think I'll hold on to this one a little bit longer, or until she tries to beat it out of me.

Abby is _my_ secret. My beautiful, red haired secret. Mine.

* * *

 **A/N: To all the people checking out this story, please feel free to review, follow and favourite!**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: As usual, thank you guys so much for your support! A special thank you to Paula'08! I had the BEST day yesterday because of your reviews. Thank you** _ **so**_ **much :D  
Please do enjoy this chapter everybody!**

* * *

 **18\. Forsake me not**

 **TOBIAS**

I sit at the table miserably. I can't say I've been looking forward to today. I'm not worried about their aptitude test. Whether they get Tori or not, I've taught them the same way Marcus taught me to hide their divergence. They'll be fine. Something else is troubling me and I can't quite put my finger on it. Or maybe I'm just reluctant to, because then that makes it real.

"Something's bothering you, Dad."

I look at my youngest whose round, green eyes are staring up at me intently. He gets to stay home today since his teacher is one of those administering the aptitude test. Since I woke up in such a sour mood and I absolutely loathe my job, I volunteered to watch him. Chris has a tendency to brighten my day. He is every bit like his mother.

"What makes you say that?" I ask him.

"Well, it's pretty obvious," he says. "It's almost five o clock and you haven't showered for the day, you've been sitting at this table for three hours yet you haven't touched your lunch, and I'm pretty sure you didn't have breakfast."

 _Is it really five o clock already?_ I think, glancing at my watch. Alex and Anna should have been back by now.

"And you look like C.R.A.P.," Chris adds.

"Hey," I say sternly. "Language."

"Sorry daddy," he says with a smile.

It's so hard to get upset with Christian. He's very opinionated but never rude or disobedient, and more than anything he's a ten on the cute scale. That smile of his is as medicinal to my broken soul as it was when he was only two years old. He walks over to the closest chair, pushing it in my direction. I chuckle. We're about to have a session. He climbs up and stares at me and when he does it becomes exceedingly more difficult to tame the smile that's tugging at my lips.

"So?" he asks. "What is it?"

"I don't know," I lie.

"Do you think it has anything to do with the twins' test?"

"You know Anna hates it when people call them that." I look at him seriously but he laughs.

"She's not here right now. And saying 'the twins' is a lot shorter than saying Alex and Anna. And even if she hears _that_ she'll want to know why her name always goes last, although I've explained it to her a thousand times."

Anna has always strived for her individuality from her twin brother. And she refuses to accept that her name ending with an A means that it goes last since saying Anna and Alex just doesn't glide quite as easily off the tongue.

"But this isn't about Anna," he continues. "This is about you." He looks at me more seriously now. I'm not sure what to say to him. Finally he says, "It's ok, dad. We're in our safe place, remember?"

"Yeah we are," I say, looking deep into his eyes.

There are some things that Tris and I still haven't told our children, but we _have_ told them that they are different, and with the passage of time they have come to see it all on their own. They know that the way they think is not accepted outside of these walls, but in this house they are free to be who they are and say what they mean without being afraid. Although my innate paranoia makes me hunt for hidden cameras every other week.

I'm glad my son sees our home as a safe place to be. Growing up, home was the last place I ever wanted to be.

"So? What's wrong?" He asks again.

Why exactly am I miserable? I think for a while but I don't need to think about it for too long. Tomorrow is the day that two of the most important people in my life must decide whether or not they want to come home.

"I'm scared that nothing will be the same anymore," I admit. "One or both of them could transfer and we could never see them again."

Christian's face falls and he nods. "Even if they _don't_ transfer, they won't be living here anymore," he says, glancing down the hall where their bedrooms are. "Dinner won't be the same anymore," he says quietly, and I feel selfish for not realizing that he would miss them just as much as I would, and he's probably been worried about this just as long as I have.

"We have the best dinners, don't we?" I ask with a smile, trying to undo his frown. I might even say that it's my favourite part of the day.

"I've got an idea!" Chris jumps excitedly off his chair and tugs at my hand, fervently pulling me into the kitchen. "We're gonna make tonight's dinner the best ever! They'd be _crazy_ to leave."

I laugh loudly at his enthusiasm, but I take to the idea. Except for the fact that neither of us knows how to cook a spectacular dinner. Christian's kitchen duty is limited to washing the dishes, and my cooking skills, while perfect for the Abnegation, is barely average for my Dauntless born children.

I hear the doorknob turn and the answer to our problem walks right in. Tris, radiant as she always is. "Hey boys," she says, smiling at the sight of us both. Rae walks in right behind her and groans a quick, tired greeting before diverting straight to the living room.

"Mom!" Chris yells excitedly, his blond head bobbing as he runs toward her and pulls her into the kitchen. "Dad and I are gonna make dinner for Alex and Anna. You should help us." His face is pleading, as if his mother could ever say no to him. Tris looks up at me and laughs. It's a light, beautiful laugh.

"Should I?" She wraps her arms around me and leans up to kiss me. I pull her into me, savouring the warmth of her, the taste of her. I'll never say no to these lips.

"Please do! I have to eat that!" Rae shouts from across the couch that she's already thrown herself into.

"Go home, Rae!" I say jokingly, still holding my wife against my chest.

"I will!" she yells back. "Right after you feed me!"

* * *

We make something that I believe is related to pasta. Christian gives me all the credit, so I can only assume that the food tastes horrible. It doesn't seem that way though. Everyone's digging in and talking rubbish. I'm not surprised that they're not talking about the test since I've made them take it at least twice during the past year. Nope. They're talking about chickens, weird tattoos and some guy named Bone.

The night before my own choosing ceremony, before I bled on the coals and spat on Marcus' pride, we had dinner too. It wasn't nearly as well lit nor was it as dynamic. Tris seems to be thinking the same thing. She interrupts their apparently never ending conversation.

"You know," she says, "Growing up in Abnegation, I couldn't talk this much at the dinner table." Her smile tells me that she's as amused as I am at just how different our family is in comparison to the ones we grew up in. But just like me, she doesn't mind one bit.

To my surprise it's Chris who answers her. "I think the Abnegation are wrong," he says. "There's nothing selfish about sharing your personal thoughts with other people. I think true selflessness is being willing to listen even when you don't wanna, or even when you have a lot to say too." Tris' head jerks upward, her mouth falling open a little. Chris has stolen his mother's attention and mine too. Those are very liberal opinions. Very Divergent ones. "It's probably why they're the smallest faction." He shrugs. "Nobody wants to live like that."

No, son. They're the smallest faction because almost seventeen years ago, they were slaughtered.

"Don't worry, mom," he adds sweetly, chewing on his meal, "I won't say anything like that while not in the safety of this house."

Tris' facial expression tells me that she's not sure if she should be amazed or afraid of our son's thought process. I'm not too sure either.

"Just how old _are_ you?" Rae asks him as she stifles a laugh.

Chris reminds me so much of her when she was that age; wise beyond their years. "You're one to talk," I say. It's the most I've said all night and it does not go unnoticed.

"He speaks!" Annabelle points at me and giggles. Her laughter is contagious and all of a sudden I can't wipe the grin off my face. "I was getting worried, dad. I was beginning to think that you were nervous about tomorrow," she whispers leaning toward me.

I lose my grin just as quickly as I had found it. My heart beats a little faster and a little harder. In the midst of it all I had forgotten that my entire world could be torn apart in a matter of hours. My face sinks and my head with it. There are some things that I can hide behind crossed arms and a cold, hard face. This is not one of those things.

"Are you?" Anna asks softly, searching my face with concern. My silence answers her question. Sometimes I hate how perceptive the people in this family are. I blame Tris. That's where they all got it from.

"Where else would we go, dad?" she asks, still leaning toward me and speaking softly. The loud, happy conversations have all come to a stop and all eyes are on me as I am being interrogated by my sixteen year old daughter. I cringe in my seat.

"We're not supposed to be talking about this," I say a lot harsher than I need to, a part of me wanting to deter her. It works. She's never been comfortable making other people uncomfortable. However, not all my children are half Amity. Some are much more Dauntless.

"So?" A loud, tense voice says, throwing itself across the table. "We're not supposed to talk about a lot of things in this house but we still do." I look at my son who is obviously challenging me, and when I follow his gaze I realize why. Annabelle is staring at the floor, hurt by the way I yelled at her.

"Belle," I say. I reach out to touch my daughter's shoulder. She knows it's a name I only use in moment like these when I want her full attention. Christian says it means 'beautiful' in one of the old languages. She is. She looks at me and I expect to see tears in her eyes but there are none. Sometimes I forget how strong she is.

"I'm sorry," I say as I look into the eyes that look so much like Tris'. She smiles at me with a smile that always softens even the hardest parts of me. She's always quick to forgive. I hang my head a little. I don't deserve it. I've always admired the way Alex protects Anna, but only in my nightmares has he ever needed to protect her from _me_. The thought of that becoming reality is enough to make me want to throw myself into the chasm. I'd rather be dead than hurt my family.

"Hey, It's ok, dad," Annabelle says softly. I look up at her and when I do I completely understand why Caleb hated me so much when I got Tris pregnant. He was merciful. I'm not so sure I'd handle that particular situation with diplomacy if my sixteen year old daughter were involved. In fact, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.

"And it's ok to be afraid sometimes," she says with a small smile. Anna places her hand over mine, still rested on her shoulder. I squeeze her fingers gently as I smile back. She continues, "But right now you don't have to be. We're not going anywhere." She shakes her head in the most convincing 'no' motion I've ever seen and with all of my heart I want to believe her, so I do. It's enough to settle me for now. Or at least until this dinner is over.

"Ok," I say. And then there's an awkward silence at the table until Rae squeals, "I do not believe what I have just seen! The almighty Four has just been schooled by his offspring." She laughs wildly as she slams her hand against the table. I chuckle a little. I appreciate the gesture. I'm not sure how we would have sparked up conversation again after that impromptu heart to heart. Besides, she's right, and everyone else seems to realize it as they laugh with her.

Alex looks at me and he nods. It's a small gesture but he's asking a question and making a comment at the same time. I never imagined that I'd need my son to let me know when I'm out of line but I'm not too proud to accept his reproach.

I nod back. He knows what it means. We're good. I see Tris looking at me from the other end of the table. I glance at her quickly and I have yet another silent conversation, this time with my wife. I nod to let her know I'm ok and before I know it, the ridiculous conversations have started up again.

After dinner, the twins escort themselves to their rooms. They're supposed to spend the night reflecting on their results and the choice that they will have to make tomorrow. But whether they transfer or not, it might be the last time they sleep in them. While Rae clears the table I see Chris peeling his mother away from the sink and commanding her to go to bed. When she finally yields he hops up on a chair and I walk over to him to help with the dishes. I'm quite curious to hear how he thinks our dinner went. I'm sure he noticed that I almost ruined it.

I grab the rag and soap and I pass him the dishes as I wash them. I can see with the corner of my eye that he's smiling rudely.

"Say it," I say with a light chuckle.

"Say what?" he giggles as he reaches up and smears soap on my neck.

"What's on your mind?"

He looks at me and sighs. "Ok dad. Here's the thing. Everybody out there," he says pointing toward the door, "thinks you're scary. Even my friends' dads are scared of you." He giggles as he shares that last interesting fact.

"Which friends?" I ask, already imagining creative ways to mess with them.

"I can't tell you that. Cause then you'll go around scaring their dads."

I laugh. This kid is way too sharp.

"Anyways," he says. "In this house we all know that you're a marshmallow." He's serious now. "We won't tell anyone. It's ok." He smiles up at me and I realize that my eight year old is giving me legitimate therapy. He's reminding me that I should be open with my family, that I can express my feelings inside these walls. That's the second time today.

"Thanks, kid." I chuckle softly.

"Anytime, dad," he replies.

Together we finish the dishes. Rae heads out soon after. She's got a big day tomorrow too.

When I enter the bedroom Tris is already curled up on her side of the bed waiting for me. "That kid of yours is gonna take over this city one day," I say, closing the door behind me. "I'm sure he'd take over the rest of the world too if there were anything left to take over."

Tris chuckles softly. "He's amazing isn't he?"

"Yeah. They all are," I say as I crawl into bed. Tris takes me into her arms and I bury my face in her chest. It's become one of my favourite places in the world to be. It's warm and soft and the scent of it sedates me. I exhale loudly, releasing all of the day's tension between her breasts.

"Things will be so quiet around here without the twins," she says softly.

"They do tend to make life interesting, don't they?" I whisper against her skin.

"Do you remember how they sabotaged our wedding?"

"No," I say with a wide grin. As if I could ever forget.

"I almost had a heart attack," Tris says, grinning. "I thought Alex was bleeding." She laughs until her eyes are wet. I love watching Tris laugh. Like everything else that she does, it's beautiful. "What was he thinking?" she asks, even though we both know the answer.

"He was thinking about his sister."

Anna had gotten cake all over her very expensive flower girl dress and was heartbroken that she could no longer walk down the aisle. Alex saw her crying and decided that if Anna couldn't walk down the aisle, then he wouldn't either. So he ran into the reception hall, stole a bottle of ketchup and poured it all over himself.

Of course Tris and I had absolutely no intention of kicking our children out of our wedding because of condimentally decorated clothes. But they didn't know that.

"He was protecting her," I say, still lost in my thoughts. "He was only five years old, Tris."

My son has always been as selfless as he is brave. And as usual the thought of him fills me with pride and love. My face becomes heavy as I think about just _how_ selfless he is. The Erudite in my wife gives her a clue as to where my thoughts are.

"Do you really think they're gonna leave, Tobias?" She asks, concerned etched on her face, pulling me up to rest my head beside hers. "Annabelle isn't going anywhere. She'd be too bored in any other faction."

"It's not Anna I'm worried about," I say, sounding defeated.

"Alex?" Tris asks, squeezing her eyebrows together. "He wouldn't leave you. He idolizes you."

"No he doesn't. And besides, he's different. He was born Dauntless but we might as well have raised him in Abnegation. Have you seen his room?" It's as pale as mine was growing up.

"But do you really think he'd transfer there?" Tris gives me an incredulous look.

"I don't know. They don't really fit into any one faction."

"That's _exactly_ why I think they'll stay with family," Tris says reasonably.

"I just want to keep them in my line of sight, that's all. Especially with everything that tends to happen in this city."

"They're more than capable of taking care of themselves, you know that," she says. Of course I do. They're the same age Tris was when she broke me free from the Jeanine's attack simulation and saved the city, and they are both trained for war.

"I do… but still." I shrug.

My wife glides her fingers through my hair gently. "They'd miss you too you know," she says, her eyes finding mine. I'd argue but Tris always sees right through me. This isn't so much about their safety as is it about me wanting to always be close to my children. I'm thirty five years old and I still have abandonment issues. "You're too hard on yourself. You're a great dad, Tobias," Tris continues. "And we have amazing children."

Even if I _am_ a great dad, I'm not the reason our children are amazing.

"And you're an extraordinary mother," I say. "…and wife." I kiss her lips gently. "You're just… extraordinary."

"Don't change the topic," she argues.

"Ok. I'm a great dad," I surrender. "But do you know what else I'm great at?" I grin.

"Tell me."

"I should show you," I say while placing a kiss on Tris' jaw. She lets out a soft moan and I smile against her skin, pleased that I can still make her do that.

"You should shower," she laughs. I forgot I hadn't taken a shower today. But I won't let something so trifling get in the way of what I really want to do to Tris right now.

"You should help me."

She bites her bottom lip and says, "I should." Her eyes are wide with excitement as she springs off the bed and races me to the bathroom. I'm close behind her but it doesn't matter who gets there first or who's helping who. By the time this is all over, we'll both feel like winners.

Forget dinner. _This_ is definitely my favourite part of every day.

* * *

 **A/N: A look into the more vulnerable side of our favourite Dauntless prodigy! Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: You guys are amazing! Your reviews and PMs on the last chapter really meant a LOT to me. It's always hard writing from multiple POVs and making each character and voice unique… I'd say it's one of my greatest difficulties with this story, so I am so glad, beyond words, that you guys appreciate the effort that I'm making to try and do that. Thank you all so much :) And as I always ask, please do enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

 **19\. Choosing Day**

 **ALEX**

It's our last morning in our childhood home. I take it all in, watching the ceiling fan make a few more rounds above my head before I decide to get out of bed. Tomorrow morning I'll be waking up in a strange place, all things familiar gone. Maybe Anna and I will get a place together after initiation. But then again, maybe not. She'll probably want to be on her own since she seems to crave her freedom so badly.

I look around my almost empty, oversized room. I've never really had much of anything to fill the space; just a bed, my desk stacked with books and the small dresser where I keep my clothes. Knowing my mother, she'll leave it exactly the way it is just in case I decide to stay over every now and again like Rae does.

Breakfast is normal, except for the fact that my dad is as quiet as he was last night. I hope he's not upset with me after the way I sassed him at dinner. He didn't seem to be though. I don't make a habit of opposing him. I just know how much Annabelle hates being yelled at, especially when she doesn't deserve it. She hardly ever does.

Anna doesn't say much either. It's not really a happy day for her. Most of her friends at school aren't Dauntless born. After today, she may never see them again.

I finish my eggs and toast and chug down a glass of milk. If there's one thing I'll miss about waking up in this house, it's the food. The cafeteria food isn't bad, but it's not the same as my mom's home cooked delicacies or my dad's mashed potatoes or even Anna's inventions. Maybe I just like it better because it's home.

When it's time to leave my mom walks out the front door with Chris, taking him over to the neighbour's so that she can watch him for the day. We follow behind but my father stops us at the door.

"Wait," he says. He stares at the floor for a few seconds and then he says, "So… Just in case I never see you again-"

"Dad!" Anna whines and rolls her eyes.

"Let me finish," he pleads before he pauses and lets out a deep breath. "Since you're both officially about to become adults, I think it's time I gave you your birthright."

"Our birthright?" My sister laughs holding her stomach. "Are you serious, dad?"

"Why does _she_ get one?" I ask impishly. "Birthrights are supposed to be for the first born only." Anna jabs me playfully in my side with her elbow. I wince. She's careful not to hit me too hard. Our father doesn't like it when we hit each other, even if we're just playing around.

"So, what is it?" Anna looks excited, her grin wide. Whatever it is, I'm not that excited. "Can we call you Four now? Like Rae does?"

"No," my father says and I smirk at his reaction. "You both get one favour," he says a little too seriously.

"A favour? Seriously? So does this mean you won't do daddy stuff for me anymore?" Anna asks mockingly, wiping away a fake tear from her face.

He chuckles. "No. There are things that I will still do for you because I'm your father. But one day there might be something else." His expression is thoughtful. It makes me wonder how big a favour this actually is.

"Thanks, dad." Anna gives him an appreciative smile. He wraps his arm around her shoulder and tosses me the keys to the front door. I turn the lock and together we head down the corridor.

"Please don't use it on something stupid Anna," I say, passing the keys back to our father. "Like a boy."

We ditch the car and catch the train to the hub. It's not often that we get to travel together that way with Chris and all. He already knows how to jump on and off the train by himself but my mother would have a heart attack if she knew.

My parents take the elevator but Anna and I run up the stairs to the twentieth floor. She's faster than I am so she beats me. Anna makes everything friendly competition between us ever since I beat her out of the womb, giving herself points for everything she beats me at. She even gave herself a few points for taking her first steps before I took mine as if she had done it on purpose. Somehow though, whenever we tally it all up, we always seem to be at a draw. Sometimes I think we do it on purpose. We don't dare to consider that we are anything other than equal.

"Thank you!" Anna says as she runs past the Abnegation man holding open the door for us.

The room is large, circular. A blue glow fills the air, radiating from the globe lanterns hanging from the ceiling. Everyone is seated according to factions. Last year the council decided that the dependents get to sit with their parents instead of apart. I have a feeling my dad had something to do with that. I barely notice the five large metal bowls in the center of the room as we walk along the edge of the rows to find our seats.

As we're about to sit down I notice an old man in Abnegation grey just staring at us. You can see that he's at least sixty, but strong. He walks toward us and my father instantly stands in front of us, shielding us from his line of sight.

"Tobias," he says. The old man sparks my curiosity. My mother and grandmother are the only two people who call my father by his given name. "I didn't know your children were choosing today. I assumed they were younger. Has it really been sixteen years already?" No one answers him. He leans to the side trying to peep behind my father and I catch a glimpse of his eyes. They're my father's eyes. They're _my_ eyes. But his are deep and cold.

 _He's my grandfather,_ I think.

Anna must come to the same conclusion because she looks at me with a fierce sense of realization in her eyes.

"What do you want, Marcus?" My father asks him, crossing his arms and standing a little straighter.

"I just thought that I'd come and say hi to my grandchildren," he says, confirming my suspicion. Can't say it's a pleasure meeting him. Not after everything my father has told me about him. He peers his head around to look at us and he smiles. I don't smile back. How dare he smile at us?

"You don't get to speak to my children, Marcus," my mother scowls at him. She's small, but fierce, that woman. The tension between her and my grandfather is tangible and I realize that apart from the obvious reasons to hate him, my mother appears to have some of her very own, and it seems to have something to do with me and Anna. But how? We've never met the man before now.

"Hello, Beatrice," he says. She doesn't answer him. Instead she just passes him a vicious glare.

"Is there anything else? I believe Victor's about ready to begin," my father says, gesturing toward the Erudite representative standing at the podium. He's been a leader for as long as my dad has, so everybody knows who he is.

My estranged grandfather looks at us and nods, once at myself and once at Anna before he walks away. I hope I never see him again. To be completely honest, I think I hate him too.

As we take our seats and everyone settles down, Victor begins his long dreadful speech about the importance of the factions. My dad says it's the same speech every year and all that changes is who gives it. He doesn't seem to like the system very much, but he's careful not to voice it and he warns us not to. I can't imagine why a man who only has four fears would possibly be afraid to speak his mind, or to let people know he has more than one aptitude. It's on my short list of questions that my parents refuse to answer.

"You were all infants when the storm came upon us." Victor's voice is deep, resounding. "It was a brutal storm that devastated our city and almost destroyed the Abnegation."

Interestingly enough, Anna and I were born on the same day as the storm. I guess we're lucky my mother was nowhere near the Abnegation sector when it hit or we may not have survived.

"That's all they ever say. _It was a brutal storm that devastated our city and destroyed the Abnegation_ ," Anna whispers mockingly. "It's like they've run out of words to describe it. It's super creepy."

"Our dependents are now sixteen. And today all of you must choose your rightful place in our society. It is important that you select wisely the role which you will play in the maintenance of peace. Those without a place in our society suffer because to be without a faction is to be without purpose; a life without meaning."

I don't completely believe that. I haven't seen my grandmother since my fourteenth birthday but the last time I visited the factionless she was living the high life. She had all the purpose and meaning she needed.

I let out a sigh of relief as the speech concludes and they begin to call our names one by one. I glance over to my right. My dad looks worried. Can't say I understand why. There is no way Annabelle is going anywhere but Dauntless, and where Anna goes I go. This just may be the easiest decision I ever have to make. Although I will admit that Amity is looking pretty tempting right now. I smile at the thought of the amazing girl I met just a week ago, I wonder what she's doing right now.

 _Ruth Edison_

It's almost our turn.

"This was great, Alex," Annabelle says as she gestures between us with her index finger. "But I've got to spread my wings now." If our parents heard her they'd both probably have a heart attack and die.

"You do know that even if you did pull a fast one on me I'd just follow you right?" Except if she goes to Abnegation then she's on her own. Nobody should have to be _that_ selfless.

 _Candor_

"I really need to find you a girlfriend," she says, rolling her eyes, and I find myself thinking about Abigail. I try to control the muscles in my face but I fail miserably. "Oh my God. Are you blushing?" My face betrays me. "You already _have_ one."

Abby's not my girlfriend, but obviously some part of me wishes she was.  
 _  
Annabelle Eaton_

Thank God. I've escaped. For now.

"You're up, sis," I say, a wide smile still very much stuck to my face.

"If you think this conversation is over, you're out of your mind!" she says while slowly standing up.

"See ya on the other side." I wink at her and she takes off.

I watch as she moves to the center of the room. She accepts the knife from Victor and presses it into her palm. She shifts her hand forward letting her blood sizzle on the coals.

 _Dauntless_

The Dauntless begin to cheer loudly as she walks over to them. I guess I'm up.

I'm about to push myself off my chair when my dad grabs my arm and says, "Alex. Go first. There's a net at the bottom. Don't tell Anna. I don't wanna ruin it for her." I'm not exactly sure what he's talking about but I have a feeling that it's useful information.  
 _  
Alexander Eaton_

"You got it, dad," I say. For some reason I smile at him and he smiles back. There's a spark of pride in his eyes and I feel something lighten inside of me. We stay like that for a little too long. I've always looked up to my father. If I'm lucky, one day I'll be half the man he is. It feels amazing knowing that he's proud of me, even though I have no idea what for. He's crazy to think I'd ever leave him.

 _Alexander Eaton  
_  
"Go," he urges with a smile.

And I go, smiling too.

 _Dauntless_

* * *

When the ceremony is over I glance back at the crowd to see my parents one more time. I might see them around the compound every now and again but we won't really be able to mingle until initiation is over, unless they decide to come for visiting day. But I think they'll most likely take my little brother to see our uncle Caleb and his family. Christian doesn't say so, but Caleb is his favourite uncle. He really looks up to him.

My dad seems a little too relieved as he rests his back into the chair and I can see my mother laughing at him. She wasn't worried, but _he_ obviously was. Although, we're not the ones he should be worried about. Chris is starting to look more and more Erudite as time passes.

The Dauntless initiates exit first. We run down the stairs like a swarm of wild, crazy people. Annabelle is at the front leading the pack. Of course she is. And I can barely hear anything above the shouts and the laughter, and the loud clattering of feet running down the stairs.

We burst through the exit and take to the streets. I glance back when we turn a corner to see some of the transfers barely keeping up. They'd better. I hear the train horn in the distance and I pick up speed. The train glides toward us and I run alongside it before grabbing on to the handle next to the doorway of the first car and I swing myself in. The Dauntless born initiates are used to doing this, so we're all in the first couple cars in less than a second.

Anna goes to peep outside the door and together we watch as two black and white blobs barely keep up with the train. They'll run out of running space soon.

"They won't make it." I shake my head. They'll be factionless.

"Not if I can help it."

"Annabelle!"

My sister jumps out of the train before I can stop her. I let out a loud grunt of frustration and I jump out after her. Briskly we run toward the Candor girls. We've got about ten seconds to do this or we'll be spending a lot of extra time with our grandmother.

"Jump in the last car!" I shout across the noise of the train. Annabelle jumps in and without permission or warning I grab the first girl by the waist. We don't have time for manners or protests. She screams when I practically throw her inside the train. Annabelle grabs her by the arms, pulling her in. The second one is a little heavier but I manage to throw her just in time and I pull myself in at the last minute.

I crash hard on the metal floor before rolling myself to the side, my heart racing more from panic than from exertion. That's as close to being factionless as I ever want to be. I regroup, pressing my back against the side of the train car as I try to catch my breath. But not before long I realize that there are eight pairs of eyes staring at me and Anna. We're in the last car with all the transfers.

"Great," I mutter under my breath.

"Are you ok?" Anna asks. She gives me an apologetic look. I can't be mad at her. It was the right thing to do.

"Yeah."

She takes my hand and pulls me to my feet. I give the transfers a menacing look and they turn away quickly. I don't like being stared at.

Anna makes her way over to the Candor girls she just saved. They look terrified. One of them has her palm placed over her chest and the other looks like she's about to cry. Leave it to Annabelle to try and make friends with the transfers. It's not long before she has lifted their spirits and they're talking and laughing.

"Welcome to Dauntless," I hear her say to them, shouting over the wind. Standing just at their right is a tall, brunette Erudite girl who is obviously annoyed at the three of them. Her nose is freckled and her face looks aged. She looks a lot older than sixteen.

"She's assuming they'll both make it through initiation," a deep voice sort of whispers beside me.

"They barely made it on the train," I say.

"And that was the easy part from what I hear," he chuckles. "I'm Dominic." He's just as tall as I am, but he's bigger, more muscular. He'd be intimidating if his smile wasn't so friendly. He stretches out his hand to shake mine. He's strong.

"Alex."

"Aaaaah. You're the guy they had to call twice. You forgot your name or something?"

"Naw. Wasn't paying attention."

"You obviously knew where you were headed."

"Yeah... I guess so."

As I watch him dressed in his black and white clothes I realize that today must have been so much harder for those who had to choose to leave their families. Every second of that ceremony must have felt like twenty.

"Where are we going?" he asks.

"To the compound. We're almost there actually. We have to jump off soon."

"What?!" A skinny, blond Erudite boy screeches. "Now we have to jump _off_ a moving train?" He's obviously talking to me but I don't answer him.

"Did these people even think before they chose this faction?" I scratch my head. "What did they expect?"

"That we'd exchange bracelets like the Amity girls do. What else?" Dominic's face is filled with amusement, his teeth piercing through his smile. They look white against his honey brown skin. It's the same skin colour as my uncle Uriah.

"Yeah, that's usually what we do at Dauntless," I say. "They've just decided to take a break this year. Try and kill everybody instead." He chuckles loudly and I do too. I like this guy.  
 _  
Amity girl_ s, my inner voice repeats. And yet again I find myself thinking about a very special Amity girl. One with beautiful red hair, full lips and hazel eyes. There's one transfer from Amity this year. I wonder if he knows her.

"Alex! It's time to go!" Annabelle awakes me from my daydream.

I run and push off as hard as I can and jump onto the roof. I hold my breath until I break my fall. As I push myself up the gravel on the roof digs into my palm but I ignore the soreness there. I'm just glad to be on solid ground again. I don't care what my sister says. There's nothing remotely amazing about being mid-air. The transfers follow behind. Surprisingly, they all made it.

As we walk to the other end of the roof Anna nudges me in the side. "Who's your friend? He's cute."

"His name is Dominic. And he's a horrible person, Annabelle." I shake my head and say, "Just horrible. Stay away from him." Her face sinks and I should feel guilty but I don't.

"Listen up everyone! My name is Justin! I am one of the leaders of your new faction!" shouts a young man at the other end of the roof. I recognize him. He got into leadership three years ago. He's been over to our house a couple times. I don't think my dad likes him at all. Justin wasn't in favour when my father suggested to the other Dauntless leaders that they change our current 'exit strategy' for the elderly. You'd think he'd be glad that our older members no longer have to throw themselves into the chasm or be factionless, considering that he has to grow old in this faction. Assuming he lives that long.

His long dark, ponytail is blowing in the wind as he stands on the ledge, like if we're not a thousand feet in the air. Both of his arms are filled with tattoos and he has a piercing over his right eyebrow.

"Below us is the members' entrance to our compound," he says. "If you want to enter Dauntless, this is the way in. If you can't muster the will to jump off, you don't belong here."

"Are you.. Are you serio- Are they serious?" The skinnier Candor girl stutters, staring at Annabelle with horror on her narrow face. I don't know what for. Anna can't help her now.

"This is unbelievable," the same skinny Erudite boy whispers. I'd be annoyed at the fearful chattering of the transfers if I weren't scared shitless myself.

"So who's gonna go first?"

No one looks keen about the idea and no one makes eye contact with Justin. Then I remember my father's words. _Go First._ This must have been what he was talking about. It's a fear we both share. I'm not sure why he wants me to go first but I obey.

"I'll go," I say, and the crowd in front of me instantly parts. My sister says something to me but I can't hear her over the loud pounding in my chest.

As I walk up to the platform I instantly regret it. I look down and I feel my heartbeat in my throat. I stop breathing as the hard wind lashes against me. There's a huge hole in the concrete, several stories below. I can't see what's at the bottom of it. It's a black hole and I feel it sucking me in.  
 _  
There's a net at the bottom. There's a net at the bottom.  
_  
I swallow hard and take a deep breath and hold it. I bend my knees and jump before I change my mind.

The wind howls in my ears as my stiff body plunges toward the ground. I land hard in the net and I gasp as I clutch at it. My body bounces up and down and I try to catch my breath. I'm suddenly glad I jumped first. None of the other initiates are here to see me squirm in the face of my fear. My body stings but I ignore it. I made it. My bouncing slows and I stare up at the evening sky through the hole above me. It's a much nicer perspective.

"You might wanna get out of there before someone falls on top of you."

My head turns instantly at the sound of her voice. It's smooth and slightly deeper than most girls'. I'd recognize it anywhere. It's the voice that sung me lullabies when I couldn't fall asleep. I stare at all too familiar silver-grey eyes and cheek bones that demand attention.

"Hey, baby brother," she whispers with a smile as she pulls me out of the net and onto the platform. The tiny silver gem studded into her nose sparkles when the light from the hole in the roof hits it.

"Rae, what are you doing here?" I look around at the darkness and then back at her.

"Listen. We don't know each other ok? It's not a secret or anything but don't tell anyone if they don't already know."

"Ok."

"So, what's your name?" She speaks a little louder. I'm suddenly aware of the other people in the large, dark open cavern as my eyes adjust.

"My name's Bob," I say softly.

She scoffs and rolls her eyes at me. "First jumper, Alex!"

I hear loud cheering and hooting and I make my way over to the side as another person falls into the net. I look back to see that it's Dominic.

There's a guy leaning against a pillar with his arms folded. His eyes have been following me ever since Rae said my name. It seems to have caught his attention. I'm sure I'm not the only guy named Alex in Dauntless but by the way he's looking at me he must know me somehow. Or maybe he knows I'm an Eaton.

I've already realized that Anna and I won't be favourites amongst the Dauntless born. Our father's on the council and I'm pretty sure that at least one of them will know that Rae is our sister. Lucky for us, the majority might never figure it out since Rae looks nothing like us. Her hair is darker and her skin is not as pale.

We'll need to obviously earn our rankings if we want their respect. That shouldn't be too hard though, considering that our parents have been training us for this ever since we were twelve years old. 'Why' is question number two on my list.

I turn to face the net and Dominic comes to stand beside me. Rae's not there anymore. Instead there's a tall, skinny trainer. She must have known I would've jumped first.

Just then I hear a familiar scream of thrill that quickly increases in volume as it falls from the sky into the net. She laughs loudly as she hits the bottom. "Oh my God! That was amazing!" She's breathless but there's no fear in her voice. The skinny trainer laughs as he pulls her out of the net. My dad was right. He knew she'd love this part.

Annabelle walks over to me with a huge grin on her face and a bounce in her step. "Brave all of a sudden are we, big brother?"

"I guess so."

"There's no way you didn't know there was a net at the bottom," she whispers.

I just laugh. I'll never confess.

I want to tell her about Rae but Dominic is standing too close to me. So we stand there quietly and watch as body after body falls into the net until the last one does.

"Ok everybody. Listen up!"

"Is that-"

"Shhhhhh," I say softly. "I'll explain later."

"My name's Rae." She steps out of the darkness and stands in front of all the initiates, her arms folded. "I'm one of your trainers."

"Rae? Isn't that a boy's name?" One of the Candor girls asks chattily. They both giggle. You can always expect the Candor to not know when to keep their mouths closed. And her name is actually Raelene, but almost nobody knows that.

My sister walks over to them slowly. The grin slowly disappears from the Candor girls' face. "What's _your_ name initiate?"

"I'm Erin," she says almost cockily, probably glad that there's no way to make fun of her very normal name.

"Well Erin," Rae says as she leans into her menacingly. The Candor girl takes a step back. "Here in Dauntless I suggest you learn how to keep that Candor jaw of yours closed tight, or someone _will_ break it for you." Her voice is soft but terrifying. Rae can be scary sometimes, but that's actually not bad advice. Erin nods and Rae walks back over to the guy who's been staring at me.

The Erudite boy in front of me is eyeing the bottom half of my older sister as she walks away and I want to hit him. The tail of her long, thick braid brushes against the waist of her jeans and I can see her gun tucked away on her right hip in the groove of her belt. She doesn't go anywhere without that thing.

"Transfers follow Christopher and Bud," she says. "Dauntless born you're with Jake and I."

Jake. Never heard of him.

* * *

 **A/N: A little deeper into the mind of Alex. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Hey guys! Thank you all for your continued support! I got more views than I've ever gotten on any single day when I posted the last chapter. It really made my day :) Shout out to Redlady1952 for being my 100** **th** **commenter and Idontexist81 for being my 25** **th** **fave! :) I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Divergent**

* * *

 **20\. Settling In**

 **ALEX**

Jake and Rae lead the ten Dauntless born initiates down a narrow stone tunnel. None of them look familiar to me although we're all in the same year at school. I only recognize Annabelle's childhood friend Jessica. She's short with blond hair that stops at her neck. Like Anna, she has only a single piercing in each ear and no visible tattoos; strangely docile for a Dauntless born.

I don't think I've ever seen this part of the compound before. I look around trying to spot something familiar, but so far there's nothing.

The tunnel isn't completely lit. There are small, dim lamps on the wall spaced too far apart, leaving long intervals of darkness between them. Annabelle sticks close to me. Although just by looking at her, you wouldn't know that she was afraid. Her breathing is smooth, even, controlled.

There's a creepy silence. The only audible sound is our footsteps as they echo through the tunnel. I search the other initiates' faces, observe their body language. There are a few weak looking ones, but the majority look proud, tough, Dauntless. Maybe this might not be as easy as I thought. Or maybe they've all just been wearing Dauntless skin for so long, that they've forgotten that they haven't actually earned it yet. I'm looking forward to finding out which, but the longer I observe them the more I think it's the latter. I see more tattoos and piercings than I do muscle. Their legs move clumsily and by the visible fragility of their fingers I can tell that the majority have never held a gun or thrown a knife. I don't know if I should be glad that my sister and I have an obvious advantage, or be confused as to why we do.

We come to a stop at the end of the tunnel and Rae and Jake turn to face us, arms folded. Rae hasn't made eye contact with me since she pulled me out of the net and she hasn't looked at Anna once. My stomach feels sick all of a sudden. I have a bad feeling about this.

"Welcome to training," Jake says. His deep voice bounces off the walls and the skinny blond girl standing beside me jumps. The features in his face are soft, boyish, and his short hair is a dull blond. But the rest of him tells a different story. The veins in his hands are thick and his arms are strong, like if he lifts cement blocks for fun. And his stance is firm, secure, like it's rooted into the ground. Strangely enough, he almost looks familiar.

"I usually train the transfers," he says. "But this year there's a slight... conflict of interest, so I've been asked to supervise your training." He must be talking about _us_. Why didn't they just let Rae train the transfers instead? "I'll also be in control of your rakings," he adds, "and your rankings determine what job opportunities will be presented to you at the end of initiation."

I almost don't resist the urge to laugh. The rest of my working life depends on the guy who seems to have a problem with me. That's just great.

"The rules are simple," he says. "Training begins at eight o clock in the morning every morning and ends at six. Everyone gets a two hour break for lunch. After training is done for the day you're free to do whatever you want but no one leaves the compound unsupervised. There are three stages of training and you will get some time off between each stage." He pauses and scans each initiate, his eyes lingering a little longer on me. I return his gaze until he bores of me and looks away. "We take the initiation process very seriously around here. I suggest you do too. Just because you were born into this faction doesn't mean that you're guaranteed a spot. You fail initiation, you're factionless. Got it?" Everyone nods. I don't. I won't fail.

"Good," he says. "I'll see you all in the training room tomorrow morning at eight then." Jake doesn't look at Rae before he walks away and she doesn't acknowledge him. They must not get along. I wonder what that guy's problem is. Whatever it is, there's only so much he can do to make our lives miserable.

My dad says that once upon a time, back when he was a trainer, there'd be twenty initiates fighting for ten spots. Considering everything he's told me, I'd say he's done a lot of good for Dauntless since he got into leadership. He doesn't seem to like it but I'm glad that he does it anyway. Dauntless would just be unbearably ruthless without him and my uncle Zeke.

We follow my sister- well, my trainer- down a series of hallways. She doesn't tell us where we're going but I've already grabbed my bearings. She stops in front of a large wooden door and we all gather around her.

"I assume you don't need a tour of the place," she says to us. "So after you find your bunks you're free to go get dinner at the cafeteria." Rae opens the door but I can't see anything inside. "We weren't expecting all the transfers to make it so we're two beds short. I understand that we have these two here to thank for that," she stares at Anna and me with cold eyes. "So as an expression of our gratitude you both will be sharing a bed until tomorrow." She stretches her hand inside the dark room. "You two should be used to that by now anyways," she says as she slams a thick blanket and pillow into Anna's hands before walking away and leaving us all standing in front of the door.

Jessica is the first to push the door open wider, it squeaks on its rusty hinges. With the flick of a switch the room is illuminated and the cockroaches scramble. There are nine beds, nine very small beds, spaced out across the room. I take the blanket from Anna and begin to look for a decent spot on the floor.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me," Jessica says, wiping her fingers against one of the bedframes and rubbing the dust between her fingers. The room looks like it hasn't been used since last year's initiation. Annabelle picks a bed in the corner. She sleeps better with her back against the wall. Jessica picks the bed nearest Anna's and gives me a shy smile, almost as if asking me for permission to stay in that bed. I smile back although I honestly don't care where she sleeps.

Jess has always been weird around me. Anna claims that she likes me although she knows that I don't return that particular sentiment. There's nothing wrong with her. As far as Dauntless girls go, she's as bearable as it gets. I just don't think of her that way.

"I'm gonna go check out the bathroom," she says to Annabelle after making her bed.

"I'm sure it's just as delightful," Anna says with a huge smile, straightening out the last few creases of her blanket. I chuckle as Jessica searches Anna's face. Sometimes it's hard to tell where my sister's undying optimism ends and her shrewd sarcasm begins.

I choose a spot parallel to Anna's bed. I feel like a guard dog. So far nobody is taunting me for having to sleep on the floor, but I guess everyone is still taking it all in. You never know what to expect from the Dauntless, but you can bet on your life that a hostile display of intimidation is always around the corner. Thick skin isn't an option here. It's imperative.

I have never slept in a room with so many people before. For some reason it reminds me of the way the factionless are all huddled together on the floor at night. I'm not sure how easy it will be falling asleep to the sound of nine people breathing, snoring, and whoever's been sneezing since we've entered the room. But here I have no other option, unless I want to sleep in the hallway.

I unfold the blanket, grateful that it's at least thick enough to make me not feel like I'm sleeping on cold, hard concrete. A white piece of paper falls out. It's a note.

 _Love you both. Sorry it has to be this way. Don't do anything_ _stupid_ _, Alex.  
-R  
_

I can't help but laugh as I read the note and when I show it to Anna she does too. Between the two of us we try to come up with a logical explanation as to what exactly our sister is doing here.

"Dad probably sent her to spy on us," is my final answer. He seems to be hell-bent on us making it through initiation. Anna grimly states that he should have done something about the accommodations instead. Funny, she's not the one sleeping on the floor tonight.

After everyone's settled in they all head out to dinner but Anna and I stay behind. We're not hungry _and_ I get the feeling that this will be our last moment of privacy until the end of initiation. I'd like to enjoy it. I always feel suffocated when in a crowd or when there are too many strange people in my immediate vicinity. Call me a loner.

Anna steps down and takes a seat beside me on my make shift bed and stares at me as if she's waiting for me to say something. But just in case she forgot, I won't remind her.

"So." Her eyes light up with enthusiasm. "Who is she?"

I shake my head and smile, wondering why I was crazy enough to hope that she had forgotten. I guess this is where my secret dies. My beautiful, red haired secret. I melt into the hard floor and I'm a little boy again, silly and giddy.

"Her name's Abigail," I say with a blush. "But she's not my girlfriend… yet."

Anna makes a confused face. She doesn't recognize the name.

"She's from Amity," I clarify.

Her eyes square in on mine. "The pretty red head Abigail?"

"You know her?"

"I was a bit jealous of her," she whispers, as if we're not the only two people in the room.

"Why?" I ask.

"Oh, come on!" Her voice significantly louder. "Have you taken a good look at her? Below the neck? She's younger than I am but she looks more like a woman than I do. I'm shaped like a boy," Anna whines, pulling open the neck of her blouse with her finger and pouting her lips as she stares inside.

"No, you're not, she's not that much younger than we are, and there's more to her than that," I say, sounding a little irritated.

"Yes I am, I know, and I don't doubt that there is," she says calmly, placing her hand gently on mine. Anna's good at reading people's emotions and calming them down. "I don't know her personally. She's quiet. But I've seen her around the place."

"Where?" I ask. I've certainly never seen her anywhere before that party.

"Let's just say… I've been to more Amity activities than I've let on." She twirls her hair in her fingers and gives me an apologetic smile. I am not amused. "I didn't want dad to find out," she explains. "If he knew I was mingling with the Amity he'd give me the ' _it's not safe'_ speech again and honestly I'm kind of tired of hearing it."  
 _  
That_ I understand all too well. I love my dad. But he's a bit paranoid.

"I just need a break from Dauntless every now and then," Anna continues.

"What? I thought you loved Dauntless."

"I do! It's exciting. But people around here can be cruel sometimes you know?" she says and I nod. "I don't completely fit in here," she continues. "I don't completely fit in anywhere."

"I know what you mean," I reply. The only place we fit in is at our dinner table.

Anna sits up a little straighter and says, "But what you're doing is so much worse, Alex. Like illegal worse."

"I know." I hang my head a little and my voice deepens. As much as I know that, I've been pretending that it's not an issue. Denial is a strong suit of mine.

"And where do you really think this is gonna go?" my sister asks carefully. "Or… is this a 'for now'… kinda thing? You don't seem like the type."

"I'd like for it to be more than that," I say sincerely.

"So what's your plan then? Get her to choose Dauntless next year?"

I haven't gotten around to making a plan but that's actually not a bad idea. But just how exactly will I get her to do that? Anna invades my thoughts and answers, "You can't force it on her. She has to want to come. So if that's your plan you'll need to work on your game."

"My game?" I scoff. "My game is fine." I have no game. I've never even kissed a girl. Although, that's not because there weren't any options. I've just never found a girl worth kissing.

"Yeah, whatever," Anna laughs. "Anyways, I'm half Amity so just think of me when you're trying to woo her."

I laugh this time. "And that's not creepy at all," I say.

"Oh shut up. You know what I mean."

* * *

A guy named West is the first to return to the room. The loud bantering of the Dauntless born follow soon after him. They all take a couple glances at us before they quiet down and their conversations turn into dull whispers. I take it that Anna and I must have been the topic of dinner. They know who we are. Joy.

West takes several inappropriate glances at my sister before he realizes that I'm looking at him. He smartly looks away. I'd hate to have to punch someone on the first night. I don't like the way he looks at her, like he's undressing her with his eyes. Anna catches my threatening stare and scolds me.

"Stop it," she snarls. "Goodnight, Alex."

She doesn't get it. It's not that I don't expect her to ever get a boyfriend. She's pretty so boys _will_ like her. But there are not many decent options among the Dauntless. And I know guys like West. The predator kind, always on the hunt for their next prey, mistakenly believing that they are God's greatest gift to women. The kind who think themselves above respect and restraint. Give them an inch and they take a yard.

I've just taken it upon myself to ward them off along with the ones that don't know how to treat a woman or don't understand the concept of loyalty. Which, so far, has turned out to be all of them. But I've learnt that authority must be established sooner rather than later, and guys like West have no authority here. I guarantee that before week's end he will have realized that.

"Goodnight, Anna."

* * *

 **A/N: Told you there was more to Alex than he was letting on. Don't forget he's half Dauntless! Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)**


	21. Chapter 21

**21\. When to Fight**

 **ALEX**

The training room smells like sweat and metal. It's dim and musky and the dust is thick in the air. After sixteen years of it I should be used to living underground, but after a week of breathing fresh Amity air I'm inclined to prefer the latter.

As I make my way inside I hop around the drops of dried blood on the floor as if it's a game. I'm always the first to walk in and I do it on purpose. It seems to put Jake on edge whenever we find ourselves alone in the room. I still don't know what his interest is in me. He barely speaks to me but he watches my fights a little too closely. I only wish they were more eventful so that I could entertain him some more, but I don't see the point in massacring my opponent if I don't have to.

My muscles burn and my knuckles are split from a week of Dauntless fights but that's mostly from hitting the punching bags. I've been winning my fights in record time and with almost no effort, and so has Annabelle. My father says that in his day people had to fight until someone was unconscious. I'm glad we don't have to do that to anyone, especially considering that we had to fight each other yesterday.

We're both still undefeated, since Rae ultimately called a draw. It's always hard for me to beat Annabelle because she knows I won't hit her in the face, so she's free to leave it open and protect the rest of her body, a useful advantage. Although she hates it when I hold back, she knows not to argue about it. I know that she can take it, and I know that she's tougher than all the guys here. But as for me, Dauntless born or not, there's nothing intrepid about hitting a woman. I did enjoy the fight though. It's the only real fight we've had since we've been here.

I helped Rae train some of the girls when I found out that she had taken up that task. I guess we both got tired of watching the guys wipe the floor with them. I'll never understand why people are so afraid of Rae. She has a big heart. She just doesn't wear it on her face like Anna does.

Rae is the last to walk into the training room. Jake's eyes flick up immediately. He always tends to notice when it's her walking in, although her footsteps sound exactly like everybody else's. Somehow I think he's studied her, but it's not in the same way he studies me. He doesn't let her catch him watching her.

He looks at his watch and says, "Thank you for joining us," when she gets closer to him. I'm too far away so I can't hear him but he speaks so slowly that I can identify the words he forms with his lips. Rae doesn't respond but she rolls her eyes a bit before folding her arms and standing beside him. She doesn't stand any closer than she needs to. I've already gathered that she doesn't like him too much.

The other initiates are stretching their arms and legs and warming up in one way or the other when Jake shouts across the room, "First fight, West vs. Alex." His voice is resounding. It commands attention and everybody moves at his command.

I can't help but smile a little. I've been looking forward to this fight and by the look on West's face so has he. I've made it clear that I don't like him or that I don't want him anywhere near my sister. He foolishly chose to take lightly my primary warning.

"Come on, Eaton. You scared?" He jeers at me while heading for the ring. "Afraid you'll finally meet your match?"

Oh please.

"You think you're better than everybody? Huh?" he continues. "With your perfect family and your perfect life?"

I step onto the sparring mat and I don't wait for him to attack first. I punch him hard in the jaw. He doesn't foresee it so he stumbles sideways, pressing his hand to his face. He comes at me ferociously and I find myself having to block several punches before I can actually get a good one in. Somebody's been practicing. He has a powerful punch, the kind that could throw me off my feet if my stance isn't secure enough. That is if he can actually hit me. He's still no match for me.

I'm only planning to humiliate him a little but then he says smugly, "Does your daddy beat you the way his daddy beat him? Is that why you're such a tough guy? Huh?"

My fists clench tighter. The words infuriate me. I hate that people know the things that they do about my father's past and I know that he does too. Nobody's crazy enough to mock him about it. Quite frankly I don't think there's anything _to_ mock. West seems to disagree and if I let him get away with it, he'll do it again. This ends here.

He bounces on his toes and I kick his feet from under him, knocking him to the ground and punching him again in the jaw but harder this time, wiping that stupid grin off his face and smearing his mouth crimson. He scurries from beneath me and scrambles to his feet like a scared child. I wonder if he still thinks that's funny; scared children fleeing punches. He barely dodges my first punch but the second hits him square in the chest, propelling him backwards. He catches his step and then circles me for a quick minute, but it doesn't matter which angle he comes at me. For the fun of it I don't turn around. I let him attack me from behind.

He charges at me and I anticipate him. I crash my elbow hard into his stomach then I grab him under his arm and behind his neck, flipping him over my back. The sound of his body crashing into the mat echoes throughout the training room and it's like music to my ears. I press him hard down into the mat and spew the words viciously through my teeth, "I suggest you don't make a habit of disrespecting my father. That won't end well for you."

I decide to put in a little more effort than I usually do and end it quickly. I make sure to punch him in the face, right in the eye that he's been watching my sister with. I take no hits. I have somewhere I need to be tonight and I would rather not be bruised.

West has to be helped off the mat and Anna gives me a reproving look, probably wondering what the hell that was all about. But I'll tell her what he said, she'll get upset about it and then I will thoroughly enjoy watching her humiliate him tomorrow.

I step off to the side. There's actually sweat on my neck. It felt good not holding back as much today.

As I watch the fights that follow I'm curious yet again as to why Anna and I are so prepared for this. Jake and Rae are the only people in the room that can take us in a fight. Whoever taught Jake to fight must have been as good as my dad.

I watch as Jessica and another skinny dark-skinned girl named Joanna battle it out on the mat. Beyond the high pitched yells of force and pain I hear the doors squeak as they swing open, and then a low grunting coming from the entrance. It's the same old-looking Erudite girl. Christopher, the other trainer, is walking toward us, pulling her by the left ear. She's thrashing but she can't break his hold. Anger makes her look even older than she did when I first saw her on the train.

Christopher releases her and she grabs at her ear. The fight in the ring has stopped and everybody's looking around trying to figure out why he brought her here. In stage one the Dauntless born are trained separately from the transfers, because unlike them we already have a background in violence. Training with us would be downright genocide.

"Stacy here seems to think that she can take on the Dauntless born in a fight," Christopher says with a laugh.

Jake is obviously offended by the comment. My guess is he's Dauntless born. He seems to dislike all of the transfers, although Anna's new Candor born friends say that he has a special distaste for the Erudite.

"Oh really?" he says as he walks over to them. "Is this true, Stacy?" He looks down at her menacingly. She doesn't reply but her face is so twisted it's a response in itself. This girl is not pretty in any way or from any angle.

"Let's make this interesting then," Jake says, shooing Jessica and Joanna out of the ring. "Rules. If you step off the mat you lose. If you lose, you're factionless." Rae gives him a questioning glance but quickly turns away. I wonder if he can really do that.

"What?!" she screeches. Her head flings up so fast it's a wonder she doesn't break her neck. "How is that even fair? I'm one of the best ranking transfers!"

"Yeah, but you're not _the_ best," Jake says flatly. "We can afford to lose you. Next time you'll learn to keep your smart Erudite deductions to yourself. Now choose your opponent."

She stares at him for a short while but then her eyes begin to scan her options. Timothy is the obvious choice. He's short, skinny, easy to beat, but her eyes move past him. She looks over to her right and at first I think she's going to choose Jessica, which is a gamble. Jess is small but she's strong and fast. But instead Stacy says, "Her," and points at Annabelle. I almost choke. It's a very dumb move for an Erudite. Asides from me, Annabelle's the best fighter here and I'm pretty sure that the transfers know it. They've seen our rankings. I've heard that they call us 'The Wonder Twins'.

I look over at Anna and I suddenly realize why it's not a dumb move. After the train incident, Stacy's already figured out that Anna's the only person here with a heart. She's banking on Anna to throw the fight. This isn't just about her ranking, this is about her pride. She'll lose respect from the other transfers if she chooses the weakest Dauntless and Annabelle's the most merciful of the strong. I suddenly want to spit at her. I hate people taking advantage of my sister.

They both enter the ring, Anna glances at me while rolling her hair up in a bun, but I shrug. I don't know what she should do. I'm sure she doesn't want to be the reason why anyone is factionless, assuming that Jake's threat is solid, but throwing a fight after you know you've been hand-picked because you're expected to throw the fight requires a whole lot of humility. That is if Annabelle even knows that Stacy is pawning her.

Stacy gives a half smile but Anna doesn't smile back. She's focused, concentrated. Although I doubt she really needs to be. Stacy is heavy. Heavy usually means slow.

Without warning Stacy dives at Anna, but as suspected she's not fast enough. Anna takes a quick step to the left, jabbing Stacy hard in the back with her right elbow when they're in line. Stacy falls forward on her stomach and hurriedly turns over, but Anna won't attack until she gets up. Our father taught us to never hit a man when he's down, unless your life depends on it. I may have broken that rule today. Or maybe I simply added a clause of my own. However, given the circumstances, I doubt he'd disapprove.

Stacy mutters under her breath before charging at Anna again, trying to land a punch in her face but Anna blocks her with ease, twisting Stacy's arm in a knot and crashing her knee up, hard, various times into her midsection before letting her arm loose. Stacy stifles a growl through her teeth and gives Anna a condemning look. I guess this fight isn't as fulfilling as she thought it would be. She hasn't managed to hit Anna once, and I know for a fact that she won't be able to.

Stacy makes a third attempt at Anna, trying a sloppy kick to her side. Anna dodges the kick completely and connects a hard fist to Stacy's mouth. And by the smirk on Anna's face, she hit that particular anatomical location on purpose.

Stacy quickly brings both arms up to protect her face, leaving her entire midsection exposed. Annabelle places a hard uppercut into her lower abdomen, forcing the wind out of her. Stacy gasps and Anna hits her again and again in the side and in the stomach. I'm sure that Anna will break her ribs but just then she pulls back. She steps backwards and hops off the mat. Stacy is still crouched over trying to protect her midline, but I see the crooked smile on her face when Anna steps out of the ring. It's exactly what she was hoping for. Anna forfeits. But not before giving Stacy a proper beating.

"Who said you could stop initiate?!" Jake pushes Anna forward but she doesn't lose her balance.

"I decide when I'm ready to stop," she snarls at him. I chuckle at her comment. Anna's Amity, but she's also very, very Dauntless.

"I said finish… the fight." Jake speaks through gritted teeth.

"That's enough, Jake." Rae steps into the ring and grabs Stacy by the arm. "Go back to your training," she hisses, viciously pushing her off the mat. By the look on her face she knows what Stacy was doing too. "Bitch," she mutters under her breath along with a series of colourful and barely audible profanities. Jake stands down. He never argues with Rae when she opposes him. Strangely enough he seems to like it.

Stacy passes a malicious wink in Anna's direction, and with a wicked smile smeared across her face she walks backwards toward the door. I find myself praying that she trips and breaks her putrid ass face but unfortunately she doesn't. She turns around and keeps her face hard as she walks as if her legs and abdomen don't ache with every step. But I know better. I know how hard my sister hits. And she'll remember that every time she breathes, or eats, or moves, or opens that big mouth of hers.

I'm glad.

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 **A/N: So you guys are right about two things. Yes, Alex is a lot like his father, and yes he is a bit overprotective. There's a reason why he is though. Although it's not outrightly stated until further on into the story, it is hinted in this chapter and in the chapters that follow, so look closely.  
P.S- I wonder where Alex is going tonight? I guess we'll find out in Chapter 22 ;) Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :) I love reviews, and if you like this story you should let me know so that I'm motivated to keep writing it lol**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: I'm sorry for the long author's note! But…**

 **To: Paula'08, IceFire15, Redlady 1952, 4Gracedivergent, velosewer, FreeBlackLover, Rookybooky2453, my Guest reviewers. Damn you Kylie, Potterhead n divergent.**

 **Thank you guys so much for your faithful reviews. I absolutely love reading your thoughts and suspicions :) And I promise that the answer to every single one of your reviews/comments will be revealed in due time. To my guest reviewer who asked what Alex's aptitudes are, he's Dauntless and Abnegation :) It's briefly mentioned in Chapters 14 and 18.**

 **And thanks to everyone who is following or has favourited this story! And also to those who are still checking in and feeling it out :) My last update I got double the amount of views that I usually get when I post a chapter and it made me grin like an idiot for the entire day. Thank you all so much! If your heart is telling you to favourite/follow/review, please listen to your heart lol**

 **Now back to the story. Please do enjoy this chapter :)**

* * *

 **22\. Convergence**

 **ALEX**

I wait until everyone's asleep. Lucky for me, after a long day of sweat and blood and concussions, that doesn't take too long. In no time all of my fellow Dauntless born initiates are out cold and no one hears the door squeak open when I sneak outside. Annabelle does of course. She's vigilant like that. But she knows better than to follow me tonight.

I make a stealthy escape from the compound and make a break for the midnight train. By the time I get to Amity it will be just after one o clock and I have no idea how I'm gonna make it back, but much like an idealist chases his dreams without thinking it through first, I decide I'll figure that part out later.

During my trip the hum of the train and the wind dancing circles around me make it hard for me to resist sleep, but my body comes back to life the minute I throw myself off the train and dash toward the orchards. I would have gotten lost if I hadn't spent the week before initiation finding my way through it every day.

I scurry through the buildings like a thief, my full black apparel keeping me hidden in the night. It wouldn't be wise to get caught out here, especially at this hour.

Most of the houses at Amity look the same. They're made of dark wood, unpainted, no more than two storeys high. Significantly different from the large towers that stretch out on either side of the city streets. Abby only showed me her house once but I find it with ease even in the darkness. Getting her attention and calling her downstairs is what proves to be the problem.

After what feels like half an hour and fifty pebbles later she finally pulls across the curtains and takes a peep outside. I look up at her window and wave a little too ardently. I feel like a stalker. She signals me to meet her by the back door and so I do, quietly pushing my way through the green hedges that line the outside of her house.

A wide grin catches my face the second I hear the door creak open. She tip toes outside, gently pulling the door behind her. Her nightgown is pearly white, lace, covered by a short yellow jacket, and her hair looks alive, like a flame dancing in the wind. Absolutely beautiful.

"Alex!" she whispers and shouts all at the same time as she briskly walks toward me, her eyes scanning the darkness. "What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night." Her words are reprimanding, but by the way the corners of her lips can't seem to stay down, and the way both her arms fling around my neck, I'd say she's very glad to see me.

"Happy birthday, Abby," I speak into her neck and I catch a whiff of her scent. She smells amazing. I lift her up and spin her around and the sweet sound of her giggling doesn't stop even when I set her feet back on the ground. I release her and suddenly I feel like an idiot for having come empty handed.

"You remembered," she says with a smile.

"How could I not?" I shrug.

"Thank you," she says wholeheartedly, resting her palm on my face. I always shiver when she touches me. "I can't believe you came all the way out here in the middle of the night to tell me that."

"I'm very dedicated," I state matter-of-factly, " _and_ I wanted to be the first."

"You are," she says with a giggle. "and… you are." Her cheeks burn crimson. I wonder which statement she answered second.

"Good," I say. "Come on, let's get out of here."

As if I had done it a thousand times I take her hand, and her fingers fit between mine perfectly. She doesn't reject the gesture, so neither do I. We walk hand in hand to a more secluded area, only untwining our fingers so that I can remove my jacket. I spread it over the grass, letting her sit there, resting her back against a tree. As I take a seat in the grass beside her I realize I want to hold her. I just want her close to me.

"So what'd you bring me?" Abby pouts her lips and folds her arms demandingly.

"Myself, of course," I say, gesturing toward my body. "Sadly, it's all I have to give."

She gives me a scrutinizing look. "I guess you'll have to do."

"That's not very Amity of you," I jeer. "Rejecting my gift like that."

Her laugh is effervescent, picking up even the lowest parts of me, awakening even the numbest parts of me. It's like a ray of lightning illuminating the nothingness, and even if just in that moment, everything is clear. Everything makes sense. I'm addicted to those moments and I simply cannot go too long without them.

"What happened?" Abby's grin turns to a frown as she cups my chin with her fingers, examining the cut on my lip. I had even forgotten about that.

"My sister got me. It was a cheap shot." I grimace at the memory of it.

"Why did she hit you?" Abby asks, her confusion obvious. When it's just us I easily forget how completely opposite our worlds are. The Dauntless dream of violence. The Amity dream of rainbows. Makes me wonder what Anna dreams about. Something between benevolent assassins and bloodthirsty ponies, I presume.

"Dauntless initiation. Hand to hand combat."

"Oh," she says, her lips left pursed. "Doesn't look _too_ bad. I guess it could be worse."

I scoff. "You should see the _other_ guy," thinking of the various colours that now adorn West's face.

"Your sister?"

"No. Everybody else," I say, before realizing that I should shut up. Somehow I get the feeling that being able to win a fight without breaking a sweat is not the way to impress an Amity girl. "So… any birthday plans?" I ask, changing the topic. "Your parents throwing a party for you?"

"No." She shakes her head. "It's just my sister and I. My mom died when I was six."

"And your dad?" I ask quietly.

"I never met my father, and my mother died before I ever asked about him. I asked my sister once but she says her father died when she was four and she says she never met mine." I raise an eyebrow. That sort of thing is normal in Dauntless, men dying long before they're supposed to because of daredevil stunts gone wrong, but it can't be normal here.

"That's strange," I say, mostly to myself but she replies, "Yeah it is. I guess he died too. Either that or he's out there somewhere and he just didn't want me," she says with that thoughtful look on her face again. The one I saw when we were talking at the party.

"I doubt that," I say. But that's not a comforting thought. All that means is that her father is most likely dead. I've been trained to survive Armageddon yet a petite girl from the faction of the peaceful has been plagued by more death than I have. Ironic.

"And I don't know of any aunts or uncles," Abby continues. "I think my mom must have been a transfer."

"Yeah," I say. This is proving to be a bad topic choice also. I don't want her thinking about death or loneliness on her birthday. I begin to mentally seek out an alternate topic.

I've never been much of a conversationalist, especially when I don't know someone well enough. But talking to Abby that first night was only hard for the first couple sentences. Every word since then has come easy. Probably because all I've ever done is ask her questions, and the desire to know more about her is like an insatiable thirst. I mean, who is this girl that only made me realize that she is what I've been missing when she appeared by that doorframe in that orange dress?

I can't be the only one she makes feel this way. She's a small little thing compared to me, but she's far more conspicuous. I'm sure that every guy that has ever laid eyes on her has noticed. Any of them would gladly follow her out here. I wonder how many of them have. But there's no nice way to phrase that question. So I ask something else.

"Tell me something."

She nods.

"Exactly how am I different from the other Dauntless boys who pass through here?" I ask, taking her back to what she told me the night of the party. I already know that I'm different, but she doesn't know enough about me to know that. Not yet.

"Well for one you look at my face when you talk to me, and you talk to me like I'm a person."

"As opposed to..." I chuckle lightly, having no idea what she's talking about.

When she realizes that she says softly, "As opposed to talking to my chest and whistling at me like I'm a call girl. Because of the way I look, they just assume that I'm well… Active." She shrugs her shoulders and a look of discomfort takes over her face.

"Oh," I say. That's definitely not the answer I was expecting, but it was foolish of me not to. I've been Dauntless long enough to know how they respond to women. They've objectified her. But she gives me too much credit. I was just as caught up in the beautiful features of her face as the other Dauntless boys would have been in the rest of her.

I catch her staring at her feet and rubbing the hem of her jacket between her fingers. It troubles me. "Hey, don't hang your head." I lift her chin gently, getting her to look at me. "You have nothing to be ashamed of." But she turns her eyes away, staring off into the night, looking at nothing in particular. "You have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?"

I don't know where the words come from, just that together they feel like the most honest question I've ever asked. My fingers trail the side of her face to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear, and even from this angle she is breathtaking. How dare they make her feel as if she was anything less?

"I guess I've never felt that way," she admits softly.

"Now, that's a shame," I say roughly. "If it counts for anything, on behalf of my faction, I do humbly apologize." And it's enough to make her smile for a second.

"It's not your fault," she says. "At least they're brave enough to say what everyone else around here is thinking."

My face twists in confusion at this. "I thought the Amity were supposed to be nice."

She scoffs. "Only on the surface." Then adds, "It's a good thing the Candor don't come around here. _God_ knows what they'd say." She forces a smile but it doesn't last long. This time I recognize what that thoughtful look is. It's hurt.

"It upsets you." I sit up a little straighter. "The way they talk to you." It's a statement. Not a question.

"I'm Amity," Abby counters.

"That doesn't mean you don't get upset."

"It means I'm not supposed to."

"And are you ok with that?"

"Are you ok with hitting people?" she says as she gently grazes the cut on my upper lip with her fingertips. Suddenly my face feels warm as electricity crackles where she touches me.

I think about her question and it's not an easy one to answer. I don't love it. I don't go around looking for fights. But fighting is the only thing I'm good at. Fighting and aiming and throwing knives and facing my fears. Without my Dauntless tactics I'd be irrelevant, invisible. Not that I particularly enjoy being seen. Besides, there are people in this world who deserve to be hit. Like West. Or my grandfather. So I say, "Only if I have to."

I feel the soft tips of her fingers against my lips as they move. She slowly pulls them away but I take them into mine and say, "But hitting people is as much bravery as insincerity is peace." A faint smile catches her lips and for a moment I think that maybe she _is_ like me. She has to be. I bring her fingers to my lips and I kiss them softly and I say, "You didn't answer my question."

"Not yet," she says softly.

"I'll wait." However long it takes, I'll wait. Because I know that somewhere inside of her lives the will to be free the same way it lives inside of me.

My hand is still wrapped around her fingers when she says, "There's more... that makes you different."

"Like what?" I ask, blushing, but only a little.

"You're nice."

"Only most of the time," I rebut, letting our hands rest on her thigh.

"And you're not pierced and tattooed all over. _And_ you don't act like you have a death wish."

"Not my cup of tea," I grin. "I do have a tattoo though."

"Can I see it?" Abby asks enthusiastically.

"Not yet," I say teasingly.

She folds her arms and says, "I'll wait."

It's one of those perfect moments again, when there's nothing wrong with the world. I feel the impulse to hold her again and this time I do. I slip my arms around her and she tucks herself beside me. She rests her head on my chest and it sends a warmth through me, a feeling of wholeness. Like that one last missing puzzle piece has finally been set in place. I relish in it.

I'm about to lean down and kiss her hair when my watch begins to beep and I wholeheartedly want it to shut up. I take off the alarm and decide to ignore the time for as long as I possibly can. Until I can't anymore.

"I hate to say this, but I have to go now if I want to make it back by sunrise." I'll have to go by foot. I already feel my legs trembling in opposition. Abby looks up at me sleepily but with obvious objection in her eyes. If it was up to either of us we'd stay here until hunger forces us out of hiding.

"Come on," I say, hooking her by the shoulders and gently picking her up. I probably shouldn't have kept her out here so late. We hold each other by the hip and walk slowly toward her back door.

"Just take care of yourself ok?" she says when we finally get there. "I don't like you getting hurt."

"Don't worry about me angel," I insist with a slight grin. "I'll be fine."

She nods and then pushes herself up on the tips of her toes and softly kisses the cut on my upper lip. Like a catalyst it emboldens me and when she pulls away all I can do is pull her back, pressing my lips to hers, parting them between mine. Everything around me disintegrates as I become lost in the warmth of her lips and in the charge of static emitted in that one slow, soft kiss.

It takes absolutely everything in me to pull away, but I do. It was a hasty act and I'm not sure that she appreciated it. "I'm sorry," I whisper. My lips brush against hers while I speak and it makes me want to kiss her all over again.

We stay like that for a while, inches apart, taking in each other's breaths. And for a moment I think I've ruined everything, but then she slowly wraps hers arms around my neck and pulls her face up to mine and she kisses me back with a kiss so fervent and warm it threatens to melt me right where I stand. Her fingers slide into my hair and curl into it. But then she lets me go and presses a palm against my chest, slightly pushing herself back.

"What's wrong?" I choke out, feeling like I've just suddenly lost my supply of oxygen.

"I don't know what this is, Alex." Abby looks at me and I see the same yearning in her hazel eyes that's been burning in me for so long. I take her hand in mine. I know exactly what this is. I know all that it could be, all that it _will_ be.

"We can let it be whatever we want it to be," and the words leave my lips sounding like a whimper, like a plea.

"But we can't really be together, can we?" she whispers, her eyes glossing over.

No. We can't. We're not allowed to have relationships outside of our faction. But not being with Abigail just doesn't seem like an option.

"Can't we?" I plead. "Are we not already?"

"I don't know...," she shrugs. "Are we?"

"I think we are." I know we are. "And I think that we'll continue to be together because it's what we both want." And every single part of me wants this.

"And then, when we can't anymore?" she whimpers, shaking her head. "What do we do?"

I take her into my arms and say, "When we can't be together anymore, we stay together."

"And what if it's not that simple, Alex?"

"It won't be. But I won't let this go so easily. As long as it's what you want, I'll be here."

I watch her eyes crease and I watch her bite her lip as she weighs her options in her mind, but I already know that she wants this too. I felt it in the way she kissed me and in the way she held my hand, and I see it in the way her eyes glisten when she says my name. Silly little things. Earth-shattering little things.

Abby looks up at me decided, determined, beautiful and flawless. It's an answer in itself. "Any more questions?" I ask her. She smiles wickedly and then brings her lips to mine again. My hands move on their own, caressing her back and her neck as I hold her to me. I pull her closer and closer, not wanting even a moment's separation between us as we take in the taste of each other. She slows down the kiss and tucks both arms inside my jacket, only pulling away to rest her head on my heart. I hope that this is what she'll always want, because I don't really see myself ever wanting anything else but this.

There's no anxiety in it, no nervousness. Just the feeling that this is what should be, that this is what always should have been. Nothing has ever felt so right in my life.

"You have to go," Abby whispers into my chest.

I take her face between my palms and say, "I'll see you soon." And I place a kiss between her beautiful eyes. I lose myself in them as I begin to walk backwards, not wanting to lose sight of her for even a second. But I've barely taken a step when I feel like there's already too much space between us.

"Go inside," I say softly. "You'll catch a cold."

A soft wind blows her hair against her face and I swear there's an angel smiling back at me. I smile back in awe at the celestial being, utterly enthralled by her perfectness.

And then, bringing to an end my delirium… she's gone.

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 **A/N: And in the words of the great Icefire15 "Abbex has been shipped!" I hope you guys enjoyed reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it :) Please let me know what you thought of it!**


	23. Chapter 23

**23\. Fifty Shades of Rae**

 **ALEX**

I'm pouring in sweat and my muscles burn. My watch says 4:30 a.m but I'm almost sure I saw a little bit of orange in the horizon before I entered the compound. Hopefully my watch hasn't betrayed me and I can still get at least get three hours of sleep before another day of training begins.

The Pit is deserted and eerily quiet as I walk through it. Even the water crashing through the chasm is as tame as it ever is. As I see the end of the passage way that leads to the dorms I breathe out a sigh of relief and I smile through the pain. I'm in the clear. But I think too soon. As I turn the corner I see Jake waiting for me. His arms are folded tightly and he's tapping his right foot. I stop dead in my tracks.

"Where'd you go initiate?" he says as he walks toward me, quickly making the space between us that much smaller. Why is he even awake at this hour?

"I just needed to stretch my legs a bit," I say a little too cockily. He can't touch me and right now, for some reason, I just can't help but rub it in his face.

"You know the rules," he spits. "You can't leave the compound unsupervised."

"You do know that I'm Dauntless born right? That rule's a bit dumb don't you think?"

"You think you can do whatever the hell you want because your dad's a faction leader?" He leans into my face in a pitiful attempt to make me feel threatened. I mentally applaud his effort. That kiss seems to have really done something for my ego.

"So what if I do?" I lean in a bit closer. I can tell that he's uncomfortable. Good.

"Watch yourself kid, before you find yourself factionless," he says, and I almost laugh at his empty threats. He obviously has no idea who the leader of the factionless is. I'd live better there than he does here.

"Is there a problem here?" I hear a voice say. Where the hell did _she_ come from? Jake and I don't break eye contact, but I see the way he winces at the sound of Rae's voice.

"Yeah, there is," he says, his voice menacing as he speaks through his teeth. "This one seems to have felt the need to take a field trip." And he shoves me.

"Jake!" Rae steps between us pushing him away from me and holding him at arm's length. "Don't touch my brother," she snarls. "Let me handle this." But he bats away her arm.

"I said-" she seethes viciously as she grabs his wrist "-I've got it!"

It's a pissing contest and she wins.

"You'd be smart to keep your little brother under control. He'd better not fall out of line again." Jake walks away and I almost want to laugh, but the look on Rae's face tells me that I probably shouldn't. She grabs my arm and pulls me through the dark halls all the way to the chasm. I'm not sure who I'll get; Rae my sister or Rae my trainer. I hope it's the prior. Jake, I'm not afraid of. Rae, yes.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she says as she flings my arm away, turning to face me. "I thought I _specifically_ asked you-," and she cuts herself short to let out a grunt. She's pissed. If things get too bad I guess I could always jump. Assuming she doesn't throw me over herself. "Where'd you go, Alex?" She says. Her eyes and her tone demand me to answer.

"I had to go see someone," I say, my voice quivering slightly. I know where this conversation is headed and to be honest it scares me a little. Rae encourages my occasional mischief but being with Abby is more along the lines of illegal. I'm not sure how she'll react to it, but I know better than to lie to my sister. More than anything else, Rae hates being lied to.

"Where?!"

"Amity," I confess.

"Are you out of your mind?!" But I don't answer. I think I might be.

Unbelievably, it doesn't take too long for her to figure out why. "You're kidding," she says, her mouth slightly falling open. "You snuck out of the compound in the middle of the night and went to Amity to go see a girl?" she's laughing now. I was definitely not expecting that. "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree after all," she says. Rae sees the confusion in my face but she speaks before I can ask what in the world she's talking about. "She must be pretty special."

"She is," I say, and I can't help but smile.

"And how exactly do you think this is gonna end, Alex?"

This is the second time I'm being asked that question. And I'm starting to hate it more and more.

"I have a year to convince her to switch factions," I say.

"From Amity to Dauntless? That's a big switch. The two factions are like day and night." Rae shakes her head as if it's impossible as she turns her body to rest her arms on the railing.

" _You_ did it," I point out.

"It wasn't hard for me. I never belonged there. Besides, I was only Amity for eight years, the first three of which I don't actually remember. I can't imagine it being the same for her."

"You think there's a chance that she would?" I ask.

"I can't tell you," Rae says flatly. "I'm not really the expert on love."

"No, you're not," I say with a grin.

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"You don't even see the way you affect him," I reply, still grinning.

Her eyebrows furrow when she asks, "Who?"

"Jake," I whisper-yell.

She scoffs. "Jake hates me."

"No he doesn't. On the contrary I'd say he's quite turned on by you. I think he's an asshole because he's overcompensating."

"Now what in the world makes you say that?" Rae's face is serious, sad almost.

"He bites his bottom lip every time you challenge him. I think one day if you yell at him hard enough he might just kiss you," I say jokingly in an attempt to cheer her up but she doesn't budge. Whatever is happening between her and Jake is more complicated than I thought.

"I don't even wanna know how you know that," she says, finally breaking a smile.

"The Candor girls. They notice a lot. Anna made friends with them." I pause. "They seem to think you like him too." And after just now, so do I. Rae doesn't deny it, but her face doesn't give away any hints.

"He wasn't always like that, you know," she says softly. "He was… amazing once. We used to be best friends for two years... Then a whole lot more than that for even longer," she confesses after a thoughtful pause. My eyes open wide. How comes she never spoke about him before now?

"You're kidding. What happened?"

She shrugs. "One day he just woke up and decided that he hated the world, and me along with it. Pushed everybody away."

"You've never asked him why?" I ask, curious.

She shakes her head. "And I won't. It was a long time ago." Not long enough for her to have gotten over it though. That's a long time to be with someone to have them just throw it all away.

"If it's so hard for you to work with him then why are you? And why is he?" I ask.

"I don't know about him but I have a job to do," she says. Why do I get the feeling it's a babysitting job.

"Well, I think you should use all that extra time together to talk to him." Rae turns to me and a look of disbelief is plastered on her face. "Really," I continue. "I think you should try and work it out since he's the only guy in Dauntless who isn't terrified of you. You can be scary sometimes."

"I'm not scary." She rolls her eyes a little. "I just don't smile unless I really want to."

"And how often is _that_?"

"A little less than the average person," she says with a forced smile.

"A lot less. And that scares people, Rae." I laugh. "You're scary and you know it. There's a theory that dad made you that way."

She scoffs. "Oh I was scary long before he showed up." Her words remind me of question number three on my list, so I take advantage of the conversation.

"You know, that story has never made sense to me. Don't get me wrong, but I don't understand why they'd go all the way to Amity to adopt. I thought only factionless kids were adopted."

"I was an orphan. Might as well have been factionless."

"Even so, they were so young, and Anna and I were just born." I choose my words carefully. I'd hate for my sister to feel like I'm suggesting that her adoption was somehow unnecessary. She doesn't seem to be upset, but she doesn't say anything either. It confirms my suspicions.

"I think you're all hiding something from us, Rae."

"Why would you think we're hiding something from you?"

"Well there's that question that I just asked you two minutes ago that you refused to answer. Then there's dad. He teaches us that it's ok to be different-" and by different I mean having more than one aptitude- "Yet we're not allowed to tell anyone, and he forces us to keep the rules. He obviously hates the system yet he's a part of the government that enforces it."

Rae looks around to see if anyone is in sight. She presses a finger to her lips, urging me to keep my voice down. I speak softer, "Then there's the whole training thing. I highly doubt that our parents have been training us since we were twelve years old just so that we could make it through initiation. I get that they're both Dauntless prodigies, but we both know neither of them is so superficial to give so much thought to our rankings and initiation. And speaking of initiation, here you are, sent to babysit us. What is happening Rae? What is he trying to protect us from?"

The thought of my father trying to protect me from anything is strange enough. He's always seemed to trust me with my own safety and Anna's too. But I can't justify his behaviour by any other means.

"Don't feel special, baby brother," Rae says. "I've been training initiates for years. It's the only reason they authorized me to stay on board this year even though two of the initiates are my siblings. With Jake babysitting me, of course."

"Oh."

" _Oh_ ," she says mockingly.

Just as I'm about to stop because I realize how paranoid I probably sound, she says "If they haven't told you yet it's because they're not ready to. It's not something anyone would like to revisit."

"Well then _you_ tell me."

"It's not my story to tell."

"Fair enough. Then tell me _your_ story."

Rae is quiet as she stares at me. I stay quiet too, waiting for her to begin. And then she does.

"My mother died during childbirth so I grew up with my dad. His name was David," and she smiles when she says his name. "The day I learned that it was my fault that my mom had died I swore to myself that I would spend the rest of my life making it up to him. So I did everything that my dad told me that my mom used to do. Or at least I tried to. I tried to not be afraid of anything even though I was. I tried to make sure that there was always dinner, that my dad always had company or someone to talk to. I tried to take care of everybody. I was miserable. I hated myself but I hated everybody else more. They all acted as if they were so happy, as if my mother never mattered or ever existed. But every time someone would look at me I felt them silently blaming me, although they'd never say it out loud."

It's the same thing Abby said.

"I told my dad that I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to leave Amity but where would we go? Anyways, when I was seven years old an opportunity presented itself and he got a job cooking for some people who were staying by the fence, so we went. It was nice when it was just me and him. But then I met this woman who was just as miserable as I was and I appreciated her company so much."

"Misery does love company," I interject quietly.

"Shut up and listen," she says with a small smile as she gently punches me in the shoulder. "Anyways, when I found her I was relieved that there were people in this world who were brave enough to let themselves battle through real emotion. And no matter how hard it got, because it got harder for her, she never stopped fighting. She was pregnant and alone and scared. But I was her friend and I could feel somehow that she loved and accepted me for all that I was. I loved her too." Rae smiles at this for a while.

"She never knew that I had blamed myself for my mother's death. But I saw the way she loved her own baby even before he was born and I knew that my mother wouldn't want me to blame myself. So I forgave myself. We healed each other and we were happy. That year was the first time I ever celebrated the day of my birth. And as it came closer to the end it's like we peaked somehow. We were floating on a cloud. But life did what it always does, and it tore everything away from us."

"The government found out about the people camping by the wall and believed that they were conspiring somehow. So they attacked. There was smoke and gunfire and a lot of screaming. We ran as fast as we could've, but it wasn't fast enough. Soldiers found her and shot her in the thigh and she couldn't run anymore. I went to look for help and I saw a man leaning on a tree. He was covered in blood. I wouldn't have approached him if I didn't realize that it was my own father. When I got to him he told me that he didn't have much time left. He handed me a gun. And at first I didn't want to take it, but he told me it was my mother's lucky gun and that it would keep me safe. When he was gone I ran back to her. As I was getting closer I realized that she wasn't alone." And then she pauses for a bit.

"There was a soldier holding her at gunpoint but he seemed conflicted. I guess he didn't want to shoot a pregnant woman. I wasn't so hesitant though. I knew that I had to kill him or she would die. It wasn't a difficult choice to make. So I aimed and I pulled the trigger. I didn't even know I could aim a gun until that day. I couldn't move," she says, her voice cracking. "It's like the sound of the gunshot paralyzed me. She came over to me and took the gun out of my hand. And we were both shaking. To make matters worse, she was in labour. So she sent me away on an impossible mission. Probably because she knew that the likelihood of her dying was pretty high and she didn't want me to see that. I didn't want to see it either, so I ran. I ran for miles." Her eyes gloss over but it's like she wills the tears back inside her head.

"Anyways," she then says, "Four was a part of the rescue team. He found me and he didn't want to leave me because he knew my father. And now I'm here."

"Rae…" I say softly. I reach out slowly to touch her but she pulls away.

"I don't wanna talk about this ever again. Go to bed. And don't pull this stunt again. You can visit your girlfriend after initiation." She turns to leave but then she looks back and says, "And Alex, please don't get caught. I'd hate to have to kill someone else."

With that she walks away and I'm left paralyzed by the chasm. I don't know what to say.

I never knew what Rae's story was but I never imagined it was _that._ Suddenly, I feel like an ass for asking.

* * *

 **A/N: I know you guys are missing Tobias and Tris right now, but I promise you they are not doing anything worth talking about lol. They're at home and Chris is trying his best to cheer them up cause they all miss the twins so much. The day after tomorrow is visiting day, and they will take Christian to go see his beloved Uncle Caleb. And that's about it :)**  
 **We'll be hearing from Tobias in Chapter 25 and then after that he'll be more frequent, so hold tight :)**

 **And I loved all of your reviews on the last chapter! I could not stop reading them :)**  
 **Please do leave me some more amazing reviews on this chapter :)**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: Hey Guys :) Just some info on the last chapter before you read this one. Rae had to change some of the details so as to not reveal to Alex that the woman in her story was actually Tris. So he still has no idea what his parents are hiding from him. Just in case we were confused about that :)  
Now back to the story :)**

* * *

 **24\. Face your Fears**

 **ALEX**

"Man is it good to see you." Dominic slaps me on the shoulder and sits in the empty seat on my left. "After capture the flag and the stage two rankings none of the other transfers want to sit with me."

"They're sore losers," I say to him. "I told you, Dom. You're Dauntless." We fist bump. "And after today that's official."

It's the last day of Initiation, the day we take our final test. Most of the initiates are shaking, transfers and Dauntless-born alike. Today is supposed to be a big day after all, the day we officially become Dauntless members, and this test defines our final rankings and ultimately the rest of our lives. I just want it to be over so that I can see Abby again. I miss her. I always miss her.

"It had better be. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep, man," Dom says as he fake sobs. "It's so depressing. One half of The Wonder Twins is my only friend."

I pat him soothingly on the back as I chuckle lightly. "It's ok," I say. "To be honest, my people aren't fans of me either."

"Of course not. Not after the way you jacked up West's face."

"I can't take all the credit for that," I shrug wickedly.

"Yeah, you're right. He's always had a face only a mother could love."

I chuckle at this. "I don't even think _she_ loves him. After he was born she didn't even know what to call him so she just named him after whichever direction the wind was blowing."

Then Dominic and I are both laughing like idiots. I haven't really been able to hang out with Dani during initiation and Anna's been busy with Jessica and their new Candor-born friends Erin and Kati, so Dom kept me company. We've become close over the last few weeks. I guess I have _two_ friends now. He's not what you'd expect from a Candor transfer, chatty and tactless. He actually reminds me of what Dauntless _should_ be. I really hope he stays that way.

"You're such an asshole," Annabelle decides to interrupt our laughter from where she sits; the seat to my right.

"You're the only person who thinks that."

"That's because I'm the only person that knows you," she counters cheekily.

"Actually, I agree with the lady," Dominic says, still smiling. "You _are_ an asshole. Just not the shitty kind."

"Aaaww," I say, pressing a hand to my heart as Annabelle chuckles beside me.

"Hey, Annabelle." Dom leans over and peers his eyes around me to look at my sister. I instinctively stiffen. "You ready?"

She leans over too and by the look on her face she's going to flirt with him.

 _Great…_

"I was born ready," she says.

"I'm sure you were." Dom smiles and Anna bites her lip trying to hide a blush. She fails horribly. I'm suddenly glad that I'm sitting in between them. Annabelle looks like she'd attack him if I weren't.

"Anyways you guys, I gotta go before Jakey catches a fit," Dom says while pushing himself up off the seat. "I'm up soon. Good luck to you both."

"Thanks, man. You too," I say, and he nods before turning around to leave. My sister's eyes follow him as he walks away, joining the only other transfer left to go through the final test. He's going last since he's the highest ranking transfer.

"He is so beautiful," Annabelle whispers beside me, still staring at Dominic's figure. But then she looks at me with wide eyes and realization as her memories begin to surface and her mind puts the pieces together.

 _Oh shit_

"I thought you said he was a horrible, horrible person?!" she almost yells. " _You're_ a horrible, horrible person, Alex; keeping that away from me. How could you?" She slaps me hard on the arm.

"I-," And then I'm not sure what else to say. I don't really have a defence.

"What did you tell him about me? He looks at me different," she whimpers.

"I- I kinda told him you were into girls," I say, scratching the back of my neck.

"Alex!" Annabelle shouts at full volume and I immediately cower in my seat, aware yet unaware that everybody's looking at us.

"I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm totally kidding." I hold up my hands in surrender. But it's not like the thought never crossed my mind. He obviously likes her. And she, him.

My sister tackles me and I'm almost sure that she'll strangle me, but the sound of the buzzer signalling the start of Dominic's test distracts her and saves me. When he's done, the Dauntless born are up. Anna glares at me nastily as she lets me go and we all get up to stand in the back of the room, waiting until the door opens again. I reciprocate her glare with an innocent smile. She won't stay mad for long.

"Dauntless-Born," Rae announces as she finally steps out and closes the door behind her. "The order in which you go through the final test was taken from your rankings as they now stand. Timothy, you're first. Alex will go last."

Annabelle and I have been head to head since the beginning of initiation. I'm only ahead of her because she threw the fight with Stacy. But she has fewer fears than I do, so at this point it's anybody's game.

When Dominic leaves we watch everyone enter the fear landscape room one by one. It's not really interesting to watch. Only the leaders watching the monitors can see what fears we're reacting to. Most likely my father won't be one of them, to avoid allegations of biasedness when my sister or I rank first.

Not like his presence would make a difference at this point. The rules say we're not supposed to prepare for the aptitude test or for this, but Anna and I have both been through our fear landscapes before. We're more than prepared for this. I'm not sure if that's fair to everyone else, but my very fair dad didn't seem to care when he bent those rules.

Everyone around us is sweating, shaking, unsure of what their worst fears are or how to face them and Annabelle is picking at her nail polish. At least we don't have to worry about being careful during the test since everyone will be aware, not just us. Stage two was tricky since Anna and I were vehemently warned to not manipulate the simulation.

Why is the fact that we are able to do that such a dangerous thing? That's question number four.

Not before long, we're up and Annabelle goes through quickly. It doesn't take that long to get past five fears. Especially since none of them are things that she actually needs to be afraid of. When she's done, the leaders are quick to congratulate her. They all seemed to be absolutely amazed that she only has five fears. I don't know why they're surprised. She is her father's daughter.

"Alex," Rae says, ushering me in. Annabelle walks out calmly and gives me a small smile as she walks past me. Nonchalantly, I walk to the front of the room.

"Ok. Let's pretend you've never done this before," Rae whispers as she plunges the syringe into my neck, pushing the orange liquid into my veins. She won't be able to see the screen, but she already knows what some of my fears are from stage two. I don't mind having let her inside my head though, especially after everything that she's shared with me about her past. I haven't even told Anna about it. It just feels too personal.

I barely feel the needle go in, and when Rae draws it out I walk into the next room and face the window. It looks like a mirror on this side and I can see my reflection staring back at me. My hair looks a bit unkempt, filling the gap that's usually between my head and my ears, and my eyes look wider than usual. I almost look younger.

And then my image disappears as I slowly sink into a less than conscious state. I am taken away, off to face my seven fears.

The walls disappear and the roof above me becomes a bright, cloudless sky. I don't need to look down or even around me to know what fear this is. The concrete floor below me turns to earth and begins to shake and break apart. The ground around me falls away while the tiny mountain where I stand rises higher and higher into the sky. The wind slams hard into my body, threatening to throw me off and I can barely breathe. I become dizzy as I watch the ground sink lower until it disappears into blackness. I close my eyes and stretch out my arms like a bird and I jump off, forgetting the height and soaring into the sky.

I land in a large body of water. The kind I've only read about. At first my collision with the water stings, but then the cold water rushing against my skin is refreshing. Suddenly I feel my right arm yank backwards and then the left and then both of my arms are tied behind my back. I feel myself sinking faster into the deep and when I look down there's a large rock tied to my ankles, pulling me down. I'm helpless, limited and from past experience I know that no matter how hard I fight I won't be able to break myself free. I'm dying and I won't survive without help. My second fear comes from the thought of my loved ones having to endanger their lives in order to save mine.

My mother taught me how to beat this fear. She says that the people who love you are willing to fight for you just as much as you are willing to fight for the people _you_ love, and that it's okay to let them. I close my eyes and I silently call for help. My lungs burn but I know that someone is coming to save me so I hold on. When I open my eyes there's a large grey animal swimming toward me. Whatever the hell it is, it scoops me up on its back and it pushes me to the surface. I breathe in and the air is like fire to my starving lungs.

I'm standing on the water now, my wrists and ankles are freed and I'm breathing heavily. I smile at the animal as it swims away and the sea below me becomes rough and dark. Storm clouds cover the sky and it begins to rain. I hear a loud wailing below my feet and I see the large fish swimming back up to me. But it's changed. It's darker, its teeth sharper and its mouth is wide open ready to swallow me.

Betrayal.

It snaps at me and I begin to run on top of the waves, but the animal is faster than I am. How does one overcome betrayal? I smile as I think about Anna. She forgives. I stop running and I turn to face my friend turned foe. I close my eyes and I let him swallow me.

Then I'm in the darkness. I flick on a flashlight that I imagine is in my hands. I'm lying face up in a wooden box, a casket, dressed in a black suit. I'm not afraid of death. I'm not even afraid of how I die. I'm afraid that there's nothing after it. That we're all just a coincidence and that our existence and everything we do throughout it is vain, passing.

I imagine that the top of the wooden box is a door and I push it open. I see my late grandparents- or at least what my mom told me that they looked like- stretch down and pull me out of the casket and the ground below me disappears. We're standing in mid-air in a white room. "Welcome," my grandmother says to me and she embraces me.

As I hug her back she disappears and I'm in a large house I don't recognize. I begin to walk around it. My fifth fear should be my father watching me fail him over and over again. It should be me listening to words that he has never spoken to me in real life. My fifth fear is being a son that my father cannot be proud of. I search the house for him but he's not here. I hear a noise upstairs so I walk up quietly. As I walk past the first door I hear clattering inside and I open it. Inside is Annabelle and a strange man. This is fear number six. Why did it skip number five?

"No!" Annabelle screams as she holds out her arms in front of her face. The man hits her again and again and she's calling out to me. My fists clench at my side but I mustn't intervene. This isn't about her. This is about me being afraid to let her go. "You can do it Anna. You can beat him," I say.

"No, I can't, Alex!" she screams.

"Yes, you can!" My voice is trembling. I know it's not real but it feels real. I feel like my genome has hardwired every cell in my body to protect her even though I know she's more than capable of protecting herself. "You're strong, Anna. You're stronger than he is. You can beat him."

She looks at me through tear stained eyes and she asks, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am," I reply, and she charges at him hitting him hard in the face. She overpowers him, pinning him to the floor face down. She looks up at me and smiles and then the image before me crumbles away.

I fall and I land on my bed in my old room. I hate this one. I hear them screaming down the hall but I've run to them before so I know that it doesn't matter how fast I run. By the time I get there they'll all be dead. I try to control my breathing as I hold on to the doorknob and I twist it. I push the door open and I see my parents lying on the living room floor covered in blood. My sisters are lying dead in the kitchen and my little brother is thrown across the counter. My palms are sweaty and my heart is racing, but I need to slow it down if I want to get out of this nightmare.

I close my eyes and try to calm myself. Eventually I do but when I open my eyes I'm standing in a dark round, cave. The simulation is supposed to be over.

Why am I still here?

I see two figures standing side by side at the back of the cave. I walk toward them slowly. My chest becomes tight and I swallow hard. I don't know what this is. As I get closer I realize that the person on the left is my mother and the person on the right is Abigail. The cave begins to shake and the ground parts in half directly between my feet. Like thunder, the crack in the floor makes its way to the back of the cave and it pulls my feet apart. I jump backwards and I lift my head as I hear a scream.

They fall as the ground beneath them gives way and they grab on to the precipice. Both halves of the cave move farther and farther apart. I need to save them. My eyes switch from the left to the right. I can only save one. But which one?

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't.

They both scream and fall into the abyss and I tear at my chest and I scream with them. I hear my scream echoing and I look around to find myself in a dense forest.

 _This cannot be happening!_

Alex," I hear her voice whisper behind me. I spin around fast.

"Abigail," I say as I reach out to touch her face. It's painted, she looks older. Her hair is longer and her curls fall loosely over a long, beautiful white dress that scrapes the grass. It's a wedding dress.

"I'm so glad you could make it," she grins. "Come on." She pulls me by the arm and we race through the trees.

Where are we going? Why is she in my fear landscape? Why is she in a wedding dress?

We run until we arrive at the edge of the forest, where there's a brown haired man dressed in yellow and orange waiting for her. He stretches out his hand and she releases mine and takes his.

 _Oh no_

He takes her face into his palms and he brings her lips to his.

"NO!"I think I scream out as he kisses her in a way that I've only dreamt of doing.

I'm frozen. I've stopped breathing. My heart has stopped beating. I know I've been afraid that we won't be able to stay together, but I didn't know how deep that fear went, or how much she meant to me until I had to stand here and feel what it feels like to watch her be with someone else.

"Abby, no," I whisper. She turns to look at me and my heart breaks. I fall to my knees and I bury my head in the ground.

"No," I whisper again.

I'm not even aware that the simulation has ended when I feel a hand touch my shoulder. I open my eyes and I look up to see Rae standing in front of me. She takes my hand and pulls me up off the floor. I don't look at her. I've just faced two new fears. One of them broke me and I know it's plastered on my face.

She gasps as if she wants to say something, but changes her mind.

Justin, Jake and some of the Dauntless leaders walk in a couple seconds later. Everybody congratulates me except Jake. Eight fears is still exceptional and my time was still excellent. But I'm not in a mood to be congratulated. I nod and I start toward the door but just before I'm about to leave the room Jake's hand closes around my elbow.

"Are you ok?" he asks. He must have been watching. It's strange, seeing concern in his eyes. But I don't need his sympathy.

"I'm fine." He lets go of my arm and I walk away but I feel his eyes following me.

I sneak away from the crowd, walking along the edge of the Pit on a narrow path that leads to the rocks at the bottom of the chasm. My dad showed it to me. It blends in with the rock wall so nobody really knows that it's there. It's where I go when I want to think or be alone.

I reach the end of the path and stand at the bottom of the chasm where the rocks form unsteady ground, rising up at harsh angles from the rushing water. I sit down when I find my spot, and as I try to make sense of it all I watch the violent water crash against the rocks below my feet. I stare at it as it carries away pieces of trash, floating bottles, whatever people think to throw in it. I don't know how long I stare at it or how long I'm down here, but eventually my twin sister finds me. She sits beside me and takes my hand but she doesn't say anything for a while.

"What happened in there, Alex?" She asks finally, carefully.

"I got over one of my fears," I say, not sure where to begin.

"That's a good thing right?" she asks, confused.

"I have two new ones." And I turn to face her.

"What are they?"

"I had to choose between our family and Abigail. It was horrible." I swallow hard. I had never even considered that one day I might have to make that choice. "Then I had to watch her marry some random Amity guy."

Anna places her hand on my back and leans on my shoulder as she takes it in. Our fear landscapes are a virtual representation of our greatest fears, which in themselves are a reflection of our values, our greatest desires and all that matters most to us no matter how deep into our subconscious they are embedded. Your last fear is your worst fear. In it you will learn what you value most, what you desire most, or what you love most.

The fact that Abigail is featured in my worst fears means that I cherish her a whole lot more than I ever let myself admit. I've always been afraid to fall in love. The more you love, the more you have to lose. But it's too late for that now. Because I'm already in love with her. I think I _have_ been since the first time I laid eyes on her.

"I'm sorry," Annabelle says quietly. "I didn't know you felt so much for her. We'll just have to work harder to win her over to the dark side." I chuckle. "I can help you in any way you need."

"Thanks," I say, idly throwing a pebble into the water.

"And you have my permission to choose her if it ever comes down to it. That way you can go be someone else's problem."

"Anna-"

"I'm serious. Don't argue," she insists. I won't. It's not something I want to think about.

"Okay," I concede.

"So which fear did you lose?" she asks after a while.

"That dad wasn't proud of me."

"Took you long enough," Anna says with a light scoff. She has always insisted that our father was proud of us both. "So you watched my abusive husband beat me up again?" she asks.

"Yes I did."

She shakes her head. "You don't need to worry about me so much, Alex," Anna whines.

"Yes I do. I don't trust Dauntless boys and you don't see the way guys look at you," I say sternly.

"Well, let them look!" her voice squeaks. "That's all they can do. And I'll end up with a 'Dauntless boy' one day whether you like it or not." She makes quotation marks in the air with her fingers. "And don't you think I'd know if a guy were abusive or not?"

"I'm sure that's what Grandma said too," I say softly.

"Alex," she says, searching my eyes. "Is that what this is about?" She takes a deep breath before she carefully says, "That won't happen to me."

Damn right it won't.

"And you know I can kick every single one of their asses if they try to lay a finger on me," she adds.

"I know," I say. She sure did prove that in stage one of training. "But that's not the only thing I'm worried about."

"Then what is it?"

"I just don't want you to get hurt… emotionally." I shrug.

Anna pinches her eyebrows together but they slowly come apart in understanding. "Oh," she says.

"I'm afraid you won't see it coming," I say.

"Why?" she asks. "Because I'm _so_ nice? You sound like dad."

"Because it's true, Anna. You're so thoughtful toward other people who don't even like you, or remotely care about you," I explain.

"Is this about the fight with Stacy?"

"No, but it's a good example. She manipulated you to make herself look superior. You don't think she knew that you could kick her ass but wouldn't?"

"That's where you're wrong," Anna says, shaking her head a little. "I knew what she was doing."

My eyebrows furrow when I ask, "So why'd you throw the fight?"

"I wanted to help her anyways. She really would have been factionless. Nobody deserves that, no matter how manipulative they are."

I look at her in disbelief. I always assumed that my sister let people take advantage of her because she was naïve. I never considered that she wasn't but chose to be kind regardless.

"You would have done the same thing for me," she adds.

"I guess sometimes being selfless and being kind aren't that different," I say, although countless times I have doubted my second aptitude. There's not a selfless bone in my body. Stacy could've gone to hell for all I care.

"Sometimes," Anna smirks. "Besides, by the time I was finished training Erin and Kati they both kicked her ass."

"You are so passive aggressive, you know that?"

"Yes. And stop worrying about me, Alex. My heart isn't the one you should be worrying about," she says as she places a kiss on my cheek. "Now let's get outta here and get some food."

Anna stands to her feet and so do I. We begin to make our way through the rocks when she says, "Oh, you know I outranked you right?"

I laugh. "Yeah, whatever." I expected as much.

* * *

 **A/N: I hope that by the end of this chapter you guys have a better understanding as to why Alex is so overprotective of Anna. Even though he never knew his grandfather, he feels the responsibility to protect his sister from men like him.  
And don't worry. The mystery of Jake **_**will**_ **be revealed.  
Just in case you guys were wondering what Anna's fears are, here they are since they won't be mentioned during the story:  
1) The dark (Which we already knew from previous chapters)  
2) Large hairy spiders  
3) Being forced to use her skills to hurt someone, even in self-defence  
4) Not finding a guy within Dauntless that's compatible with her personality (Ergo being alone)  
5) That Dauntless will try and change who she is, forcing her to be ruthless and cruel**

 **Please let me know what you guys thought of this chapter! :)**


	25. Chapter 25

**25\. Initiation Day**

 **TOBIAS**

My wife and I walk with silent excitement as we make our way through the thick crowd. It's not too difficult. Upon recognizing who we are, people tend to just move aside. Tris walks with authority, her blue-grey eyes glancing up at me every now and again. It's provocative. She steps closer to me and like instinct my hand finds the small of her back, gently ushering her forward.

My eyes tentatively scan her face every time she looks up at me. When we were here eight years ago for Rae's initiation, it had brought back some painful memories for Tris and she almost broke down. So many years have passed since her own initiation day, but sometimes it all still haunts her; the death of her parents, the guilt of killing her friend Will. She seems fine today. Still, I hold her a little bit closer.

The dining hall is loud, filled with the clanking of glasses and half-drunken shouts of merriment. Initiation day is always a grand celebration in Dauntless and almost the entire faction comes out, except for the younger kids. Things tend to get a bit wild as the festivities progress.

Christian was heartbroken that he couldn't be here. He misses his brother and sister. I was almost tempted to fetch him from school and bring him. He's probably smarter than his teacher is anyway so missing one day wouldn't do him any harm, and he already knows how wild his faction can be. But Chris is Tris' baby, sweet and innocent, and I think she's trying to keep him that way for as long as she possibly can.

We missed the first half of the banquet, but the large screen still displays the initiate rankings.

 _1\. Anna  
2\. Alex  
3\. Dominic  
4\. Leanna  
5\. Jessica_

Tris' face lights up at the sight of our children's names in the top two slots, and my own chest feels like it's about to burst with pride as we are greeted by congratulations and handshakes from the other Dauntless leaders. Nineteen years and a million handshakes later, the gesture still feels awkward.

"Alex will never hear the end of that," Tris says, her arm sliding around my waist. I press my face into her hair and chuckle. I certainly did not hear the end of her being right about Alex not switching factions. But I didn't mind it. I was entirely glad that my worries were needless.

Through the crowds of people in the dining hall, I see Rae sitting alone at a large table. She smiles and waves at me, eagerly calling me toward her. I nudge Tris in that direction since she's too small to see above the crowd and I let out a light laugh as I see Rae energetically chasing a couple away from the table.

"Where have you two been?" she asks as she embraces us both. "Do you know how hard it is to reserve a table right now? It's almost impossible."

"Apparently it's not _too_ hard when you're Raelene Summers," Tris says quietly and she takes her place at the table. We didn't even tell Rae that we were coming today. She probably knew that we would have ditched work the same way we did on her own initiation day. The council can wait. My family always comes first, and days like these are worthy of celebration.

"Yeah, well five more minutes and I'm almost sure I would've had to start hitting people."

"They'd hit you back," Tris says with a laugh.

"They'd miss," Rae counters.

I laugh as I take my seat beside Tris. When she and I trained Rae we were both amazed at how fast she learned how to fight. The Dauntless was evident in her blood. And when I administered her aptitude test I was not surprised to learn that she was in fact 100% Dauntless.

"Where are the twins?" Tris asks, suddenly realizing that they're not at the table.

Rae shrugs. "You know Alex hates attention. He's probably waiting for everyone else to leave before he walks in. And by then the food will all be gone. So… I'm gonna go do that now," she says, making her way over to the buffet, and Tris and I eventually take turns getting up to take our food too.

Everyone is lost in loud conversation and horseplay, but that doesn't stop more than a few heads from turning when Alex and Annabelle finally enter the dining hall. They walk quickly but not quickly enough to avoid some cheers, congratulations and some hard claps on the shoulder. They are no longer just the children of a well-respected Dauntless leader and ambassador. They have earned their own respect, and among the Dauntless respect is golden.

Alex throws his arm around his sister's neck and they whisper back and forth as they walk through the mass of people. They both grin from ear to ear when they see us and immediately start to walk over to our table. I let out a breath as their eyes lock on mine, a breath that I have been holding for the past few weeks. I've missed them more than I could ever say.

Tris tries to contain her grin and I know that she probably wants to jump out of her seat and squeeze them both. She's always adamant to not embarrass them in public, as if she ever could. Alex told her once that he is aware that the typical Dauntless parents are not as affectionate as his are, and that he doesn't think that's anything to be embarrassed about. I think he's right.

"Where were you two?" Tris asks, pulling Annabelle into a tight hug as she forces herself into the tiny space between us. "We've been waiting for you."

I stand and I pull my son close and give him a hard slap in the back. "Well done," I say, barely able to stop myself from grinning. Sometimes pride is such a hard thing to contain.

"Thanks, dad," Alex speaks into my shoulder. "I had to go cry," he says as he goes to sit beside Rae on the other side of the table. "After Anna beat me…." And he trails off, shaking his head.

"Yeah, I had to go scrape him off the floor. It was sad," Annabelle taunts, but I know they're just pulling each other's legs. Ranking first means less to them than it does to everybody else. "You all missed Jake's speech by the way," she adds. "It was absolutely lovely."

I can see Rae rolling her eyes at the comment as she takes a sip of her drink. "Oh so you like him now?" she says. "After all the stunts he pulled during training? It's ok now because he delivers a beautiful speech?" And she scoffs. "You need to speak to him, Four," she says to me, sternly.

"Forgiveness, Rae," Annabelle says mockingly, "Forgiveness."

It's an interesting choice of words. Rae has never forgiven Jake for breaking up with her. Three years later and she still loves him. I'm still curious as to why exactly he did that. He is obviously miserable.

"Yeah? Tell that to Stacy. I don't like the girl," Rae says to Annabelle. "In fact, I want to throw her in front of a speeding train. Twice."

"And then ask the driver to reverse," Alex mumbles under his breath.

"-But he's been trying to get her kicked out since day one, even though she was passing every single stage of training." Rae looks at me and says, "We're supposed to be fair, right?"

I give her an understanding nod. "I'll speak to him," I say. Jake's not a bad guy. I think he just needs some direction, the same way Amar directed me.

"I'm sure it was a beautiful speech and that Jake is really a butterfly at heart, where it all matters," Alex cuts in, smiling at his sisters and lightening the mood when he finally gets Rae to smile.

"Yeah, whatever," she says groggily, dragging out the words.

"Aren't you guys supposed to be at work?" Alex then says, his gaze shifting from his mother to me and back.

"Work? We wouldn't miss this for the world," Tris says, the corners of her lips tugging upwards. "We just wanted to congratulate you. We're proud of you both." She rubs at Annabelle's hair.

"Not surprised," I interject, still unable to keep a grin from taking hold on my face, "but still very proud."

I knew they were more than ready even before they completed their training. As far as they know we were training them for initiation, but they've been equipped for war. I can only hope that they never need those particular skills. I know that one day I will have to tell them the truth. I only didn't because when they started training they were young and I never wanted them to walk these halls with fear of who and what they were. The truth is a burden, and I loved watching them being happy in a way I only ever was much later on in my life.

"I hope Rae wasn't too hard on you guys," I say. But before the twins can answer Tris gives me an incredulous look and then says, "The way you weren't too hard on me, _Four_?" She scowls my name.

"That was different, Tris," I say, purposefully using what they all refer to as my 'instructor voice'.

"No it wasn't, dad," Alex says with a slight chuckle, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder and shaking his head. The kids found it pretty scandalous when Tris and I told them how we met, and that we had gotten together even before training was over. "But don't worry. Rae was a fantastic trainer," he says, winking at his older sister.

"The other initiates were calling them The Wonder Twins," Rae says with a laugh. "They would have been the top two whether I was there or not, so eventually I just started being nice to them."

"I heard a rumour that most of the other initiates had more fears than both of my children combined," I say, bragging a little and chewing on a piece of chicken. "The other leaders seemed very impressed, especially with Annabelle."

"Well, five fears isn't as impressive as four, dad," she replies. I recall Tris telling me something similar once.

"I wonder if fears are genetic," Rae suggests. "And Four has some kind of fearless DNA floating around in his sperm." I laugh, hitting my hand on the table.

"Yeah, but how does four and six give you eight?" Alex says, and my eyes instantly land on him. As far as I know he only has seven fears. He must have seen a new one today. He doesn't seem too spooked though so I don't ask him about it.

I've always kept my fears private. Tris is the only one who has seen my fear landscape and knows what all four of my fears are. So I figured it was only fair to respect my children's privacy as well. I didn't hook myself up to the computer when I made them go through their fear landscapes. It felt intruding just being there. So I don't know the nature of their fears, just the quantity.

"Yeah, but that's still barely above half the average," Rae says to Alex.

"How many fears do _you_ have, Rae?" Annabelle asks.

" _That_ is none of your business, baby sister."

And just like it always does, one conversation leads to another. And even though Christian isn't here and we're surrounded by loud music and Dauntless chaos, it's like dinner at home all over again. I've missed this. The house really does feel empty without them, but at least they'll still be nearby.

Tomorrow, in their first act as members of Dauntless, they'll both have to choose their professions. Since they're ranked first and second they'll be expected to take a government job, although I don't see either of them doing that. If they do, I imagine them getting as frustrated as I am in no time, and then switching to something else.

Much has changed since Zeke and I entered Dauntless leadership, but the ruthless nature of the Dauntless is still prominent, and any change requires much effort. Maybe if they _do_ join leadership it will make it easier to finally render Justin's position on certain matters void. He's a young leader, but for some reason he carries as much influence as Zeke or I do.

When the conversations peter out and Annabelle is tucked gently into my side, I realize that I want to take her home and tuck her in bed like I used to do when she was little. There once was a time when Tris was all I needed. But ever since the day they were born, I've needed my children too and I don't care to hide it. I gently brush at my daughter's hair and say, "I know you guys will be getting your own place, and jobs. But…" I pause. "Don't be strangers, ok?"

"Of course not," they answer in unison. It makes me smile and I try to resist the urge to make a twin joke in Christian's absence. Annabelle sees the smirk on my face.

"Dad, please, no twin jokes," she begs.

"I'll do you one better," I say. "A set of Candor triplets-"

"Oh God," Annabelle interrupts.

"-Bu, Chu and Fu all chose the coals on choosing day so that they could stay together. When they got to Dauntless their instructor said, _Oh my, what strange names you have. You can all choose more Dauntless sounding names for yourselves if you'd like._ So, Bu chose the name Buck, Chu chose the name Chuck and Fu…-" I pause briefly for dramatic effect, "-went back to Candor."

Rae convulses with laughter and Tris is snickering into the palm of her hand. But Alex scratches his head and says, "I don't get it."

"Well thank God Fu was smarter than _you_ are," Annabelle says with a loud laugh as she bangs on the table. Everyone laughs at Alex as his face contorts in confusion. He'll get it eventually.

Then Annabelle looks up at me and smiles. "I missed you so much, dad," she whispers.

"I missed you too, baby girl."

"I still don't get it…"

* * *

 **A/N: If you're like Alex and didn't get the joke, read it until you get it lol It's not original by the way. It's actually about Chinese triplets who migrated to the USA, I just Divergentified it.**

 **If you're unsure as to why Tobias has a soft spot for Jake, revisit Chapter 12, a little before the end of the Council meeting. The key to this story is paying attention to the tiny details ;)**

 **This is me after reading that really wonderful Guest review from the last chapter - =D**  
 **Thank YOU Guest reviewer, and everyone else who keeps reviewing or has reviewed/favourited/followed. I have a very demanding job, and editing/finishing a chapter requires me to beat the sun at rising. So it means a ton knowing that you guys appreciate it :)**

 **Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)**


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: Another longish author's note brought to you by:**

 **1) IceFire15! Thank you for being my 150th reviewer! Like free WiFi, my dear, you are simply the best :)**

 **2) Echo in the Whispering Wind! A HUGE shout out to you. Thank you so much for reviewing as you go along! :) I was delighted to come and find all of your reviews. It was an awesome way to start my week. May your days be filled with skittles and chocolate. (Unless your allergic lol).**

 **3) And everybody else! I passed my 10,000 views milestone for this story on the last chapter. Thank you guys so much for all your support :)**

 **Now back to the story:**  
 **The next few chapters have some important time skips but I won't be labelling them because they're well described within each chapter and I think the story flows better without me posting a stamp above each time skip. So please read attentively, and please do enjoy this chapter :)**

* * *

 **26\. The Fence**

 **ALEX**

Today's the day; my first day as an independent member of Dauntless. It doesn't feel any different than any other day, except for the fact that for the first few seconds of it, I don't actually remember where I am.

The ceiling is a strange colour, and instead of the wooden fan that usually circles above my head, there's a round light fixture. The walls are painted grey and there are no windows, but there are three shunts broken through the wall for light and air; one in the kitchen, one in the bathroom and one in the bedroom. I have no living room, but the kitchen and bathroom are of a decent size. The apartment is built for one person. It's small. I like it.

Still, it feels strange waking up to an empty apartment. I keep expecting my twin sister to pop out of the locker, or to step out of the bathroom. But she doesn't, and she won't. I don't think I'll ever get used to that. Anna's always been like an extra limb, a third eye, that voice in your head that just won't go away.

The silence is bittersweet, but I will myself to adapt to the newness of it all. This is home now, after all. I may be the only initiate who asked to live alone. My father found that funny for some reason.

Just as I expected, Annabelle moved in with Erin, Kati and Jessica, and she took up on Tori's job offer at the tattoo parlour. Tori has been wanting my sister to take it over ever since she saw the designs Anna made for us. She's excited to start working, as she is about most things, but this is different. Anna loves art, and she's great at it.

I'm uncharacteristically enthusiastic about work too. There is absolutely nothing exciting about being a fence guard. There aren't too many advancement opportunities, but it gives me a chance to see Abigail every day. Besides, given my rank at initiation and my parents' social status, I can change it whenever I want to.

With me and Anna out of the picture, that leaves two 'top five' jobs open. I bet whoever ranked sixth and seventh are counting their lucky stars.

Everyone thinks I'm crazy, but it was really a no-brainer. I knew that I would choose to be a fence guard. I knew it even before initiation ever began, even though I told my parents at the banquet that I wasn't sure what job I wanted yet. I know they'd support whatever decision I make, but my mother has a knack for detecting sketchiness. I'd rather they not ask me why I want this job. I'm not sure they'd approve of my relationship with Abby. It's kind of illegal, but since she's still a dependent she won't get in any trouble if we get caught. My father would kill me dead, but he'd bail me out.

After Abby chooses, if she goes back to Amity, it will be _completely_ illegal and then no one would be able to help us. We'd be at the mercy of the council, and without the possibility of my father's intervention. I have to make sure it never comes to that.

Accepting the challenge and ready to do whatever it takes to be with her, I jump out of bed like a man with a purpose. I take a quick shower and eagerly get dressed for my first day of work. I have no idea how I'll find Abby and she has no idea that I'm coming. And I can't really just walk around Amity in broad daylight looking for her. I'll figure that part out later since that worked out so well for me last time.

I hop on the train with the other new guards. A tall, blond woman named Britni begins to give a speech about how important our job is and how the patrols work. I ignore her. Instead I look around to see who I'm working with. But there's only one face I recognize. Timothy. He looks as if he's attempting to pierce holes through my face with his stare. Probably wondering what the hell I'm doing here.

"What are you looking at?" I bark. He quickly turns his head and fixes his eyes elsewhere for the rest of the ride. I'm glad he made it through initiation. I had my doubts.

Almost an hour later when the train slows, we jump off and make our way further outside the city. My aunt Shauna usually works out here, but she's on maternity leave. That has actually turned out to be quite convenient, since she'd report any suspicious activity to my parents. I have to remember to thank my little cousin for that when he gets here.

Britni gives us a tour, stopping at each guard sector to explain the dos and don'ts. I'll never understand the purpose of guarding the fence. What exactly are we guarding it from? It's not like there's anything out there. At best, it was a job created in order to give the Dauntless something else to do, keep them out of trouble.

I see a chain-link fence with barbed wire strung along the top. It continues farther than I can see, making its way around the entire city. Past the fence are clusters of trees, a variety of plants and an orchard much bigger than the one inside. I see men and women dressed in red and orange, laughing as they plant seeds and pull weeds from the soil. They make farming look a lot more fun than I imagine it truly is.

Walking around on the other side of the fence are Dauntless guards carrying guns. At least I have _that_ to look forward to. I shield my eyes from the morning sun as I look beyond the fence and it dawns on me that this is mostly an outdoor job. This is gonna suck entirely once it starts to snow.

After a full morning of mock patrolling with Britni I become utterly impatient. I have no interest in protecting the city from nothing and I'd prefer if this day carried on a little faster. Abby is most likely at school, and when she gets back she has no reason to come by the fence. Which means that I'll probably have to hang around here until sundown and then throw pebbles at her window again.

We come to a stop next to a large gate in the fence. It's more than twice my height and ridiculously wide. A few of the guards pull the gate open to admit a truck. It looks old, like it shouldn't even be running still.

When it stops just inside the gate, a man with a huge belly jumps out of the driver's side. He wears a friendly smile, one that reminds me of Anna's. The back of the truck is open and I look to see a few Amity sitting among a stack of crates when I see an all too familiar head of curly, red hair. What is she doing here?

 _Turn around. Turn around. Turn around._

I mentally yell, hoping that if I think loud enough she'll look my direction. And then she does.

"Alex?" she says.

Abby quickly stands in the back of the truck and then hops down. She's wearing a red t-shirt and a pair of black jeans and her hair is let down. She looks almost Dauntless. It's more than a little tantalizing.

She hesitates a little, but then moves toward me and folds her arms around me. Without delay I hug her back. I've waited long enough already. I inhale deeply into her hair. It smells like ripe apples and conditioner. I should let go, but I don't. In Amity people hug each other in greeting all the time, so hopefully the other Dauntless guards don't think too much of it. I do recall Britni's first don't being, _Do not fraternize with the Amity._

"What are you doing here, Alex?" She asks me, looking worried, happy and confused all at the same time.

"It's ok," I say with a reassuring smile as I finally let my arms fall to my side. "I took a job by the fence. I'm allowed to be out here every day, all day if I want to."

"Why would you do that?" And her grin is wide, reaching all the way to her ear.

"Because I'd miss you too much otherwise." I gently trace a finger along the side of her jaw.

"You're amazing," she says, almost like a whisper. She blushes then bites her bottom lip. I always want to kiss her when she does that.

"We can't talk much out here," I say, looking around, suddenly remembering that we're not alone. "Meet me by the tree at sundown ok?" And she nods, smiling. It's funny. There are probably over a million trees on the Amity compound, yet she knows exactly which one I'm talk about.

"Ok," she says, smiling still.

I look over her shoulder and see that the Dauntless guards have finished examining the truck. The driver hops back into the front seat and closes the door behind him. My heart feels heavy all of a sudden.

"Abby!" I hear someone in the truck yell, and then she walks backward for a bit before she turns around and takes off.

The truck begins to move again and I watch it drive down the dirt road, not wanting to lose sight of her for even a second. She waves to me and I give a small wave back. I wish I could be in the back of that old truck with her, laughing and throwing apples at her. Days like these, I really hate the system that governs us. Is factional segregation really the only way to keep the peace?

I hear footsteps behind me and then a squeaky voice says, "Pretty." Timothy.

I give him another threatening glare. He needs to learn where to put and not put his eyes. She's mine.

* * *

Our first late evening date in the orchards by our tree proved to be sensational. It was the first time I got to really look at it. It's a strange tree, a cross breed. Its fruit is unique, taking bits and pieces of its predecessors to form something new and beautiful. It reminds me of Abby and me. It's fitting.

We talked and laughed until the last train left. After a week of that I found myself switching my day shifts for night ones with Timothy. Of course he jumped at the opportunity to get those shifts off his hands. I didn't like having Abby outside in the cold, but then she started to bring her blanket, spending the entire night with me in my sector. I'm pleasantly surprised that her sister is ok with all this.

Today is a better day than yesterday, but being with Abby seems to have that effect on me. I sit with my back against the tree, Abigail comfortably relaxed in my lap, staring at the afternoon sun. We shouldn't be out here this early, but I promised my mother that I'd be home for dinner tonight, which means I'll have to leave earlier today than usual.

"You're so lucky," Abby says, pouting her lips a little. "I wish I could get to see more of the city."

"You've never left Amity?" I ask in confusion, quirking an eyebrow at her.

"Not in a while," she says. "I'm home schooled. I wasn't able to go back to school after my mom died, and when I got a little bit older Sarah said I could continue at home if I wanted to. I don't think she wanted me to go back either," she chuckles.

"Oh," I say. I can't imagine what it would be like to never leave the Dauntless compound. But I guess spending your life outdoors is not the same as being trapped underground. "Come with me," I suggest before I can stop myself. "We'll get on the train and take a spin around the city. We don't have to get off if you don't want to."

Abby's eyes open wide. The colour in them makes the sunlight look pale. "Really?" she asks a little bit too excited. I nod.

She's up and on her feet in less than two seconds, pulling me up with her, or at least trying to. But then she starts to run in the wrong direction and I can't help but laugh.

"Where are you going, Abby?" I shout after her, still standing by the tree.

"This way." She gestures to me with a wave of her arm and I follow suit.

"I can see that," I yell as I run. "But don't they load the train at the _end_ of the tracks?"

"Yeah, but… I wanna see if I can jump on like you do," she says a little breathlessly as she continues to race toward the tracks.

"Really?" I ask, dumbfounded, yet incredibly delighted. If that's what she wants to do, she should save her energy for the train. Although I won't let something as trivial as tiredness stop her from doing this if she really wants to.

"Yeah. You'll have to show me how though. I've never done it before."

She stops at the tracks and hesitantly touches it with the tip of her shoe as if she's testing it. A tender smile creeps up on my face. She does the most adorable things and has no idea just how adorable they are.

"Is it hard?" she shouts over the noise as the train approaches, looking like she's regretting her decision.

"No," I answer quickly, downplaying the difficulty of jumping on a moving train. "I've been doing this since I was nine. My older sister showed me how."

"What do we do?" Abby asks with a fire in her eyes.

"We run!"

And run we do. She matches my pace and we keep stride with the train. As soon as I'm sure that she won't fall behind, I grab the handle and swing myself inside first. I stretch out my hand to her and she grabs it firmly, using me as an anchor to pull herself inside. I counter her force with a hard pull landing me on my back and she tumbles on top of me. Like reflex I grab on to her back, securing her body against mine. She's breathing heavily and at first I think she's hurt but then she starts to giggle hysterically and rolls herself onto the floor beside me. My eyes follow her and my lips curve up into a smile, awestruck as I watch her laugh breathlessly at the metal roof. Everything about that moment proves to be indescribable.

Abby exhales loudly and then rolls on her side to face me. Small beads of sweat sit on her forehead and her face is flushed with colour. I pull her body closer to mine and I become lost in the way the wind tosses strands of her hair wildly over her face. It is utterly mesmerizing. I stretch my fingers out to tuck a bit of it behind her ear, and they curl around her neck.

Without thinking I pull her lips to mine. With a hint of adrenaline in my blood and the most beautiful woman in the world lying next to me, it felt like the most natural thing to do in that moment. Her lips are warm and tender and sweet. She runs her fingers down my back and goose bumps rise on my arms. I kiss her harder and she finds the edge of my jacket, tugging at it as she returns the kiss. A loud moan escapes me although I doubt she can hear it over the sound of the screeching rails beneath our heads.

The train car wobbles, forcing our lips to break apart, but she doesn't open her eyes. Then she giggles as I begin to land randomly placed kisses all over her perfect face.

"I'm supposed to be watching the city," she says giddily as she tries to dodge my kisses.

"We're not there yet," I rebut.

I swing her on top of me and she props herself up on her elbows and leans her chin into her palms. Her elbows press hard into my chest and it hurts, but she's staring at me with those honey-gold eyes and I'd rather she stay like that until her elbows dig holes into me. They almost do.

When the train begins to slow down I know that we must be getting closer to the city. Reluctantly, I release her from the prison of my long arms. She stands up eagerly and makes her way toward the door. I never imagined that she would be so excited about jumping on a train or seeing the city. Maybe it's the Amity in her, being able to appreciate the beautiful things in life. Or maybe it's something else, a desire to roam, to be free, to be Dauntless.

She stands in the doorway with one hand on the handle, watching the city pass; the old tall buildings, the broken concrete, the swinging stoplights and the wide roads. I see the awe in her eyes at the beauty of it all, but this city is less than unappealing in comparison to her.

I don't like to think about what I saw in my fear landscape that day, but looking at her now I understand completely why she was featured there.

In Dauntless we are expected to be brave. And we are expected to exercise that bravery when we jump on and off trains, when we jump off of roofs, when we learn to dodge bullets and knives. But taking a chance on Abigail, knowing full well that the longer we're together the more I will fall deeper and deeper in love with her and at the end of it all she may not choose me, requires more bravery than I have ever had to muster in my entire life. Losing her will require more still. But I find that bravery deep within myself because I have to try. After having found her, I simply cannot just let her go without a fight. I'm not sure that I could ever let her go at all.

I place my jacket around her as evening sets in. The air slips across my skin as I hold her from behind and we stare at the passing city until the end of the line, and then we head back.

I ride with her back to Amity, making sure to make the most of every second of it. When the train slows, signalling the end of our expedition, I pull her closer to me. She smiles up at me and whispers, "Thank you for this." Instead of words I reply with a kiss. It's tender and deep in a way it seldom is when we're stealing kisses in the orchards. The thought that a wandering eye could be watching us always haunts the back of our minds, leaving us afraid to keep our eyes closed for too long.

Even when our lips disconnect we don't pull apart, and we stay on the train until it crashes against the ends of the tracks, stopping completely. It's a strange feeling. I've never been on a still train.

"I'll see you tomorrow ok?" I whisper against her lips.

"Ok," she whispers back. Unwillingly, I loosen my hold on her and my arms fall as she gently slips away. And then she hops off the train, walking off into the sunset. My eyes follow her for as long as they can, taking in every moment, hoping that it is enough to sustain me until I see her again. And I want to see her again, every day, for the rest of my life, for as long as I may live.

* * *

 **A/N: Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)**


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: This is a kind of sweet-bitter-sweet chapter and I'm just gonna need you guys to trust me ok? Ok.**

* * *

 **27\. Dauntless Nights**

 **ALEX**

Taking a ride around the city has become a habit of ours. After we've spent enough time talking and laughing and kissing, Abigail tends to watch the sun set over the city, and I tend to just watch _her_.

The wind smells fresh as it rushes past us in violent bursts. It's cold and I can see every breath as I exhale. We had watched together from the speeding train as the green leaves turned into beautiful shades of yellow and orange and then fell.

Abby sits just in front of the door despite the cold wind, and I'm sitting beside it, my back resting on the backpack that I take to work with me every day. I think about its contents and the reality that I need to find the strength to ask her soon. I want her to hold on to us, and that means that I have to give her enough to hold on to.

Letting out a jagged breath I get up and I kneel behind her, wrapping my arms just below her neck. Her skin feels cold and I quickly warm her body with mine, rubbing my hands up and down the length of her arms. She slowly falls into me and I nuzzle my face into her hair before leaving a kiss there. I take in a deep breath and leaning into her ear I whisper, "Come home with me tonight."

She quickly turns to face me and I drop my arms to gently tuck a curl behind her right ear.

"To… Dauntless?" she stutters, taken aback. She looks almost frightened.

"Yeah," I say weakly. "I um…," and then I feel stupid for not having used better words. She may have misunderstood my intentions. "I always see what your home is like," I explain gently. "I'd like for you to see mine."

Her expression softens, but she still says, "I can't. Everyone will notice me." She tugs at her orange dress and gives me an apologetic look, or maybe it's confusion. It was an absurd suggestion. It _is_ an absurd suggestion. But one not absurd enough to stop me from trying.

"That's why I brought this," I say as I remove my backpack and pull out the black dress that I had 'borrowed' from Anna. I've been carrying it around for two weeks.

"You assumed I'd say yes?" she asks with an unreadable expression.

"I was hoping you would," I reply, shrugging slightly. I search her eyes for an answer. She looks unsure. "It's ok if you don't want to," I say softly, defeat evident in my voice.

I'm about to put back the dress in my bag when she grabs my arm and says, "I do. I'd love to go with you… I just don't want to get you in trouble, Alex."

"You won't," I blurt out. "I can get us in and out without being seen. And if you blend in, it makes it that much easier."

My eyes are pleading to the point where I'm almost sure that it's pathetic, but I don't care. I watch the gears as they turn inside her head until she finally says, "Ok." And it takes everything in me to withhold a grin. Abby slowly stands to her feet and I do too. She smiles and takes the dress from my hand. "Don't look ok?"

I chuckle and I turn around, giving her space to change. The monkeys in my stomach are doing summersaults again, high off the fumes of my elation. I can't believe she said yes. I immediately try to remember the state in which I left my small apartment. I wonder if she'll like it.

Blood rushes to my face as I hear the rustling of her clothes as they come off her skin. Without wanting to I imagine what she looks like without them.

 _What is happening to me?_

I shake off the image. I feel vile. I've never thought of a woman that way before.

"You can turn around now," she says, and without thought I do. But my haste is to my undoing as I prove to be completely unprepared for a sight that proves to be one worthy of preparation. My breath catches and my mouth falls.

"Oh my God." And it's all that I can say.

She's shorter than Anna is, so the dress fits her a little bit longer, but she fills it out so much better. The bottom half of it hangs loose over her hips and thighs. It's strange seeing Abby in something other than orange or yellow or red, even more so seeing her in Dauntless black. But it fits her well, as if she's been with me my entire life. Sometimes it certainly does feel that way.

"Whose dress is this anyways?" she asks, breaking me out of my creepy stare.

"It's Anna's." I swallow hard. "I guess it's yours now. You look incredible."

Abby walks over to me and I hold her in the curve of her waist. She looks up at me and yet again my words fail me. The train jumps on its tracks and she slams into me. I grab her tightly and our faces are only inches apart. I don't know how long we stay like that before I decide to eliminate the space between our lips, leaning forward to place a gentle kiss there.

My face hovers above hers until I feel the train slow down and I realize that it's time to jump. After doing my best to explain proper landing technique, we jump together and instead of watching where I'm landing and where I'm running, I'm watching Abigail dressed in black jumping off a moving train.

My feet land on a large rock and I plummet into the ground, barely breaking my fall. Quickly, I try to push myself up off the ground but the dry grass cuts into my palms. I wince.

"Are you ok?" Abby rushes to my aid. I give her a reassuring smile and a nod. I can sense the blood crawling into my face, and it feels hot with embarrassment. "I'm pretty sure that's not how you do it," she says with a laugh. She picks me up off the ground and begins to rub away the grass and dirt off my clothes. It triggers something inside me, that feeling that everything is right, that everything is how it's supposed to be. This is where she belongs. Here, with me.

"Come on." I grab her hand and I lead her through a hidden side door that leads to an underground entrance, bypassing most of the highly trafficked areas. I choose my route carefully when we get to the halls. Thanks to my dad, I know where all the cameras are. No one would be looking that closely or would really know that she's not from here, but I don't want to take any risks.

Abby's eyes wander to and fro as we walk. These dark halls must look so strange to her, the air must smell so stale. But each breath she takes is steady and unflinching, and her eyes shine with a twinkle of marvel.

"Welcome to Dauntless," I whisper as we pass a group of boisterous teenagers. Two of them are kissing sloppily and walking at the same time, clumsily stumbling over each other.

"Is that normal around here?" Abby asks quietly. Her eyes are open wide as they follow behind the couple.

"Pretty much, yeah," I say. "So don't stare." She squeezes my hand a little tighter, but the soft giggle that escapes her lips tells me that it's not from fear. She's excited. We are breaking at least twenty different factional laws, she is in a strange place, one completely unlike the only world she's ever known and she is excited. If that isn't dauntless, then nothing is.

We walk quickly, but when we're almost at the end of the hall I see an all too familiar face, something I was very much hoping to avoid.

"Shit!" I growl. "Dani's gonna see us."

I've told him about her but he doesn't know that I was planning on bringing her here. No one does. I try to quickly come up with a way to explain all this, but then I realize that he might not remember what she looks like since he only saw her once and it was dark.

"Act Dauntless," I say to Abby and she nods determinedly.

We take about two more steps when Abigail grabs at my shoulders and jumps on top of me, tightly wrapping her legs around my waist. The force of it slams me into the concrete wall. She kisses me ferociously, blocking me from view as Dani walks by. I grab her below the thigh and press her upper back into me, more out of desire than out of necessity. The kiss lasts a lot longer than it needs to and Dani is long gone when we finally break apart.

"What was that?" I ask breathlessly, staring into her beautiful hazel eyes that are now wide with excitement. "You told me to act Dauntless," she whispers, and her eyes search mine until my lips turn up into a smile. Abby laughs into another kiss, and I feel strong as I support the legs draped around my waist. I feel strong and completed.

I set her down gently, not breaking eye contact. I'm still in shock and my mouth is hanging open in pleasant surprise as she fixes her dress and then says, "It's a good thing this dress is so loose."

We both begin to snicker like idle children and I grab her arm, pulling her through the last hallway to my front door. At the sight of it my heart begins to thump just a little bit faster.

"Here we are," I say as I turn the key and push the door open. Abby walks in slowly, searching her surroundings. I know that this was the plan, and that me asking her to come home with me would lead up to this moment, but I still can't believe that it's really happening, that she's really here.

That night she memorizes every inch of my small apartment. I guess she likes it because the following night she comes back, and the night after that, and the night after that, until her scent is permanently engraved in my walls and in my sheets. I couldn't contain my grin when she brought her own pillow. I hope she brings everything else one day.

* * *

"I just think it's a bit strange that you live by yourself," Abby says, propping herself up on my bed and rolling her hair up. She's changed into one of my T-shirts and a shorts. I love that she feels so comfortable here. I'm thinking about offering her one of the empty drawers in my dresser, that way she could leave some clothes and some personal items if she ever wants to, but I'm not sure if it's too soon. "Everybody else here seems to live in groups," she adds. "Don't you get lonely?"

"Not really, no," I reply, kicking off my shoes and practically throwing myself on the bed with her.

"Is that because you bring girls home every night?" And she takes a playful but hard swing at me with her tiny blue pillow, making me laugh.

"You're the only girl I've ever brought home," I say. "And that's not a fair accusation. I don't know how many Dauntless boys you took on walks."

It was meant to be a joke but as soon as the words leave my lips I realize it's a cruel one. It must be, considering all the things she told me her faction mates think about her. And even worse because that comment didn't come out of nowhere and I'm sure she knows it.

"I'm sorry, Abby. I didn't mean it like that." I sit up in an instant. My eyes desperately scan her face to see if she's mad, and for a quick second there's a look in her eyes that tells me that I hit a soft spot, but then it's gone.

"It's ok," she says with a forced smile, but I see through it.

"Don't do that," I say to her softly, my voice pleading.

"Do what?"

"Pretend like what I just said didn't upset you."

"It didn't. I'm not upset."

"Abby," I plead. The frustration is unmistakeable in my voice.

"I'm not," she snaps back. She is.

"I think you are," I say, gently placing my hand on her thigh. "Why do you do that?"

But I already know why. The Amity don't believe in conflict. They'll do anything to avoid it, even if it means supressing their feelings and taking crap from people. Abby deserves better than that.

"Amity reject conflict," she says, shrugging her shoulders and avoiding my eyes.

"I know, but I don't want you to be afraid to tell me how you feel about something," I say. "How can I know to not say or do something if I don't know that it upsets you?"

"You'd do that?" Abby asks, genuinely surprised.

"Of course I would," I say firmly. Do they really assume that all people are that callous? "Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know. I guess I thought that talking about things only made it worse. I mean, I won't change my mind and you won't change yours," she explains.

"So you'd just accept anything that I say to you? Even if it upsets you?"

She doesn't answer, and I can tell that this conversation is making her uncomfortable. Then it gives me an idea.

"Take this for example," I say. "You don't want to talk about this but I do, because I value conflict resolution."

"So do I."

"Yeah, but by being passive, and believe me there is nothing passive about you." I've seen it. There's a fire in her, a strength that the Amity most likely try to get her to suppress. "There's an active way to settle things. It's called compromising. And even when you can't compromise you can agree to disagree. If you hold everything in all the time you'll blow your top one day. It's ok to get angry sometimes." I gently stroke at her hair as she stares at the floor, lost in thought. It makes me wonder if her thoughts are her own or just what they've told her to think.

"But we're taught to forgive," she says softly.

"Yeah, but what if you don't want to? Or you can't? Not without talking about it at least. It makes you bitter." She's not looking at me but I see the way her eyes become heavy and her face falls. My eyes widen with realization. "But you already know that don't you?" I ask, curious.

"Yeah," she whispers after a while. Her eyes begin to gloss over but she bites it back.

"Hey," I say, taking her into my arms, regretting having probed. "It's ok. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

I don't want her to think that I'm pushing her, or trying to change her. It's just that I know that there's so much more to her. But then again I'm not one to judge. I'm not really the poster child for openness either, except when it comes to my family I guess. I'm about to get up off the bed when Abby says, "Laura."

I give her a soft but questioning look. "She's the woman who used to take care of me and Sarah after our mom died," she explains. "We only lived with her for a year, since after's Sarah's initiation she could be my legal guardian, but it was the worst year of my life." Her voice sinks when she says, "Laura was such a saint when everyone was looking, the perfect picture of Amity. But behind closed doors she was such an angry person. She'd tell us horrible things and she'd push us around if we took too long to come inside or to clean up after ourselves. And we had to hear her rant all day about all the people she hated, people who she'd often invite over for dinner. It didn't make any sense."

It _doesn't_ make any sense. The Amity are supposed to be kind, and although I've come to know that that kindness tends to come packaged with insincerity, I've never seen or even heard of any of them being outrightly unkind to anyone. I always thought that they were free of the darker blemishes that plague our factions, but I guess they're not. It's just better hidden. The thought makes me sick, and the fact that she treated Abby this way makes me want to hunt down whoever this Laura person is and show her just how unkind _I_ can be.

"She burnt Sarah once. It was _my_ fault," Abby continues, rubbing at the hem of her shirt, _my_ shirt.

"No," I say strongly, cutting her off. "It wasn't your fault, Abby."

"Yes it was," she says, her voice breaking. "Sarah was sick, and I was boiling water to make her tea even though I knew that I was too young and wasn't supposed to play with the fire. Laura came home and got upset and she started throwing things all over the place. So Sarah came in the kitchen to see what was happening. Laura was coming straight at me and I froze. She threw the kettle of boiling water at me but before I knew what had happened I was thrown into a corner and Sarah was on the ground screaming. She had pushed me out of the way and her legs got burnt. When we got to the clinic Laura told the nurses that Sarah had accidentally dropped the kettle and it had spilled on her."

My fists clench into a ball where they're wrapped around her. My blood boils and something like an animal instinct starts to take hold of me. But I take deep breaths, trying to tame it, realizing that right now there's absolutely nothing I can do but listen and be here for her. And as painful as it is to listen to, I know that it's much more painful for her to say, and maybe that's what she needs most anyway.

"I hated her so much. I still do. I can't even look at her. Every time I see her I just..." She pauses and a single tear rolls down her cheek. "And it makes me hate myself for getting angry at her because anger is what made her hurt us." Her voice is breaking as she speaks and I tighten my grip around her.

"That's not true, Abby," I say firmly, suddenly understanding everything. "She hurt you because she's a sad excuse for a person. And what happened to your sister was _not_ your fault. It's never your fault when somebody hurts you like that." She sniffles into my chest, burying her head there, and I rub my hand against her hair. "Is that why you're afraid to get angry?" I ask. "You're afraid of what it'll make you do?"

She nods.

"Do you think I'm a bad person?"

"No, of course not," she says, sitting up to look at me for the first time since this conversation began.

"Well, I get angry sometimes." I'm angry right _now_. "But do you believe I'd ever hurt you?"

"No," she replies, shaking her head.

"Exactly," I say, and I have to force back the urge to step outside and hit something. I wipe the tears from her cheeks and I kiss her on her forehead letting my lips linger for a while. "Have you ever told anyone about this?"

"No," she sniffles. "No one would believe me anyway."

"Did you and Sarah ever talk about it?"

"I didn't want to," she says, her words seeming to come easier now. "I was angry at her too. Every day she'd tell me that we had to forgive Laura. She seemed to be so disappointed when I cried, said I was holding on to negative feelings, and she'd try to give me peace serum all day. I had to cry in the bathroom where no one could see me and she'd just smile all the time like if what was happening to us was ok, but it wasn't." Her voice is almost a whisper. "It wasn't ok."

"No baby. It wasn't." I hold her tighter as she cries into my chest and my heart breaks.

"I was angry at my mom too," she adds, crying. "Because she died and left us here." And I feel useless, as if all I can do is try and sooth her by holding her and rocking her back and forth. But I want to do more. I want to take it all away and be the one to bear her pain instead. I want to punish whoever told her that it's wrong to feel anything other than happiness and that it's perfectly ok to let other people exploit you. As for the Amity, I want to throw them all down a well and send their stupid factional politics behind them.

I come to wholly understand Rae's abhorrence for her former faction. The Dauntless are cruel, the Candor are inconsiderate and the Erudite are pompous, but at least they're upfront about it. I'd say that the Abnegation are only a hazard to themselves, but I know better.

One would say that there's really no safe place to be in this city, but that's not entirely true. Inside the confines of my small apartment, with nothing but the sound of our breaths filling the silence, I feel secure. There's a strange comfort in it all. Not in this place, but in each other.

Abby is here with me, and here with me she will always be safe.

She's quiet and still for a while, a long while, and I assume that she's fallen asleep in my arms like she always does. But then she sits up slowly and smiles a little and quietly says, "Is it weird?... that I feel better after having said all that?" Her eyes are red and swollen, and her cheeks blotchy. Even when she cries she is beautiful.

"No," I say, smiling a little. "That's how it works. You let it out, you let it go."

"Well in that case," she says, her face lighting up with unexpected enthusiasm. "You know what else I hate?"

"What?" I ask with a soft laugh and she giggles a little. There's my girl again.

"Orange."

My laugh intensifies. Her hating orange is like me hating black. Then I remember, "My sister hates black. Well, she doesn't particularly like it."

"Then she understands my frustration. You know what it's like wearing a colour that you hate every day?" I don't though. I don't mind my black get-up. "My favourite colour is actually blue." Abby looks deep into my eyes as if she had just shared her most intimate secret with me. "A deep blue," she says. "Looks almost black if you don't look hard enough."

My eyes, I realize, she's talking about the colour of my eyes. It _is_ an intimate secret.

I lean in closer and I give her a tender kiss, hoping to erase every streak of pain, hoping that she can feel the promise of love and safety that is spoken with every swerve of my lips. I pull away slowly after a while, my thumb skimming her cheeks and my eyes locked on hers.

"I love the way you kiss me," she says, sharing her silent thoughts. "Your lips are my favourite flavour."

"Oh, are they now?" I smile as I brush my nose against hers.

She pulls away just then and her face is more serious than before when she says, "I hate it when you have to leave. I hate it when I'm here with you and morning comes." It's only been two weeks since she started sleeping at my apartment with me, but it feels like she's always been here.

"I do too," I say. It's one of the things I've come to hate most. Especially considering the unavoidable reality that if I can't convince her to choose Dauntless she'll always have to leave, and one day she might not be able to come back at all. I don't want to talk about this. "I've got an idea," I say. "Let's take turns."

She nods her head, nudging me to go next so I say, "I love the way you purse your lips when you say words that end in 'O'."

"Oh?"

"Yeah," I chuckle.

She smiles and her eyes twinkle. "What do you hate?" she asks.

"Cats."

Her laughter fills my bedroom. It sounds like a symphony, and it replays over and over as we both share tiny pieces of ourselves. I think I learn more about Abby in that one night than I have in the three months that we've been together.

We talk until we're too tired to talk anymore and then we just lay there. She's tucked against my side, resting her head on my chest. Her arm is tossed across me and her toes are gently rubbing against mine. Moments like these don't need words, just gentle kisses.

Then I'm not sure how or when it happened, but she's fast asleep in my arms. I take in her sweet scent as I press my nose into her ruby hair, and I relish the softness of her skin beneath my fingers. She is so precious. How could anybody ever hurt her? And although I know she's asleep and can't hear me, I still make a vow to her, whispering into her ear, "Nobody will hurt you ever again. I won't let them," before joining her in sleep.

* * *

 **A/N: I'd love to hear you guys' thoughts about Abby's history. I know it's an unfortunate one, and Alex was right to suspect that there was something deeper hidden behind that beautiful Amity smile, and he wanted to uncover it (although he is guarding himself in his own way). But the past as well as the growth of our characters throughout their journey together is important and I don't want you guys to miss it.**  
 **Also, I am in no way suggesting that all of the Amity are fake nice people. There are those who truly live what their faction stands for. But remember, there is good and bad within each faction.**

 **With that said, please let me know what you thought of this chapter :)**


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: I really loved you guys' response to the last chapter. I was a bit nervous posting it since it was the first not so happy moment for Abbex, and I know that people tend to prefer a happy ending. But I was pleasantly surprised and very relieved when I saw all the supportive reviews :) Thank you all so much.  
And Thank You Guest for being my 200** **th** **reviewer! :) I think I'm in love with him too lol**

 **Paula'08, you'll be glad to know that the next three chapters (including this one) will be giving us a peek into what everyone else is doing :) We'll be hearing from Tobias in the next chapter.**

 **This chapter was giving me a lot of trouble, I guess because of the nature of it, but I really hope you guys enjoy it anyway :)**

* * *

 **28\. A Dauntless Day**

 **ALEX**

Waking up next to Abigail is as entirely fulfilling as it is falling asleep beside her. Sometimes she sleeps with her mouth slightly cracked open and other times it looks like she's smiling. Her fair skin has a natural a.m. glow, and when she goes to bed without putting her hair up first, she wakes up in the morning looking wild and tantalizingly beautiful. Then she bites her lips and grumbles when she's untangling it, and she swears she'll never do it again.

She did it again.

I watch her slow, rhythmic breathing, taking full advantage of the fact that I don't have to wake her. There's a bad snow storm outside so most of the fence guards have been given the day off, since travelling that far out in this weather would be hazardous. That also means that Abby is stuck here with me for the day, and we get to stay in bed for as long as we want.

Abby spends more nights here with me now since we'd both freeze to death in the orchards, but she's never spent the day in the Dauntless compound before. There's not much I can do but give her a proper tour of the place, although that in it itself feels like a huge step. If today goes badly or she doesn't like what she sees, it could turn her away from coming to Dauntless.

With that in mind, you'd think I'd have a master plan but I don't. I'm not really sure where I'm gonna take her, but at least I don't have to keep her hidden. Dani and Anna already know that I've been bringing her here, if Rae catches us she'll lecture me but she'd never rat me out, and Dauntless leaders don't get snow days so my parents will both be at work until late evening. As far as the cameras go, as long as Abby is dressed in black she'll just be another face in the crowd of Dauntless walking through the halls.

I watch her as she moans herself awake, and with a wide yawn she stretches her body and almost hits me in the face. When she finally opens her eyes my arm snakes across her stomach and around her waist. I move my fingers slowly against the soft skin of her sides, but not before long I embark on an all-out tickle war and the sound of her laughter fills the early morning silence.

Just as I expected, even though we're both awake, we stay in bed all morning and I only get up to take a shower when it's close to lunch time. When I step out of the bathroom, Abby is sitting at the edge of the bed brushing her hair, but then she stands suddenly, walking over to me as soon as she catches sight of me. I forgot to put my shirt on.

Usually I'm hesitant to reveal too much of myself to people, but I've always felt comfortable around Abby. I've always gotten dressed in the bathroom but because I didn't want to make _her_ uncomfortable.

"It's beautiful," she says, her fingers slowly tracing the ink on my chest. She's never seen it before.

My tattoo is a mosaic arrangement of half and quarter circles that all come together to form a whole one. It's surrounded by six Dauntless flames, three of which stretch over my shoulder and around my arm all the way over to my back, and three spaced over my lower ribcage, all with smaller flames in between each one, and all shaded in with black ink. It almost looks like a shattered sun, taking up the entire upper left quadrant of my torso.

"You should see my dad's," I say with a forced chuckle, trying to calm my nerves. The touch of her fingertips against my bare skin is invigorating and it sends a shiver down my spine. I wonder if she knows that she has that effect on me.

"What does it mean?" she asks softly, and her eyes scan every detail with something like admiration.

I clear my throat. "The two bigger halves at the top are for my parents, because they are two halves of an individual whole," I begin to explain. "The two smaller halves beneath it represent my twin sister and me, because we are two halves of our own whole, and on either side of us are our little brother and our older sister. Together, it all makes up its own whole, held together by the Dauntless flames. In summary, we're all one big, happy, Dauntless family."

She smiles up at me and I smile back. "How did you know that it meant something?" I ask.

And she says, "Something this beautiful has to."

* * *

We're just in time for lunch by the time we make it to the dining hall. It's a cavern lit from beneath by blue-white lamps and the light glows eerily off the tables and walls. The music is not as loud today as it is on other days, but it still catches Abby's attention. The atmosphere here is nothing like the outdoor canteen of the Amity.

There are a few Dauntless already sitting and eating at the tables. Abigail eyes the other side of the room where pierced and tattooed cooks are still bringing out more large trays of food options. As I look at the people around me I realize how strange they must look to her and how normal they seem to me, despite all the metal rings in their faces and the tattoos on their arms and throats and chests.

She's never been around this many Dauntless before. She's like a lamb among wolves but there's not a trace of fear in her eyes as she walks among them, she just looks intrigued. And she looks striking. The black blouse against her milky skin and red hair makes her all the more beautiful in the natural way that only Abigail could ever be.

I place my hand gently against her shoulder, leading her to the back of the cafeteria line. I keep her close; close enough to let the wolves know that she is mine, and that they should not approach her. I look around for familiar faces, but much to my relief I don't see any.

When we finally get to the front of the line, Abby is hesitant at first. The food here is different than what she's used to. The Amity eat a lot healthier than the Dauntless do. Still, she fills her plate with some of the less familiar options. I love the way she's so open to new and different things. It's a quality I've never really seen in a person before. People tend to just stick to what they know.

The girl standing behind us rolls her eyes and lets out an inhumane grunt of frustration when she realizes that Abby is about to take the last piece of Dauntless cake.

"You can have it if you want to," Abby says with a smile and without second thought.

The girl has purple hair, a large ring in her nose and four circular earrings in each ear. She presses her eyebrows so close together that they almost touch.

"Um….," she says, hesitantly reaching for the slice of cake. "Thanks? I guess?" Then walks away in utter confusion. I press my lips together, holding my laugh hostage inside my mouth. I shake my head as I lead my girlfriend away from the cafeteria line.

"Did you see the way she looked at me? Like I was crazy!" Abby yelps as we make our way to an empty table.

"Yeah, people don't really just give stuff away around here. Especially the last piece of Dauntless cake. It _is_ sort of crazy," I tease as we both sit down to eat.

After lunch I take her to the bottom of the chasm. I carefully lead her down the path as we step over rocks and small gaps until I find a relatively flat rock near the side where the current isn't too strong. I sit down there, pulling her close beside me. My dad says that this is where he and my mother shared their first kiss. The thought makes me smile, being in such a meaningful place.

Our feet dangle over the edge and we let the water splash against them for a while. She seems comfortable here, inches above the hazardous water. I'm glad she likes it. It may be the deadliest, but I also think it's the most beautiful part of this compound. As I stare at her while she stares at the water it makes me wonder if all the beautiful things in life come laced with danger. Maybe that's a part of what makes them beautiful.

"Come on," I say after our time had spent. "Anna's waiting for us at the parlour." And I gently lift her to her feet and guide her back up the path.

She's met Annabelle twice before when she joined us for dinner at my apartment. They connected instantly and I couldn't help but be thrilled about it. At least Abby knows that if she comes here she'll have a friend.

As we swing open the doors to the tattoo parlour, I'm taken aback. I've only been in here a couple times since Anna took over the place and Tori and Bud retired. Annabelle has been training Jessica to help her with the workload, but between the two of them they've really turned the place around. The smell for one has changed drastically, and they've traded the dim red lights for brighter green ones.

Anna's just finishing up with a client when we find her, and she locks the door when he leaves so that we can have the place to ourselves. While giving us a small tour of the place, Abigail's eye catches the Dauntless flames of Anna's tattoo that curve over her left shoulder and stop just below her collarbone, identical to the one on my chest that she saw just this morning. I guess she's figured out who designed it.

Abby wanders around the room, looking at the different pieces of artwork on the walls when my sister jabs me in my side. "I was looking for that blouse you jerk."

"Thank you," I whisper with an evil, crooked grin. I wonder if she knows that her dress is missing too.

"These are beautiful," Abby says, turning to face Anna. "Did you design all of these?

"Thank you," Annabelle replies with a smile. "Yes, I did."

"Forgive me, but I thought only the Amity appreciated art. I was wrong."

Technically she isn't. The Dauntless tend to just mark their skin, sometimes they don't even care with what. Annabelle's art is inspired by her own thoughts and feelings so they all mean something to her, and I think that's the Amity in her.

Abby continues to walk for a bit and then stops at a particular one, a half-blossomed rose. She stares at it for a little bit too long. I wonder what she's thinking.

"You like it?" Anna inquires. "You can get it if you want. On the house."

I almost laugh at the suggestion, but the joke's on me when Abby agrees with unreserved enthusiasm. It takes extra effort for me to close my mouth. When Anna goes to prepare her table, Abby walks over to me with an excited grin and says, "I thought you said people didn't just give stuff away around here."

I chuckle. "Yeah. Well… Anna's different."

"Like you," she suggests with a smile.

"Yeah. I guess. Sort of," I say. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell her that I'm Divergent. Maybe she'll tell me that she is too.

Anna turns on the light over one of the chairs and arranges her tattoo needles on a tray next to it. She beckons Abby to sit down and she does so with incredible ease. She's a lot more comfortable with this than I thought she would be. She likes jumping on trains, she loves Dauntless cake and now she is getting a tattoo. If she can't see by now that she belongs here then I doubt she'll ever see it, but it's clear as day to me.

"Where do you want it?" Annabelle asks.

Abby pulls down her jeans a little, revealing a bit of the beautifully soft skin just below her right hip bone. Just the sight of it makes my heart race. I've never been with anyone the way I dream of being with Abby, but I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit that I want it to be more than just a dream. I've never longed for someone this way, or this much.

Anna turns on the needle, filling the air with the sound of buzzing, and then she begins. Abby's eye falls on the small tattoo that circles Anna's right wrist. She only got it a few weeks ago. It's a linked bracelet of alternating flames and leaves. You can only tell the difference if you look hard enough, but I think that was the point.

Much to my appreciation, when she was finished, Annabelle volunteered to show Abby around the girlier parts of Dauntless. Whatever it is that they were doing kept them busy for the later part of the day. I was glad. I'm not sure Abby would have enjoyed the shooting range and the boxing ring as much. My twin sister is the best sidekick I could have ever hoped for. I owe her big time for this.

I had planned to woo Abby at dinnertime with the Dauntless dinner buffet, but there's a hiccup in my plan. My parents are in the dining hall. If they see me with her they will definitely ask questions, and that will definitely not end well. Still, it's an opportunity for her to at least see my family. So we peep through the double doors of the dining hall and I point at a table in the far right corner.

"You see that man sitting over there?"

"You mean the one that looks exactly like you?" she asks with a look of disbelief.

"Yeah," I chuckle. "That's my dad. Everybody just calls him 'Four'."

"Like the number?" she giggles. I nod and then say, "Exactly like the number. I'll explain later. Dauntless initiation stuff."

She nods in understanding. "And is that your mom?" she then asks.

"Yeah. And the kid's my little brother, Christian. He turns nine next month."

Whatever Chris is talking about, my parents can't get enough of it. My mom can barely manage to chew her food she's laughing so much. Christian is funny in an adorable kind of way. Unlike the rest of us, he doesn't even try. I should try and make it to dinner at home more often. Our family dinners are the best, and I do miss them.

"Your parents look really happy," Abby says with a smile, and then she adds, "… and really young."

"They are. They made me when they were teenagers." I laugh. I'm surprised she doesn't ask me about Rae since I've already told her that I have an older sister. Age doesn't matter among the Dauntless, so nobody pries when my parents introduce Rae as their daughter when they are obviously no more than ten years older than she is. Outside of Dauntless is a different story. It annoys me sometimes. There are some things that are thicker than blood.

Abby looks deep in thought but I can't tell what she's thinking. I always wish I could.

"They always have dinner at home so I have no idea what they're doing here." I sigh. "Stay here. I'll go inside and grab some stuff for us, ok?"

She nods.

I contemplate going over to say hi to my parents. I want to but I'm afraid that they won't let me leave. Still, I take a chance and use the excuse that I have a prior engagement as to why I can't stay long. My mother pouts but eventually gives up.

I grab a couple solid things from the buffet and as I'm about to leave I see Daniel. I should say hi. I feel like I've abandoned him ever since Abby came into the picture, although it's not completely my fault. Last year and every year before that we were at school together, although I was a year above him. But this year I'm in post-choosing education, which is done separately from the upper levels. Apart from that, I have a job and when Abby isn't spending the night, I'm having dinner with my family. On his end, he's been busy helping out his parents since his little brother is due to arrive at any moment. Still, I'm afraid he might be upset. If he is, he hasn't said anything.

A wide grin finds his face when he sees me approaching.

"Sit down," he pleads, tapping the empty space beside him. "Have dinner with me. I've been missing you, Boo."

"I can't," I say apologetically, suddenly feeling like a sad excuse for a friend.

He takes a look at the 'to go' food in my hand and deduces, "Abby's here isn't she?"

"Yeah," I say carefully. "She's waiting for me by the door," and I glance in her direction.

Dani stares at his food for a while before letting out a breath. "Alex, you really need to be careful," he says levelly. "It's one thing she's here almost every night, but now you're parading her around the halls?" It's strange, seeing Daniel uneasy. Usually he's the one getting himself into trouble and I'm the one trying to talk him out of it.

"I _am_ being careful," I say a little defensively. "It's just that I couldn't take her home because of the storm and I won't leave her locked inside all day."

He thinks about this for a while. "I understand that. But this is a dangerous game you're playing, Alex," he says. "And don't take this the wrong way or anything, but how do you really think this is gonna end, bro?" He speaks kindly and I know that he's just concerned but

I.

Hate.

That.

QUESTION!

"I don't know, man... I was hoping she'd come to Dauntless this year."

Dani chokes on his bread and then says, "Are you insane?" His eyes open wide. "Listen, Abby's brave. She's brave as hell if she's still in this with you. But you do know that Dauntless isn't about being brave, don't you? It's all brutality now, man. How would she get through initiation?"

"I was hoping my dad could do something about that. And Rae is training the initiates so-"

"Your dad?" he asks incredulously. "The one that's always telling you to be a good citizen? He will _kill_ you if he finds out about this."

"No." I shake my head and I take a quick glance at my father. He rustles Chris' hair and then he turns and smiles warmly at my mother. "I don't think he will," I say. "I can trust him with this. I know it." I can trust him with anything. He might not be happy about how I went about doing this, but I know that he'll help me in any way that he can.

"For your sake I hope so," Dani says, serious, more serious than I've ever seen him. "I'm not trying to be a buzz kill, man," he adds. "But there are a million things that could happen here, some of which aren't that pleasant. I want you to be happy, but I also want you to be ready for anything." And his words sink in deep, like a blade they cut through my denial. "In any case, I'm on your side. You're my brother. You know that."

I smile a little. Apart from my sisters, Dani is the one person that I know that I can always count on, no matter how crazy the idea or how much of a shitstorm I brew. Not many people have someone like that.

"I know," I say.

"You're not gonna cry are you?" he asks teasingly as he resumes to chew his food.

"I might," I say.

"Well consider that the last time I express my love for you," he says with a grin. "Go," and he shoos me off with a nod of his head and a wave of his hand. "Abby's hungry. And believe me, you won't like girls when they're hungry."

I laugh. "Thanks, Dani," I say. "For everything." He winks suggestively and I shake my head as I turn to walk away.

"And Alex?" I turn around. "Say hi to Abby for me," he says with a smile.

I smile back at my best friend. "Sure thing."

* * *

After dinner Abby and I both crash on the bed, our limbs intertwined and our faces only inches apart. After illegally walking around all day in these dark halls, there's a fierce, dauntless glow on her cheeks, like if she believes that she can do anything now. It suits her. Today couldn't have been more perfect and with everything in me I hope it was enough.

"You know, I'm really glad you enjoyed yourself today," I say, my fingers gently tracing up and down the length of her arm.

"Me too," she says with a blush.

"I can't believe you got a tattoo."

"You think it was too much?"

"No. I love it." I do. "Your sister's gonna kill you though."

"She won't ever see it," Abby snickers.

"I can't believe she was ok with you coming here with me." Abby's sister is a year older than Rae is, so she knows how dangerous this is. I can't imagine why she'd let her little sister wander off and spend nights with her illegitimate boyfriend. Maybe for the same reason Rae hasn't stopped me. Still, it's different with boys. I'd lock Anna in her room if she ever tried something like this. I am a hypocrite. This I know.

"Yeah, she's like that. Sarah has no spine. Besides, she likes you."

"She's never met me."

"I talk about you. A lot," Abby says sweetly.

I brush my fingers against her cheek and say, "What do you say about me?" She is so beautiful. She reminds me of a rose. Tiny and beautiful and precious and delicate.

"That you're amazing," she whispers.

As I look into her eyes my heart is screaming the words that I don't dare confess. I slowly lean my face to hers and I kiss her softly. She kisses me back and the kiss becomes deeper, harder. She grabs me behind the neck and rolls herself on top of me. I press her back harder and harder into me, trying to bring her closer, but there _is_ no closer.

My breathing becomes heavier and I'm overwhelmed by just how much I want this; how much I want her. My fingers find the hook of her zip and I slowly bring it down, letting my hands slide onto the smooth skin of her back. She shivers at my touch and in that moment I know that she wants me too. Without letting my lips escape hers she frees her arms from her blouse, removing the only thing that stood between my bare skin and hers. My heart beats a little faster at the thought of where this is headed.

My hands grab at the crook of her neck as the softness of her front against my chest sends a wave of shock through my body. I can feel the pulse of her neck as it slams violently against my fingers. She pulls back and I swallow hard. I don't want to stop but if she's not ready I'll wait.

"Your heart is racing," I whisper breathlessly.

"I've never done this before," she whispers back. I bite my bottom lip, breathing in as her sweet breath hits my face. Everything about her is desirable.

I take her hand and I rub it upwards against my chest, her fingers bumping over the shallow ridges of muscle until I let them rest over my heart and the ink tattooed there. She feels the galloping beneath her palm and she gasps.

"Me neither," I say. And although I wasn't anticipating sharing moments like these with Abigail just yet, I made sure that I was ready for it if it ever happened. I want this to be as special and wonderful for her as it I know it will be for me. I want her to be able to feel that this is an act of love and not lust.

We collide again and she moans quietly against my lips. One by one we shed the woven threads that separate us and this time we don't stop. My fingers seek out her own and they twist and twine together, every part of my body flushed against every part of hers. Where she ends, I begin. We are two bodies flowing into one. And just when I thought we couldn't get any closer, we do. A closeness that at first is unsteady and stinging, but it ultimately turns into a slow wave of pleasure, unsteady breaths and unintelligible words.

* * *

The following morning feels heavenly. The first kiss we share feels even more charged with static than it usually does. I throw on my jacket and I watch her as she shimmies into her black disguise.

And it's all that I can think about for the rest of the day; her- in that dress and out of it, the feel of laced fingers and warm skin against skin.

A million zombies could have run right past me, breaching the fence and turning everyone in the city into mindless flesh eating monsters, and I would not have been the wiser.

* * *

 **A/N: I know they're only 16! *Hangs head* Please don't kill me! But do let me know what you thought of this chapter :)**


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N: Abbex's year together is almost coming to a close you guys, and that's when the story gets interesting ;) Thank you all so much for being patient and for sticking with me. I know that because of the details necessary for this story, and because, for the sake of fluidity, I refuse to make any more huge time jumps, it feels like it's taking forever to climax and I'm honestly beginning to get on my own nerves. But I promise you, we're just about there. Enjoy the fluff and family goodness while it lasts!**

 **We'll be seeing some old characters in this chapter and somewhat throughout the rest of the story. I hope you guys enjoy it :)**

* * *

 **29\. Sweet Seventeen - Part 1**

 **TOBIAS**

Celebrating the twins' birthday has always been an adventure of sorts. Growing up in Abnegation, birthdays weren't ever mentioned, much less celebrated. The Abnegation saw celebrating birthdays as self-indulgent, too much attention focused on one person. Tris only learned the exact day of her birth when Caleb found the Abnegation birth records in the Erudite Database. And I only ever knew mine because I came to recognize it as the one day a year my mother would slip me an extra piece of dessert before I went to bed.

Maybe that's why Tris and I always want to make sure that they enjoy it, to give them a little bit of something we never had.

Dauntless birthday celebrations tend to be a bit extravagant, but much to my liking, even though they're Dauntless-born, my children are not as frenetic as their peers. Especially Alex. He prefers to keep things simple. Each year, he and his sister take turns deciding how they'll celebrate their birthday, and somehow, despite their differing personalities and preferences, they always come to a compromise. This year was Alex's turn and he easily settled on dinner. Annabelle, however, felt compelled to turn it into a dinner party.

Christina and Uriah came by early to help Tris and Rae with the cooking. I assisted by keeping Chris and Heather busy, but after the scent of honey-roasted chicken, mashed potatoes and Dauntless cake filled the air, I left the kids to their own and selflessly volunteered to be the taster. My offer was declined of course, in the name of conservation of goods. But there is not a smidgeon of space on the dining table, every inch of it covered with bowls and pots and platters of food. Everyone who has arrived so far has brought something to add to the table, and by the looks of it, we have much more food than we need.

We didn't invite much people. Just the twins' aunts, uncles and cousins, another friend of Alex's, and Annabelle's roommates. They are her closest friends. I'm surprised there are only three of them. When she was little, my daughter's list of friends was endless. All a part of growing up I guess. Although, her journey was contrary to mine. As I became older, loved ones were only added to my life.

From the corner, I watch with a smile as Annabelle and Rae hang up the last of the decorations. Tris slowly passes to our daughters colourful ribbons, artfully woven into flowers, as they reach up to stick them on the white wall. Rae is not as tall as Annabelle, but they're both taller than Tris is, so they left her in charge of the decorations closer to the floor. Tris had scowled at this, insisting, as if she needed to, that her height had never been a limitation, and that if she can bring down men twice her size then she can _'sure as hell stick up some stupid pieces of decorations on the wall'_. Our daughters laughed at her, as did I. But eventually she gave in, and all in all, the house looks as beautiful as I think I've ever seen it.

Zeke, Shauna, Daniel and baby Jackson arrive next, bringing more food, drinks and two large gifts. Tris rushes to their aid, relieving them of the large bowl of food and reorganizing the delicacies on the table to make room.

She looks absolutely stunning. I can't help but stare. I always love it when Tris wears dresses. I love the way the fabric maps out every dip and curve of her body when it brushes against her frame. Besides, dresses are so much easier to get under. Motherhood has made her all the more striking and keeping my hands off her becomes increasingly more difficult with each new day.

Her hair is wrapped in an Abnegation bun and for a second it makes me wonder what our lives would have been like if we had both chosen differently. My cheeks become flushed when she catches me staring at her, but I don't look away. And as I stare into those beautiful eyes I know that we would have found each other no matter where we were. Faction or no faction; I am hers and she is mine.

Tris walks over to me and I press my back against the wall, taking her into my arms. Her skin feels smooth under my fingertips, like silk. These people need to get out of my house and leave me alone with my wife.

"It's rude to stare, Tobias," she tiptoes and whispers into my ear. Her breath against my skin makes the hair on my neck stand up. I inhale and exhale an uneven breath, struggling to keep other parts of my anatomy from standing up too.

"Maybe you should punish me," I mumble teasingly against her neck, kissing the warm skin there and savouring her fragrance. How is it that she always smells so incredible?

Tris falls back on her heels and pulls me toward her by the front of my shirt and she kisses me softly. The room disappears and I forget that we're not alone. There was a time when our inner Abnegation would have reprimanded us for doing such a private thing in such a public place. That time is no more. I slip my hand under her chin and hold her still as I kiss her back. She tastes like heaven. My hand finds its way around her neck, pulling her mouth deeper into mine. The kiss is still slow yet it builds in intensity, seeking to satisfy the craving that we will always have for each other.

I feel a hard double tap on my shoulder and it brings me back to reality.

"Why are my parents making out in front of my friends?" I turn to see my daughter's round, blue-grey eyes. They're bright, alive, beautiful just like her mother's. "I swear we won't be here that long. After we leave you two can get back to… _that_ ," Annabelle says, stifling a laugh and making giant hand gestures in the air. Then she backs away with a bounce in her step.

Tris buries an embarrassed laugh into my chest. It's so easy for us to get lost in one another. Despite the fact that we are parents to teenagers, we are still young and very much in love.

"She's so happy," Tris says with a smile, resting her head against my chest, listening to the sound of my beating heart as she so often does.

"Yeah, she is," I say. And not because it's her birthday. Annabelle wakes up on the right side of the bed almost every day.

"I think it's contagious," Tris says. "It's like she sucks the miserable right out of us."

I can't help but laugh at the irony. Tris and Rae both hated being stuck in Amity all those years ago. Said everyone was 'too happy', but they both love Annabelle beyond words. Then again, my daughter is cheerful but she is not quite like the Amity. She is always sincere. She is not afraid to cry. And when she's upset you _will_ know. Maybe that's just the Dauntless in her.

As Annabelle walks away I notice that there is something unusually shiny dangling around her neck. Tris notices too.

"That's a very beautiful necklace, Annabelle," Tris says, releasing herself from my embrace and making her way over to our daughter. I follow behind, my hand automatically resting on the small of her back.

"Thank you," Annabelle replies sweetly to her mother. "It was a gift." And she continues into the living room, taking a seat beside her friends. Everyone seems to have relocated here as we wait for Alex. Both branches of the Pedrad clan have comfortably seated themselves in our large, black couch. I take a seat on the arm of the couch, beside Christina, and pull Tris into my lap gently.

"From whom?" Tris then asks.

"Dominic," Annabelle replies, biting her lip the way her mother does.

"And who is Dominic?" I interject. I don't like the idea of boys giving my daughter gifts. I don't like the idea of boys around my daughter at all.

Rae inquires loudly, "The gorgeous Candor transfer from your initiate class?!"

"Yes."

"Nice!" Rae shrieks.

Annabelle's cheeks become flushed with colour when she answers, "Very." That is not a good thing. Although I cannot say that I'm surprised. Initiation is where people meet their best friends, girlfriends, boyfriends. It's where I met Zeke and Shauna, It's where Tris met Christina and Will and Uriah.

Unfortunately, my baby girl _is_ getting older, and anyone with eyes would adore her. By Dauntless standards she is an adult and she answers for herself, but that doesn't make it any easier. I perish at the gruesome mental image of a boy's hands even just within reach of her. But whoever he is, it won't take too long for her brother to scare him off, so I don't think I need to worry too much about her.

Alex, I do worry about. Dauntless girls can be too much sometimes. Too loud, too bold, too arrogant, pierced and tattooed on every imaginable piece of skin and altogether just too much. If he's as much like me as I think he is, he won't want anything to do with them. I can only hope that someone falls into his life the way Tris fell into mine.

"Is that what you two did during training?" Tris shifts her weight on my leg so that she can direct the question to them both. "Drool over guys?"

Christina begins to laugh loudly, shaking her seven year old daughter, Heather, in her lap as she laughs. I prepare for the worst.

"You're one to talk! At least she didn't fall hopelessly in love with her instructor and have his love children," Christina blurts out, and the living room is bursting with laughter. Tris walked right into that one. Eighteen years in Dauntless and Christina is still a Candor loud mouth.

I remember how much I hated her the first time I met her, because she was a Candor, because words just dribbled out of her mouth unchecked, careless. But over the years she has shown me over and over again who she really is, a forgiving and faithful friend. I've come to see what Tris sees in her best friend, and I can't help but like her now. I'm glad she's a part of our family.

I smile knowingly at Christina, and she leaves a hard pat on my back before sinking deeper into the couch and playing with Heather. Everyone else breaks off into conversation but since the topic is already on the table, I'd much rather reminisce on my first moments with Tris.

"First jumper," I whisper playfully into Tris' right ear. She laughs quietly, yet it is the only sound I hear amongst the loud banter in our living room. "Remember when I told you to keep tension here?" I say, rubbing my hand slowly against her abdomen. She places her hand on top of mine and with a beautifully playful look on her face she says, "Remember when you threw knives at me?" And then she rolls her eyes and huffs out a breath, but I see the smile forcing its way on her lips.

"That's because you're so beautiful when you're being brave." I kiss her neck. "And selfless," I whisper in her ear. These people _really_ need to get out of my house. I'm sure if they knew all the ungodly things I have done to Tris in this couch they would stand up immediately.

"Alex needs to hurry!" Zeke shouts finally, interrupting my reverie. "I'm ready to get drunk as sh…" his voice fades out as he gets a hard glare from Shauna and he looks over and sees his niece staring up at him. "S.H.I.T.," he concludes.

At least now I know where Chris picked up that particular habit.

"You _do_ know that she can spell right?" Christina asks flippantly, covering her daughter's ears.

"You're kidding," Zeke says, dumbfounded. "I couldn't spell at that age."

"I don't doubt that."

Alex's whereabouts then become the topic of conversation. I'll be glad to see him. I miss him. He's been missing dinner a lot lately.

We all laugh as Annabelle defends her brother. Shauna chips in, explaining the hardships of being a fence guard, and Daniel is suspiciously quiet. Whatever is going on with Alex, he knows. I try not to worry about it too much though. If it were something serious, he would come to me. My son and I speak freely.

"Why don't you try that twin thing Chris was telling you guys about?" I suggest, desperate enough to get this show on the road that I'll try anything.

Annabelle squeezes her eyes shut and places two fingers on her right temple. She takes a deep breath and attempts to communicate telepathically with her brother.

"Nope. Nothing," she says after much effort.

"Even if such a thing were possible, dad," Chris explains to me, "I can only imagine that theory holding true for identical twins. I'd try and explain it to you but you probably wouldn't understand." He frowns and then adds, "Although, it's actually not that complex."

"I think your nine year old son just implied that he's smarter than you," Zeke says, cradling his now sleeping baby boy. There goes his plan of getting drunk.

"No," I reply, grinning from ear to ear, "He actually implied that I'm not smart at all."

"There's a difference?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Well, at least I know I'm smarter than _you_ ," I say in a hushed voice. Shauna snorts next to her husband, trying to suppress a laugh. Christina and Uriah aren't so modest. Neither is Tris, and her body shakes as she cackles wickedly in my lap. I bury my face into her back as I chuckle there. Then I squeeze her a little bit tighter and whisper inappropriate witticisms in her ear about how close we're sitting to where we made our youngest and the genes she passed on to him.

Before Tris, everything had stalled inside me. Every morning was just moving toward nighttime. I was certain I'd never form a real home here – so certain that I had decided to leave, to go factionless. But then one day she came and changed everything, made everything beautiful.

She smiles at me before leaving a sweet kiss on my lips, and in that instant I feel entirely at peace with my life. I will never regret choosing to protect my family, putting off a war and not taking down the factions. But in moments like these I find myself thinking that maybe things will be ok even if we never do. I have an amazing family. I have friends that are _like_ family. I'm happy. There was never a day I believed that I could be that fortunate.

* * *

 **A/N: I'd hate to be the guy who bursts Tobias' euphoric bubble. Wouldn't** _ **you**_ **? Lol Please let me know what you guys thought of this chapter! :)  
**


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N: A special Thank You goes out to IceFire15 for putting her stamp of approval on this chapter and for also adding a stroke of her own writing genius to it ;) Sending much love in her direction.**

 **And Thank you iheartfourtrisdiv for being my 50th follow! :)**

 **I really hope you all enjoy this chapter :)**

 **Disclaimer 1: I do not own Divergent.**

* * *

 **30\. Sweet Seventeen - Part 2**

 **ALEX**

"Listen, I am so sorry about this. I completely forgot," I say, remorse and frustration battling for control over the muscles in my face as I fight with my jeans. I try to pull them up quickly but each pant leg resists as I attempt to slide them over legs that are still wet from a very quick shower. Abby tries to make sense of my hair, but battling with my clothes is making me move around too much to make that an easy task.

"You forgot it was your birthday?" she asks with an idle smile as she collects my shirt from the bed and swings it around my back for me to push my arms in. I had asked for her to stay with me tonight forgetting that my parents had already made plans. I don't know how since the dinner was actually _my_ idea. But sometimes I just get so caught up with Abby that I forget anything or anybody else exists. I open my mouth to try and explain but she doesn't let me.

"It's ok, Alex. I understand," she says with sincerity, pressing her small palm into the side of my face. "I'll just hang around in here until you get back." She kisses my cheek and when her hand falls, her fingers work at the buttons of my shirt as I curve my arms around and behind her to roll up my long sleeves a little. We always seem to work like this, in sync, like two people of the same mind.

I look at her as she's standing in front of me making a final attempt at taming my hair, and I want to kiss her and tell her that I love her, but a declaration of such magnitude can only complicate things. I want to tell her that I wish she could come with me tonight, that I wish she could meet my family, but I dare not ruin this moment by pointing out the elephant in the room. Pointing it out means talking about it. Talking about it means hearing her tell me that one day she will, or falling apart as her silence implies that she might never. We've been together for exactly ten months now and we've managed to avoid the topic completely. I've realized she doesn't want to talk about it any more than I do.

I don't know what my parents would say if I told them about her. I was contemplating telling my father, and at one point I almost did. But I decided that I'll only tell him if- when- if- when, I don't know which, Abby starts initiation at Dauntless. If she doesn't come then it won't matter.

"There." She straightens my eyebrows. "You look handsome."

"That's because you're rubbing off on me," I say, and I blush a little. I don't know how anyone as beautiful as Abby could ever use those words to describe me. I take her face between my palms and I say, "I'll be back before midnight so that there's still some birthday left for you, ok?" She giggles and nods, and I leave her with a kiss before I head out.

I know that I will miss her tonight, but I've missed my family too. So much so that even before I open the front door of the large apartment where I spent the first sixteen years of my life, my heart races with excitement and I grin. I hear voices in the living room- a chorus of them, in fact, joined by occasional bursts of laughter.

"Finally!" my uncle Zeke shouts as I open the door. "We were just about to start the party without you, Alex," he grins at me from the couch. It's a wide grin. I'm sure I can see all of his teeth.

"Happy Birthday to you too, Uncle Zeke," I say with a smile. I look around and suddenly realize that everybody's already here. Tori and my aunt Shauna are arm wrestling by the breakfast bar in the kitchen, Dani is dancing around with my little cousin Jackson and Dominic's in the corner chatting with Annabelle.

I'm glad he could make time from his busy schedule, seeing that he's a Dauntless leader in training and all. But considering how sparkly that birthday gift around Anna's neck is, I don't think he's here for me. It's a wonder my dad hasn't seen it. Or maybe he has, and he's hoping that I'll scare off the culprit. Usually I'd be happy to oblige, but so far Dom's given me no reason to object to him pursuing my sister. Strangely enough I kinda like the idea. I guess maybe because he's the only guy who's ever bothered to ask me how I felt about it. He might know a thing or two about loyalty.

The walls have been decorated with ribbons, drapes and a huge handmade poster that seems to have once said ' _Happy Birthday Alex & Anna',_ all in capital letters. But the names have obviously been cut out and switched around, leaving Anna's name first. All I can do is laugh and shake my head at the sight of it. On one wall there is a collage of pictures of me and Anna, taken on our previous birthdays. I'm pretty sure I'm naked in one of them. I'm suddenly glad that it's mostly family here, or that would have been _very_ embarrassing.

There's a bowl of confetti in the middle of the center table in the living room, covering the hole that my sister had shot through it with her bow and arrow when we were twelve, and there's a large, red bow at the top of the doorframe of the hall that leads to the bedrooms. There are permanent dashes etched into either side of that wooden frame, each one higher than the last and with a date marked beside it. The left side is mine and the right side is Anna's, the evidence of our growth over the years.

Sometimes I really miss this house. There are precious memories carved even in the air inside of it.

There's a table filled with gifts but I don't get too excited. Last year my uncle Zeke and aunt Shauna gave me a beautifully wrapped empty box. Uriah also gave me a beautifully wrapped box, but with another box inside. That one _was_ empty. My aunt Christina is the only one who ever wastes her time buying gifts for anybody, and somehow she always finds the right one, as difficult as that is. Chris is the easiest to shop for. Just buy him a book, open it to the first page and if you can't get past the first sentence without needing a dictionary at least twice then it's perfect.

My uncle Caleb usually just sends a card. Inter-factionary greetings can be complicated. I don't know how my mother does it. I can tell that she misses him. They only get to see each other on visiting day; legally anyways.

I don't know what I would have done if Annabelle had changed factions. On choosing day I had told her that I would follow her, but that was a terribly easy thing to say considering that I knew she'd never leave home. In that moment I realize that unlike most of the people around me, I have not had to make a difficult decision in my entire life. How is it that I have never been aware of that until now?

I continue to greet my friends and family and a wide grin catches my face when I see the variety of food laid out on the dinner table. There's enough to feed us all for at least a few days, so my mother simply smiles and says nothing when she sees my father stealing bits and pieces of things from the table.

Their eyes land on me as I step closer to them and the honesty in their smiles overwhelms me. It even makes me feel guilty. All these preparations must have taken hours, and after everything that they've done for me today, _I_ should be the one beaming, not them. My parents may be Dauntless now, but there's an undeniable touch of Abnegation in everything that they do. They always put each other first, they always put _us_ first, and that self-denial fulfils them.

My mother runs to me, arms open wide. "Alex!" she squeals. And as I fold into my mother's arms I can't help but feel more than a little blessed today. I've never done anything to deserve this life. It almost feels selfish that I should have it at all. I don't think I've ever been grateful enough for it, but I think after today, I definitely will be.

* * *

"SPEEEEEEEEEEEECH!" Uriah yells from across the hall, raising a tall glass of whatever he's drinking to the ceiling. "Who's first?" he asks. "Let's keep it short to give everyone a chance to speak before we're all too drunk to finish." By the looks of him, I don't think we have much time before that happens.

"Since they are _my_ children and I am the worst at this, I'll go first." My father sets down his drink on the counter behind him. Everyone is quiet until my mother says, "Well then maybe you should go last. That way nobody will be sober enough to remember when you make a fool of yourself."

"Careful, Tris," my father says in a serious tone. They stare at each other with piercing eyes for a few seconds, but then a smile forces its way on both of their faces and then they're laughing uncontrollably. It must be an inside joke because I do _not_ get it and by the looks of confusion in the room nobody else does either.

"Alex, Belle," my father says finally. "I'd just like to say that I'm very proud of the both of you and all that you've accomplished in the past year. You sailed through initiation, picked some interesting jobs-" my dad scratches his head. I'm not sure which one of us he's referring to. Neither of us picked jobs reflective of our ranking.

"Dad, it's the only place I get to do what I love," Annabelle whines beside him, assuming it's her.

"Being around large, shirtless men?" My father says. His face contorts as if the thought alone is like giant needles pricking into him.

"I resent that!" my aunt Tori yells. "People tattoo more than just their chests and backs, Four. You'd be surprised to know how many men asked me to tattoo their-"

"Don't tease him, Tori!" Annabelle cries out with a laugh. "You know it's not about that, dad," she says, looking up at our father with sentimental eyes.

He grimaces at Tori but with little effort he smiles at Anna. "Let me finish my speech, baby girl," he says as he puts his arms around her neck and kisses the top of her head. After a long pause he simply says, "Yeah." He exhales.

"You really do suck at this dad," Christian says as he throws a grape at our father. It barely misses, landing on the counter behind him. He picks it up and eats it, obviously in an attempt to try and distract himself. My father hates having an audience.

"So," he continues, "I'm glad that you both have been able to keep yourselves out of trouble for seventeen years."

Rae coughs incriminatingly beside me. "Sorry," she says, hitting her chest. "This is some really strong wine."

Rae and I do this from time to time. Harmless sibling fun. I don't know why. She always loses.

"Is there something that I should know about before I continue commending their good behaviour?" Our father looks at her questioningly.

She shakes her head. "No. Not at all."

But yeah, actually. There is. I left my Amity girlfriend locked up in my apartment while I came over here.

"Good." My dad picks up his cup and takes a sip. "Anyways, you're the best duo any man could ask for. You're everything that's good in me and I love you both. Happy Birthday." His cup is in the air and the hooting begins, echoing throughout the room.

After a while my mother raises her hand, silencing them all. I always wonder how she does that. "Annabelle," she says. "You are the joy of this family. You light up every room you walk into. I never imagined that I'd have such a happy daughter."

"That's the universe trying to establish balance, what with Rae and all...," I strike back at my old sister. Rae flicks me in the ear, hard. I flinch and my mouth twists in pain. With the corner of my eye I can see an evil smirk in her face. My mom turns to me. "Alex," she says.

"Mother."

"You're an ass," she answers, unable to contain her smile.

"And you're an ever bigger ass now that you've lost your virginity," Rae whispers beside me. It takes everything in me not to laugh. I bite my lips between my teeth but they refuse to stay put.  
 _  
Focus, Alex. Focus._ I contain myself.

"It's one of the many things your father passed on to you," my mother continues. My dad looks at Zeke with wide eyes, pointing at himself in disbelief, mouthing the question 'me?'. Uncle Zeke gives him an earnest nod in confirmation. I can't help but laugh at them both. They remind me so much of Dani and me. "Luckily, it's not the only thing. You're brave and strong-"

"No. That's all you, Tris," my dad interrupts. She blushes but she doesn't turn around to look at him. "And you've always looked out for your sister," she says to me.

"Maybe a weeee bit too much," Annabelle says, squinting her eyes and pressing a pinch of air between two fingers, her voice squeaking on the 'wee'.

"At least he's never pulled out his junk and peed on your boyfriend," Rae says to Anna.

My face twists in confusion. "I've never peed on-"

 _or have I?_ I stop and think to myself.

I _have_.

I _did_.

"I was eight years old!"

"That's a horrible excuse, Alex!" My little brother shouts from the table. "I don't recall having peed on anyone last year."

"What can I say?" I say to Rae, shrugging. "I've always been an excellent judge of character."

"Oh shut up and let mom finish."

My mother's face is red and her entire body is shaking with laughter, but she doesn't miss it when Rae calls her mom. I'd say that doesn't happen very often, but I don't think it's ever happened at all before now. Tears well in her eyes, but she bites her bottom lip and holds them back. "You've been like that since you were one day old," she then says to me. "I've never told you this but when you were born, you made sure it was safe before you cried and told Annabelle to come out."

I shake my head slowly with mock seriousness. "That's not why I cried," I say. "I cried because I knew that I would never, ever have my own birthday party."

"Do you _ever_ stop talking?" Rae cries out.

"Not when I'm around family," I say with a smile.

Rae flicks me again, but the entire room is too filled with laughter for anyone else to notice, until Uriah silences it. "Ok everybody, quiet down. It's Rae's turn," he shouts, his arms in the air.

"Do I _have_ to?" She says groggily, rolling her eyes.

"Express your love for me? Yes," I tease. I feel her body shake beside me as she chuckles.

"Alexander and Annabelle," she says with a smile that quickly disappears. Her face becomes serious. "I remember the day you guys were born." And with her voice breaking she says, "It was the worst day of my life." She begins to cry but it quickly turns into laughter. At one point I almost thought she was serious, given the way everybody in the room was looking at her. "But I love you guys so much," she says as she wipes the tears from her eyes.

"You are so dramatic, Rae!" Annabelle leaves our father and walks over to Rae, squeezing her into a tight hug. "We love you so much too."

"Speak for yourself," I say as I take a step away from them. I cry out in pain as Rae flicks my ear a third time. "Ow! That really hurts you know."

My aunt Christina shouts loudly across the room, "I think we should let Alex speak because he obviously has a lot he wants to say tonight."

I smile at this. "Ok, Ok," I concede. "Anna," I say as I turn to face my twin sister. Her arms are still wrapped tightly around Rae. "We shared a womb," I begin. "And we've shared just about everything else since then, even our secrets."

Anna smiles and sweetly says, "I had my own placenta."

"Yeah, but they fused," I say with a smile and she chuckles. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that… you've always been such a constant part of my life. And well…," I shrug, "now that you're such an independent woman who doesn't need her big brother, my life's a bit duller."

"Of course I need you."

"No you don't," I admit. "You never did." I've never given my sister enough credit. Maybe because that meant accepting that she's not the same Anna who used to force me to wear tiaras and play tea party with her, accepting that she'd be just fine without me. "But I'll always be here just in case you ever do. You'll always have me." With wet eyes she smiles at me and I raise my glass. "Happy Birthday, Annabelle."

"Happy Birthday, Alexander." She raises hers to mine.

"And thanks to everybody else," I say, addressing the room. "You guys are the best. You can all go home now!"

But they don't. We spend the next half hour listening to kind words and moving congratulations until everyone has spoken. "To Anna an a na…." A drunk Uriah raises his glass clumsily as his voice trails off, graciously closing off the compliments section of the night.

" _That's_ why your name doesn't go first!" Christian yells at Annabelle and she runs over to him to fight her case, I guess. I laugh at them.

I truly wish Abby could be here. My family would love her and I know that she'd love them. I don't know how close I am to convincing her to come to Dauntless, but everything inside of me hopes that she does.

As I watch my parents slow dance to an old rock song in the middle of the room, lost in each other's eyes and completely oblivious to the world around them, I realize just how badly I want this with her and only her. I've fallen in love with the way my T-shirts cradle her body, the way her head fits so perfectly in the crook of my neck.

I begin to miss her and I plot my escape, making sure to collect cake and other things from the table that I'm sure she'd like. My aunt Shauna and uncle Zeke were the only ones who left early since baby Jackson isn't one for parties. I take my cousin Heather to Anna's old bedroom when her eyes start to get heavy, and after Christian goes to bed I sneak out when I think everyone else is too drunk to notice. I was careful not to drink too much. I'd rather be lucid when I get back home to Abby.  
 _  
When I get back home to Abby,_ I think. The thought is provocative; us, one day having a real home together.

As promised, I get home with five minutes of birthday left to spare. I open my front door expecting to find her still awake but all the lights are off. I mentally hit myself for taking too long to come back, thinking that she's fallen asleep, but then I see the bedroom door slightly cracked open and there's an orange flicker coming from inside.

What is she doing?

I push open the bedroom door and there she is, beautifully posed on my bed, bare. I freeze and I'm sure my mouth hits the floor. This day can't possibly get any better. _Or can it?_ I think rudely.

"Happy Birthday," Abby whispers, taking a bite out of a red apple that I know has no other purpose here but to tease me. For a minute I can't help but wonder how long she's been lying there, just waiting. But my thoughts are abandoned when my absolute attention becomes fixated on the sensual picture of her lips dancing as she chews. My mouth waters. "Well, come on," she laughs, and in two quick seconds my shirt is already off and I'm thrown across the bed. Don't have to tell _me_ twice.

I hastily lock my fingers behind her ear and I bring her lips to mine but when she's so close that I can feel her breath on my skin, she pulls always and my face follows hers greedily. I moan quietly, my eyes begging. "Uh uh," she says, placing a finger on my lips. I can't help but kiss it. "No hands." And she pulls out a soft, thin rope, almost like a shoelace, from a tiny bag beside the dresser table.

"You can't possibly imagine all the things I want to do to you right now." I gulp. "How am I supposed to do any of those things if I can't move my hands?" But she doesn't answer me. Abby swings one leg over me and straddles my hips as she fastens both of my arms to the headboard of the bed. "Abigail," I say with a jagged and breathless voice. "Untie me right now."

"I'll untie you when I'm ready," she says. The mounds of her ample front lean over me and I can't help but drown my face between them. She smells amazing. I try to taste them but she won't let me.

"This isn't very Amity of you," I say, teasing her like I always do.

"Are you kidding?" she giggles. "This is as Amity as one can get." And then she smiles at me and says, "Today isn't about me. It's about _you_. So I'm doing all the work tonight." I gulp.

Her fingers work to unbutton my jeans and slowly and most teasingly she pulls them down. My legs tremble and my lips are shaking, but not from the cold. It's the middle of summer. Although, that is not the reason why it's so hot in this room right now. I stare at her hungrily and all I want to do is break this damn rope and have my way with her.

I let out a deep breath, impossibly trying to control the urge that becomes stronger at every pulse of blood that rushes through me. I bite into my lip until I'm almost sure that it bleeds.

"Relax," Abby whispers to me, stern. And it is the last coherent and sober thing that is said, or felt, or done.

Best. Birthday. Ever.

* * *

 **A/N: So just because I feel the need to:  
Disclaimer 2: I do not promote sexual behaviour in sixteen/seventeen year olds. I also do not promote the shooting of guns or the manipulation of weaponry of any kind, physical violence, tattooing of the skin, unnecessary piercings, alcohol consumption, a 9 to 5 job or most of the other things that Dauntless sixteen years olds do in the Divergent world created by Veronica Roth. But I do still love the Divergent series and so do you ;)**

 **Don't worry. They will be meeting Abby soon enough :) And I hope you all got the 'Careful, Tris,' joke lol If not, check out Divergent chapter 7, in the dining hall.**

 **Please let me know what you guys thought of this chapter! :)**


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: Has it really been a year already? ;)**

* * *

 **31\. What now?**

 **ALEX**

Everything seems easier lately. Falling asleep with my Abby beside me, waking up with her still wrapped in my arms, even jumping out of bed and making breakfast together, it's all become the song of my everyday life and every second of it feels… right.

There are no careless touches. There are no casual kisses. Every point of contact between us is important and charged with energy. We breathe together, we move together. I've memorized her and she has memorized me. Abby has become so engrained into my life that I can't imagine how I ever lived without her. In her absence all I can do is think about her, even now, when I'm actually supposed to be 'working'. Violently, I snap myself back into the here and now, but only because the day is almost over and I'll be seeing her soon anyways.

I breathe in deep, taking in the fresh Amity air as I watch the sun fall over the horizon. I took this job so that I could be closer to Abby, but somewhere along the way I came to appreciate the sereneness of Amity. It's nothing like the loud, underground life of Dauntless. Sometimes I think I could see myself out here. Other times I miss the action and the noise, and I find myself engaging in the barely competitive sparring of the other guards, or shooting at far off leaves to practice my aim. I doubt I'll ever need that particular skill, but it's still one that I'm proud to have and I'd rather not lose it. I'll never forget the look of pride in my father's eyes when I shot my first bulls-eye. It felt incredible, having him look at me like that.

The weight of my gun no longer bears my arms down after holding it for almost ten hours every day, and conversations with Timothy have become surprisingly more interesting. With the passage of time, getting through the morning hours has become easier, more than just bearable, and sometimes even enjoyable. Especially when Abby goes to help reap beyond the fence just so that we could get a glimpse of each other.

Sometimes she pretends to bump into me and I'd slowly help her pick up the fallen fruits while we have a short exchange of words; meaningful ones. When I miss her touch I steal a quick one, grazing my fingers against her own by 'accidently' reaching for an apple at the same time she does. Sometimes it's all we get in the daylight, since we're not supposed to engage the Amity. But it's enough to get me to the end of my shift, and when my relief comes, I make my way to meet Abby by the orchards where we're hidden by tall trees and the darkness of the night.

 _That_ is when my day begins.

Like most days, she's already standing by our tree when I get there. Usually she stares out looking for me, an anxious smile on her face. But today she's just standing there, staring at the ground, playing with the hem of her blouse. She does that when she's nervous or upset. If the cloth were old enough, she'd rub holes right through it. I walk a little faster, realizing that something's obviously wrong.

"Hey," I say softly as I lean into her, pressing my hands on our tree on either side of her face. When she looks up at me I see that she's been crying. It terrifies me. My eyes open wide and I take her face into my hands. "What's wrong, Abby? Talk to me," I say, fretful, but determined to fix whatever's wrong.

She looks away from me, biting her lips to keep them from shaking. More tears form in her eyes and she swallows hard, but she says nothing.

"Abby," I say pleadingly, gliding my thumbs across her cheeks and my hands against her hair.

She looks up at me and her voice is muffled when she finally says, "I'm choosing in a week."

I freeze.

Her soft words are like a bomb, blasting loudly inside my head and unsettling every vital organ in my body. I feel my heart sink lower into my chest, pulling down all of my strength with it. I knew this conversation was inevitable, and I've had all of three hundred and fifty eight days to figure out what I'd say to her or how I'd say it. But here I am, with only seven days left, and I don't have a damn clue.

"I know." It's all I can say.

"Do you know what that means for us," she asks cautiously. "Or are we just gonna keep ignoring it until we can't anymore?" Her voice is tense, like pulled wire. She holds my gaze this time. She's become better at having difficult conversations. Although, this is one of those times I wish we could ignore the problem like the Amity taught her to do.

I search my head for the perfect answer, but I know that there is none.

I knew it was impossible, but a part of me dreamed that I could make factional law disappear by sheer force of will. A part of me chose to believe that if I pretended that they didn't exist, they'd just go away. But as much as I don't want to face it, if Abigail doesn't choose Dauntless then we'll never be able to be together. And I don't know if she will, yet somehow, I've already decided that I will marry her someday. I don't know how… I just know that I will.

"Why did we even do this?" she says with a pained voice. The tears roll down her cheeks and she digs her fingers into her hair as she shakes her head. "I don't even know why I was so stupid!" She stares at the ground again and I fight to find the right words to say but then she says, "Maybe this was a mistake."

My mouth falls open and my face twists in confusion and anger and depression. How could she say that? Every day since the day I met her I've been awed at just how beautifully we fit together, as if I was made for her and she for me, as if we were written in the stars. I lean closer into her and with a dense agony in my chest I softly say, "Abigail, this wasn't a mistake. _We_ aren't a mistake." But she doesn't look at me. She knows that we aren't.

I promised myself that I wouldn't let my hopes get too high, but as the magnificently perfect days and nights that we spent together rolled on, I couldn't help it. I felt it in her kiss. I saw it in her eyes. She loves me too.

"But aren't we, Alex?" she says finally, pushing herself away from the tree and away from me. I feel weaker all of a sudden. Even the slightest distance between us, both physical and otherwise, is painful and it draws from my strength. "Because after I choose what happens then? We continue sneaking off to see each other? Then what happens after that?" she cries. "It's a dead end." There's brokenness in her eyes, but there's a fierceness too. Deep inside of them I recognize the look of defeat, of decision. She's already made her choice.

That's when I remember, that night I told her that we'd continue to be together because it's what we both wanted. I replay her voice in my head asking me, ' _And then, when we can't anymore? What do we do?'_

My heart sinks even deeper and my fists clench into solid rocks at my side. I let out a rough and frustrated breath at the apparent reality that Abby was _always_ planning to come back to Amity. With not so many words she had said so. I just didn't want to hear it. Or maybe I knew but I wanted to try and change her mind anyway. Maybe I didn't want to believe that she wouldn't even consider it.

"You're coming back to Amity," I say flatly.

"Of course I am," Abby says carefully. "What else did you think I was gonna do?" Her eyes open wide and I can almost see the wheels turning inside her head as she puts the pieces together. She examines the pleading look that I know is written all over my face. "Alex… I can't choose Dauntless," she almost whispers. There's a look of horror on her face, as if she didn't know that that is what I was hoping for. But this unsettles me further. I don't see how she couldn't have known. I've made it obvious over and over during the past year that I wanted her to come be with me. And she has made it obvious to me over and over during the past year that she _wants_ to come be with me. And now she tells me that she can't? It doesn't make any sense.

"I know we'd both like to pretend that this isn't coming to an end," she says, taking a step toward me. She reaches as if to take my hand and for the first time ever, I'm not sure I want her to touch me. But then when she changes her mind and pulls back, it still feels like rejection. "But it is," she concludes.

"But, it doesn't have to!" I yell, frustrated. I don't care if anybody hears me. I don't care if anybody finds us. I'm at the brink of losing her. I'm fighting back the tears now and I can hardly breathe. My heart is galloping yet it's barely beating. "Don't you understand?" And with my heart in my hands I say, "I never want this to end."

"We don't have a choice!" Abby yells back at me.

"Yes we do!" I grab her face with my hands. " _You_ do."

"I'm not Dauntless, Alex!" she cries out, fiercely pressing her palms into mine. "I like singing around campfires and climbing trees. I hate violence, I don't like guns, and I don't ever want to experience my worst fears." She pauses for a while and then whimpers, "I'll never survive initiation." And with all the reluctance I can muster, I tell myself that that's not true. I tell myself that because she's brave and spirited and burns like a flame, she could be happy there. I tell myself that Dauntless wouldn't stifle her the same way it stifles me sometimes. I know I'm wrong but I can't stop fighting for her, I won't. It feels preposterously selfish of me, but there is nothing in me that is willing to give her up.

"Abby, I'll take care of you," I say. Each word leaves my lips sounding like a desperately plea. "My dad's in leadership, he can get you into Dauntless."

Abby shakes her head at this, and she pulls my hands away from her face, angry.

"Alex, do you have any idea what you're asking me to do?" she asks me. "You're asking me to leave everything behind. You're asking me to forget who I am. You're asking me to leave Sarah, the only family I have left. I can't be happy there," she says, firm.

I scoff a little, but only because I know that she can't be happy in Amity either. She's not like them. She never was. I want to tell her that she's wrong, that _I_ can be her family. I want to tell her that nothing can stop us from being together and I want to rip apart every notion that suggests otherwise. Distressed and desperate, I take a step closer to her.

"I'm asking you to come be with me." I'm begging her. "I can make you happy."

"You're asking me for a lot more than that." She takes a step back. "And it's not very kind of you to ask so much of me." No. No, it's not. But I thought I would ask anyways.

Times like these, I vehemently question the results of my aptitude test. There are times when selfishness dominates me. There are times when cowardice overpowers me. There are times, times like these, when I don't know _what_ I am.

"I think you should go now," Abby whimpers quietly, breaking the silence that I didn't even realize was building. "And I don't think we should see each other again."

Her words would break me if I weren't already shattered.

"So that's it?... Just like that? After everything-" and I feel choked all of a sudden. Abby rubs harder into her blouse at the crack of my voice. She looks like she almost wants to rip it. "Are you sure that this is what you want?" I ask, not believing for a second that it is. I place my palm gently on her shoulder, wanting so badly to pull her closer to me, hoping that somehow my touch will bring her back to me. I can feel her body trembling, her breaths are unsteady.

"Yes." Her body tenses as the word leaves her lips. She's lying. I know she's lying.

"Abby..."

"Go."

"Abigail," I beg, my vision blurred by unsummoned tears. I touch my hand to her face but she pulls it away, squeezing my fingers the way she does when she's afraid. And under the very same tree where a year ago on this very same day she transformed my universe, she threatens to destroy it.

"Just go." Her voice is barely a soft whimper. She lets go of my hand and it falls lifelessly to my side.

She doesn't want this. I can feel it. And the part of me that knows that just can't comply with her demand, so my feet remain planted. "I can't be without you," I say. But what I mean is _I love you_.

I'm pathetic. And hearing the pathetic words leave my lips reassures me of my patheticness. For all of sixteen years I had been afraid to fall in love, afraid to tie my existence to someone else's. But with Abby there was no fear, no resistance. In fact there was strength in it, surety. She became the rhythm of my beating heart, the reason the sun rose every morning, and there's no turning back now. She's left her mark on my being and it's as permanent as the ink on my chest.

"Please, Alex," she says, closing her eyes. "Please don't make this any harder than it already is." Thick streams of sadness pour down her cheeks and they make me hate everything. I don't know why she's doing this. I don't know how she can push me away when every limb of my body just wants to be entangled with hers. I'm not ready to go. I don't want to go. There are so many things that I'd like to say to her, to ask her, to do to her. My lips tremble as they yearn for another kiss, but I'm afraid that if I bring my lips to hers and feel her breath against my face I won't let her go. I won't let her leave me. So I don't.

"Ok," I whisper, and somehow I bring myself to walk away. I don't look back. I just keep walking and breathing in an effort to steady my heart. It's thumping so loud that I can hear it echoing in the darkness around me. My lips tremble with every step, and my fists clenched as I try to smash through every unsuspecting tree that happens to be in my way.

So many emotions come to a boil inside of me and my calm disposition disintegrates. I never knew that this side of me even existed. Triggered by anger, hurt, loss, betrayal and love all at once. I'm angry at her, I realize. I'm angry that she didn't choose me. I'm angry at myself for falling in love with her. And I know that it's purely selfish of me to be angry at her because deep down I know that she's right. She wouldn't be any happier at Dauntless than I would be at Amity.

My feet slow down for a moment and I try to let it sink in. Yes, at least we would have been together, but at what cost? Was I really willing to let her disown all that she is just so that I could grow old with her? If she's mad at me, she has every right to be. Sacrifices like those must be made freely.

I look back. I'm not sure how long I've been treading now, but I know that I've left the Amity compound far behind me. Still, my eyes search the night for a glimpse of her, begging for a chance to say I'm sorry. I search in vain, as if I didn't know that already.

In that moment all anger leaves me and pure desperation takes its place. Desperation for a different reality. Desperation for a cure for the pain that now threatens to stop my heart.

Suddenly my body gives in with the rest of me. My knees fold and I fall to the ground. With heavy breaths I stare at my now bruised knuckles and palms, clenching and unclenching my fists. I'm not going home tonight. I can't yet. Not after last night. She was there. She's been there every night since my birthday two months ago. Her scent is stained on my sheets and on my walls. Her fluffy blue pillow is thrown across my white one. Her bar of soap lies next to her toothbrush in a small blue dish on the corner of the sink. These now bruised and bloody hands caressed her gently as she nuzzled herself into my arms.

No, I can't go back there yet. Instead I look for a comfortable tree, if there is such a thing, and I find the strength to walk over to it. I sit on the cool grass and lean my back against the hard trunk, and I stare at the few stars above my head. I'm sleeping in the wild tonight, like a mad man.

I guess this is what it feels like; loving a woman. Because I do love her, although I've never told her, and I guess this is what love makes you do. I can't judge my father anymore. This is just one more way that I'm like him, apparently. Love turns us into wild men.

I laugh as I realize just how messed up this is and something that almost wants to be a smile is left across my face. For just a moment I forget the violent pain that's been gnawing away at my chest.

I don't fight the sudden stillness. Instead, I let it take hold of me and I close my eyes. My body becomes limp and heavy against the solid tree trunk. I breathe deeply until every breath is slow and even, allowing the silence to consume me and sleep to eventually subdue me.

* * *

 **A/N: And so it begins. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter.**


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: I know you guys are wondering what the hell is wrong with Abby. So I'm just gonna let her do the talking.**

* * *

 **32\. The Evil You Know**

 **ABBY**

I watch him walk away and it feels like my heart is being yanked away from my chest. Everything inside of me reaches out to grab him, to stop him, to tell him I need him, but my body is rooted deep and it stands still, winning the fight against the great force within me that wills it to move. My lips are pressed together, intent on keeping the screams of his name from getting away.

He doesn't look back. I've hurt him. I've hurt the only person who has ever made me feel comfortable in my own skin. Every part of me hopes he knows I never meant to. I did not want to. I have been dreading this day ever since I could no longer deny its imminent approach. Because just like him, for ever so long, I dared to hope that if we ignored them long enough, our circumstances would spontaneously combust or disappear into thin air.

I knew better. I knew better and still I chose to cradle us. We are a beautiful rose stolen from its branches, the most beautiful of them all. And even though our days were numbered from the very beginning, I cradled us as if contemplating on our beauty alone could somehow stop us from withering away. But a rose plucked from its branches can never last.

I assumed that the worst would be over when the talk concluded but I was wrong. I was oh so very wrong. My body shivers and I struggle to catch each quick breath of cold air that I do. I clasp on to the bark of the tree for dear life as I try to let the symphony of nature sooth me as it always does, but it does nothing. I hear nothing.

As his silhouette fades farther and farther away into the distance, more and more of me dies. Holding on to him and letting him go are as equally suicidal, I find. And as I feel my light fade into darkness, it gets harder and harder to breath, harder to contain the distress brewing inside of me. My heart is pounding as hard as it has ever pounded in my sixteen years. I'm about to give in and call out to him when another involuntary urge claims use of my mouth. I grab on to our tree as I vomit on its roots. It's a fitting gesture.

I may not be able to identify all of the emotions that have been uninvitedly passing through me as of late, but I recognize this one. This is panic. I remember panic all too well. It is what I felt that cold winter afternoon when my sister had brought me home early from school and told me that our mother was gone; panic and unspeakable horror.

After all, I guess this _is_ like death. I may never see him again.

But I promptly reconsider. Forbidden to be with him while he is still alive out there somewhere, going on without me? No. This is _not_ like death. This is so much worse. In death we are forced to move on as time does, as our loved ones become a part of the earth. But I know that I will not ever let him go as long as there is breath in either of us. As a tree anchored by deep roots that have twisted around earth and clay and stone, so are we embedded in each other.

I should try to catch my breath before I release my death grip off this poor tree, but I cannot bear to stand in this spot any longer. It is where I have spent so many perfect days and nights with him and I have tainted it. In more ways than one I'm reminded, as the taste of acid burns my throat.

With my tear-blurred vision, I run back to the house, dashing through the trees in the darkness. My pace has quickened over the year. Chasing trains has made me stronger, agile. I see the house in the distance, and there is a bright yellow blur with dark hair waiting for me on the porch; Sarah. I run faster, wanting no one to see me, wanting no one to ask me what's wrong. I cannot tolerate my faction tonight.

 _If I see but a single smile_ \- but I batter down the thought before its completion. I _hate_ violence. What is wrong with me?

I slip past my sister and run up the stairs to my bedroom, my sobs almost louder than my footsteps as they crash against the wooden stairs. I collapse on my bed. I bury my face into the mattress and I scream into it. My pain only intensifies when I recall just where my pillow is. I have barely slept in this room in the past few months and it barely feels like home anymore. Dauntless never felt quite like home either, but Alex did.

I hear the rhythmic squeaking of the floorboards as Sarah enters my room. She holds a cup of steaming tea in one hand and a small loaf of bread in the other. This is how my faction resolves 'negative emotions'. They don't. They mask it. They deny its existence.

The Amity lifestyle is so beautiful from the outside looking in. It appears to be so peaceful, decorated with beautiful smiles and friendly conversations. Well, it is not. There are a genuine few. There are those who wear a façade of duplicity, lies, and insincere ' _how are you'_ s. There are those who ingest more peace serum than they do water. And then there is me.

"Take it Abby… I know you don't like to, but it will help you to feel better and give you a good night's rest." Sarah sits herself on the edge of the bed and offers me momentary peace and a dreamless sleep but I don't want either. I want to feel the full weight of the heaviness crushing my chest. I want to feel the pain of losing him because it is all that I have left of him, it is all that connects me to him.

"I don't want to." I can barely speak at this point. The words leave my mouth as a nearly incoherent garble.

"Abby, I don't like seeing you like this." Her voice breaks and I realize that she's crying. I've only ever seen my sister cry twice. Once when our mother died, and then again when Alex helped me to muster the strength to talk to her about Laura, our ex foster mother. We made deep confessions that day. It's the day I found out that she only came back for me. Sarah had received an Abnegation result, but she came back for me.

I never told Alex. And now, knowing what he was hoping for, that I would trade Amity for Dauntless, I feel like the most despicable human being that has ever walked this planet. It was never my intention to make him believe that I would. I just wanted to be with him. Every morning that I woke up, I just wanted to be with him so that is what I did.

Be that as it may, it would be a lie to say the thought had never crossed my mind. Even now, I only want to be where he is. But in the few times that I had managed to get past the absurdity of me holding a gun or throwing a punch, I thought of Sarah and it is when I felt guiltiest for even debating whether or not to leave here.

She sets the tea and bread on the dresser table and as she lays herself beside me she wraps an arm around me, cradling my head into her soft bosom and brushing at my hair with her fingertips. "I'm so sorry, Abby," she whimpers into my hair.

I don't remember my mother much, but I remember that her embrace was just as soft as Sarah's is. At first it comforts me but then it sickens me. The heartbeat is all wrong. The texture of her body, the form of it, all wrong. My body bitterly rejects her touch as I realize that hers aren't the arms I want wrapped around me, but I retreat slowly. I am careful to not hurt my sister's feelings.

"I've got to go to the bathroom ok?" I say, feebly picking myself up off the bed. Everything hurts. My head, my arms, my heart, my spirit. Everything.

"Ok," she says, and I go. It would be wise to attend to my face anyway. If I happen to be seen like this, it is definitely going to raise concern. We are in the faction of the happy after all and crying is the unpardonable sin. I scoff at the thought. I have already supressed enough tears to drown myself and this city with me. I imagine people cry freely in Dauntless. Or maybe not, since tears are a sign of weakness.

As I open the bathroom door I catch a glimpse of my reflection off the square mirror that hangs at eye level, directly over the sink. I almost jump. Someone looking grotesquely pathetic stares back at me. I don't recognize the look in her eyes.

Emotions are still a stranger to me. I'm supposed to only let myself feel joy and those of its likeness. And for so long, the darkness I buried inside me rotted me from the inside out. It is only when I was no longer afraid to let them manifest themselves that I became free of them.

They've come back to haunt me.

"Who are you?" I whimper to the girl in the mirror. Her lips move as mine do but I bear no resemblance to her. Her eyes are as red as her hair, and they are swollen with agony. Why is this so unbearably painful?

 _Because you don't want this_

She somehow whispers into my head. She wants me to leave this place and go be with him. I cannot do that. Why can't she understand that? Before Alex, coming back to Amity was not a possibility, it was inexorable. Even if Sarah weren't here, I could not fit in anywhere else. She understood that once. What has changed?

"What am I supposed to do?!" I all but yell at her, at myself. Because we are one and the same, I realize. I am now only a shadow of who I once was. Sobs rack my body as another wave of unfamiliar emotions hijacks me, until I must clench my fingers on the edge of the sink in order to stay upright. Whatever this is, it's strong, stronger than anything I've ever felt.

I can't take it. I don't fight it anymore. I give in and my body collapses on the floor as I sob loudly. I do not recognize the sound that leaves me. It sounds terrifying, like the sound of death if death ever had a sound. My hands claw at my hair as I bury my head between my knees. I cannot breathe. Why can't I breathe?

"Who are you?" I whisper pitifully. I no longer know who I am. I no longer know what I want.

"Abby, is everything ok in there?" my sister calls to me. When I don't respond she begins to pound wildly on the door and it quakes against my back. "Open the door, Abby… Please." Her pleading is desperate and I know she only wants to comfort me, but I am uncertain that the tempest within me can be tamed.

Still, I scoot over and open the door. Sarah stoops down beside me, quickly taking me into her arms and rocking me back and forth. I don't want her to hold me but I let her, and her hand gently rubs at my shaking back as I cry. I press my face into her chest, flooding her favourite yellow shirt with my tears. As I sniffle, I take in her scent. She smells like ripe oranges, and it's strong enough to remind me of better days and a better place, and I regain control. I wrap my arms around her, squeezing her tightly. My breathing slows and my eyes close as I'm comforted in the warmth of her for just a moment.

"I don't want you to stay here for me."

Sarah's voice is a whisper but it rumbles beneath the ear pressed up against her chest. I sit up, bewildered. How could I not? She denied her own self in order to become my mother ever since she was fifteen years old. I may not be the golden child of this faction, but even _I_ know that leaving her is bitterly unkind.

"I can't leave you, Sarah," I say, searching her eyes, wondering just how a person can find it within themselves to be so selfless. She may not have chosen them, but my sister is more than worthy of her faction.

"You are unhappy here," she says, shaking her head. "You always have been." She wipes her thumb across my cheek as more tears stream down them. "And I have never seen you as happy as you are when you are with him." But that's because I never felt true happiness until I found Alex. Because of him, there were days when I actually felt like I belonged here. It's why Sarah let me see him for as long as she did. She just wanted me to be happy.

The agony in my heart swells again. I miss him. I miss the sweet sound of his voice. I miss falling asleep to the rise and fall of his chest as he cradles me. I miss the softness of his kiss and the roughness of his hands. Every cell in my body grieves and rejects his absence. I collapse against the wall as the hopelessness extricates my strength.

"Have you ever considered that Dauntless may be a better fit for you?" My sister asks, as if it is the most obvious thing in the world, leaning herself beside me on the wall.

I have. And it is not.

 _Isn't it?_

"I don't know," I say. I don't know.

The idea of Dauntless terrifies me. It would mean unlearning all that I know and venturing off into unchartered waters, violent waters. I was born to be with Alex, of this I am sure. But even this is bigger than that, or so I am told. More than our families, our factions are where we belong. Could I ever really belong in Dauntless?

A year ago my inner self would have screamed a vehement _NO_ at that question. She is still.

My sister presses a palm into my cheek and says, "No matter what the test says, no matter what our faction says, it is important that you be true to yourself."

Myself. I don't even know who that is anymore.

"I can pretend to belong here," Sarah says. She can, and she does it so expertly that if she had not told me otherwise, I would not have known that she does not belong here. But selflessness and kindness are often fruits of the same tree. "But can _you_?" she asks me. Her question feels heavy. I hang my head. This is my home. I should not have to pretend at all.

"Our mother used to say that in the pursuit of peace above all else, we neglect to strive for the greatest peace of all," my sister says, "Which is that which we must find within ourselves." Her eyes become glossy at the thought of our mother. I only wish that I had memories like those. Although, I still remember the sound of her voice and the stories she used to tell me when she would put me to bed. Sarah always tells me that I am much like our mother. Maybe she was unhappy here too.

"Find peace, Abby." Sarah places a small kiss on my forehead. "Honour her with that."

The storm in my chest subsides and I manage to take in a full breath. Sometimes when I close my eyes and breathe, I feel like I can sense my mother in the air around me. And if it is that she _is_ there, I want to make her proud of me.

"And what about you?" I ask brokenheartedly.

"I will find peace in knowing that you have found yours." Sarah smiles and it is a beautiful smile. It makes me smile back.

Peace. I remember having it as a child. The smiles and laughter came easily then.

Then there was a time when I drowned myself in the space between my skin and the baggy clothes that I used to hide the fact that I was more ripened than a thirteen year old girl should be. All in an attempt to silence my friends' mothers' inquisitions about just how much of myself was I giving away in my pursuit of love after having lost my mother. Their notions burned a hole in my chest, and although at that time I could not identify what that emotion was, I knew that I had no business feeling it. I felt inadequate, unworthy of my faction.

Then followed a time when I was knowledgeable enough to spot the deceitfulness in my faction. It led me to believe that peace was a gift only given to an elite few while the rest of us must fabricate it with counterfeit salutations and passiveness, and I was of the latter bunch.

Yet again, a different era has begun. There is no doubt that being with Alex has transformed the way I view the world. Whoever I thought I was, that is not who I am anymore. And like the rose tattooed on my hip, I have only just begun. So the real question is, where do I belong _now_?

Am I brave? Or am I kind?

I stare into my sister's eyes and she stares back. She does not speak or move and neither do I. And then, wrapped in each other's arms and serenaded by the comfortable silence, we fall asleep on the cold bathroom floor.

* * *

I dream of him every night that week. He is calling out to me and his voice screams louder than that of the dark clumps of earth stuffed in the large white bowl at the center of the room. As I take my seat, Sarah taking hers beside me, there is a sickness in my stomach and I am almost sure that I am going to faint. After a week of self-discovery, I am no closer to figuring out where I belong.

I look around the large, circular room and I feel as though it is spinning around me.

The Erudite sit with straight backs, with their shined glasses and gelled hair. I am unsophisticated.

The Abnegation sit quietly, as if to render their presence unnoticeable. I am not self-deprecating.

The indistinct chattering of the Candor radiates from their seats. I am not thoughtlessly garrulous.

And all of that is ok with me. These are truths that I have always known.

What makes the room turn in full circles around me is that the Amity are sharing smiles and chuckles, and I want to vomit. The Dauntless pile in wildly, heightening my nauseous nightmare, boisterous and dark and aggressive, and I am not like them either. I could never be.

 _But neither is_ _he_

I try to remember a time before Alex when I was content with my faction. I was never completely happy, but I did not feel as incongruous there then as I do now. Maybe I can go back to that time. Maybe I can readapt and put to shame the voice that constantly tells me that I am wrong and there _is_ no going back. But what if I _am_ wrong? Now that I have tasted freedom could I ever really choose to be re-imprisoned? What if I miss jumping on and off trains, or being able to cry and say what's on my mind?

 _What if you miss waking up beside beautiful, dark blue eyes and find that you can't be without him either?  
_  
The ceremony begins and my mental tug of war only intensifies, tearing the very essence of my being in half. Time is slipping away and so are my breaths. I'm unable to catch either.

The voice of the Abnegation woman who administered my aptitude test yesterday replays over and over in my thoughts. ' _Amity'_ she had said to me with a small smile. I am Amity. It is where I belong. Yet it is not.

In Amity I learned to avoid disputes. Alex taught me that the only way to truly let go is to confront, even if it means brewing up a storm. In Amity I learned that all negative emotions are a hindrance to peace. With Alex I learned that true peace is only attained when you are honest with yourself and with others about how you feel.

In Amity we spew compassionate words from bitter hearts and have the audacity to call it kindness. Whereas every compassionate word spoken to _him_ were words that came from the deepest most honest parts of me. Words untainted by unspoken evils, because there were no unspoken evils between us.

In Amity I was taught to tolerate. Most times it had felt entirely synthetic. But with Alex the ache in my chest is real. The desire to see him, hear him, touch him, kiss him, taste him. All of my senses yearn for him. It is all so very real and it is powerful. It is something unlike all the other superficial types of joy that float around the Amity. This is deeper, and stranger, making me feel so much stronger yet that much more vulnerable at the same time. Peace serum is not this complex, but neither is it as satisfying.

It is ironic that I learned how to be Amity in Dauntless, the most brutal faction of the five. But in truth, I didn't, did I? The few things I know of peace and kindness I learned from being with Alex. I learned how to love when I fell in love with him. Because I believe that is the ache in my chest that I cannot quite identify; love. Maybe I am too young to know what love is. But perhaps I'm not. I'll never forget when I saw his parents in the dining hall that day. Maybe love does not care how old you are when it finds you… or when _you_ find _it_.

I feel a slight tugging in my arm and then I hear it. "Abigail Joseph," the Candor woman says, much too soon, and my heart skips a beat at the sound of my name. I am not ready. I almost don't hear Sarah when she says, "I will love you no matter what, Abby." She smiles at me and I take it in reverently. It may be the last time I see it.

As I walk to the center of the room I glance at my faction mates one more time, and then at the Dauntless. When I catch a glimpse of a familiar, friendly face, I wish I never did. I quickly turn away but I can still feel Daniel's eyes burning holes through me from where he sits. I don't dare to look at him.

He has already chosen. I have not.

He knows where he belongs. I do not.

I take my place in front of the bowls, the knife slipping in my sweaty palm. The stare of the Candor woman officiating the ceremony urges me to make a choice, her black and white clothing reminding me to make an honest one.

I hear the coals speaking to me, offering to me my ticket to freedom, the key to my red, orange and yellow cage. Strange, because I never realized that I was caged until I met him, until I was forbidden to love him. I never realized that I was without a choice until he gave me one that I could not possibly say yes to.

But the earth calls to me and tells me that Dauntless is just a different kind of cage, a blacker kind of restraint. A far more ruthless one in which I must disregard most, if not all, that I am. One in which up is down and down is up, right is wrong and wrong is right. I will perish there.

 _But it's where Alex is_

The conflict viciously tears at my insides as I straddle the knife because in that moment I choose to consider the silent whimpers of my inner self and I realize that I do not want to choose either one.

I am not Amity. I am not Dauntless.

I know who I am. I know what I want. I know where I belong. But there is no bowl here with his symbol on it.

Still, I swipe the knife against my palm and something like a magnet of incredible force pulls my hand away from the earth and toward the coals. I resist it.

Long after the drop of blood leaves my palm, my squeezed fist remains dangled in the air above the bowl of earth and my body trembles at the sight of the unchangeable choice that I have just made. The air thins around me. I begin to hyperventilate in front of the bowl and I drop the knife. I hear and don't hear it clatter as it crashes into the tile floor.

I can't move.

I can't breathe.

I've sealed our fate.

What have I done?

* * *

 **A/N: The plot thickens *Sean Connery's voice***

 **I know you guys probably want to throw Abby under a bus right now, but hopefully after this chapter you can understand her a little better before you throw her. She loves Alex, and she _does_ want to go be with him. But it's not that simple, permanently leaving your home and family for a place that is the exact opposite of everything you have ever known. It's actually quite terrifying when you think about it. And she never meant to lead him on. But when you're in love, it's just so terribly easy to lose yourself in the incredible moments that you share with that person, making you unwilling to deal with the reality that it just can't be. That is, until reality catches up with you. (Trust me on this). So this was anything but easy for her.**  
 **The title for this chapter was inspired by the saying "Better is the evil you know than the evil you don't", which ultimately explains Abby's choice. And something that I want you guys to grasp from this chapter is that in the end she realized that she is neither Amity _or_ Dauntless. She's just Abby. Hopefully I got that point across.**

 **I really enjoyed getting inside Abby's head, and I assure you all that she wants to drown herself more than you want to drown her right now. Since this is the only chapter that will be written in her POV, if you guys have any questions about her thoughts or reasoning or why she says or does certain things, feel free to PM me or ask in the review box below and I'll get an answer to you :)**

 **Please let me know what you guys thought of this chapter! Beautiful reviews = beautiful chapters ;) It's a feedback mechanism lol**


	33. Chapter 33

**33\. Hollow**

 **ALEX**

I lay wait in the darkness of the cavern. Rae glances over in my direction every now and again with worried eyes. I'm glad she can't see me, the nervous mess that I look. Although I'm sure she can imagine. She's been heartbroken once before too. She's afraid for me, and I think that's the only reason she's daring to hope. I was grateful when she offered to train the transfers this year, just in case Abby comes. She doesn't want Jake anywhere near her, and neither do I.

I know Abby said that she wouldn't come, but the only reason I'm still breathing is because there's still a chance that she'll change her mind and will come falling into that net. Even though I had no right to ask, there is still a chance that she will choose to come be with me.

The anxiety is torturous as I just stand there waiting, until it intensifies into something much more gut-wrenching when the sound of the first scream comes echoing through the cavern. This is it.

A blob of black falls into the net; a Dauntless born. A Candor girl follows second and Dani follows third. As one of the trainers pull him out of the net Rae approaches him, I can only assume to ask him if Abby came. When Dani shakes his head, I think that maybe she may have asked him something else. It can't be that she didn't come. It can't.

The mass in my throat gets heavier as I watch them fall one by one, until what I refuse to believe is the very last one. Even after Justin jumps in, his appearance indicating that all the initiates are safely in the building, and even after Rae begins her speech, I stand there lying to myself and hoping that maybe Abigail is still on the roof and is getting ready to jump, and she'll fall in that net at any moment. The truth is too painful, it rips me to pieces, so I stare stupidly at the empty net waiting for a small, red haired girl dressed in orange to crash into it.

She never does.

Twenty-three initiates. None of them Abigail.

After a year of jumping on and off trains, there's no way that she didn't make it to the compound. All that means is… "She went back to Amity." I whimper the words to myself, not wanting to believe them, but having to. It was in her every right to do so, to go home, yet it feels like a stab in the heart. _I_ wanted to be her home.

I feel a heat rising up in my chest. The mass in my throat fights to escape and a river collects behind my eyes. With a potent cocktail of anger and hate and love I command them away, and with my last bit of strength I run. Every step I take away from the cavern sends waves of agony up my legs, but I push through it. Without thought, they take me to the shooting range and my shaking hands grab at the first gun they can find. Inquiring eyes are on me, but it's just me in the room as I bore a million holes into the heart of the target, right where she stabbed me. If my heart is ripped to shreds then why should this lifeless, cardboard goon be whole? So I massacre him. I shoot at him until there's nothing left, feeding off the strength that comes from holding such a powerful weapon, using it to counteract the fact that I am weak and powerless and broken.

But eventually it's not enough and in a heat of rage I make my way to the training room. I lash out on the punching bag, hitting it one, twice, a million times, feeling as if to kick it off its hinges. I scream and my knuckles burn with every punch yet it's like I feel nothing. Frustrated, I curse at the stupid bag that refuses to hit me back and I go looking for someone who will.

I dash off to the Pit. The Dauntless are always sparring for fun down there, bruising each other's faces and bashing each other's guts for sport. Such a stupid thing, or so I had thought once.

The pungent smell of urine and alcohol burns my lungs as I storm into the darker section of the Pit. I interrupt a fight, pushing the weaker opponent out of the ring. The other just stands there, smiling. He doesn't object. The Dauntless will never turn down a challenge. He's older than I am by at least ten years, and he's stronger. But fighting isn't just about strength, and as I circle him I memorize every weak point of his body. Then I attack him suddenly, and I get high off the pressure of his strong jabs into my stomach as he fights back. I let him hit me on purpose, or he wouldn't otherwise. Every punch sends a wave of adrenaline and physical pain through my body, making me forget, even if for just five seconds, that my world has ended.

It feels masochistic and mindless and brutish. It feels like everything that I've come to hate about my faction. But today I am one of them, and at least that feels like something other than the horrifying nothingness that's been occupying the hole in my chest.

I bore of my opponent. Or maybe I've just had enough. And with one final hit to the head he collapses hard on the floor, unconscious. The Dauntless cheer around me like a pack of animals, singing my praises and guffawing at their ex-undefeated champion. I step out of the ring, battered in more ways than one, and feeling anything but victorious, I walk away.

* * *

I wait for Daniel in the cafeteria at dinner time. The initiates aren't really supposed to mingle with other Dauntless members, but Dani has never cared about rules in his life. I don't know what he'll say to me, if it'll help or make me feel worse. But, all in all, I feel like I need my best friend.

I barely notice when he sits himself beside me. He's quiet and cautious in a way he usually never is. Eventually he asks, "What the hell happened to _you_?" staring at my bleeding knuckles and bruised jaw.

"Don't ask," I reply with a faint smile.

He nods in understanding and says, "I'm sorry, man… about Abby." Dani raises his arm as if to place a gentle hand on my back but then pulls it away as he decides not to. I'm glad. I'm bruised on every imaginable piece of skin.

"She made her choice," I say, as if the words don't burn my throat like acid on the way out. My voice is hard and heavy, barely disguising the hollowness in my chest.

"She was pretty shaken up," Dani says, shaking his head. "Like, she just froze and then had a panic attack in front of the bowl. They actually had to move her."

I turn my head away, feeling despicable. Of course it shook her up. I asked her to choose between me and her sister. I asked her to choose between my home and hers, because I am disgustingly selfish. I never considered for a minute how much this would affect her. All I thought about was me me me. _I_ want her. _I_ need her. She would have been better off if she had never met me. Maybe I'm no better than the self-seeking idiots I try so hard to protect my sister from.

"This is my fault," I confess, staring off at nothing in particular. "All of it."

"Hey, don't be too hard on yourself. You had to try. And I know you. It would've been worse if you didn't," Daniel says, and this time he does touch me. Surprisingly it comforts me, but I don't deserve it. I tried at her expense.

I shake my head. "I feel like I've never done anything honourable with my life," I say. The words seem to have come out of nowhere, but Dani knows exactly where my head's at. He scoffs and then says, "We're teenagers. We have the whole rest of our lives to do honourable shit. And knowing you, when you get the chance, you'll do something frickin' awesome. You will save the world or die trying because that's who you are." He smiles. "So stop beating yourself up, Alex. You're one of the good guys."

I smile a little. I can count on one hand the number of serious conversations I've had with Dani. But moments like these are why he's my best friend.

He dives into his hamburger as I give him the dos and don'ts of initiation, but he'll do fine. He'll do more than fine the same way Anna and I did. He's been trained. His dad knows the same thing mine does. That thing Rae said they're not ready to tell us about. I had almost forgotten about that. Or maybe I just decided that it didn't matter.

When Dani has to leave I head back to my apartment, and when I walk in I almost want to walk right back out. There are little reminders of _her_ everywhere, taunting me, mocking the dreams that I dreamt of having a life with her. Apart from her personal possessions, there are tiny trinkets and decorations set up here and there. I can choose to not look at them, but her scent is printed everywhere and it ridicules my lungs on the way in. My heart begins to race and it feels like there is a monster trying to claw its way out of me. I lay myself in my bed, face up, trying to contain it.

Just as I am about to scream, there is a knock on my door and with a soft groan I lie there hoping that if I ignore it, whoever it is will go away.

"I know you're in there, Alex," my twin sister says quietly, and my body sinks even deeper into the bed. I was hoping it wasn't her. As much as I want to be alone, ignoring Annabelle would only make me feel worse.

With a deep sigh I pick myself up and walk toward the door. I know that she can hear my footsteps, and with them I indirectly confirm my presence, but I don't say anything and I don't open the door. Anna and I share everything, and I know Dani's probably already told her about Abby, but I'm not sure I want her to see me like this. I'm getting weaker and I'm almost sure that I'm about to break.

"I'm not going anywhere," she says eventually. "I know you want to be alone… but I want to be here." There's a soft thud as she presses her back against the door. I do the same, then we both slide down and sit on the floor. And though there's a two inch thick door separating our backs, and the sound of our breathing is all that fills the silence, it's comforting, because I know that she's there.

"Our parents have been asking for you," Annabelle says after a while.

"What'd you tell them?"

"That you've been busy… protecting the city from the unknown that lies beyond the wall," she says, and I hear the smile in her voice.

Anna and I used to talk like this sometimes when we were little, through the door, when one of us was sick and our mother wouldn't let us play together. And then when we were twelve Anna shot a hole in the wall with her bow and arrow, and we'd pass silly notes through it. My sister was my first real friend. Long before there was anyone else, there was Anna.

She goes quiet and before she can figure out how to ask me how I am, the words come spilling out. "At first I never wanted this," I say. "I never wanted to feel this way about anybody. And this is why. Because now that I can't have her…," I choke out, trying and failing to hide the brokenness in my voice, "I can't just go back to the way things were before I met her. I can't imagine myself feeling this way about anybody else ever again."

It's a stupid declaration, and almost everyone would tell me that it's normal to feel that way, and that's how every teenager feels after their first break up. Everyone else would tell me that I'm being juvenile and that life goes on. But just like me my sister knows and has seen things that only few have, so with understanding in her voice she says, "Like mom and dad."

"Yeah," I reply. Exactly like that.

People say there's no such thing as soul mates. People say there is no person in what's left of the world that was made just for you, but that's probably because they've never met my parents. It's no coincidence that the only two Abnegation transfers in a sea of Dauntless found each other, fell in love and stayed in love.

Sometimes I think about how hard it must have been for my parents, two teenagers raising three kids. On top of it my dad leading a faction and them both having to deal with the after effects of the storm that destroyed the city all those years ago. But I know that's not the half of it. I see it in the way they look at each other. They've been through a lot more than they've led us to believe.

I've always noticed the way my father holds my mother. It's a strong, steady grip, yet it's gentle and guiding. It's not meant to control but rather to secure. It's the way a poor man would hold on to treasure if he ever found it. And now I think I know why. He must know what it's like to be without her. He must have lost her once, or almost lost her. And now his entire being is determined to never lose her again.

I don't pretend to know or understand everything that my father and mother must have suffered throughout the years they've been together, but I'm pretty sure that it started out a lot like this, him feeling about her then the way I feel about Abigail right now.

Annabelle told me once that our parents have shown her what love is, and because of that she can't settle for anything less. I guess maybe that's why she's been taking things slow with Dominic, making sure he's the real deal before she dives in completely. I hope she knows that love is only beautiful until it rips your heart out.

"I'm so sorry, Alex," Annabelle then says, her voice breaking. _She_ came here to comfort _me_ , but at the sound of her crying I spring up off my feet and open the door. Anna's pain has always been mine, and my pain has always been Anna's.

Before I can make out the look on my sister's face, she throws her arms around me and squeezes me tightly. My own arms find their way around her too and it's almost impossible to hold back the tears when she says, "You'll always have me too. I promise." And then we just stand there, in my doorway, holding each other.

When we finally break apart Anna just smiles gently and walks away without saying another word. I close the door behind her and when I turn around and force myself to look at the brush on my dresser table, and the tiny slippers on the floor, and the blue pillow on my bed, I realize that there is nothing _to_ say. And in that moment I feel a kind of emptiness that I've never felt before. I stumble across my bedroom, barely making it to the bed. Abigail's absence is toxic and it has been crippling me slowly ever since the moment I realized that she wasn't ever coming back.

I collapse, and for the first time in my adult life I cry. A week's worth of tears stampede past my eyes as I stare at the ceiling, her soft blue pillow squeezed tightly across my chest. I bring it up to my nose and as I inhale and take her in, the tears turn into waterfalls and I sob into it. I turn on my side and curl into a ball as I sob like a child who has lost his mother. I sob like a man who has lost his wife. And as every jagged breath leaves my lips, a violent charge of unbearable pain pulls at my heart because she's gone and it feels like I'm mourning her. It feels like I'm mourning her, only I'm the one who died today.

I'm the one who died today.

* * *

She's all I can think about in the days that follow, and no matter what I do, the pain doesn't go away. It's there when I sleep. It's there when I wake. It's there in the quietness of my apartment and beside the loud roaring of the chasm. It's a throbbing ache that courses up my legs every time I try to walk. It's a stifling ache that squeezes my chest every time I try to breathe. But today, the pain is unbearable in a way it's never been. It's her birthday. It's the day we first kissed, the day I promised her we'd be together even when we couldn't anymore. It's the day I realized that she was what I was missing all along.

I don't remember the last time I got drunk, but today seems like a good day to be numb. So I make my way to the bar and sit myself on an empty stool, avoiding eye contact with the blue-haired bartender. Although I'm sure she won't judge me. Broken men must pour in here by the dozens. And with the sound of soft music coming from the jukebox and the smell of cigarettes in the air, I drink.

The pain eventually stills to a dull throb I don't know how many beers later, but it's still there. I demand something stronger, and stronger, and stronger each time I'm finished with the last but nothing is ever strong enough.

"Hey, handsome," I think the blonde girl who just invited herself to come sit beside me says. I'm not sure if it was her. I don't think her lips moved. For some reason she keeps swinging back and forth on the stool and then all of a sudden there's two of her.

"You guys are twins?" I ask stupidly, shouting over the music that seems to be louder than when I first walked in. "I'm a twin too. But my twin's a girl," I say, slurred.

"That's so cool," she says in that fake, flirtatious voice that the girls in my faction all seem to have mastered. Her hand finds its way on my thigh and slowly she presses it into me, gently rubbing it upward. In a momentary flash of clarity I grab her wrist. "Don't touch me," I say sternly.

"What crawled up _your_ ass?" she spits as she yanks her hand away and walks over to the next lonely looking boy. But not before long another one comes and sits on the stool, eyeing me, only this one is unbearable to look at. She has green streaks in her hair, black lipstick and I can see her stuffed green bra straight through her blouse. I grab a bottle of rum to go and I leave when I realize that me sitting there alone seems to make girls think that's an invitation to come talk to me.

"What's wrong sweetheart?" she yells at me as I walk away.

Everything is wrong. Everything.

I push past the doors and I clumsily try to make my way back home. I stay close to the walls when I hear the rushing of water, just in case I need the support, and so that I don't accidently stagger into the chasm. All of a sudden I see a familiar robust figure and blonde head leaning over the railing. And as tiddly-drunk as I am I recognize Jake when I see him.

His face is usually hard, but tonight it looks wrecked, sagging. And his firm stance is now a feeble wobble, like he can barely manage to stand up. I imagine I look the same, but it's strange seeing my old evil trainer like this. For no reason whatsoever but a loss of inhibition, I go to stand beside him. He doesn't look at me or say anything. I lean my elbows on the railing and I bring the bottle to my mouth, taking another sip, and together we watch in silence as the water battles the rock.

I'm standing beside Jake, alone, by the chasm, in the middle of the night, intoxicated. Maybe I _do_ have a death wish after all.

"It doesn't help," Jake says quietly.

I stare at him in confusion but then the muscles in my face relax. My mind is foggy, but it remembers the way he looked at me after he saw my fear landscape, after he saw Abby, and it puts the pieces together. It wasn't sympathy in his eyes. It was empathy.

It's initiation, that time of the year when he gets to see Rae every single day without being able to hold her, touch her. Because God knows he's still in love with her. He must be. I remember him stealing glances, and I remember the way his body would react on command to the sound of her voice. It's no wonder he's miserable. I'm not sure whose situation is worse. Maybe mine, since his was, after all, ultimately his choice. Makes me wonder why he does it every year. It's self-inflicted torture. Speaking of which, I think I might have to start looking for a new job.

"Can't hurt," I say sluggishly. I pass him the bottle and at first he hesitates, looking at it as if it were an old, untrustworthy friend. But then he smiles at me and takes it and says, "You're all right, Alex."

Jake takes a large sip before he passes it back to me. And then we just stand there above the loud abyss, passing the bottle back and forth. Two men broken by love, and a bottle of rum.

I find his company depressing, because it's a living, breathing example of the mess I will still be years from now, but I also find it refreshing. It's nice being around someone who doesn't pity me.

I hope he's out here tomorrow, and every night after that, or at least until initiation's over. And well… I guess if we're gonna be keeping each other's company for the next few weeks, it's as good a time as any to make amends. So I stand a little straighter, and with drunken sincerity in my eyes I touch him on the shoulder and say, "I'm sorry I peed on you."

* * *

 **A/N: Poor Alex right? :( I know. Please let me know what you guys thought of this chapter!**


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N: Thank you guys so much for your reviews on the last chapter! :D And a special Thank you to Yummycreamcakes for being my 250** **th** **reviewer! I'm so glad that you guys could still appreciate such a sad chapter. Let's find out if things will be looking up for Alex in this one…**

* * *

 **34\. Resurfaced**

 **ALEX**

I don't really know what I'm doing. I wake up every afternoon very much hung over, I get out of bed, boil some water to make tea, drink the tea and then I get back in bed. Quite the rigorous routine, but it's just until I can make a new one. I told the Dauntless leader in charge of job placements that I needed a few weeks to contemplate my new work options. I also asked him not to tell my father, although I'm pretty sure he'll find out that I quit being a guard soon enough.

Thing is, I don't know _what_ I want to do. A government job wouldn't be too bad I suppose. I'd get to work with my dad on occasion. It also means that I'd get a new apartment in the Pire, but I've been asking myself if I'd really be willing to leave this one. It holds too many memories of _her_ , but I'd like to hold on to those memories. They're all I have.

It's been almost three weeks and I still haven't touched anything. Her tiny slippers are tucked away by the bed post right where she left them. I keep hoping she'll reappear and then everything could go back to the way it was. Maybe I _should_ put them away. Maybe it would help me to accept that that's not going to happen. Maybe I don't want to accept that. Maybe I _can't_ accept that.

Either way, I don't have much fight left. Even if by some miracle Abby _does_ come back, factional law dictates that there could never really be an _us_. _Faction before blood,_ after all. And that thought alone is like a thousand degree heat, sucking the life out of me. So most days I try not to think at all, but it's ridiculously hard considering that I pass the daylight hours doing nothing whatsoever.

Annabelle brings me lunch sometimes and Dani brings me scraps from dinner if he can manage to sneak away from Rae. I'd rather she not know that I've confined myself to my apartment. I don't want anyone else to see me like this. I know I'll eventually need to stop moping and re-join society, but what exactly is a man supposed to do after he's lost his purpose? And how exactly does he do it? By the looks of Jake, it doesn't ever really get any better. You stop living. You stop feeling. You just exist.

Never in a million years did I ever believe that in my darkest hour Jake would be the one to understand me. He's actually not a bad guy when he loosens up. We've even managed to have a couple slurred conversations. I can only imagine why he broke my sister's heart and his own in the process. I've been wanting to ask him, but if he feels the same way I do, I'm sure he doesn't want to talk about it.

I finish my dinner to the sound of heavy rain crashing against the concrete. I hear the thunder rolling and I wish I could see the lightening as it illumes the night sky. It's just another one of those things I miss from my childhood days. The Dauntless leaders and their families live on the higher floors so they have large windows. Our apartment even had a balcony overlooking the city. Me and my dad would go out there often and just talk, even though we both hate heights.

I sulk at the memory. It feels like just yesterday my life was so easy. I had everything I could ever want or need, and just like that I've lost so much. If this is what growing up is all about then… I'd like to tap out.

I decide to shower before bed since Anna had passionately suggested that I do so. And when I'm just standing there, letting the cold water massage my skin I figure it was a good idea. But the second I step out, and when instead of my face I only see shoulders reflected in the bathroom mirror, it triggers the old familiar pang of bitter nostalgia that I had forgotten for all of ten minutes. It was too high up for Abby, so I had to set it a bit lower. I struggle with myself for a while about whether or not I should put it back up where it was, but in the end I decide to just bend my knees a little, humouring the silly part of me that hopes if I leave the apartment exactly the way she left it then she'll come back.

I almost jump at the sight of my own face. It looks something close to horrifying. The stubble on the side of my jaw seems to have taken up more of my face than I had realized, adding about ten years to my appearance. And for the first time in a long time I actually _want_ to do something; I shave.

The machine buzzes in my ear as I'm finishing up. The monotone whirring soothes me for some reason. It's like a sweet hum and it makes me drift off to a different place, but even in my somnolence I don't miss the loud and frantic tapping on my front door. I let out a heavy sigh as I force myself to get out of the bathroom. I quickly throw on a pair of boxers, turn off the bedroom lights and make my way to the door. It's probably Anna and she'll leave quicker if she thinks I was already in bed. Although she wouldn't stay long either way. She knows I want to be alone.

"Quit knocking! I'm coming!" I yell, but the frantic tapping doesn't stop. I swing the door open in one swift movement, ready to fake lecture my sister for waking me up, but my breath catches as my heart rises into my throat, and my fingers clutch at the door handle as my body visibly stiffens. Like a statue I stand frozen when I see who it is that has been knocking on my door. I forget to breathe.

 _Am I dreaming?_ I wonder. Is it not bad enough that every dream I dream is about her coming back to me that now I'm hallucinating?

I have to be. That is the only way _she_ could be standing here. So I blink once, twice, waiting for the image to change or disappear, but it never does. Abby is still standing in my doorway, dripping from head to toe. Her wet, red curls are stuck to the sides of her jaw, and even though her cheeks have been bathed by the rain, I can still tell apart the raindrops from the tears. Her face looks pained, a bitter contrast to the incandescent smile that once lit up my every morning. But as filled with brokenness as it is, the beauty of her face is still the envy of blossomed roses and summer sunsets.

And with so much to do, I can't move. With so much to say, I can't speak.

My heart races inside my chest as my eyes search hers for answers, then I suddenly realize that she's dressed in her faction colours. Her clothes are dripping wet and they cling to her where they touch her body. I take her wrist and I gently pull her inside as I walk past her, looking both ways down the dark hallway making sure she wasn't followed. I close the door behind me as I turn to face her again. And looking deep into her eyes, I let it sink in.

She's really here.

"Alex," she says softly, and I finally exhale at the sound of her voice. Like a flood it all comes back to me, how badly I've been wanting to hold her, to kiss her just one more time. So I wait no longer.

Before I manage to speak a word or think a complete thought I close the space between us as an irrepressible kind of yearning possesses me. Without permission my lips collide with hers in a violent kiss and for a split second I wonder if she'll push me away. I don't know why she's here. But when her arms find themselves around my back and grasping at my hair as she returns the kiss just as fervently, I know exactly what brought her here.

One hand reaches for the back of her neck, grabbing at her wet curls, urging her face deeper into mine and the other cradles her back, pressing her body into me. I stumble backwards as the force of her kiss propels me. She misses me too and god, can I taste the longing on her lips. My back slams hard against the wall, waking up several parts of me; parts of me that I know that she can feel pressed against her. Still, she pushes her drenched body harder against the already harder parts of me, her lips unwilling to part with mine and I don't want them to. Oh, I don't want them to. But we need to talk.

I break free from her grip, breathing heavily into her face, trying to slow down my heart rate while simultaneously organizing my thoughts. My hands hold her head steadily between them and I tilt her face upwards with my thumbs. Her eyes are closed, swollen.

"You shouldn't have come here," I say. Although it's all I've ever wanted, all I've ever dreamed about since the day she told me we couldn't be together, since the day she left and paralyzed me. "It's not safe anymore, Abby," I add, my eyes scanning over the wet clothes on her skin, their orange hue the object of my abhorrence, the emblem of her choice. A choice that cannot be undone.

"I'm so sorry, Alex," she sobs. "I didn't know what else to do. I was so scared to leave and now I've ruined everything. I've ruined everything and I don't- I don't know what to do anymore." Her lips are shaking and her hands fidget with her blouse when she cries, "I didn't know where else to go." And she shakes her head and says, "Because I don't want to be anywhere else. I- I understand if you hate me- but- I just- I just had to see you. It just hurts so much and- and I don't know- I don't know what to do."

"Abby, slow down," I say as she hiccups through her words. "Breathe, baby." I rub my hand against her hair as she presses her face into my chest, fighting to breathe. Her arms wrap tightly around me and her body feels cold against mine. She's shaking violently and her fingers almost dig into the skin of my back. My first thought would've been that she's frozen from being drenched by the rain, were it not for the way she's holding me.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," she cries over and over when she catches her breath. I shake my head avidly, trying to tell her that this is not her fault, but the words can't seem to get past the fact that she's in my arms. My Abby is in my arms. "I know I can't be here," she speaks into my chest. "I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you everything and I was waiting for you at the fence but you never came back."

I only never went back because she told me that she didn't think we should see each other anymore, and if she was going to try and move on then I wasn't going to get in the way of that. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that beautiful little head of hers.

Abby pulls away and her fingers find their way around my neck and into my hair again. I press my forehead to hers, absorbing her, breathing her air, becoming lost in her the way I always do. And even though my eyelids are closed tight, I can feel the intensity in her eyes as she stares at me. I don't know how long we stay like that, but I do know that I savour every second of it, wishing we could spend eternity there.

"What did you want to tell me?" I whisper when I finally find my words. And against my lips she whispers, "I wanted to tell you that I can't be without you either, Alex." She slowly takes a breath. "I love you."

They are three simple words, but I hear so much more in them than I thought I ever would and they seize control of my lips as I take hers into mine, kissing her with a kiss that screams _I love you too_. We taste our salted tears as they stream down our faces and mix together, smashed between our lips as we kiss.

My hands have their way as they slide down her arms and up the smooth skin of her stomach. In haste, I remove the wet shirt that blocks the path my hands would like to take. Abby shivers and moans into my mouth as my fingers trace the hills on her chest, and exploring ever downward they grab at her hips, gently leading her to the bed where we made love for the first time and so many times after that.

We make our way there quickly, our lips not breaking apart for even a second as we stumble through the darkness. We tear away at the remaining garments that hinder us and we toss them blindly, letting them land where they may. And as love and longing dominate me, my lips kiss the mouth that they have missed, and my hands caress the skin that they have pined for.

We cleave to one another until we're no longer two separate bodies, but one entangled being, and together we move to a passionate rhythm. Lurid moans slip past her lips as I show her just how much I've missed her, breathing jaggedly into my neck as we immerse ourselves in an act of love, an act of love and of utter defiance and disregard for the system that threatens to tear us apart. But in this moment, I don't cogitate on the hopeless and potentially dangerous situation that we've gotten ourselves into. No. In this moment factional law does not exist. All that exists is me, her, and the unquenchable fire that burns between us. And for what seems like the entire rest of the night, we let it consume us.

* * *

It's dawn when I wake, and I open my eyes only to find Abigail's incredible hazel irises staring back at me. Her eyes remind me of honey, golden honey. They look bright under the tiny circles of dim light that pierce through the air shunts in the wall, and when they hit her tangled hair, it glistens.

We're both still tucked together under the white bed sheet, our legs tangled and her body pressed tightly against my chest. In that moment I feel like I'm holding the world, or all that matters in it, in my arms. It feels as though all is as it should be, as though she was never gone. But the truth is, she was. And during that time, one really big thing has changed, causing more than just a ripple in what was once our seamless flow toward eternity together. But as I stare at her, I try to stay lost in the strength of her eyes for just a bit longer before I let my mind be plagued by the inimical and perverse but very real reality that she should not be here.

"Hey," she whispers. Her voice is clear and even and it makes me wonder how long she's been awake.

"Hey," I whisper back. My hand finds the smooth skin of her face and she kisses my fingers as I trace them softly against the side of her jaw and against her lips. She feels perfect under the skin of my palm. Wanting to feel the gentle pressure of her lips against mine, I lean forward to kiss her and even before our lips separate I find myself admitting, "All I ever wanted was for you to come back to me."

"I never should have left you," Abby says, her eyes glossing over, and goose bumps rise on my arms at her confession. "I should have known that I could never be happy in Amity anymore, and even if I could, I wouldn't want to be there because you wouldn't be." She treads her fingers into my hair, letting her hand rest on my neck. "You changed me," she says quietly. "But I was afraid of it. I tried to fight it and I thought that if I tried hard enough I could go back to the way I was, but I was wrong. It was safer, easier in some ways, and much less terrifying but it wasn't what I wanted."

"If being with me is what you wanted then why were you afraid of it?" I ask softly. It's a hypocritical question. All of me wants her, but I'm scared to death of how much I love her, of just how much my ability to function relies on her existence.

"Human beings are naturally afraid of what they don't understand," she says. "And I've never been able to stop myself from falling in love with you, even though every minute I spent with you I did or said or felt something that I was always taught not to. At first, being with you was like swimming against the current; paradoxical, yet absolutely refreshing."

"And now? How does being with me feel _now_?" I press my hand into her back, pulling her even closer to me. Her bare skin feels warm against mine. There is no one word to describe how being with Abigail feels. It's like a rush of a million wonderful things hitting me all at once.

"When I'm with you now it feels like we _are_ the current," she whispers. "Like we decide who we are. Not our factions." And with a slight shrug she says, "I'm not Dauntless… _or_ Amity. I'm just the girl who wants to wake up beside Alexander Eaton every day for the rest of her life."

I smile at this. "I certainly want that too," I say.

I always dreamed that I'd meet someone who felt the same way I did about our city's divide and rule. I never imagined that she'd be so beautiful though. Or that it'd be a _she_.

Abby is all that I could have ever hoped for, but even so, reality persists outside of the walls of my small apartment, and in that reality people aren't free to decide who they are. Now that we're both members of separate factions, too close an affiliation could have us both branded as faction traitors, which is synonymous to being forced out… or worse. This is forbidden. We are forbidden. How could something so beautiful be forbidden?

"But you know what happens if we get caught," I add, my voice noticeably tenser.

Abby nods and I watch as her eyes become heavy and flooded with tears as her mind takes her to a place of distressing thoughts, thoughts that my own mind had tenaciously evaded… until now.

 _What do we do now?_

It's a single thought. It's a simple question. But it weighs so heavy in Abigail's eyes that I feel it pulling me under. It's a question we both know has only one answer; we stay together. But that answer leads to a question of its own, and before Abigail ever asks it I say, "We'll figure it out," even though I have no idea how.

With sorrow etched in her voice she says, "Will we? I've ruined everything, Alex." A single tear leaks from her eyes and crashes against her pillow when she asks, "What if we _can't_ figure it out? What if there's no other way but to leave?"

"Then we leave," I say without second thought. Being factionless is the worst fear of almost every citizen of this city, greater even than the fear of death, but it's not mine. My worst fear is living in a world where Abigail isn't mine, and I've lived there long enough to know that nothing is worse.

She searches my eyes questioningly and when she seems to have found the answer she was looking for she shakes her head and cries, "No. No. You're all I'll ever need, Alex. And I'd want to be with you even if it meant that we had nothing else but each other. But I can't ask so much of you. I'd never forgive myself."

"It's my sacrifice to make," I say. And in all honesty it's not much of a sacrifice. My grandmother would see to it that we were comfortable, and my family would be distraught but they would never abandon me. I would have much less than I have now, but if Abby is with me then I wouldn't mind it at all. But before I can properly fight my case she presses a palm into my cheek and says, "One you'd only have to make because I was supposed to come be with you and I didn't."

"Don't say that," I say firmly. "Don't blame yourself for this. It wasn't fair of me to ask of you what I did. I know that now."

"It wasn't fair but it was the only way and we both knew that," she says strongly. "I can't let you choose to leave your home because I was too afraid to choose to leave mine."

" _You_ are my choice, Abby," I say just as stubbornly. I chose her a long time ago. "And if choosing you means leaving Dauntless then so be it, because leaving might be the only way."

I don't know what would happen if we were to be caught. They can do more than just expel us from our factions, and as much as I want to be with Abby, I'd never let any harm to come to her. Still, she shakes her head and says, "I can't let you do that," as if she could stop me. "You don't understand. It's not the same for you. You're happy in Dauntless in a way I could never be in Amity. I'd be leaving nothing and you'd be leaving everything. I'd rather come be with you here," she says. She bites her wobbling lip and whimpers, "I was supposed to come be with you here."

But the time for that has long passed and no good can come from dwelling on it. So I wipe the tears from her eyes and say, "That's wishful thinking, Abby. It's not like you can just walk in at the end of Dauntless initiation."

But that's when it occurs to me… What if she _can_?

It's a crazy idea, but I'd be a dead man before I let that stop me from trying. It might be the only option that keeps her safe.

"But if you could," I ask Abby carefully, "would you?"

She pinches her eyebrows together in confusion, but she doesn't hesitate to nod against her pillow. "But is that really possible?" she then asks.

"I don't know," I say.

I don't. But I know someone in high places who might. And I think it's time I claimed my birthright.

* * *

 **A/N: :O Gasp! Please let me know what you thought of this chapter!**


	35. Chapter 35

**35\. Secrets**

 **TOBIAS**

It was a rather trying day, so I decide to skip the train ride home. It's early still and I could use the walk.

Zeke didn't come in today so the council meeting had to be rescheduled, and I now have the sweet privilege of having to return in a few days, as if sitting and listening to Victor criticize every possible thing once in this week was not enough. I make a mental note to strangle Zeke when I see him.

I don't particularly enjoy being in this building unnecessarily. As many times as I have been here, walking the halls of Erudite headquarters never fails to reopen old wounds. So I take off as soon as I can, and I walk under the late evening sun, choosing better thoughts as my company. I mostly think of Tris. So much so that by the time I get back to Dauntless, my legs ache and they tremble slightly from exertion but my mind is clear and free of torment and there's a smile on my face.

My body instantly relaxes at the sight of dark hallways and the smell of old, underground air. I'm home. Or at least I'm almost there as I enter the lobby of the living quarters in the Pire. I make my way down the halls and I contentedly turn the last corner. That's when I see him; Zeke, arms folded, leaning against the wall beside my front door.

"Did you lock yourself out again, baby?" I ask impishly as I approach. I give him a concerned look and I try to keep myself from grinning.

"Ha," he smiles. "Your wife got jealous and stole my keys."

"I already told her it's not like that with you and me. It's just work." I wink. "Speaking of which, you should've told me you were ditching the meeting today," I say slightly irritated, suddenly remembering that I have yet to strangle him. "I wouldn't have wasted my time going over there. Where were you?"

"I had to get to the bottom of something," he explains.

"Well I hope it was important. You know I hate that place," I mumble.

As I open my briefcase to rummage around for my keys, Zeke's smile disappears. "It was," he says. "Your boy's gonna get himself in trouble."

"What?" I ask, puzzled by the unexpected remark. He can't be referring to Christian, so that leaves, "Alex?" I scoff. "He wouldn't even know how to go around looking for trouble. And if he _is_ in trouble it was Daniel's idea. I can promise you that," I add, crossing my arms, and with a chuckle I say, "And in that case that's _your_ problem, not mine."

My son is just about the most responsible seventeen year old in Dauntless, whereas Daniel is just as nuts as Zeke was at sixteen and he knows that. So I don't expect him to take offense, but as I reach down to unlock my door I hear tension in his voice when he says, "Four, I'm serious."

I look up and the humour leaves my face as I realize that there's none on his. It's disturbing. In all the years I've known Zeke, I've hardly ever seen him so stern.

"Let's take a walk," he says, his voice dipping down. I'm sure he can see the confusion plastered on my face, but he says nothing.

Zeke's arms unfold and when he begins to walk all I can do is follow behind. With an equal mix of curiosity and apprehension I can't help but wonder exactly what my son has gotten himself into. The question almost threatens to jump out of my throat but I know Zeke won't say a word until we're in a more private location. My palms begin to sweat as my mind runs rampant with possibilities, although none of them are things I could even imagine Alex doing. The idea that I don't know my son as well as I think I do is more than troubling.

Zeke and I walk until we're nowhere near the living quarters. We both used to work in the control room, so I know he knows that there are no cameras in this part of the compound. Uneasy to the point of desperation I say, "This is far enough."

"Not yet," Zeke replies. He continues walking until we're even deeper into the abandoned part of Dauntless. It was used for storage in earlier times, but that was so long ago that not many people know this part of the compound even exists.

Finally, he stops at a large, metal door. It's heavy and it makes a guttural noise as Zeke pushes it open. He ushers me in.

"What's he gotten himself into, Zeke?" I practically vomit the words as Zeke closes the door behind us.

"Let's go ask his sidekick over there," he says, nudging his head to the back of the room.

It takes a while for my eyes to adjust to the sudden decrease in light, but when they do I see a very frightened Daniel seated on a chair in the right corner of the large, empty room. My heart races, and even though he's the one sitting alone in an abandoned chamber like a kidnapping victim waiting to be tortured by his captors, I'm the one sweating. Dani's an initiate, and Zeke would not have pulled him out of initiation for the day if the situation weren't absolutely dire.

"Look, Uncle Four, I had nothing to do with this. I swear," Dani begs as we inch up on him. "But I'd rather if Alex told you himself. I'm sure he'd prefer that too."

"We don't have time for that, so stop your whining and start from the beginning," Zeke says. His voice is uncharacteristically firm.

Dani looks somewhere south of my eyes when he begins. "Well it all started at that Amity party we went to last year before Alex's and Anna's choosing ceremony," he says reluctantly. "I was dancing with Anna and then Alex sort of disappeared."

I try to destroy the mental picture my imagination has created of Daniel Pedrad dancing with my daughter.

"Get to the point, Dani," I urge.

"Well when I found him he was in the orchards talking to this Amity girl. He seemed to really like her. I didn't realize just how much until he kept going back to see her, and then he snuck out of the compound during initiation for her birthday."

"He did _what_?" I ask, frantic. One of my only requests to my children is to abide by the rules of their faction, as hard and uncomfortable as that may be for us, in order to avoid discovery. The city's leaders already know that Divergents exist, but that doesn't mean it's safe. As for initiation, I had told the twins to get in and get out. With them being trained and Rae watching over them the threat was significantly less, but even the smallest of risks is still a risk.

"Was he caught?" I demand.

"No," Daniel gulps.

"Then proceed," I say, though I'm uncertain I'm prepared to hear the rest of this. This story can only get worse.

"After initiation, Alex took a job by the fence so that he could see her every day. And at first I thought that he was just having fun, you know?" Dani continues. "Nothing he could get in any real trouble for. But then, about a month later he started to borrow some of Anna's clothes to sneak her in. She'd spend the night and then he'd take her home in the morning when he left for work."

I stiffen and my face twists in on itself. "Let me get this straight," I say tersely. "You're telling me that Alex has been illegally sneaking his Amity girlfriend into the Dauntless compound?"

Dani nods reluctantly and I glance between him and Zeke several times, desperately waiting for either one of them to tell me that this is all a well thought out prank. Neither does. This is real.

I take a moment to let that sink in.

With my head in my hand, I take a breath. Of all my children, it just had to be Alex. Of course it would be Alex. In so many ways he is just like me, and as Dauntless born as he is I'm sure there are times when he feels as though he doesn't belong here. Because of that I've always been worried about him, especially when it came to him finding someone. To be honest I'm not at all surprised that he would fall for someone outside our faction. I can't ever imagine Alex with a Dauntless girl. I know I certainly did not have any interest in them during the two years I spent here before I met Tris. But neither can I imagine him alone. He deserves better than that. He is greater than the options that have been given to him. He is more than his faction, but that is not his fault. He is prisoner to a flawed system, and knowing that, should I ever really allow myself to be upset with him?

Shaking my head, and upset regardless because he hid this from me, I wave Dani on.

"As time went on, Alex started bringing her around more often," he says, "and his eyes would do this thing when he talked about her. I had never seen him like that with a girl before, and that's when I started worrying. I mean, there's no way they could really be together anyways, right?"

No there isn't. I already know where this is going and I don't like it one bit.

"So I told him to be careful," Dani continues. "But then Alex told me that he was trying to convince her to come to Dauntless. I told him he was out of his mind. Abby's as Amity as they come. The girl's a gem. She's got a sunflower for a heart. She would've been slaughtered."

"Abby?" I ask. Her name feels strange on my lips.

"Yeah. That's her name. Abigail," Daniel says. "When Alex told her that he wanted her to switch factions they had this huge fight about it. That was like a month ago, the week before her choosing ceremony. She broke up with him and told him that she'd never make it through initiation and that she wouldn't leave her faction. She chose Amity and Alex was pretty broken up about it."

Of course he was... is. Alex is almost the same age I was when I fell in love with Tris, and I was as much willing to die for her then than I am now. Him and I, we're like the vampires that Anna reads about in those ridiculous books of hers. Or the mythical wolf-man creatures that imprint on their life mate. There's only ever going to be one. It's the Abnegation in us. And if she is that for him, and Alex was spending those nights the way I think he was, then losing her will destroy him.

"She would have made it," I say angrily. "I would have seen to it! If Alex had just come to me instead of committing crimes against the government while I was sleeping-"

"He knows that," Dani interrupts me, his voice pleading. "And he told her that. Abby didn't want to. She wouldn't fit in here. She couldn't."

My entire family doesn't completely fit in here either, but we draw strength from the fact that we're not alone. She would have found comfort in us. She would have belonged among us and Alex knows that. This will break him.

"So where is Alex now?" I ask hesitantly, afraid that my son might be drinking himself to death, or worse.

"My guess is in his apartment… With Abby."

The confusion shows on my face when I say, "I thought you said she broke up with him and went back to Amity."

"That's actually why we're here," Zeke says, and he takes a step closer to me. I had almost forgotten that he was here. He's been silent this whole time. I should have known that there was more to this story. Zeke was a positive driving force in me and Tris' relationship, but I highly doubt that he is that much concerned with my son's love life to have called this meeting.

"He's been extra careful for the most part," Zeke says, "avoiding all the cameras when he snuck her in. I can't imagine how he obtained the knowledge of every single blind spot on the compound."

My paranoia was responsible for that. If my children ever needed to leave this place undetected, I made sure that they could have. Daniel grins and I assume that Alex shared this knowledge with him. God knows what ridiculous things they must have snuck into the compound.

"But last night _she_ wasn't," Zeke continues. "I was covering a shift at the control room for Harrison when I saw her sneak in through the old side door. She was dressed in full Amity colours but I just figured it was some factionless woman looking for shelter from the rain. I wouldn't have thought much of it except she started running and it looked like she knew exactly where she was going. I followed her on the cameras until I figured out where she was headed, then I left the control room and trailed her into the common residential wing. I thought that maybe somebody had called for some 'friendly' entertainment, but then I saw that she went into Alex's apartment and we both know he's not the type," Zeke smirks. "So I rushed back to the control room to delete the footage before anyone else could see it. He's in the clear, from last night at least. But I thought you'd like to know that your son is toying around with the law and he's setting himself up for trouble. This won't end well for him. For either of them."

It is so ridiculous that I almost want to laugh. And then I do. "You have _got_ to be kidding me," I say under my breath. "What exactly is their plan?" I ask, cynical. I know my son, and now that she's back in his life he will stop at nothing to be with this girl. Unfortunately, at this point, it's a lost cause.

"Alex told me that he was gonna talk to his grandmother… and they'd live factionless." Dani whispers the latter part of his sentence and he coils into his seat when I scream, " _What?!"_

I feel the blood leave my legs and my arms and it rushes to my face, bringing a heat there.

"I bet Evelyn would just _love_ that," Zeke adds. My mother _would_ be delighted to have them. Assuming that either one of them could fight their way past me. I'd be dead before I let my son or his girlfriend live factionless.

As if he reads my thoughts, Dani raises both palms in the air and says, "Don't die, Uncle Four. Abby didn't want that either. So technically, they don't have a plan. They don't know what to do."

"Well you'd better be a damn good friend and remind him that faction before _anything_ is highly enforced in this city and that his inability to comply could cost him his faction or his life," Zeke says to his son.

He turns to face me. "Things were different for her before her initiation. But now, they're both full-fledged members of their faction. I don't need to tell you that if they're caught in a love affair their loyalty to the factions _will_ be called into question and they will be tried as traitors. They could both spend the rest of their lives factionless or imprisoned." Zeke folds his arms and says, "The council doesn't really have a policy on this kinda thing, since nobody's ever been crazy enough to even think about it. But I can imagine they'll want to make an example of them. Don't forget that Victor already has it out for your people. I wouldn't be surprised if he pushed for them to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. And that's gonna get ugly real fast."

I grin smugly. "You know I'd never let them touch my son," I say, my voice grave. "And Victor would have three bullets in his head before he ever suggested it." But my grin falters and I release a shaky breath when suddenly I see the bigger picture.

"Exactly," Zeke says, serious.

And though it has yet to be provoked, I can smell vengeance thick in the air. No one has to tell me the lengths that I would go to protect my son, as out of his mind as he is. If they ever caught him, it would be their worst mistake. They would threaten him and I would viciously neutralize them. I wouldn't just cripple them, I'd end them.

"And when you stand beside him, I stand beside you. And who knows, he could even pick up a few sympathizers along the way. Everybody loves a good love story." Zeke stares at me intently and adds, "Your boy could start a war, Four." Terror and excitement awakens me as that fact becomes undeniably clearer by the minute.

"Is peace really that fragile around here?" Daniel asks, sounding unsure as if to speak at all. No one answers him. But yes, it is _._

"Look. Just tell Alex to be careful, ok?" Zeke urges. "As hard as it is he may need to move on."

Daniel and I exchange a glance. He and I both know that's not how this story ends.

"And if he doesn't?" I ask, but Zeke knows what I'm really asking him. I'm asking him if this could be it. If this could be the moment we strike. We've waited all of seventeen years to finish what we started, and even now we face the same deterrents as we did then. Nobody remembers the past, and all those loyal to the factional divisions will stand against us. It could be brutal. But this is my son, and I will bring them down either way.

"If he doesn't then we'll need to be ready," Zeke says. "If we decide to do this, then we do this properly. This time it sticks."

I nod.

"This time?" Daniel interjects quietly in the background. His face twisted in a confused whirl.

The hardest part of all of this is that our children have no idea, and now we have to tell them. We've prepared them for war, but who is to say that they will go? This is not their fight. They know nothing of Jeanine Matthews, mind controlling serums and mass murder. They know nothing of Erudite bigotry and despotism, of stealing memories and lives. And then there's the occasion that they do go. The direst thing about going to war is you may not come back.

I glance at Daniel and then at his father, pointing out the risks involved. Zeke understands the gesture.

"That's why we've trained them, Four," he says. "They're ready."

"And Shauna?" I ask quietly. Zeke and Shauna weren't planning on having another baby. It just happened. And now Jackson is barely nine months old.

"We all are," Zeke says. He pauses, and scanning my face he sees the uneasiness there. I would gladly risk my life for my son, but I have no right risking anyone else's. "It's as good a time as any, Four," he says, "We're not getting any younger."

Zeke cracks a smile and sincerely I say, "Thanks, Zeke." He knows that I'd hate to incite mayhem on this city without my best man in agreement. I'm more than relieved to know that he is. After all, this affects us all.

Daniel stares at us in utter confusion and says, "You two speak about whether or not to start a war as if you're deciding whether or not you want butter on your toast for breakfast." And it sounds silly, but it's not far from the truth. This war actually does hang on something quite simple; whether or not Alex wants to be with Abigail.

"Wait, who have you been training?" Daniel suddenly asks, his voice more serious. He looks at his father who then looks at me apprehensively. I nod slightly at Zeke. He has to tell him. But before he ever figures out how Daniel's eyes open wide and his face hangs in realization when he says, "Us? You've been training _us_?"

Zeke turns to Dani whose eyes are begging for an explanation. Without another word I turn and I leave, closing the door behind me, giving Zeke this moment to explain to his son everything that has been withheld from him for the past sixteen years of his life.

I walk back the way we came, along the unfamiliar pathway, thinking about what I will say to my own son. Thinking about how I will explain to my wife that Alex has been defying the government for the past year, he has no intention to yield to factional law and because of that we may now be at the brink of war... again.

By the time I get back home I know there's still some time before Tris gets back, but when my hand falls on the doorknob it turns and the door swings open. The lights are off and I immediately look around to see who's in my house, when in the shadows I see a tall, dark haired figure standing by the window just looking out. He turns around and it's like looking in a mirror.

"Alex," I say to him. He looks at me with tormented eyes. I guess he finally decided to come to me.

"Dad," he says, and it's all that he says. There's an awkward silence as we stare at each other. Neither of us moves.

"Why didn't you come to me sooner?" I finally decide to say. My voice is so heavy it frightens even me. His eyes widen at the realization that I know his secret.

"You know? How?"

"Zeke saw her come in last night. He was in the control room. Daniel filled in the blank spaces after we tortured him."

Alex sighs heavily into his palm. Obviously he didn't remember to consider the possibility of her being seen.

"Don't worry," I say, flat and expressionless. "He deleted the footage. No one saw her."

"Remind me to thank him for that later," he says. If he thinks deleting camera footage is badass, wait until he hears the rest of our plan.

"You didn't answer my question," I say, and I sound upset, but I'm not. I'm hurt, I realize.

"It's not that I didn't want to. I was just afraid to put you in an uncomfortable position."

"And now? What kind of position do you think I'm in _now,_ Alex? You're damn lucky Zeke just happened to be one watching the monitors, or you'd both be stuck in a holding cell by now."

"If you won't help me I understand." And bitterly he says, "After all, we're supposed to be keeping the rules right?" He looks at me with discontent, disappointment. It stings. I never want him to look at me like that. "Just thought I'd ask," he adds softly before taking a few steps toward the door.

"Alex, wait," I say, desperately grabbing hold of his arm as he tries to walk past me. I'm hurt that he had his secrets, but then there's mine. I swallow hard, having no idea how I will explain everything to him or what he will make of it, but knowing that I must I take a breath and I say, "There's something I need to tell you."

* * *

 **A/N: I'm pretty sure that this is _not_ how you guys saw this playing out lol But that's the way the cookie crumbled. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)**


	36. Chapter 36

**A/N: I am so glad that you guys loved the last chapter! :) Hopefully this one explains why Tobias is so ready to go to war. With 5,360 words, it's the longest chapter in the story so far, so just think of Theo James talking to a younger Theo James if you have trouble getting through it lol Please enjoy!**

* * *

 **36\. Stories**

 **ALEX**

Slowly, my father releases my arm, but he doesn't look at me. He might be angry at me, disappointed even. I'm not sure I'm ready to hear it. But needing to know whether he plans to help me or not, I follow him as he walks over to the balcony where we've had so many conversations before. I'd even say it's our spot.

A gush of the cold, night wind hits our faces as we step outside, and for a minute we just stand there looking at the city below us. At first his silence puzzles me, but not long after I come to realize that whatever it is that my father has to tell me, it must be difficult for him to say. Eventually, he grabs on to the rail with both hands as he leans into it, and then, releasing a heavy breath, he begins.

He tells me a horrible story. A story about corruption, mind control and genocide. He tells me that my mother was brave, that she went back into harm's way to save him and that together they stopped a vicious attack. He tells me of their refuge in Amity and the plans they made to take back the city, but my mother couldn't be a part of it because she was pregnant, and leaving her behind was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. He tells me about the raid on their camp and he explains how and why people remember a storm that never actually happened instead of the war or the vile deeds carried out by the Erudite all those years ago. I'm shaking by the time he gets to the part where I realize that the woman in Rae's story was our mother, and that Anna and I are only alive because of Rae and our grandmother.

When I find myself trying to wrap my mind around the fact that this city has been living a lie for seventeen years, my jaw clenches tight with anger because _I've_ been living that lie. A lie that my own parents made me believe. They've always told me to be honest, and my father once promised me that my secrets were safe with him, but _he's_ been lying to _me_ my entire life. How is that even remotely fair?

"Why are you only telling me this _now_?" I ask angrily, even before my father has finished. "Did you think you couldn't trust us with it? Or that we wouldn't be able to handle it?"

"I've never doubted your ability to act in difficult situations, Alex," he says. And even though I'm mad at him his words provoke a small sense of pride inside me. "I just wanted you all to have as normal a life as possible," he adds.

"By keeping the truth from us?!" I demand incredulously.

"You don't understand," he argues. "I walked these halls for two years in fear that one day someone would figure out what I was. Everywhere I went I felt like someone was watching, and I watched my nightmares turn to reality when they went from quietly picking off Divergents one by one to war and mass murder. Then I was forced to live in a world full of people who have no memory of it all. You don't know what that feels like. The truth is a burden that I didn't wish for you or your sister to bear. What do you really think you would have done if you had known?"

"I don't know…." I say. I hold my head, trying to let all of this sink in. Maybe he's right. Maybe I would have passed most of the few years that I've lived looking over my shoulder or locking Annabelle in her room. Maybe my ignorance is what made me enjoy life. So why do I still feel betrayed?

"I just didn't know that we were keeping things from each other," I say softly.

"I didn't either," he says. And as usual, I realize that my words are hypocritical. He must be upset that I never told him about Abby.

"So what's changed?" I ask him, wondering why the sudden honesty on his part.

"You first," he counters.

As I stare out into the open, I lean into the rail and say honestly, "I need your help. I promised Abby that I'd always be there as long as it's what she wants, and I meant it. But if at any point it becomes too dangerous I'm afraid I won't be able to keep that promise, because I won't risk her life. She doesn't want me to leave Dauntless, but as far as I know that may be our only option." I turn to face him. "I'd like a different one. I'm here to call in my favour."

Smiling lightly, my father raises an eyebrow and says, "What exactly did you have in mind?"

"There are still a few days of initiation left. I need you to help me get her into Dauntless."

He huffs at this. "That's way above even _my_ head, Alex," he says.

"But you're on the council, dad," I argue. "It doesn't get much higher than that."

"I'm not the council's sole member," he says. "And asides from Zeke, nobody else is going to let that happen, since allowing her to switch factions after she has already chosen breaks every fundamental law under which the city is governed." And shaking his head he adds, "For as long as it exists factional law will remain untouchable, and unless the founders were to resurrect and say so themselves, there is not a person in this city who could counteract that."

I sink into myself, like I've been deflated. Mercilessly, his words put to rest every trace of hope that I had managed to muster on the way over here. "So you can't help me," I say, sounding defeated.

"I didn't say that," he says firmly, and he stands a little straighter.

I press my eyebrows together. "What other option is there?" I ask.

"We make factional law inexistent," he plainly suggests, as if I weren't confused enough already. It shows, and seeing this he says, "Allow me to elaborate."

"Please."

He nods and I listen intently when he begins. "The reason Zeke and I accepted to sit on the council as representatives of Dauntless was so that we could keep an eye on the situation in the city," he says. "Just in case history ever repeated itself, we'd be there to catch it this time."

"I thought you said that you had killed all of those responsible?"

"We did," he replies. "But the Erudite themselves weren't the problem. The problem is the system. Because of the great significance the Erudite give to knowledge, they eventually become cold, calculated. They stop seeing human beings and in its place they just see chemicals and probabilities and statistics. Their faction ideals ultimately cause them to trade empathy for logic." He pauses. "The same can be said for the rest of the factions. The Dauntless in pursuit of bravery have become cruel. The Amity in pursuit of peace have become passive. The Candor have lost all tact and consideration in the name of honesty, and as for the Abnegation," he says with a slight chuckle, "Well they've just lost their damn minds."

"We knew it wouldn't take long for the next generation to make the same mistakes, draw the same conclusions about the factions and the Divergent," he continues. "So we wanted to take it down, form a new society, but we couldn't. The Dauntless were too loyal to the system and they were a huge part of our efforts. And after the memory serum was released it was a lost cause. The only other option was to take it down by force. Your grandmother was adamant that we did."

"But you couldn't do that," I say with understanding. "You'd be taking away people's right to choose and you'd have had an uprising, to say the least."

"Exactly," he says. "We're not the only ones living in this city, so we decided to wait." Shaking his head he adds, "At first, I was sure that the Erudite would rise up again, especially after they got their hands on Jeanine Matthews' information. But for some reason they still haven't. So then I figured that we'd wait until the people showed signs of discontent with the faction system. I figured that with time they would come to see how much this system takes away from them, and that they'd cry out for change or liberty, and then we could reform the rebellion. It's why I taught you all how to fight, and why I showed you every back door on this compound, making sure you knew how to get in and out without being seen. I needed you all to be able to defend yourselves if this city ever fell apart again."

I look at my father with disbelief. All my life I've questioned why he has never voiced his opinions on our government. I've questioned the danger in my divergence, my preparedness for my initiation, the way my parents have always insisted that we uphold the rules of our faction, and I realize I've misjudged them this entire time. It's not that they were paranoid, or that they were cowering in fear. They've been patiently waiting all this time for the opportune moment to strike back.

"And has it?" I ask my father, suddenly wondering if my rebellion is one of many.

"Not enough," he says with evident disappointment. "It's still all the same. The system has brainwashed the majority, and the rest are too afraid to speak out. I'm starting to realize that no matter how long we wait, no matter how many more times the Erudite attack, because they _will_ try again _,_ people will always choose the factions because change is too hard."

I nod a little. That sounds a lot like what Abby told me about why she had gone back to Amity. She told me that she had fought change until she couldn't anymore. She told me she had lost that fight only because she loved me more than she was afraid of change. And If she can do it, then so can everybody else.

"Maybe they have to want it bad enough to fight for it," I say.

My father shakes his head and says to me, "That is only true for some. Even after Jeanine had killed off half the Abnegation and every Divergent she ever got her hands on in the name of control and experiments, the majority of the people of this city held on to the factions for dear life as if it were their own mother, because they couldn't see themselves without it. It's why we were trying to get as much information as possible on the Erudite experiments before bringing them down," he explains. "I trusted that evidence of the truth would have been enough to sway the people because I wanted to believe that there was a more peaceful way to unite this city, tear down our divisions. But after seventeen years on the council, and seeing how each faction puts the fear of God in its members, I'm not sure there is. I'm not sure they'll _ever_ want it bad enough."

"Are you saying that you're prepared to hijack the city? It'll be a war," I say, disconcerted. The need for change is indisputable, but at the cost of how many lives? And if there is one thing my father is not, it's a heartless tyrant.

"I'm saying that I'm willing to… For the right reason," he says, and he looks at me as if waiting for an answer. As I'm wondering what it is exactly that he's asking me I think I figure it out, but then I decide that it cannot possibly be _that_ so I think again only to come back to the same conclusion. My mouth falls open and I almost don't hear myself when I finally say, "You're leaving this up to _me_..."

He says nothing. His silence is affirmative.

"Are you kidding me?" I almost shout, pushing myself off the rail. "That's a bit dramatic don't you think? You can't get my girlfriend into Dauntless, but you can take down the entire faction system? How much sense does _that_ make?!" This time I do shout. I'm so furious that I seem to have lost my senses. As much as I've given him the occasional sass, I've never dared to yell at my father.

"It makes plenty sense," he says levelly. The tone of his voice is so calm that it's frightening. "Within the confines of the law I can't do a damn thing. The only way around it is to overthrow it."

My eyes square in on his. "Do you have any idea what you're asking me though?"

"What I'm asking you is are you willing to go to war for her. Because what you're doing is treason, Alex, and treason is punishable by death." His jaw clenches. "If you want to be with her, this is the only way that happens."

I scoff loudly. This is definitely _not_ the favour I came here to ask.

"No, it's not," I seethe bitterly. "If that's the case then I'll just go back to option number one. I prefer to be factionless than be responsible for the deaths of countless people. Because what you're really asking me is for permission to endanger the lives of my friends, my family, everybody else who decides to fight with us, and not to mention every other person who gets in our way all so that I could be with Abigail. You don't get to ask me that, dad. That's not a simple question."

"Well then here's the only simple question that you need to answer." And he asks me, "Do you love her?"

"Of course I do," I say without hesitation.

"Then you're not going anywhere," he scowls at me. "I don't know what you _think_ you know about living factionless. If you knew anything at all, you'd never subject the woman you love to _that_."

"Well then I'll stay," I say, heated, "and then I'll find a way to be with her."

"And then you will get caught, Alex!" my father yells. His fingers squeeze around the rail of the balcony until his knuckles are white. "There are people everywhere looking at everything that everybody does. One day, someone _will_ see you. And they _will_ come for you. And there _will_ be a war. Because I will _not_ let them kill my son," he says fervidly. "And what you need to understand is that even if they _don't_ catch you, there will be a war. But not at my hand, at yours." He fixes his eyes on mine and says, "Because I know you. I know that one day you'll get tired of hiding. One day you'll want more than the options they've given you. One day you'll want to marry her and you'll want a family, and they won't let you do that, and you won't take no for answer."

I violently tear my eyes away from his, feeling as though he was looking into the deepest parts of my soul and seeing everything that I have ever wanted since the day I met Abigail. I try to swallow the anger that his words provoked, because deep down inside me I know he's right, and the Dauntless in me would tear away anything that dared to try and separate me from Abigail. I love her, and I will have her, because nothing else matters.

And it's in that moment that I realize just how my father has been able to live seventeen more years under the system that almost took everything away from him. He's had his family and we were all he's ever needed. We were more important to him than his own freedom. What drove him to yield is what will eventually drive me to fight; love.

"Alex…," my father says softly. "Look at me." I do. "I'm sorry that I've made this your decision to make. Honestly, I wish I didn't have to," he says gently. "As much as the factions are flawed and the city needs change, being the one who incites that change is a heavy burden to bear because of all that comes along with it. So if you say no, I'll understand. But I wouldn't have suggested this unless I was absolutely certain that one day or another, it would be the only choice that either of us would make. And if it is that it's yours, I'd rather it be when I'm still able to help you fight."

My father's eyes are honest as he takes breath after breath of the cold, night air. He's fought for this city before, and he's always tried to do right by the people who live in it. If he were to wage war against the factions, I would fight with him in a heartbeat. But why should anybody choose to fight with _me?_ I'm not nearly as honourable as my father, and my fight would not be about anybody else's freedom. It would be about mine and Abigail's.

Feeling more than a bit ashamed of myself I quietly admit, "I think you should know that if I say yes, I wouldn't be fighting for the city. I'd be fighting for Abby."

Levelly my father says, "And if you say no and they take you from me, I wouldn't be fighting for the city. I'd be fighting for you."

"Exactly how selfish is that though?" I ask him.

"It's very selfish," he says, and he rests a hand on my shoulder. "But if it makes you feel any better, it also serves a greater purpose."

He smiles faintly, and my Abnegation slightly composes itself at the thought that this is bigger than me and Abigail. Still, I nod hesitantly, unsure that doing the right thing for the wrong reason is still the right thing. Abby might say that it's not the right thing to do at all. As much as she has changed, she is still Amity and war goes against everything she believes in. She won't like this at all.

"Just give me some time to think, ok?" I say to my father quietly. Although, I doubt that all the time in the world would make this any easier.

"Ok," he says.

And just then the lights flick on. I turn around only to see my mother closing the front door behind her. She grins wide when her eyes catch sight of me and after throwing her purse in the couch she runs out on the balcony. Laughing, she wraps her arms tight around me. "Alex," she sings sweetly, smiling into my chest. "I've missed you so much."

Squeezing her just as tightly I say, "I've missed you too." It's been too long since I've last visited home.

My mother looks up at me and I swear there's a strength in her eyes that I never saw before. It makes a flood of emotions rush through me, now knowing all that she's been through and all that she's done, and it's like I'm seeing her for the first time, like I'm looking at her with a fresh pair of eyes. My father has always been invincible to me. How is it that I missed that my mother was just as strong? That she is the reason why _he_ can be strong? I can't help but feel like I've taken her for granted.

Bringing her closer, I lean into her ear and I whisper, "I love you, mom."

"I love you too," she whispers back against my chest but she pulls away quickly. Her eyes dart between my own and my father's when she sees the tension on his face, and the confused look on her own makes me realize that he hasn't told her yet.

"What's wrong?" She asks nervously as she continues to look at us both, suddenly aware of the heaviness in the mood.

"Come on," I say to her and I gently take her hand in mine. "Walk with me."

She looks at my father who nods approvingly, and together my mother and I walk through the door.

We walk and we talk about the story that my father had just told me, and then I tell her the story of how I fell in love with a beautiful Amity girl named Abigail, a girl that I can't ever imagine my life without. I tell her the offer that has been laid on the table for me, and I confess that although all of me is ready and willing to fight for Abby, it feels selfish that I should ask everybody else to.

I'm not sure how far or how long we walked, or which route we took to get here, but we're outside. The moon is so bright that it lights up the city streets, and I can see way off into the distance. The very top of the old buildings are painted white as they attempt to touch the night sky. The city looks peaceful, its streets quiet and calm.

All of that might change soon.

"Could you imagine there being enough people in the city to fill all these buildings?" my mother asks me as she gazes at the large, broken down structures that surround us on every side. "We're just a speck of how big the world used to be," she says.

"They're all gone now... because of a war," I say grimly. Five minutes ago I was almost certain that change was the right thing for this city, no matter what it took. And now the charred, empty buildings are screaming at me, asking me to reconsider.

Suddenly she stops walking, and turning to face me my mother asks, "What do you think they were fighting for?"

"I don't know," I shrug, still staring off. "But if our messed up faction system is better than whatever they had before then I can't imagine how ruthless these people were."

"I don't think our system is better," my mother says, shaking her head. "I think it's exactly the same. In the end, the product is segregation, arrogance, indifference, all things that lead to war. They fought each other because they weren't united the same way we aren't."

My mother looks up at me as she wraps her arms around me. I smile down at her gently. I'm much taller than she is, but her embrace is just as comforting as it was when I was a little boy, when I could still fit in her arms, back when _she_ was cradling _me_ and not the other way around.

"I understand that," I say to her. "I understand that as long as our city is divided the way it is, one day or another it will fall apart again whether I have a say in it or not. I understand that people will die no matter what I'm fighting for. I'm not running away from a fight, mom," I say with a slight shrug. "I just don't want to be the reason for it. I can't let you and dad and everybody else risk your lives just because I can't get what I want. If something happened to any of you I'd never forgive myself."

Death is an unavoidable part of war, of life, and that's ok. But it's not the same when someone dies and when someone dies because of _you_.

My mother searches my face and smiles with recognition when she says, "Do you remember when you told me about the fear in your fear landscape that you didn't know how to beat?"

I nod. How could I not remember? I'm living it right now.

"What did I tell you?" she asks me.

"You told me that the people who love me are willing to fight for me just as much as I'm willing to fight for the people I love," I say with a small smile, already knowing where she's going with this. Somehow, my mother always knows exactly what to say.

"Exactly," she says. "And we can't stop you from fighting for Abigail any more than you can stop us from fighting for _you_."

I hold my mother tighter, tighter than I think I've ever held her, and with tears in my eyes I admit, "I'm just not ready to lose any of you."

My mother presses a palm into my cheek and says, "Wars have been fought for lesser things than freedom and love, Alex. And if I'm gonna die fighting then I'd rather it be because I was fighting for my son." She smiles a little. "And you know what the Abnegation say about that?"

"What?" I ask.

"They say that when someone wants to sacrifice themself for you, if that sacrifice is the ultimate way for that person to show you that they love you, then you should let them do it, even if it's selfish. They say that it is the greatest gift you can give them." And her eyes gloss over with tears when she says, "It's what my parents did for me."

I never knew how my grandparents died before tonight when my father told me, but I always knew that they loved my mother as much as she loved them, as much as she loves us.

"And they're right," my mother continues, the tears now falling from her eyes. "Because nothing would make me happier than to die if it meant that you could live and live freely... So let us fight for you."

With a heaviness in my heart and wiping away her tears, I nod and I softly say, "Ok."

She smiles and rests her head on my chest, and I hear a soft laugh escape her lips when she says, "But don't worry too much. You should know by now that your father and I are pretty hard to kill."

I press a kiss to her forehead, and I look up at the night sky praying with every fibre of my being that that fact always remains true.

* * *

I walk my mother home before heading back to my apartment. I think until I can't anymore, wondering just how I'll explain all of this to Abigail. I walk slowly and with my hands deep in my pockets as if the answer were somehow hidden there.

I open the door and she's already standing there, waiting for me. Her eyes are swollen and they pierce into mine as she waits for an answer. Before I say a word I take her into my arms and kiss her hair. I breathe in deep before pulling away, hoping that the sweet scent of her will ground me. But when I look into her troubled eyes, I'm still unsure of how to begin, so then I just do.

I recount my father's position, explaining how and why he came to it, and then I explain my own. Abby understands most of it. She understands that _faction before blood_ must go. It's the inevitable death and chaos part that her Amity just won't let her swallow.

She fights with me. She pleads with me. She wants to wait. But I tell her that a city that fails to see its own captivity will never cry out for change. It will never be enough, not for another hundred years. And quite frankly I don't think I could wait that long to be with her.

She yields.

Abby collapses deeper into my arms as she cries apologies into my chest. The fact that she thinks that she has anything at all to apologize for breaks me. I pull away from where she clutches at my shirt and I bend my knees a little to meet her eyes but she turns away.

"Abby, this isn't your fault," I say, dejected, knowing that she only thinks it is because she didn't choose Dauntless, an option that I had selfishly presented. When she says nothing, I sternly say, "I mean it," demanding her attention. I take her chin into my palm and I gently tug it toward me. "Abby, look at me," I say. I need her to understand this before we ever go through with it. Firmly I say, "None of this is your fault."

"Yes it is," she then sobs softly. "I could have prevented all of this. If I had chosen differently-"

"If you had chosen differently, then we would have had to fight a different day and for a different reason," I interrupt. "But there still would have been a fight to be had, Abby. We're slaves to a system that tells us what to do, who to be..." and looking deeply into her eyes I say, "…and who to love. Nothing and no one should have that power over us. And you shouldn't have to change who you are just so that we could be together. We deserve to be free. We all do. So, no, this is not your fault."

When I'm sure that she understands that, I press my lips to hers. And for just a moment I don't feel as selfish anymore, because my father was right and this _is_ bigger than us. By fighting for each other, we're fighting for our city. For the first time tonight my Dauntless and my Abnegation are at peace.

"One day people will tell stories about us," I say, wiping the tears from her cheeks. "About a beautiful Amity girl and the unsuspecting Dauntless boy that fell hopelessly in love with her."

Abby smiles sweetly. "It _is_ a beautiful story," she whispers.

"Yeah it is," I say.

"I remember when I was little my mother used to always tell me her favourite love story," Abby says, wrapping one arm around my waist as we slowly make our way to the bedroom.

"Yeah?" I ask. "What was it about?"

"It was about a princess and her prince who lived in a world ruled by five great kingdoms. They were from the warrior kingdom, and the princess was strong, stronger than anyone. But just when another kingdom attacked, led by their evil queen, the princess found out that she was gonna have a baby, and it wasn't safe for her to fight anymore. And so, the prince sought out the best nurse in the land to take care of his princess and he found her a tiny magical fairy to keep them all safe. Then he set out to rid the world of the evil queen so that the princess and their baby could be safe."

I sit gently on the bed, pulling her into my lap. "And did he? What happens in the end?"

"The other kingdom attacked again, and the evil queen cast a spell on them so that the prince and the princess wouldn't remember each other. My mom didn't know the ending but she always said that she was so sure that they'd find each other and that their love was so strong that the minute they saw each other it would break the spell and they would remember. She said she could feel somehow that they were together and their baby was safe."

"That's a beautiful story," I say. It actually sounds a lot like the story my dad told me, save the magical fairy and another couple details. "I know a story just like it," I tell her. "Wanna hear it?"

She nods.

As I tell her the story, I realize that for the first time, there are no blank spaces. It's the most beautiful story she's ever heard, and it's the most beautiful story I've ever told. I tell her the story of a love so strong that it survived the worst, a story of two people who found each other at exactly the right moment and saved each other time and time again. I tell her the love story of Four and Tris.

* * *

 **A/N: So a lot happened in this long chapter, story and character development wise, and unfortunately I can't address it all in a short A/N :( If there are any questions/doubts about certain things, please PM/Review and I most definitely will reply :)**

 **Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)**


	37. Chapter 37

**A/N: You guys are amazing :)**

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 **37\. Safe Haven  
**

 **TOBIAS  
**  
I love this balcony. Despite the sense of height I feel when I stand out here, it is impossible to miss how beautiful the view is. More importantly, it holds sentimental value for me. It's where I first discovered that my son, just like me, was afraid of heights. He was three years old, and I was carrying him in my arms when one night I wanted to show him the city lights, but as I stepped out he buried his face into my shoulder and clasped tightly on to my shirt. _I don't like it daddy,_ he had confessed.

It became the first of many things we shared on this balcony. Things that when spoken about made us feel vulnerable, things that terrified us just as much as the wind hitting our faces or the sight of the ground thirty storeys below. But just as how the iron barrier forbade our fall, we knew that we were safe in each other. It's the perfect spot. It reminds us both to trust in spite of fear.

I hear Tris greeting him as he enters through the front door, and the corners of my lips curl upwards against my will, triggered by a mixture of pride, love, and just plain old missing him. As his mother folds him into a hug I'm tempted to go do the same, but I decide to wait for him on the balcony. I imagine he'll want to talk.

As difficult as it was for me to tell him the truth last night, I know it was harder still for him to hear. Learning of your city's dark past only to then be presented with the option of war is a lot to process all at once. I knew he would be upset. He has a right to be. I've put an incredible amount of weight on his shoulders. It's a weight that I truly wish was mine to carry, since commandeering this city will be harder for him than it would ever be for me. I've lived under the faction system twice the amount of years that he has, making it that much easier for me to want to implement some changes.

War will only be Alex's choice upon the condition that there is no other option, and even so, it will be a lot for him to bear. Hopefully after having spoken to his mother, he understands that he won't have to bear it alone. All the same, I already know what his decision will be. Alex has always understood the need for change.

Subsequently, this morning Tris and I had to tell Christian and Annabelle everything. Anna wasn't at all upset that we had kept the truth from them for this long. Instead, she was absolutely horrified by all that her mother and sister had been through. She held on to them for hours before finally finding the strength to let go. And as young as he is, Christian was surprisingly understanding of it all, even of the certainty of danger that lies ahead. He is brave. They all are.

I hear Alex's steady footsteps become louder as he approaches, and without turning around I say, "You're early." As much as I knew that he would choose to fight, I wasn't expecting him to come to a decision this fast. But then again, his mother can be very persuasive.

"Yeah," he says. He leans both arms into the railing and takes a deep breath of the cool air. The evening sun shines bright shades of orange on his face.

"You're alone?" I ask, peeping over my shoulder. I was half expecting him to bring Abigail with him, since I had advised him that for her safety it's better she stays in the compound until this is all over.

"I am," he says with a smile. "I know you're excited to meet her but we need to talk first. I'll bring her over for dinner tonight."

"Ok," I say. "Talk quickly. The rest of my platoon will be over soon."

I've already spoken to the clan of remaining Dauntless rebels; Zeke, Shauna, Uriah, Christina and Tori. They're all in, of course. Alex won't be too glad about that though. They are all family to him.

He closes his eyes and chuckles and he doesn't look at me until he says, "How'd you even know that I'd say yes?"

 _Because you're my son_ , I think to myself with a smile. But instead I say, "Because I knew that if you turned out to be anything like me or your mother, one day there'd be something that you'd be willing to fight for."

"So, is this the kind of favour you had in mind then?" Alex asks bluntly, "Taking over the world?"

"This is the exactly the favour I had in mind," I say firmly, feeling no need to withhold honesty. "Can't say I saw _this_ coming though," I add with a slight chuckle. "A woman."

I don't know why I didn't though. I should have.

"Honestly," he pauses and then says, "me neither." He leans further into the railing, looking out over the city. Eventually he says, "I was thinking about what you said, about me one day wanting a family. I do. Hopefully I can be as great a father as you are."

His words are heartening. I don't deserve them. "You'll be better," I say.

"Why do you say that?" he asks, narrowing his eyes.

"Because you're already a much better man than I was at seventeen," I say.

It is an insult comparing Alex to who I was at his age. He is not damaged and sullen the way I was. He is strong and confident when I was weak and as insecure as they come, and a year later I was no better. I was haunted by the fear that one day I would turn into my father, that the same demons that dominated him were lurking inside of me too. I was afraid that I would hurt Tris or that she would wake up one day and realize that she was much too good for me and leave.

When I found out that Tris was pregnant, I was as much petrified as I was overjoyed. I knew that I wanted eternity with her but I also knew that I had no idea how to be a father or a husband. Still, I was determined to do my best and though I only ever knew what _not_ to do, I started from there.

I hated that I was abandoned, so I kept my children close. I hated growing up in a home of perpetual fear and loneliness, so I made myself available whenever they needed me, promising them that no matter what they could always come to me, because I wanted them to feel safe. And there is not a day that goes by in which I am not grateful for the biddable nature of my children, because the truth is I have no idea how to reprimand them. I can't raise my voice without feeling like a monster, even fair punishment is difficult to enforce because I can't bear to look at the sadness on their faces, and I would die before I ever raised my hand to them.

As much as I've tried, there are still times when I think it wasn't enough, but then my son tells me things like, "You know, if I _am_ it's only because I had a much better example of what a man should be."

I smile, but I stare off into the horizon, hoping that the wind will blow away the tears forming in my eyes. All I've ever wanted was to be good enough for them, for all of them. And to know that my son is a better man because I became a better man is more than a little touching.

We just stand there for a few minutes without words. Until all of a sudden he says, "Tell me something." I nod. "Did you sneak off during your mission to go see mom at Amity?"

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"I kinda snuck out during initiation to go see Abby for her birthday," Alex says with a smirk of reminisce.

"I heard about that," I say. This morning, actually. I was surprised and yet not surprised to find that Rae and Annabelle knew about Abigail all this time. My children share a unique bond and a loyalty to each other that I may never fully understand, being an only child.

"I'm realizing more and more that we aren't that different," Alex then says.

In a lot of ways he _is_ just like me. The better parts of me anyways. He's just as jealous though. Although, not for the same reasons. Learning of me and my mother's abuse only made Alex overly protective of his sisters. I decided to tell them about Marcus when they were old enough, before they accidently came across that Erudite article or heard about it from somebody else. I kept them far away from him. I wanted to protect my children from the man who destroyed my own childhood, made me cower in dark closets and whose knuckles I knew better than his embrace. And although Alex only ever saw Marcus for the first time at his choosing ceremony, the knowledge of his existence and all that he had done still affected him.

"Yeah well, I didn't get caught," I say, giving him a smug look.

"Why does love make you so crazy, dad?" he then says, grinning and grabbing at his head in a way that makes me laugh loudly.

"Just wait until you start arguing," I say. "Then you'll see just how crazy it can make you."

"I think I have an idea," he says. "I slept in the woods after the big one."

I punched my way through a metal door, I've hit at least ten different men in the face for disrespecting my wife in one way or the other, and I've shot holes at a target until there was no more target left, just to name a few, but instead I share a much more personal memory. I turn my head to look at him and I say, "I used to climb up on the roof when things got too hard and it would hurt too much. Try to replace the pain with fear."

"Did it work?" he asks.

"Barely," I say quietly. Tris and I have suffered things that no ordinary couple suffer. But every storm has brought us closer together and has driven us to appreciate each other more than life itself. It's why I protect every hair on her head, because every inch of her is so valuable to me. He doesn't fully understand what that feels like yet. Certain lessons in love are only learned with time and hardship. But he will one day. It only gets crazier from here and I don't want to scare him, so I decide to share something more encouraging, and equally as true.

"Love can be terrifying, but it transforms you and it grounds you. It makes you want to be better and then it gives you the strength that you need to be," I say.

Alex smiles at me and says, "She says I've changed her, but she's changed me too." He takes a deep breath and then lets it out. "It feels like we're a part of each other. Especially after we..." His voice trails off and he smiles a little and I get the point.

"Oh. I see," I say, unable to hide the look of curiosity on my face. "I don't presume you need help in that particular area."

"Naw, I'm good," he says assuredly and with a small smile. Alex has always been confident, maybe even a little bit too cocky sometimes, but never arrogant. It's one of the things I've always admired about him.

"You're my son," I say mischievously. "I don't expect anything less." I give him a slap on the back and we both let out an impish chuckle. "I know what you mean though," I add, thinking about the indestructible connections that were formed between Tris and me after our first time together.

"Please don't tell me about you and mom," he scowls. "I'd rather not think about _that_."

"How do you think you got here?" I demand with a laugh and I turn my whole body to face him.

"I know _exactly_ how I got here," he says. "I just don't want to think about it, that's all."

God knows I would never be having this conversation with Annabelle. The sheer thought of a boy even looking at her makes me feel homicidal. And it took years for me to admit to myself what Rae was doing when she'd sleep over by Jake's. It's different with my daughters. It's a double standard. But I don't care.

Thinking about this, I press my eyebrows together just a little. "So does your twin sister have a secret boyfriend that she's not telling me about?" I ask seriously.

"Technically, no," Alex says, rubbing the back of his neck the same way I do.

"Technically?" I seethe.

"Technically… he's not her boyfriend… yet."

I've seen the way Zeke's boy looks at her. I still can't quite figure what he's thinking though. Anna's a year older than he is, and she seems to take no particular interest in him or any guy for that matter, but he somehow manages to go out of his way to make the impossible happen for her, regardless of the fact that she just sees him as a friend. Maybe he _is_ just being a good friend, or maybe he's hoping that one day she'll see him as more than that.

I hope it's option A. No offense to Zeke. He's my best friend, but he's a lunatic, and if my observational skills are any good, so is his son. I don't want my daughter dating a lunatic. But then I remember there's that one guy that showed up at her birthday party.

"Is it the guy who bought her the necklace?" I inquire.

"I'm not at liberty to say," Alex chuckles. "But between me and you, I already gave him the big brother speech. He's cool."

"He'd better be," I say menacingly before turning myself back against the rail.

When Alex was a little boy we used to stand on this balcony and talk about simpler things; his math teacher, his distaste for cheese, his adventures with Dani, and how he would struggle to stay awake in his faction history class. And now here we stand, two men, talking about love.

Then, as expected, we talk about war and death and family. Alex expresses his fear of losing his loved ones, something that is always a real possibility in a war. Truth be told, it makes me uneasy too, mulling over the fact that this is all really happening. And though I can't promise him that he has nothing to be afraid of, I assure him that if there ever were a family of people bred to survive a war, it's ours. We are ready. We've _been_ ready.

Alex is smiling, hopeful by the time we arrive at the end of our conversation, and even though _I_ was the one encouraging _him_ , perceiving his hope only strengthened mine.

We share a smile and together we make our way inside the house when down the hall, long before they actually walk through the front door, we hear the deep, comical laughter of Zeke and Uriah Pedrad. I check my watch. The others should be close behind them.

The brothers begin to knock incessantly, tapping in ridiculous rhythms on the door. I shake my head, wondering how their wives are ever able to handle them both at full dose.

"Oh my God!" Tris yells as she swings the door open. "Where's the fire? Huh?"

Zeke greets her with a mischievous smile, but without saying a word Uriah enters, and with a quirked eyebrow he begins to look around my house. He opens the kitchen cabinets and then lifts the hood of the washing machine. I grin instinctively, certain that he is up to no good.

Tris follows him around with a laugh, repeatedly asking him, "Uriah, what are you looking for?"

When his probing attempts fail, he finally asks, "Where's the girl?"

Tris laughs exuberantly. It's lovely.

"She's not here," Alex says with a grin, shaking his head. Although he's already told me that he'll be bringing her over for dinner tonight.

"Are you guys hiding her?" Uri then asks, leaning one arm on the back of the couch. He looks at Tris, then he looks at Alex, then he looks at me. No one answers him. Twisting his face he says, "Oh God, she's not ugly is she? I'd hate to go through so much trouble for an ugly girl."

"Hey, I've seen her," Zeke says, wide-eyed. "She's even prettier than you are, Uri." Zeke looks at my son, wiggles his eyebrows and grins wickedly.

Leisurely, Alex leaves my side and goes to stand beside his uncle and together they both look at Uriah with crossed arms. Eventually Alex turns to Zeke and says, "That's not saying much, Uncle Zeke."

* * *

 **A/N: So we got a little deeper inside Tobias' head and the relationship that he shares with his son. I know the ending is a bit random… but that's just what happened lol Please let me know what you guys thought of this chapter! :)**


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N: SURPRISE! :D**

* * *

 **38\. Meeting Abigail**

 **TRIS**

I wipe the wet cloth in vicious circles on the dinner table, but no matter how hard I do, it never seems to be clean enough. The chicken smells lovely but now I'm wondering if maybe I put too much spices. What if she doesn't like spices? What if she doesn't eat meat at all?

My lips shudder as I exhale and I take another whack at shining the table. Suddenly, I feel a strong hand and long fingers clench around my arm, abruptly stopping it in mid swipe.

"Hey… you ok?" Tobias asks me in a low voice, his brow furrowed with concern. Prying the cloth from my fingers he says, "If you continue to do that you'll wipe a hole in the table, love." He puts his arm around me and touches his nose to my hair, taking a breath.

I wrap both arms around his waist and take my own deep breath of the sweet air around his chest, pressing my face into it with an embarrassed blush before looking up at him. His eyes are luminescent and his smile handsome. Like fine wine, Tobias only seems to get finer with the passage of time. I'll never understand why a man so beautiful would be so in love with an ordinary looking woman like me. But maybe some things aren't meant to be understood.

"Are you nervous, Tris?" he asks me.

Ever since Alex left and told me that he was returning with Abigail, there's been a lump in my throat so I nod and say, "Yes." Although I'm not sure why. She's the one who should be nervous not me. Meeting your boyfriend's mother is almost always a terrifying experience. You never know what to expect.

I remember meeting Evelyn under similar circumstances; only recently coming to know of her existence, barely knowing anything about each other, and having to prepare for war together. That was a complicated relationship at first, to say the least. Her jealousy of my relationship with Tobias seemed almost childish. Although, I eventually came to understand her sentiments.

I've seen the way she looks at him. It's the same way I look at my own children. She never wanted to abandon her son and I was in the way of her reuniting fully with him. But the first time I held my baby boy in my arms was when I couldn't find it in my heart to let him push her away. Fraught with difficulty as their relationship had been and still is at times, those ties never really break. And I found that the more I included her, the more she accepted me. We both love Tobias and we both want to keep him to ourselves. So, in order to facilitate our relationship, I let her believe that we are sharing him. But Tobias is mine and he always will be mine.

But Abigail need not worry about me being threatened by a new woman in my son's life. I love my son and I have no doubt that I will love the woman he loves by extension. Alex has always had an eye for the best things in life, and I am sure that she is as amazing as he says she is. So why does my heart race at even just the thought of her?

Tobias doesn't ask me why, though I've admitted my emotional state. Instead he looks at me and smiles, his eyes twinkling just a little. I have to resist the urge to throw myself deeper into him and brush my fingers over the curl of his lip and the crease in his cheek when he smiles and the hard line of his eyebrow and jaw. He presses his lips to my forehead and I close my eyes, taking in his scent. He smells like Tobias and like love and like home.

"I am too," he admits, letting his lips linger against my skin.

I laugh softly into his chest and I curl my fingers in the hem of his shirt so he can't get away, wanting to savour the incredible comfort that comes with being in his arms. Tobias is warmer than anyone else would ever know; he is a secret that I have kept, and will keep, for the rest of my life.

"She is super sweet," Annabelle says, waking me up out of my Tobias filled dream as she throws a table cloth over the dinner table. "You guys will love her."

"How long have you known about this?" I ask my daughter, still refusing to let go of my husband. I try to hide the tone of voice that would expose that I was sad to find out that Alex had been keeping this from us for so long, especially considering all that _we_ had been keeping from _them_ , but sometimes it makes no sense to try and hide these things from Annabelle.

"Always?" she says apologetically. "He was giggling a bit too much and I harassed him until he fessed up. We didn't mean to hide it from you," she shrugs, "I guess he just didn't want to pressure her. We were gonna tell you when she chose Dauntless. I really thought that she would come."

I guess I understand. He must have been afraid to make her too permanent before he was actually in a position to do so. It would only hurt more afterwards if we had met her and then she never came. Or maybe he was afraid that we'd try and stop him. I'm not sure that I would have, or that I _could_ have. Alex is so much like his father in even the tiniest ways. They are both so determined and driven, even when facing the impossible. I would not have been able to stop him from being with her any more than Evelyn would have been able to stop Tobias from being with me. And all I want is for my son to be happy. But in a system that cages him, sometimes it is hard for him to do so, and it does not surprise me that he's found love outside of the cage that they've built around him.

"I had my doubts," Rae says, frowning. She leans against the table after passing the pot of chicken to Tobias. I reluctantly let go of my husband. "I was just _really_ hoping that I was wrong." She lets out a heavy sigh. "But maybe all of this is for the better. No one should be forced to deny everything and change who they are in order to be with the person they love. After this is all over, no one else will ever have to."

And I know what she's thinking about. I remember David telling me that Rae's mother had to switch from Dauntless to Amity so that they could be together, because he wouldn't have been able to survive in Dauntless. When Rae came to Dauntless, we looked for living relatives on her mother's side, but her grandmother, Isabela, had died two years after her mother did, unable to cope with her daughter's transfer and then her death. I'm not even sure if she knew that she had a granddaughter. Maybe she wouldn't have jumped if she did.

It makes _me_ think too. I remember Charity and Matthew, and how they were hoping that Tobias and the other rebels would have been able to change things. But I don't think about her too long. Every time I think of my old friend and her unborn child being cornered on a tree by Dauntless traitors the way they did me, it awakens something like a beast inside of me and it makes me wish that I could breathe life into Jeanine's powdered bones and summon her corpse just so that I could rip her heart out with my bare hands and watch her gag on her blood.

We cannot fail this time; if only for them.

I nod my head and Rae finds herself by my side. Lacing her fingers with mine she says, "I know."

It makes me smile, how she always seems to see into my mind. I guess I've always been so honest with her that she knows me maybe just as well as Tobias does. Apart from Christina and Tobias there aren't many people I confide in, but Rae and I have been through hell and back together. We have seen the best and worst of each other, one comforting the other depending on whose turn it was to be reduced to nothing by crippling nightmares and being haunted by death. We have nothing left to hide.

She read baby books with me and Tobias when the reality that we knew nothing about taking care of new-borns hit us, and she was all too happy to be designated nanny, even when she was a teenager. She has been like a guardian angel to her brothers and sister and she has been so many things to me that words don't do it justice. I know that I could never replace Rae's mother and that Tobias could never replace David, but Rae is our daughter, _ours_. She called me mom once, at Alex's and Anna's seventeenth birthday dinner. I cried all night.

"Come on," I say, pulling her into the kitchen to retrieve what's left of the food. "Let's help these two set the table." Annabelle hates kitchen duty and Tobias tends to want to 'sample' everything. And by sample, I mean eating half of it.

I pick up a large, glass bowl of vegetable salad. I think I hear footsteps behind me and I spin around. When I do I see Christian walking into the kitchen, and looking up at me he says, "Do you need help, mom?" But he doesn't wait for me to answer. He gently takes the bowl from my hands and takes it away to the dining room.

Alex has always idolized his father, but Christian is mine; selfless and brave and smart. He is _my_ little boy. Although, there's nothing little about him. In a few more years he'll be taller than I am. All of my children seemed to have picked up that particular trait from their father. They all have his charm too.

I take the last pot of food and setting it on the table I hear the front door open and it feels like my heart has sunken into my feet. I exhale and my breath shudders on the way out.

"It'll be ok, Tris," Tobias says to me.

"Yeah," I whisper. He nods and takes my hand, leading me into the living room.

I feel more than a prickle of excitement. My knees begin to shake of their own volition. I feel like the slightest thing could make me jump right out of my skin. Annabelle puts her hand on my shoulder and smiles, but she doesn't ask me about it, and I'm grateful. I don't know what I would say. I still don't know why I'm so terrified.

 _Steady_ , I tell myself, and I take a deep, slow breath before taking that last step into the living room.

All I hear is the sound of my son's voice as he softly says, "This is my family."

"Hello," she says, and she smiles nervously. A pale girl, with hazel eyes and apple-red curls. A beautiful display of genetics that I've only ever seen once in my lifetime.

The ghost of my old friend is standing in my living room. Only it's not a ghost. She is alive… and younger.

I think my heart stops.

"Charity?" I choke out. At my side, Tobias straightens, his muscles tensing.

"I thought her name was Abigail," I hear Christian whisper behind me.

Rae's eyes swiftly shift in my direction and focus on me. Her eyebrows furrow, but she doesn't speak. Then she glares at Abigail and says, "Oh my God… you're right."

"You knew my mother?" she asks, her voice light and childlike, and I clamp my hand over my mouth to stifle a sob or a choke, tears running over my fingertips. For a second I think she's alive. My old friend is alive. But Abigail asked if I knew her mother. Not know. _Knew_.

I nod. "Yes," I say, but my voice is hoarse, so the word barely escapes. "She was my nurse when I was pregnant with Alex and Anna." And I press my lips in a hard line to keep the sobs from escaping. Tobias squeezes my hand and stares at Alex before swallowing hard, his Adam's apple taking a dive as he does.

"It's the same story," I hear Alex say under his breath, his eyes opening wide as he speaks.

"It was real?" asks Abigail, her mouth falling open.

"What story?" I ask. I take a tremulous step toward her. Annabelle's hand slips away from my shoulder.

"My mom used to tell me stories about you when I was little," Abigail explains and I feel something break inside me.

 _She remembered me?_

"How is that possible?" Tobias asks quietly, his breaths shaky.

"What happened to her?" I barely manage to ask.

"She died when I was six." Abigail pauses. "She was sick." She delivers the facts calmly. She's had time to process them, deal with her mother's death. But they hit me square in the stomach, and I feel squeezed, like something is crushing me into myself, and I start to feel short of breath as the revelations begin to work their way into my mind and my heart. Charity was alive for six years after I thought that she had died. I left her. She remembered me. And I abandoned her.

All I can do is shake my head and say, "I didn't know she was alive…," I swallow another sob, "… I didn't know _you_ were alive. I never would have stopped searching if I did." I know I'm fumbling for an explanation, one that would make me feel better, but there is none. Nothing can ease this ache, this guilt, this painful thought that if I had looked a little harder I would have found them.

I run my fingers jaggedly through my hair and it feels like something heavy settles itself on my shoulders. When my hand falls Abigail walks over to me and squeezes it tightly. Her touch feels like a familiar one. One I haven't felt in seventeen years.

"It's not your fault," she whispers. "You didn't know. She didn't know either. She thought you didn't remember like everybody else," Abigail says softly. But I did remember. I do remember. I remember her warm smile and comforting embrace, her soft, small hands stuffing flowers in her hair. Abigail smiles as she continues, "But my mother loved you very much and she always said that wherever you were, she knew that you were safe."

"I loved her too," I say quietly. "Was _she_?... safe?" I ask, another tear rolling down my cheek. Abigail nods.

We all stand still for a few seconds, just looking at each other. Tobias stands a little closer to me, steadying me.

"Did you know my father?" Abigail then asks, and by the nature of her question and the look on her face I take it that she does not. If he had been unaffected by the memory serum, he would have stayed with Charity. If he _had_ been affected by the memory serum he would have returned to Abnegation. He was not with Charity and he is not in Abnegation, so he is most likely dead.

"Yes," I say. "His name was Matthew. He was Abnegation."

She speaks his name silently as if it is a new revelation to her. Tears well in her eyes. "Do you know what happened to him?" She then asks.

"No," Tobias answers for me. "We couldn't find them anywhere after the attack. We assumed that both he and your mother had died." Tobias stiffens again, and his voice is tense as he says, "I searched for them for a year, but I couldn't find them anywhere."

They must have been in hiding for all that time, maybe longer, unable to watch the lie of the storm unfold. And she was a baby. It makes no sense asking her where they were. Still, I do. Her eyes troubled, she shrugs.

"And Sarah?" Rae asks.

Abigail nods. "She's ok," she says with a smile that reminds me so much of her mother's. Like if she's glad that she can finally comfort us with some good news. Without second thought I throw my arms around her and the torment that has been plaguing me for the past two hours subsides, the weight settled on my shoulders lifted.

It's as if something deep inside of me knew and was waiting for her. Charity did tell me once that our children would play together and be best friends. I wish she could see what they've become. It's so unbelievable that I feel overwhelmed by the desire to smile and cry at the same time.

Maybe all of our lives are connected on some distant plane, and maybe somewhere deep inside of all of us we can sense not only the people that form a part of our past or our present, but also those who are a part of our future. I smile at the ridiculous thought but it feels right when I whisper into Abigail's ear, "You were a part of this family long before you ever found it."

* * *

Explaining to Abigail the exploits of Jeanine Matthews proves to be difficult. Her face cringes at the thought of mindless soldiers and memory loss. The death toll makes her bite into her lip. The Amity hate war. To be honest, I'm surprised she even agreed to it any at all.

"What's Divergent?" she asks.

I smile at the question. I remember asking my mother that question. My Divergence was once a mystery to me and I spent so many days and nights trying to understand its significance. I grabbed hold of my Divergence like it was a hand outstretched to save me. I needed that word to tell me who I was when everything else was coming apart around me. But now I know that I don't need it anymore. We don't need to be Divergent or Dauntless or Erudite or Amity.

At first I couldn't fathom it, a world without factions; a world in which no one knows who they are or where they fit. I imagined only chaos and isolation. But we don't need the factions to define us. We do not need to be characterized by a particular virtue. We can claim all colours, all activities, all virtues, and all flaws as our own. We can just be friends or lovers or siblings, defined instead by the choices we make and the love and loyalty that binds us. Maybe Abigail knows this. Her mother certainly did.

"The Divergent are people with more than one aptitude," says Rae.

"Is that really possible?" Abigail asks, pinching her eyebrows together.

"It is."

She scans the room slowly, only now realizing that she's in a room full of a kind of people who, before now, she thought could not exist. "Are you too?" she asks Alex.

He nods. "I'm half Dauntless, half Abnegation," he says, and I'm surprised he hadn't already told her.

Her eyes shift to the floor and blood rushes to her cheeks. "That explains a lot," she says quietly, and I can only imagine what selfless act my son has been executing on his girlfriend that makes her so red at even the thought of it.

Tobias tries to hide a grin as he leans against the door, his arms crossed. I remember him standing that way during initiation, as he watched us fight each other, so tall and so strong and handsome, I never dreamed he would give me more than a cursory glance.

But boys will be boys. I'd rather not ponder on the conversations that Alex and Tobias have on that balcony. But I'm sure that Tobias knows all about his son's 'selflessness'. And if Alex is as 'selfless' in bed as his father is, then Abby is in for a ride.

Abigail lifts her eyes and they land on Annabelle and she says, "And you're half Amity." She smiles as she connects a few dots in her mind. I imagine the two must have spent some time together. It wouldn't take much time for anyone to realize that my daughter is a lot kinder than any Dauntless.

"That I am," says Annabelle with a smile.

"Why is that such a bad thing? Being Divergent?" Abigail asks, shrugging her shoulders a little.

Christian settles himself beside me on the couch as she asks and then he says, "In and of itself it's not a bad thing, but when living in a city that's run by categorization, a person who cannot be categorized is a threat because they are unpredictable in any given moment." He continues to explain, "Every faction conditions its members to think and act a certain way. You can always count on the Dauntless to approach every situation with force and the Erudite to approach every situation with logic. But the Divergent mind can't be confined to one single way of thinking. And what happens when Alex's Abnegation or Anna's Amity, in whatever situation, tells them that the Dauntless approach may not be the best one? The Divergent eliminate the possibility of absolute control and that would terrify any faction loyalist who is smart enough to figure that out. Hence, the Erudite fought for our extinction."

I rest my chin on my hand and smile a little at Christian. He is just like his uncle Caleb; fascinated by everything, dissatisfied until he finds out how it works. He even has his eyes— my mother's eyes—a dull green.

"How do you know all this?" Annabelle says with a hint of astonishment in her voice, playfully throwing one of the pillows from the couch at her little brother.

"I figured it out," Christian says, catching the pillow. "It's pretty obvious when you think about it."

"Is it?" Alex asks with a small smile.

"Looks like you've got an Erudite in the family," Abigail says, grinning. I bite my lip at that.

I suspect so. Tobias is supposed to administer his first aptitude test when he turns fifteen, but I have a feeling I already know what he will find. Christian has been consistently showing signs of three factions, the same three factions as me, although his Erudite seems strongest.

"We've got everything but a Candor," Alex says to Abigail, and she opens her mouth in awe.

"I wish that we could just make our own faction of Divergents," Annabelle then says. "Make our own manifesto. Then I wouldn't have to pretend that I don't know that the simulation isn't real and I could just do whatever I want in it."

"And what exactly would you _do,_ Annabelle?" asks Alex with a grin.

"She'd live out her crazy fantasies," says Rae.

I think about that for a moment. We are aware during simulations. Not only the fear simulations, but we were immune to Jeanine's attack simulation too. I grip the edge of my seat and try to organize my thoughts enough to ask a question.

"What if the Divergent were immune to the memory serum?" I ask no one in particular. "If we can manipulate or be aware during the simulations, it suggests that we have some control over the serum that induces it. Right?"

It would certainly explain why Charity remembered me. I knew that she was different, that she never mirrored the Amity comportment the way she was supposed to, and I don't know how I didn't see it then. She was Divergent. She had to have been. Tobias straightens up and gives me a strange look.

"I guess so," he says. "Yeah. Jeanine assumed that you and I were immune to all serums after you broke me free from the attack simulation. It's why she held me captive and sent Eric to kill you. But neither of us was ever exposed." And I can only assume that Charity was. I may be wrong. She may have just gotten away. "And even if I were," Tobias then adds, "I was inoculated. We have no way of testing that theory."

"I don't think we have to," Christian interjects. "All serums are made up of the same core chemicals used to alter the brain and induce a hallucination. All that changes is the neurological pathway which leads to the part of the brain that is momentarily stimulated and put in a simulation state. So it's logical to deduce that if you're immune to one, you're immune to all."

He's right. I sit stunned in the couch, picturing how many other Divergents, pretending just like we are, just like Charity did, that the past never happened. The thought makes my hands tremble, but I don't try to push it from my mind. Tobias and I exchange a look and Rae gives her little brother a worried one.

"What?" he says to her. "I read it… somewhere." He shrugs.

"You read the encyclopaedia?" Rae teases.

Truth be told, with every day that passes I become more and more afraid that my little boy will leave me. He has a hunger for knowledge that maybe not even the Erudite can satiate. His older brother's rebellion to the faction system could not have come at a better time. Granted, I would have brought it down myself seven years from now if they had made my little boy leave me. The Erudite don't deserve him. No faction in this city is worthy of any of my children. For them I will gladly defy _faction before blood_. Blood before faction—no, love before faction, always.

"What does this mean?" Tobias asks me quietly as he ponders our most recent revelation.

I shake my head and say, "I'm not sure." But in any case, it can only be to our benefit.

We eventually move to the dinner table before the food gets cold. Abigail sits in the chair across from mine, and jut for a moment, our eyes touch. I can't stop glancing at her. She looks just like her mother, even her smile. Even the way she's not afraid to let it show that she's nervous. Abigail never belonged to Amity the same way her mother never did.

I keep glancing at the door, waiting for Charity to walk through it. I can't stop myself from hoping, foolish as it is. I know that she is gone but I smile through it because my heart is filled, like a living thing has awakened from a long sleep inside me. Because she is not gone. A part of her is right here with me. A part of her that will always be a part of me.

* * *

 **A/N: Hope you guys were glad to hear from Tris! It's been a while :) And I don't know how many of you were suspecting that Abby was Charity's daughter, but there were tiny hints in several chapters. Abby's mother's version of Four/Tris was a huge giveaway lol Sending a shoutout to FreeBlackLover who had figured it out since chapter 21 lol**

 **Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)**


	39. Chapter 39

**A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews on the last chapter you guys! :) I think it's now safe to say that all aspects of our history lesson have caught up with the present (only a million chapters later) lol  
I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. And thank you 20ESquirrel03 for being my 50** **th** **Fave! :)**

* * *

 **39\. Planning**

 **TOBIAS**

Tris exceeds the average woman in every way possible, so it shouldn't surprise me that she possesses a stubbornness that defies human nature. Yet, it never ceases to amaze me.

Today is the day we plan, and although nothing decided today will be set in stone, it's still the groundwork of our operation, and whatever plan we happen to come up with I'm certain that Tris would be able to suggest a better one. I need her there, but she won't be. To no one's surprise, Abigail has no desire to attend a meeting where the topic of discussion is war. Tris doesn't want her to be alone, so she's decided to spend the day with her.

I know that she really wants to do this. Abigail is all that Tris has left of her old friend, and they could both find comfort in each other's company. I don't want to rob her of the chance to spend time with Abby, but somehow I know that if Tris was there with us last time she would have strengthened the mission. We wouldn't have taken so long to gather the information. Ultimately, we would have succeeded. We simply cannot afford to mess this up again. Still, after pleading and helplessly following behind her as she paced around our bedroom, picking up random necessities for her day with Abigail, I lost.

Christian walks tucked beside Annabelle as we push our way into Zeke's dark torture room. Bringing him along was Tris' idea. Chris is smart and a quick thinker. Having him there is as good as having Tris there, but he's only nine and I'm not sure he's ready for all this. On the other hand, it makes no sense to shield him from the planning of a revolution when he might have to live through a war. Nothing can prepare him for what he will see in the upcoming days, maybe even weeks. We can't protect them anymore, any of them.

I should be nervous, excited, and content even that this is finally happening. Instead, all I can seem to think about is the safety of my family. As prepared as we all are, we are none immortal. But I relax into a state of assurance when my four children and I step into the room and all eyes turn to us. Between Rae, Alex, Annabelle and me, we could take on twenty-two men. The Eaton clan is one to be feared. The thought makes me lift my head a little higher.

"What's the kid doing here?" Zeke asks, staring at my nine year old as my children make their way over to the large table that now occupies the once empty room. Everyone is already seated there.

I walk over to Christina to explain Tris' absence before joining Zeke who is standing in the corner. "You'll see," I say to him.

"Let's start the party then," Zeke then announces to the room. "So what's the plan?"

I clear my throat. "Honestly not much has changed. We're staring at the same situation we did seventeen years ago. The only difference is that plan B is on the table, now that plan A is unlikely."

"What's plan B?" Annabelle asks from across the table.

"What was plan A?" Daniel counters, raising an eyebrow.

"Plan A was to get enough evidence against the Erudite and use it to get the support of the city in bringing them down," I reply. "After that, attempt to get everyone to understand why we'd be better off without the factions."

"Or at least get them to tone things down a bit. Not be so rigid," Tori adds. She has always been in favour of the factions, although she does agree that drastic changes need to be made. She did lose her brother to the system after all. He was Divergent. Jeanine had him killed.

I continue, "Plan A is unlikely because without evidence no one will support us and they'll most likely kill us for treason. Plan B is to ally with the factionless and take the city by force. Our objective is to do so with minimal loss of life."

"If that's the plan we'd need to disarm Dauntless," Christian smartly deduces. Zeke gives me a questioning look when my nine year old says, "I can't imagine everyone else being happy about this but the Dauntless are the only ones who would actually do something about it. Neutralise them and we'll have barely any resistance at all."

" _That's_ what the kid's doing here," I say quietly to Zeke, a smug look smeared on my face.

"He's right," Annabelle says. "The Dauntless are proud and blood thirsty. They would never give up their faction without a fight or lose the opportunity to shoot something."

"But how do we disarm them?" Alex asks. "Even if we somehow found a way to hide all their weapons, Dauntless are trained in combat. They'll fight to the death and given our numbers they will die."

Anna looks deep in thought, probably thinking of a way to get her faction to back down. When she realizes it's for naught she leans her face into her palms and finally says, "So plan A _we_ die, plan B most of Dauntless dies."

"Precisely," I say and I see the nodding of the four veteran heads in the room. I cross my arms and I can't help but watch as my children discuss war tactics and come up with the same conclusions we did in much less time. If it weren't such a grim situation, I'd be grinning from ear to ear with pride.

"Both plans suck!" Daniel says, scratching his head the same way his father always does.

"Well we were hoping that with a bunch of fresh minds maybe we could come up with a better plan. But you guys are useless," Uriah says, punching his nephew in the arm.

I chuckle a little until I see Chris at the table, picking at the wood with his fingernail and biting his bottom lip like his mother does. There's something he's not saying.

"Christian," I say softly. He looks up at me. "What's on your mind?"

He hesitates for a little while but when all eyes are on him he says, "There's another way… but I don't like it." He shrugs and continues to pick at the table. I'm not sure if I should push him. Chris is never afraid to speak up. He's Tris' son through and through. And if he's holding back it's because he really doesn't like what he's thinking.

Annabelle pulls him closer to her and rubs at his hair. "What is it, Chris?" she asks gently.

Tentatively he says, "We try to convince Dauntless to fight with us."

"That sounds a lot like plan A, kid," says Daniel.

"No," Christian stays strongly. "We don't need to convince the entire city all at once, just Dauntless. If it works, take the city, convince everybody else later."

It's a great idea, and I see several heads nodding as they consider it, but there's still the matter of how do we get the Dauntless to join us. I know that Chris wouldn't have suggested it unless he had already deciphered it all in his head. He's still not saying everything. So, I ask him, "But how would we convince them?"

He sighs. That proves to be the question that he didn't want to be asked. He takes a deep breath and then says, "Someone has to tell them the truth about the attack on Abnegation and the release of the memory serum. But it's a long shot. We'd be hoping that the Divergent that remember what happened would be willing to testify that it's true. If enough of them can back up our story then Dauntless will believe, and the fact that their memories were stolen after they were used to kill off another faction should be enough to incite them."

I nod my head in agreement as he speaks. Even after we realized that the Divergent were immune to the memory serum, it never occurred to me to reach out to them. It is genius and it just might work. But then again, it just might not. The Divergent make up less than 15% of the population, and who is to say that enough of them will risk their lives in order to save ours? And that's when I realize why Chris doesn't like this idea one bit.

"But if no one decides to speak out, whoever's telling the story is as good as dead," I say. He nods twice.

"So there's a 50/50 chance it's a suicide mission and someone will have died if only just for the sake of us being able to say that we _tried_ to save Dauntless," Rae says, pushing herself off the table where she was leaning. She gives me a cold eye, and Christian doesn't look at me. They both know what I'm thinking. There's no way I'm letting anyone else take that risk. Chris always knew that. It's why he was so hesitant. He may have just sent me to my death.

"How would we even get everyone in one place?" Christina asks wide-eyed, enthused by our first fresh idea in seventeen years.

"Tomorrow's initiation day," Rae says. "After the banquet nobody really goes home. Almost the entire faction will be in the Pit, probably until morning. We'd have to get to them before 2:00 a.m. though. After that nobody will be sober enough to hear or care about a word we're saying."

It's the perfect opportunity. Now I just need to convince them that it's not.

"That's too dangerous," I say firmly, shaking my head. "Most of the Dauntless leaders will be there. If no one backs us up, a treason charge is certain. And I have a feeling that Justin will be all too happy to execute us all."

"But there's a chance this could work, right?" Alex asks sternly. He'll want to do this. I won't let him.

"Maybe," I say. "But even if they do believe us, it doesn't mean they'd be ready to consider giving up their faction. Remember not everybody's like us, Alex."

"I know," he says. "Half of the people in this room aren't. But they're on our side aren't they?" And he uses that stubborn tone that he inherited from his mother. My jaw clenches. He won't drop this so easily.

"He might be on to something, Four," Zeke says. I wish he didn't. "It _is_ possible. I mean, I wasn't open to the idea at all until you shed some light on it for me. And I'm Dauntless born and bred."

"Yeah, but that's you, Zeke. You're my concubine. You'll listen to anything I say."

Chris giggles slightly at my comment.

"Well I guess my wife and the nine faction leaders who couldn't imagine a world without the system were in bed with you too, because they all bought your story," Zeke says.

"That was ten people, Zeke," I rebut. "And the evidence was right in front of us. All we have now is our word. Do you know how many people make up this faction? We'll be lucky if one quarter of them believe us."

I stop to wonder just how did Max manage to convince half of Dauntless all those years ago that using mind control to have them kill off the Abnegation was justified. If they can believe something so despicably absurd, maybe they can believe me too.

"It's the faction that tips the scales," Tori says. "If we do this and we win over Dauntless, this city's ours without the bloodshed, Four."

 _I know._

"We have to give them a chance if there is one, Dad," Alex says.

 _I know!_

"Ok," I say, frustrated, realizing that there's only one way to proceed from here. "But I'm the one who does this. And I'm doing it alone."

"No, you're not," Alex hisses. "Let _me_ do it."

"I can't do that," I say. I give him a look; a look that says, _This is not up for debate_.

He recedes. "Then at least let us stand with you," he says imploringly.

"He's right, Dad," Annabelle cuts in, worry etched on her face. "We can't let you do this alone."

"No," I say firmly. "We'll be open targets. If they don't like what I'm saying they could kill us all right then and there. If I go alone and I fail then that at least gives you a chance to get out of Dauntless and head the attack from the factionless safe house. And it doesn't matter how many of us are up there. I've been a faction leader for seventeen years. If they don't believe me then it won't matter who is standing with me." I add quickly before Zeke can interject or volunteer, "I do this alone or we don't do this at all."

"We're not letting you do this alone," Alex snaps tersely, crossing his arms and leaning his back into his chair.

"Ok. Then nobody does it." I glance around the room to see if anyone will verbally object, and though I can plainly see their qualms in their eyes, no one does. "So we're back to plan B," I say. "We'll just have to try and minimize casualties. We shoot to disarm, not kill."

"Tell that to the factionless," I hear Christina mutter.

"You can't be serious!" Alex practically throws himself out of his chair and blood rushes to his face. I need him to drop this, but just like Chris, he is Tris' son too and he won't. "There's a chance we could save them!" he says emphatically.

"Well I won't let you die trying and neither of you will let me," I almost shout. "So we're at a stalemate." Behind the echo of my voice, the room is eerily quiet, filled with loud yet silent thoughts. If my friends think me a selfish hypocrite they would be right.

Do I believe that the Dauntless deserve a fighting chance before we decide to pick them off one by one as they oppose us? Yes.

Do I believe that risking one life to save many is worth that risk? Yes.

Would I let that one life be my son's? On no account, for no reason, and under no circumstances under the sun. No.

"There has to be another way." My son searches my eyes pleadingly, begging me to understand. I do.

"There isn't, Alex," Uriah says, placing a gentle hand on his back. "We've been bursting our heads about this since the day you were born... literally."

It's not enough to comfort him. I know that. As much as Alex and I are alike, there are so many things that he got from Tris. One of those things being his heightened sense of responsibility. And right now he thinks that _this_ is _his_ responsibility. It might be, but _he_ is _mine._ And if I don't do this, he will bear this burden for the rest of his life.

"You want to save them, I'll try," I say softly. "But I'm the only one who does. The choice is yours son."

And just like that I've won. I've given him an impossible choice; his father or his faction. He takes the bait, sitting back defeatedly.

"What about our friends?" Anna asks despondently as she contemplates losing her friends and her technically not boyfriend.

"We can't trust anyone," Christina answers, and I'm grateful. I already look too much like the bad guy as it is. "We just have to hope that we can bring them around afterwards."

Annabelle's face becomes heavy, but she nods.

"So when and who do we attack first?" Rae asks casually, breaking the silence.

"There's a council meeting in three days at Erudite headquarters," I say. "It's the perfect opportunity. Everybody we'd need to detain or have a chat with will all be under one roof. Once we've hijacked the council the Dauntless will be on high alert so we'd have to infiltrate the other factions and we'd have to do it quickly. We can go to the factionless tomorrow night and then we have one day to iron out the details with the factionless soldiers. Although I doubt we'll need so much time."

The pieces of the plan come together. And soon they are all shored up, like we have just built a secure structure. Zeke chuckles deeply and says, "Your mother's had eighteen years to prepare for this. She'd better be ready."

"Trust me," I say gravely. "She's had a lot more than that." She's had all of twenty-seven.

* * *

When I get back to the house, my fingers press hard into my temples and I rub deep circles there. Alex left the meeting without speaking to me, Annabelle looked as down as she ever looks, Rae kept giving me scrutinizing glances and here Christian is sitting much closer to me in the couch than he usually does.

"What are you thinking?" I ask him. Although I already know.

"I'm in conflict," he says as he leans his head on my chest and wraps an arm around my waist. "I think it's worth a shot. It's the right thing to do. But I don't want you to die," he says frankly.

"I don't want to die either," I say to him. "I want to do the right thing, but I want to stay right here with you and your brother and your sisters and your mom. I wish I could do both."

"I wish that too," he says.

"What do the odds say?" I ask him, curious. Rae had said 50/50, but I have a feeling we're not nearly so lucky.

"The odds say that you won't be able to," Chris says. "When factoring in the small number of the Dauntless Divergent population who are old enough to remember the attack, the most probable fraction of that already small population that will be present in the Pit, the fraction of _that_ fraction that would be willing to verify your story, and the almost certainty of every other Dauntless present there continuing in the pattern of Dauntless behaviour, the odds are laughing vehemently at our wishes."

"Why do we waste our time wishing then?" I say under my breath, overlooking the fact that Chris' head is pressed against my chest, close enough for him to hear even my every breath.

"Because sometimes it's not about the odds," he says. "Sometimes you just need to have a little faith in people, Dad."

"You know I don't trust people very much, kid."

He nods.

I rub his little blond head and my eyes flick to the door when I hear keys jingling impatiently outside. No doubt Christina has already shared with her the events of the meeting and Tris has already figured out what I'm planning to do.

"Go to bed, Chris," I say to my son, and I press a kiss to his hair. I don't want him to see this.

"Goodnight, Dad."

Christian runs off to his room and when she finally gets the door open, she slams it behind her and an angry Tris storms to where I'm seated and snarls, "Don't you even think about it, Tobias." Her voice shakes, and I don't make the mistake of thinking it's from tears. It's from anger.

"Tris..."

"No!" she yells down at me. "You are _not_ doing this. It might as well be a suicide mission. Whose crazy idea was that anyway?!"

Funny. If she was there she probably would have suggested it too. Or not. And then just do it without telling anyone.

"Chris suggested it…" But I shouldn't blame the kid. "Reluctantly," I add.

"I can't imagine why," Tris scowls sarcastically. "I'm sure he _loved_ having to suggest a plan that could potentially send his own father to his execution."

The words sting. The thought of Chris feeling guilty for what I do is just as painful as the thought of letting Alex hurt for what I don't do. It's like choosing which one of my sons to spare. I stand to my feet and softly say, "I don't want him to have to live with that any more than you do."

"He doesn't have to, Tobias!," Tris says, stepping so close to me that I can practically feel her skin against mine, feel her air around me. It makes me want to hold her even though she's yelling at me. "You're the only one nominating you to do this!" she cries out.

I don't fight the urge to touch her. I place both of my arms on her hips and I say, "I'm the best person for it. I'm the only one they'll listen to."

"Of course you are," she says sarcastically, rolling her eyes at me. I smile a little. Even when she's angry she's breath-taking.

"It's the only way to spare the Dauntless, Tris."

"The Dauntless?" She asks incredulously and taking a step back, away from my embrace. The sudden loss of contact burns my hands with emptiness. Even a sliver of distance between us is infuriating. "That's who you're worried about sparing?" Her voice is thick with emotion and it breaks. This time the tears do come.

"Tris...," I plead, reaching for her but she pulls away.

"Don't Tris me!" she whimpers loudly. "What about _me_? What about your children? Who's sparing _them_?"

In one stride I close the gap between us. Pulling her tightly yet gently into my arms. Seeing Tris cry always breaks even the hardest parts of me. "I'm doing this for them," I whisper into her hair. "I'm doing this for _you_."

I cannot let my family live with the blood of an entire faction on their hands knowing that it may have been in their power to avoid it. Tris understands that. She must. Because then she says, "Then let me come with you."

"You can't," I say. "Chris still needs you."

"He needs you too." She looks up at me and as I wipe away the dampness from her cheeks she says, " _I_ need you, Tobias."

"It'll be ok," I say and when I pull her closer I can feel her shaking her head against my chest.

"I can't do this again, Tobias. I can't just let you run into harm's way while I sit and wait and hope and pray that you'll be ok. I can't. I won't." She releases me, and with tear stained eyes she looks into mine and says, "You think I'm strong enough to be without you but I'm not. You're supposed to be there with me at our children's weddings. We're supposed to be grandparents and grow old together. This is not when you die. And this is not how you die."

I reach out to touch her but she pulls away again and runs into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. I want to run and grab her but I wouldn't know what to say to her. I'd never let her do what I'm about to do. I'd kill all of Dauntless myself before I ever let her risk her life for them again. They already owe her their lives, whether they remember it or not.

But Tris has always been a better person than I am. And I know that deep down she knows that this is the right thing to do. She knew it all those years ago when she let me go on that mission, staying behind only to protect our unborn children, and she knows it now, and she'll protect them again.

I open the door slowly and as the light pierces through it I see her curled up on the bed. I close it behind me, leaving us in complete darkness. I make my way over to the bed and slide myself beneath the covers, slipping my hand over her stomach and pulling her into me. I press my face to her hair, inhaling her sweet scent, and in that moment I'm not sure anymore. I can't leave her. I don't want to. I want to feel her small body pressed up against my chest for as long as I possibly can. I want to feel her lips against mine until I'm old and grey. In that moment I don't know what's right or wrong or selfish or selfless or brave or diffident. All I know is that I love Tris and our children and I don't want to leave them anymore than they'd want me to.

She turns around to face me. My eyes have adjusted to the blackness and I see the pain streaming from her eyes. I think she'll be ok, but her eyes tell me that she won't. Would it be just as selfish to leave her as it would be not to?

"You're not doing this, Tobias," she whimpers. "If I have to tie you down to this bed I will. But you are _not_ doing this."

I trace my fingers gently across her cheek, wondering how I ever thought that I had the strength to leave her.

"Ok," I say.

"Ok?" she whimpers.

"Ok."

I seal it with a kiss.

* * *

 **A/N: Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)**


	40. Chapter 40

**A/N: I do not own Divergent!**

* * *

 **40\. Sacrifice**

 **TOBIAS**

We decide to leave Dauntless late evening, and after everyone has walked out I stand in the doorway, taking one last glance at our home before closing the door. But I find that I don't want that last glance that I only just now thought I did, because it takes me apart, piece by piece. If all goes well, we could always come back to it. If not, we could lose everything.

I pull the door shut, but my nostalgia only follows me. Every step through the dark Dauntless halls feels heavy, like there are rocks tied to my feet. The rushing water of the chasm screams a loud, violent song and it curses me for turning my back on it. I deserve it.

Somehow I find the will to keep moving and I make it through the exit, walking out under the evening sun. Rae glances at the Dauntless compound behind us, but I don't look at it, lest I somehow find myself drawn back inside of it. Instead I watch the sun as it disappears behind the surrounding buildings, inching toward the horizon. It's bright and it drains the colour from the tall structures, so that they all appear to be like grey shadows.

Slow and quiet, we all walk off together, the way the Abnegation do at funerals. Tris walks up ahead with Christina and Heather. Annabelle walks with Chris and Uriah. Alex and Abigail had left earlier so that she could meet my mother and the others should be meeting us at the factionless later tonight, although we probably won't be seeing Daniel until tomorrow. He wanted to have a proper initiation day celebration. His last taste of home, I suppose. Since God only knows if Dauntless will still exist two days from now.

Rae walks at the back of the pack and I'm wondering if she's planning to slip away when no one's looking. I slow my stride and walk beside her just in case. She doesn't acknowledge me at first. Her eyes are focused on the ground with each slow step that she takes, as though she has to concentrate in order to put one foot in front of the other.

"This feels wrong," she says to me. Her face is grim as she speaks.

"It is," I say. Walking away from my faction puts a sour taste in my mouth too.

"I want to save him, Four," she says eventually. "Not Dauntless. Just him." And I know exactly who she means.

"I know you do," I say, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. It's the first time in a long while Rae let herself admit her feelings for Jake. I guess the fear of losing someone for good can help put things into perspective.

"You're coming back… aren't you?" she asks me quietly, but the street is empty and the others are too far ahead of us to hear anyway.

"I haven't decided yet," I say. I promised Tris that I wouldn't, and there's a large part of me that understands being unwilling to let the person you love risk their lives for anyone or anything, but more and more that promise is starting to feel like one I shouldn't keep. Though Tris would never let me break it if she knew.

If I do turn around, it will have to be after midnight, after everyone's asleep. If I do turn around.

"And if I do go, you're not coming with me," I add, patently suggesting that she expel the thought from her mind.

She chuckles. "It's not the same, huh? Now that you have an entire family to think about before you run off to save the world," Rae rightly states.

"Whatever I decide, it will be for all of you." I smile down at her and she smiles back kindly.

"I guess it's about that time then," she says.

"What time?"

"When life decides that we've been happy for too long."

Rae has a philosophy that life is an infinite cycle of ups and downs, and that after every sunrise there's a sunset, and after every sunset there's a sunrise. It's why she has a burning sun tattooed on the inside of her right wrist and a quarter moon on the inside of her left. She says it's to get her through the hard times by reminding her that all she has to do is hold on until the sunrise.

She may be right. I've passed the last seventeen years in utter bliss with my wife and children. That's seventeen years longer than I've ever been happy. Can anyone ever really be that happy for that long without consequences? It almost feels selfish. I can only hope that the sunset that follows isn't too much for any of us to bear.

Rae and I continue to walk behind the pack at our own unhurried pace, and it is already dark when we arrive at the factionless sector. I head straight for my mother's office upon entering the safe house. We won't be staying here the night so I'd rather we talk quickly so that my family and I could be on our way.

I had anticipated the long overdue grin of victory that I knew would find her face after I've told her that she's finally got her war, but to my pleasant surprise she is already grinning when I walk in, fully enchanted by Abigail. She really is lovely. Alex is lucky.

My eyes search for him but he's not there with her when I enter. My face falls. He's been avoiding me since yesterday. I need to make things right with him tonight, just in case…

"That boy is just like you, you know," my mother says to me with a smile after Abigail leaves. "He knows a good one when he sees her."

I stand there with my eyes open wide for a while in utter shock. As the years went on, my mother became less and less hostile toward my wife, but I never thought I'd live to see the day when she would say something nice about her.

"Well are you just gonna stand there?" she says after a while. "Sit."

I make myself comfortable in a chair just behind her work table and when I do she says, "I suppose you're here to tell me that after all these years you're ready to disband the faction system because it stands in the way of my grandson and the woman of his dreams."

I chuckle. "Something like that. Yeah."

She gives me a knowing smile and asks that I tell her everything, so from the very beginning I do. Then I continue on, telling her about the events of our meeting yesterday. She nods slowly at the details but there's one thing in particular that catches her attention.

"Still trying to save the Dauntless I see," she says, folding her arms.

"Their lives are just as important as everybody else's in this city. Especially the half that _weren't_ traitors." Or what's left of them anyway.

"Sometimes drastic change requires drastic measures, even if it means that some need to be sacrificed for the greater good. It's a terribly despotic thing to say, but sometimes people just don't know what's good for them."

"Yeah? I'm pretty sure that's exactly what Jeanine said before she killed half the Abnegation. And I'm sure I heard Marcus say that to me a couple times too." Before he slapped me silly.

And though I never completed the thought, I regret the words almost instantly. I never meant to compare her to Marcus. He was just as much a monster to her as he was to me. He is her demon too. But I don't say anything, certain that an explanation or an apology would only take us deeper into awkward and unpleasant territory.

My mother ponders on my words for a while. She doesn't look surprised, or even grave. In fact, I have no idea how to read her expression. She's quiet for a few seconds, and then she says, "You're in charge of my men," steering the conversation back to a more comfortable place.

"You're not coming?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

She chuckles softly and says, "I'm an old woman, Tobias." She smiles and the deep wrinkles that form at the corners of her eyes validate her point. "I have no business leading men to war."

My mother is undeniably strong for a fifty-six year old woman and I'm sure she can still hold a gun; two of her many arguments as to why she is still perfectly able to hold her position as leader of the factionless. She had told me once that Peter would be her successor, but at this rate he'll be dead by the time she steps down. She is stronger than _he_ is. But I'm glad she recognizes _some_ limitation and that she will be safe inside this office instead of wreaking havoc outside of it. I was almost certain that I would have had to lock her up somewhere.

Finishing up our conversation, I expound on the more important details, making sure that my mother is properly informed for the joint meeting with the factionless tomorrow. After I say my goodbyes and I walk out of the room, I find Alex leaning his back against the wall beside the door. I'm not sure how much of that conversation he overheard or why he's standing out here any at all, but when he smiles at me a little I decide I don't care. It's much more than I've gotten in the last twenty-four hours.

"Hey," I say to him, smiling faintly. "You ready to go?"

"Yeah," he nods. "Can I just say goodbye to grandma?"

"Sure," I say, and I watch him walk inside. I wonder if he knows how much I love him, how much I love all of them. I wonder if he knows that they are all that's good in me; that of all the things I've ever done, nothing makes me feel as proud as they do.

I shouldn't have to wonder.

I think of things to say, small things, and then I recite them over and over in my head. But when we leave the factionless and we're walking together to what may be our new home, all I can seem to say to them is, "I love you guys. All of you." And it feels like enough.

Annabelle takes my hand for the rest of the journey. "We love you too, Dad," she says to me with a smile.

I take them to an old two storey house; the house I would have lived in when I was planning to leave Dauntless and live factionless, before I met Tris. The wallpaper is old and yellowed, peeling from the corners of the walls, and the wooden floors creak as we step. The ceiling is high, and the windows are few and small. It's one of the reasons I chose this house. They are covered with dark curtains that I had put there to block out light from escaping. Still, we keep the lights off in the rooms with windows.

When everyone gets settled in, Tris and I try to make ourselves comfortable in our own bedroom, only it's _not_ our bedroom. Our bedroom is bigger and the walls are white. These walls are a dark, rusty shade of cream. This bed is harder and the sheets smell like detergent instead of the mixed fragrance of Tris and me, a fragrance that I have come to need to fall asleep every night.

Tris seems uneasy at first, as if something else is pulling her thoughts away. If she's afraid that I might slip away in the middle of the night, she has reason to be. I don't want to break my promise. I don't ever want to lie to my wife or keep things from her. But I know that there's no way she will let me go without her. All I ever want to do is to protect her, but most of the time she won't let me. She knows and I know that she doesn't need my protection. She's strong enough on her own.

She _is_ strong enough.

One thing I've learned about danger and about war is that any second could be your last but dying is the easy part. Survival; survival is the difficult thing. Going on, bearing the pain of those you've lost, trying to make sense of the remaining but broken pieces, _that_ is the hard part. I would never want to leave Tris with such a burden, as strong as she is. So, for both our sakes, I hope that the Dauntless hear me tonight. But just in case they don't, I want to feel the closeness of my wife just one more time.

I pull Tris in the bed with me so that we're lying face to face. It isn't easy at first. Not only because it's not the bed where we've slept and cried and made love for seventeen years, but because _that_ bed, _our_ bed, may be lost forever. Who knows what will become of the Dauntless compound after this? Who knows if they'll set our home on fire in an act of rage and loyalty to the faction system which we seek to destroy? I should be giving thoughts to other things, more important things, but all I can seem to think about is that this is not our bed. It's funny how a person can give such significance to a thing. But I lay on it, even though it feels like a betrayal to everything I've ever called home. Because Tris lies beside me and our children are safe under this roof. That is all the home I will ever need.

Softly, I press my lips to hers, holding her mouth on mine so I can feel every place where our lips touch and every place where they pull away. I savour the air we share in the second afterward and the slip of her nose across mine. She puts her hands on my chest at first, and then traces her fingers along all the places I am marked, down my back and over my sides. Her fingertips slip under the waistband of my pants and she holds me against her. She looks at me, her eyes clear and eager as I remove her blouse. I lean in close enough to taste her breaths but it's not close enough. I pull her closer, kiss her harder. She comes alive, putting her arms around me and pressing into me, her hands tearing away at the clothes between us.

Everything about it is violent and heated and passionate and it reminds me of a time long ago when I was unsure if I would ever see her again. It reminds me of that night, the night before I left to spy on the Erudite. We submerged ourselves in each other then the way we are submerged in each other now. All of me is within all of her, and all of her surrounds all of me. I forget we are two separate people. Still, it's not enough. How can it be? It may be our last.

So with our hands clutching at each other and our breathing hard and erratic, I take her over and over and again and again until I have no strength left. We crumble away together, but when we do, the intimacy only persists as our trembling bodies refuse to disentangle. Even as we slowly descend from our ecstasy, Tris' eyes become lost in mine, my thumb tenderly skimming the skin of her cheek. It is an intimacy far beyond any physical or perceptible or understandable thing.

I had held on to her, only falling asleep so that she would. And when she had finally slipped, I had put enough distance between us so that I didn't have to risk waking her when _I_ did. But surprisingly enough, when I wake up at midnight, Tris is already awake.

Maybe she was always weighing in her mind if to go or not. But the quietness and stealth with which she uncovers her body and sits at the edge of the bed, I know that she has decided to. And I think I know why.

She is going so that I won't.

"How did you know?" I say. I can feel it in the mattress the way she jumps a little at the sound of my voice.

"The way you made love to me," she says quietly. "You were saying goodbye."

I sit up on the bed and then slowly crawl my way toward her. Wrapping my arms around her I say, "If you go, I go."

"We can't risk them losing us both, Tobias," she says.

"I won't let you do this alone… and I'm not living without you. Remember?" I whisper into her neck, reminding her of the promise that we once had the nerve to make to each other, a promise that I would have broken myself if she were still asleep; the promise that we would go off together, the promise that our love would be strong enough to have control of such things.

"One day you might have to," she says.

"That day's not today," I say, as if I could ever imagine a day where she isn't there with me. "This is not how or when you die either, Tris."

It's not a difficult decision to make, risking one life to save that many. Tris and I both know what needs to be done, but neither of us is willing to let the other one do it. We'd do it together if we could, but our children…

"But are we really going to just give up on our faction without giving them a chance?" she asks me, taking my hand. I want to say yes, but I can't. Because I don't want to. Because I know that my children don't want to. Because I know that's not a father anyone could be proud of.

"What do we do, Tris?" I sit beside her and she rests her head on my shoulder.

"I don't know what to do," she cries. She grabs at her chest and she's fighting for air. I hold her steady as she weeps into my shoulder. She knows the pain of losing both parents in one day. She knows what it's like to have them die for you. I've heard about being between a rock and a hard place. No one ever tells you how it literally suffocates you. But it makes me think of the place where Tris was when her parents died, and I think about the place where she is _now_ , and as I hold her tight and feel her breaths slowly calming against me, I know what to do.

"What would they want?" I ask her quietly. I raise her chin so she's looking right into my eyes.

I was once a lonely Abnegation boy amongst a pack of Dauntless, but then Tris appeared and she was just like me, putting aside her grey clothes but never really putting them aside because she knows the secret; that they are the strongest armour we can wear. And it's that innate selflessness that will take us both to where we really need to be tonight.

"They'd want the same thing we want," she says. "They'd want to try. They'd want this to be something that they could be proud of. And I want them to be able to live the rest of their lives knowing that we all did the best that we could."

I kiss her temple as I savour the scent of her hair. Our children are worth more to us than a million factions, a million lives including our own. And right now, this is what is best for them, even if it takes them years to realize it.

"Then let's try. For them."

"Losing us both would destroy them, Tobias."

"If it came to that… Yes, it would. But they'd care for each other. That's what families do, like you and Caleb did. And they'd grow up and have a family like we did, and they'd be ok. Because they'd be proud of us and they'd be proud of this city."

Tris closes her eyes and she nods. Our fingers intertwine and she exhales deeply into my shoulder.

"I love you," she says to me.

"I love you too," I reply. I gently touch my lips to hers. "We've got to go now. We don't have much time left."

"Ok."

We scramble quickly but quietly at our clothes still tossed on the floor and I swiftly tuck my gun under the waistband of my pants. We exchange glances in the dark and I give her one last kiss, praying that it _won't_ be our last. If we're lucky, we'll be back by morning.

Slowly I pull away and I take Tris' hand in mine, but just then I hear a scream and frantic footsteps running down the stairs. I run to open the door at the same time Abigail comes running toward it and the look on her face causes my heart to race because I instantly know that something is wrong. She barely catches her breath before she shouts, "He's gone! Alex is gone!"

I become rigid, stuck in place, a sharp cold breath of air trapped inside my lungs.

"Oh no," Tris whimpers loudly behind me, shaking.

I feel a sudden weight in my chest and a fist clenches at my side as my emotions come to a boil. Crying out, I slam it hard into the door. "Damn it, Alex!" I scream.

"How long has he been gone?" Tris demands, grabbing her jacket and her gun.

"I don't know," Abigail says, frightened. "I just woke up and he wasn't there."

Franticly, Annabelle and Christian both come running down the stairs at the sudden upset. It doesn't take me more than a millisecond to realize that Alex is not the only one who's missing.

"Where's Rae?" I growl at Annabelle, though I don't mean to.

"I don't know," she says, shaking her head in panic. "I thought she was down here." Annabelle's eyes open wide in realization and with a palm over her mouth she whimpers, "Oh my God."

And there's a part of me that suddenly wonders if Rae always knew that Alex was planning to go, or if she was waiting for _me_ when _he_ caught her by surprise.

Tris yanks at my arm, pulling me from my thoughts, and says, "Tobias, we need to go _now_!"

"I'm coming with you," Abigail says shakily. "I can keep up."

It's not safe and I don't know what we'll find when we get to Dauntless, but I don't have time to argue.

"Chris." I grab my son's face. "Stay here. Do not go outside until I come back for you. Do you understand?"

With tears in his eyes he nods.

Then, without another thought, my feet scramble determinedly and everyone else's follow suit. Tearing through the front door of the old house, we sprint down the dark, empty streets in a breathless pack. Our shoes slap against the pavement and our breaths are pulsing almost in unison. My heart races twice as fast as my legs do at the thought that I am too late.

 _Why would they do this?_

I keep asking myself the same question over and over though I already know the answer. My son is as selfless as he is brave. I have always known this. And my daughter is as strong as she is stubborn. Of course they would go.

But it doesn't matter. All that matters now is that I get to them in time. I can't lose them, and that truth alone is all that fuels the muscles in my legs as they battle relentlessly against the heavy night air, thrusting me forward. When the Dauntless compound finally comes into view I run faster than I ever thought I could, desperate to get to my children.

Storming inside, our footsteps echo throughout the compound and I resist the urge to wince at the sound of our loud galloping. It's more important to be quick than silent at this point, after all. As we race toward the chasm I hear the familiar roar of fast-moving water, crashing against the rocks. But louder still is a sound that sucks every bit of air out of my lungs. Louder still is the sound of three gunshots echoing through the Pit, suffocating me.

Tris screams out and I clench my hands so hard into fists that my fingernails cut into my skin and it burns. My legs stop moving and move faster at the same time.

 _They killed them_ , I think to myself, and I feel everything weaken and die inside of me. Everything.

 _They killed my children_


	41. Chapter 41

**41\. Honour**

 **ALEX**

I've never done anything honourable with my life, never done anything that has left a positive mark on anything or anyone. I've had everything handed to me and I've given nothing back. But maybe tonight is my chance to finally change all that. Maybe this is that moment that Dani was talking about; that when it came I'd know it.

Rae is uneasy, more so than usual. Annabelle is worried about Dominic and her friends. She couldn't warn them. And Abigail is tossing and turning in the bed beside me as the reality of war haunts her. It haunts us all. Because as much as this war is bigger than all of us, if we don't fight it with every bit of honour that we have, we will all be responsible for every life that is lost at the end of it. And if we choose to turn our backs on the Dauntless, we may never forgive ourselves if things play out the way I know they will because of that decision.

I want to be free. I want to be with Abigail more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. But this is not how I want it. This is not the pillar on which I wish to build our love, our new city. Not on the blood of my faction.

I had to find it within me to convince myself that the sacrifice of my faction for the greater good was unavoidable, and I did. But now that I know for certain that it's not, there's no way I can choose to let that happen. And neither can my father. He was right to tell my grandmother that if we did, we'd be no different than Jeanine Matthews was.

It's how I know he's planning to go back to Dauntless tonight. He's gonna give them a chance, because my father, against all the odds, became an honourable man and he _is_ the most honourable man I've ever known, a man capable of great things. It's one of the things I've come to admire most about him. And for that reason, I can't let him go in my place.

I have no excuses, no reasons why I shouldn't or can't be a better man than I am. So tonight I choose to be better. I choose to be more. I am selfless enough to sacrifice myself but only because I am honest enough to admit that it is the right thing to do. I am smart enough to know that my act of kindness may end in my demise, but I am brave enough to do it anyway.

"I love you," I whisper before softly kissing Abby's forehead. It's the first time I've said it. I've been afraid to proclaim that my heart and my life were no longer my own and that everything I would ever do would only be for her contentment, but I can't die without having confessed it.

I bite into my lip and I force the water back into my eyes. It hurts to leave her, and I know that she'll be torn apart when she wakes up and finds me gone. I don't know if she'll ever forgive me for leaving, even if I _do_ come back, but one day she'll understand why I did and that's enough for me. And if I don't come back that's ok too, because my mother was right, as she usually is. Dying tonight so that my father could go on and so that Abby and my family could still find peace at the end of this war would be a privilege. It _does_ feel like a gift of sorts, knowing that I could do that for them. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Carefully, I climb out of the bed. I make my way quietly down the stairs and through the dark, empty living room, and I close the front door behind me. The first step away from the old house is the hardest to take. My heart is racing, but not from fear. Not because every step I take will lead me closer and closer to the place where I might die, but because for the first time in my life I feel like I'm doing something worth doing. It almost makes me smile.

"Don't be stupid, baby brother," I hear a terse voice say from the shadows. It stops me dead in my tracks. She didn't follow me. She was already out here.

"You can't stop me, Rae," I say levelly.

She replies just as calmly, "Actually I can, and I _will_ if you don't give me a good enough reason why I shouldn't drag your ass back upstairs right this minute."

I consider this. What's a good enough reason to let your little brother walk off to his doom? I can't think of any, so I just tell her the truth.

"I just think that I should be the one that takes responsibility for my actions… that's all," I say. I swallow hard, hoping that it's a good enough answer. And it is.

"Ok," she says evenly, stepping out into the moonlight. Her long, dark hair hangs loose and it covers the right half of her face. "But I'm coming with you," she adds. And it's not a suggestion. There are certain things Rae bargains with me. This isn't one of those things.

"How'd you know I'd go?" I ask quietly as we take our first steps into the dark, deserted street.

"I didn't," Rae replies. "I was just waiting for whichever one of you Abnegation came out first. Although I was pretty sure that it was gonna be Four."

"I think he's planning to, so we've got to hurry," I say, picking up the pace. "We need to find Dani. He'll be at the Pit."

"Race you there," she grins puckishly, knowing I don't stand a chance. Rae is the fastest person I know.

"Sure," I say with a warped smile. "Let's run off to our doom."

But I guess one last good run can't hurt. And we take off.

We arrive at the compound just before midnight and just like I had hoped, the sound of celebrating Dauntless still echoes through the Pit. The music is deafeningly loud and the air is thicker than usual, filled with sweat and smoke and alcohol. The majority don't know or care about any of the initiates _or_ their rankings, but the Dauntless will jump at any opportunity of celebration and drunkenness.

Pushing past, around, and between a multitude of all black, I search the crowd until I find Daniel and I practically beg him to not intervene when Rae and I crash the party. I'd rather he stay uninvolved and keep his name clear if things go sour. He only partially agrees. I settle.

When I relocate my sister, she's chasing everyone off the platform. That doesn't prove to be a very difficult task for her. When Rae says move, people don't tend to ask why. I'm suddenly glad that she's here. Unlike her own, my demeanour has never been one to command respect or demand attention. I'm not sure how I would have ever been able to do this alone. Good intentions can only get you so far.

The platform is only two feet above the floor of the Pit but it's just high enough for everyone to be able to see us, even from the far off corners. And from up there looking down I feel like live bait, hung on display, just within reach of a hundred predators and within line of sight of a hundred more.

"How do we do this, Rae?" I ask nervously as I stand myself beside her in the middle of the platform. My 'figure that part out later' plan doesn't seem like a good strategy in this situation. Even if I could get past the burning tightness in my throat, I wouldn't know what to say or where to begin.

"There's no right way," she says. "But don't worry. I brought my lucky gun."

"I really hope that damn thing works," I mumble gravely.

Just then, Rae pulls her gun out of the holster attached to the back of her black jeans and fires a single shot into the amplification system. If the sound of the gunshot wasn't enough to get everyone's attention, the sudden death of the music is.

Angry and confused heads begin to turn, but before anyone can open their mouths to object, Rae yells, "My brother has something he wants to say! I suggest you all listen!"

I swallow hard. I think that's my cue. But where do I begin? I don't know, so I decide to go back to the basics. I've never taken any speech courses but I vaguely remember learning how to write a letter in school. There's a greeting, an introduction, a body and a closing. I decide to skip the greeting.

"My name is Alexander Eaton," I begin strongly. It may not have been a good idea to implicate my father's name in all of this, but I decide it doesn't matter since pretty soon Dauntless will no longer exist. Besides, that name tends to make people listen.

"There's no easy-" or not crazy sounding "-way to say this, so I'll just say it."

I take a breath. And stepping out into the perilous deep, I begin.

"The storm that passed seventeen years ago, the one that brutally destroyed the Abnegation sector of the city, did not actually happen. It was a lie fabricated by Jeanine Matthews. She was the leader of Erudite at the time, and she did it to cover up the fact that she had orchestrated the attack and murder of hundreds of Abnegation and that she had used the Dauntless to do it. She had done so with the cooperation of many of our leaders."

I ignore the twisted eyebrows and I continue.

"Those of you who were a part of that attack don't remember killing the Abnegation because they had you under some sort of mind control," I say, trying my best to accurately remember the story my father told me. "They had put every able Dauntless in a simulation state, so you didn't know what you were doing. After waking up from the simulation, Dauntless was split in half. Some of you chose to follow Jeanine but some of you didn't. With those of you who did, she took full control of the city, but then almost a year later, in order to eliminate the possibility of further rebellion, she decided that it was necessary to wipe everybody's memories so that she could live in a world full of followers who didn't remember that she had done all the horrible things that she did. So that storm that you're remembering… was actually a war."

And the words sound twice as ludicrous as I thought they would when leaving my mouth. So I'm not surprised when half of the crowd stands silent with their mouths or eyes wide open… and the other half is laughing at me. My eyes scan the multitude of Dauntless. If there are any Divergent among them with recollection of the stated events, they hide it well.

In a desperate attempt to regain their attention I yell, "The Erudite thought themselves above us." As I expected, everyone quiets. There is no pride like Dauntless pride. "They did then and they do now, because that's what happens when you seek knowledge above all else; arrogance, the belief that that erudition somehow makes you superior. So much so that they thought it was ok to enslave your minds, use you to commit mass murder, and then implant fake memories in your head. They stole your lives, but we can steal it back. And we can make it so that the only ones ever able to be in control of us is us."

I speak quickly, knowing full well that it won't be long before someone puts a gun to my head and tells me to shut up, or worse. And then I just stand there, holding my breath, anticipating a response. Fiddling with the gun in her hand, Rae does the same.

A few are quiet. Most are murmuring amongst themselves… until they start to curse raucously at me. I don't blame them. If anybody but my father had told me this story, I would have cursed at them too, vehemently.

The Pit becomes so loud that I can hardly hear my own thoughts, much less make out the words they are screaming at me. I sigh exasperatedly, thinking to myself that now would be a great time for even just one of the Divergent to come forward. No one does, but one man does decide to humour me. He's about my father's age, and tall with dark skin. He is an influential man I presume, because when he holds up his right hand in the air, the screaming dwindles to a hushed whisper. I release my breath, grateful for even the slightest sign of reception.

"You were barely even born when the storm passed," he says. "Even if this preposterous story is true, how could you possibly know this?"

What kind of Dauntless uses the word preposterous?

Before I can answer, Rae does; her voice thick. "I was eight years old when it happened and I remember it like it was yesterday. And I don't suggest you call me a liar."

"Ok. So let's say I believe you then," he says, smiling a little. "What reason did the Erudite have for killing off the Abnegation? And what good would it do to confront them _now_?" He raises an eyebrow and says, "Jeanine Matthews, former leader of Erudite, is dead. According to faction history and my _fake_ memories," he scowls, "she died in the storm that you're claiming never happened. Last time I checked, you can't prosecute a ghost."

"Jeanine was never the enemy," I say. "Her perspective was, and we have our faction system to thank for _that_. She was born and bred Erudite. She was conditioned to be a certain way the same way we all are, and being a slave to that conditioning is what ultimately led her to do all that she did. No one says so but the factions are severely flawed. All this system does is create, highlight and then solidify the gap between us all."

I sigh as the sound of the synchronized gasping of a hundred Dauntless echoes in my ears. There's no going back now. I am officially a faction traitor.

"And that's also the answer to your first question," I continue, nervous but strong. I seemed to have stolen every bit of this man's attention. "Before the interfactionary council, Abnegation was the sole governing faction and they were protecting the Divergent, the people among us who can belong to more than one faction. Jeanine's unquestioned loyalty to the faction system pressed her to get rid of them because belonging to more than one faction meant that their behaviour could not be predicted. Apart from that, they are also aware during simulations, which means that they can fight them. They can't be controlled by will or by force. They were all that stood between Jeanine and autocracy."

"That's impossible," the man suddenly jeers. "A person cannot belong to more than one faction."

"No, it's not." I clear my throat. "It's not impossible... and I know this because I am one. I'm Divergent."

The man's dark eyes open wide. My breathing holds steady, but my heart begins to race. I've just admitted to my entire faction the secret that my father told me to never tell a soul. If this doesn't work, there is absolutely no way I am getting out of this alive.

"So am I!" I hear a voice yell from the middle of the crowd, and I want to strangle him.

"No, he's not," Rae blurts out beside me, her face twisted in a skeptical knot.

 _What is he doing?_ I think, and pushing his way through the crowd, Daniel joins us on the platform and winks at me like if he didn't just commit suicide.

"You're all crazy!" one woman in the back yells. "Get off the platform!"

"If you hate the factions go live with the factionless!"

"Faction traitors!" yells another man in the back. And just when I think the crowd is going to maul us, I see a dark haired, pierced face man viciously force his way up front. His presence here only means that we are _definitely_ not getting out of this alive.

"What is the meaning of this?" Justin shouts bitterly. "Is this a sick joke?"

"No," I say firmly and just as loudly.

"Wrong answer," he says with a frighteningly contorted scowl. "You just stood in front of your faction and insulted our faction system and accused a deceased faction leader of genocide, and that's just the part that I heard. What in the hell is actually wrong with you?" And he pauses as if he truly expects me to answer.

He relaxes his face. "You do know that what you're doing is treason against your faction and against this city?" His voice drastically shifted to a deadly calm and the Dauntless cheer like madmen behind him. But it doesn't suit him, playing the part of the just leader. Everybody knows what kind of person he is; heartless and brutish.

"Hey, calm down, Justin," Dominic shouts over the roaring Dauntless. He seems to have come out of nowhere, walking through the crowd with outstretched palms. I would have preferred if he had stayed out of this. Annabelle will never forgive me if something happens to him. Or maybe she will, since I'll be dead.

"My friends here probably had a lot to drink… and now they're talking crazy." Dominic looks at me with pleading eyes as he steps up on the platform, begging me to play the drunkard. It's crazy enough that it just might work. But I didn't come this far just so that I could back down now. I came here to try and save the Dauntless, so that's what I'll do.

"I'm not drunk, Dom," I say levelly.

"Are you serious?" he asks softly. "Is this for real?"

I nod.

"Dominic, I suggest you get down from there," Justin says so threateningly that I hardly think it's a suggestion. "I think I'm gonna make an example out of these three. Dauntless has no room for traitors."

"Well then you're just gonna have to arrest me too," Dominic replies without hesitation, standing firm. Well, at least if we survive this, he can marry my sister tomorrow if he wants to. I'll marry them myself.

"Who said anything about arresting?" Justin reaches to retrieve his gun from behind his back and not so gently he confiscates Rae's. I'm surprised she even let him have it. "By factional law treason is punishable by death. By Dauntless law, executions must be carried out by a leader. Is there a Dauntless leader anywhere around here?" He asks the crowd of Dauntless with a stupid grin. "Oh... yeah. Me," he says as he turns around, looking up at me smugly. I know for certain that he is enjoying this.

"He's Four's boy," the tall, dark man says without invitation. "And the girl is his too. And the other one is Zeke's kid. Are you sure you want to execute the children of Dauntless' most senior leaders and representatives of the council? That's a bit bold," he says, and his deep voice rumbles when he says the word bold. "Even for _you_."

Everyone in the Pit quiets. It's not every day that someone challenges Justin. For whatever reason, this man seems to have taken a liking to me.

"Why shouldn't I?" Justin turns around and asks him, his face turning red. "Are the members of the council and their children above the law? Should they be allowed to blatantly and shamelessly undermine the factions and condemn factional law without having to answer for it?" he shouts, his gun in the air. The man doesn't answer. "I didn't think so," Justin snarls. "And I'll deal with _you_ later. Don't think you can get away with indulging them."

The man grimaces, but he says nothing.

With his face warped into a wicked scowl, Justin then loads three bullets into the empty chambers of his gun. One for each of us. I'm actually kinda surprised he doesn't keep it loaded.

"You two are first," he says, half-smiling. He aims the gun at me, and then to my right, at Rae. "I don't like your dad very much." And I suspect that it's because he knows he could never measure up to my father. His ultimate best is still rubbish even in the presence of my father at his worst.

"Yeah? Well he hates you too," Rae says, folding her arms. "And I hope you cry like a little bitch when he rips your guts out."

"That's enough!" Dominic shouts as he positions himself in front of Rae and me. "Think about what you're doing, Justin."

"Dominic," Justin growls. "Move." With an outstretched arm, he aims the gun at his head.

Reaching in front of me, I put my hand on his shoulder. "Get down, Dom," I say.

"I won't just stand here and watch him put a bullet to your head," he says.

"Well then stand there and I'll put a bullet in yours too!" Justin yells at Dominic.

"You can't do that," Dominic replies confidently. "You need the council's permission to execute me. I've completed my leadership training. I'm a Dauntless leader now."

"Barely," Justin laughs. "And I have seniority over you. I basically trained you. I can do whatever the hell I want to you."

He can't. But that won't stop him from doing it anyway. My father always says that Justin knows no restraint. He will kill Dominic if he has to. But in this moment, Justin's callousness is not the only thing that sickens me. How is it that among the faction of the brave, hundreds will stand to watch in silence as one man kills another simply because he wants to? And how is it that three people are about to be executed and not a single Divergent has stepped forward, knowing that they have the power to save us? Whatever happened to the courage that drives one person to stand up for another?

I suddenly feel disgusted, questioning why I ever came back to try and save a faction that refuses to try and save me, even though I always knew that that was a possibility. But I exhale and smile a little at the sight of Dominic's dark hair in my face. He and Dani didn't have to stand up for me tonight, but they did anyway. _They_ are brave. _They_ are Dauntless. Now I need to make sure that they survive.

"Dom," I say quietly to his back. "Please get down." But he doesn't budge. Desperate and sincere I say, "I need you to take care of Annabelle."

And he stops breathing. He turns to face me and I can see the battle in his eyes. He really is a loyal friend. "I don't want you to die for me. I want you to live for her," I say. And smiling a little I add, "You can tell her I put a gun to your head or knocked you unconscious."

He doesn't smile back. He swallows hard. "I'll make him pay for this, Alex," he says shakily. "I swear to God." And then he moves. He doesn't step down from the platform, but he steps off to the side, his breathing heavy.

"Smart choice," Justin mocks him. He turns to address the silenced crowd but he keeps the gun pointed at me. I could easily snatch it away from him while his head is turned, but I'd risk it going off and getting someone else shot and killed.

As he begins to speak Rae steps in front of me, her eyes ushering me back. Again, this is not negotiable. This is not about the order in which we die. If he shoots her first, I'll be able to steal the gun away from him when it's pointed away from the crowd and when he least expects it. What is it about my family that they refuse to let me die for myself?

"As for the new members of Dauntless," Justin carries on, returning his eyes to us. "Let this be the first lesson you learn; Faction loyalty. _Dauntless_ loyalty. Because this is what we do to traitors."

I can look into his cold, dark eyes from above Rae's head. He doesn't seem to care that she is now standing in front of me. He's not smart enough to figure out why she is. She won't be there for long though. This is not a gift I am willing to give her.

I brace myself. If I drop her from behind at just the right moment he'll shoot _me_ instead. She'd be able to grab the gun and she, Dani and Dom would have a decent chance at fighting their way out of here. They will survive. I won't. And I will die by the hands of the very ones I tried to save. But I will go in peace, because I tried.

What will I see when it's all over? Am I a good enough person to be worthy of seeing anything at all? I pray that I am.

Will my grandparents be waiting for me with open arms like they always are in my fear landscape? I pray that they are.

Will Abby be ok after I'm gone? Is our love strong enough to help us find our way back to each other even when we are no more? I pray that it is.

"Be brave," Justin says to Rae.

Then I hear a bullet click into place…


	42. Chapter 42

… but it's not Justin's, and a very strong and familiar voice says, "I think you might want to take that gun up out of her face, Justin."

The young Dauntless leader freezes as he realizes that there is a cold gun barrel pressed to the back of his head. He lowers his weapon slowly, and I feel the unmistakable warmth of sweet relief swell inside me as it inches farther and farther south, away from my sister's head. But I keep my breathing even, and so does she. This is still far from over.

"You sure you wanna be calling people traitor… traitor?" Jake circles him, holding out his gun from his left arm. It's so close to Justin's head that I'm sure he can still feel the metal against his skin. He swallows and his eyes widen faintly, but enough to be noticeable.

"Oh, you thought I didn't know about you?" Jake says to him, tilting his head to one side. "I can identify each and every one of you. Or did you think I was training the initiates for fun?"

Justin says nothing, but his eyes are stern as he keeps them locked in front of him, away from Jake.

"What is he talking about, Rae?" I lean forward and whisper at the same time Dani softly asks, "What in the hell is actually going on?"

"I have no idea," Rae whispers back, and her words are jagged, nervous.

"You want to tell your faction the truth?" Jake asks smugly. "No? Let me do it for you then." And his voice is strong. Even his silent breaths echo through the Pit. He was born for moments like these. Standing firm, he announces to the crowd of Dauntless, "Justin here is actually very much still Erudite."

 _What?_

My face immediately twists in confusion and the Dauntless begin to murmur incoherent protests. How could Justin, a Dauntless leader of all things, still be Erudite? And how does Jake know about it?

Dominic walks over, and retaking his place beside me and Dani he softly says, "I knew there was something off about that guy."

"Are you saying he's a spy?" An older woman steps forward and asks. If Dauntless was still operating under its old rules concerning age and capability restrictions, she would've been factionless or at the bottom of the chasm before the end of the year.

"That's exactly what I'm saying," Jake says firmly. But what surprises me is when he says, "So am I, but I'm not actually doing my job."

My eyes open wide at this. Jake is an Erudite spy? Is that why he was watching me so closely at initiation? But then he never harmed me. I guess like he said, he's not actually doing his job.

And then, in a sudden flash, it all comes together again the same way it did the first night we drank together at the chasm, not too far from where we're standing right now. He doesn't _want_ to be a spy... and I think that Rae might have something to do with that.

"I'm sure you're all familiar with the name Victor Shepherd," Jake says strongly. "Many of you may know him as representative of the Erudite to the council, but the sick son of a bitch is my father. He sent Justin here to infiltrate Dauntless leadership and to find Divergents, and of course Justin jumped at the offer since he was always too stupid to belong in Erudite anyways," Jake says with a smirk, but then it disappears. " _I_ was sent here to spy on one of your leaders and to report any suspicious activity to my father. I only agreed because… it was my ticket out of Erudite. I had no intention of ever doing any of those things." He swallows hard. "When I got here I befriended Four's daughter as a means to tricking my father into thinking that I was doing what I was sent here to do."

In front of me, Rae shivers at his confession and a sharp breath escapes her lips. But after two weeks of drinking with Jake, I know that his last confession will be his deepest, and I'm not sure if my sister is ready to hear it.

"But not too long after," Jake continues, his voice falling, "I fell in love with her, and she was the best part of my life. I didn't care about tricking my father anymore. I just wanted to be with her and I wasn't ever planning on letting her go." He bites into his lip until it bleeds and then he says, "I was gonna ask her to marry me."

Rae takes a step backward, walking right into me and then behind me as if she were trying to disappear somehow.

"But along came Justin here," Jake adds, and his voice shifts to a deadly menacing. "And it didn't take him long to decide that he was gonna go report me to daddy, didn't it, Justin?"

Justin is standing at least six feet away from me, but I can see his entire body tensing as he swallows. I've never seen Justin afraid. If I were him, I would be too. There is no fear in Jake's eyes, just resentment; raw, unresolved resentment.

"When my father had me brought in for questing, I asked a few questions of my own. He told me enough for me to figure out that his plans go beyond just spying. I told him that I was never a part of his twisted operation and that I never would be. So he threatened me, using the only thing that I had in this world, the only thing I cared about. He swore to me that the day I cross him is the day she dies. I promised myself that I'd do everything I could to prevent that from happening, so I separated myself from her… but I never stopped loving her."

Jake opens his mouth to say something else but he doesn't. This is not the place. Those are words only meant for her to hear. He glances at Rae and so do I. She bites her lip to stop it from trembling and there are tears in her eyes that have not yet spilled over to her cheeks.

When he returns his gaze to Justin he says to him, "So you see, Justin, I'm not a Dauntless leader but I have no problem executing you. Because _I_ don't like _you_ very much."

Jake clicks the bullet. "Be brave, Justin… for once."

And he squeezes the trigger.

The gunshot is loud and it echoes through the Pit, and Justin's body crashes hard into the concrete.

At first I'm surprised that I don't flinch at the sound of the unexpected gunshot and that I don't retch at the sight of the lifeless body that spills blood from the hole in its head. Then I remember that I was trained for war; or at least to survive it. I don't have a gun, but I realize that I have instinctively observed those around me to see who does, chosen which one would be easiest to snatch from its possessor, and selected the safest possible route of exit. When exactly did I do all of that? I don't know.

The Dauntless stand wide-eyed, probably wondering if Jake has lost his damn mind. But nobody moves. For all they know, he's mentally ill and he has a gun in his hand. Rae stands like a statue behind me, but I don't turn around to look at her. I already know that she wants the earth to open up and swallow her.

"With what objective are they infiltrating our leadership?" The same older woman asks.

"Is that even a question? If they control Dauntless leadership, they control Dauntless," Jake says, putting away his gun, completely unscathed by the fact that he just killed a man, a very important man. "The Erudite have used you before. Alex's story is true. I saw it with my own eyes. My best guess is they will probably do it again if you don't stand against them. It's probably why Victor is looking for Divergents."

"Did you know that he knew?" I ask Rae quietly, twisting my neck around in absolute surprise.

"No," she says grimly, staring at the floor. It's all she says.

"So what makes you so special that you remember and nobody else here does?" The same tall, dark-skinned man asks Jake. "Are we supposed to just take your word for it after you just shot Justin in the head?"

"I think you're just trying to save your little girlfriend," another man shouts. "If we don't remember then you shouldn't either. And even if it _did_ happen, that was seventeen years ago. How could you possibly remember that?"

"Because I'm Divergent," Jake admits, and with my mouth open I begin to wonder how many more surprises is he going to bless us with tonight. "The memory serum never affected me," he says. "It's the day I first found out that I was different. And that day I watched my father kill my mother, then he blamed her death on the storm that never happened. So yeah, I think I'll remember that day for a very long time."

Rae takes a step forward this time, and I can't help but wonder what she's thinking. She might feel confused or relieved even to know that Jake never wanted to leave her. She might feel compassion knowing that he is haunted by the same terrible memories that haunt her. Or she might be upset because he lied to her and he kept so many things from her. Knowing my sister, she's upset.

The crowd begins to shout again, though I'm not sure who they're angry at this time. And as I watch the two hundred Dauntless jeering in front of me, I suddenly understand why my parents couldn't take down the system all those years ago. The Dauntless are a mob. If we can't win them over we might really have to kill them all. Or _they_ might have to kill them all, since I'm still not completely sure that I'll be alive to see it.

From the middle of the crowd I see a faint shuffle as a small woman makes her way closer to the front. A man following close behind her calls out to her. She has light olive skin, like Rae's, and her hair is black and cut short.

"It's the truth," she turns around and says when she comes to a stop just in front of the platform. "The storm is a lie."

Everyone stares at her, including me, and the man following behind her gives her a questioning look. He's her husband.

"They made us attack Abnegation," she says. "It was like an army of drones. I hid until it was all over and then I joined the Dauntless who were rebelling against Jeanine. But then one day everyone just forgot and… life went on as if though none of it ever happened." She turns to her husband. "I never said anything before because I thought I was the only one who knew," she says to him. "People would think I was crazy."

And for the first time in half an hour, I exhale. This is what we were hoping for.

Jake gives me a quick glance before slowly letting his eyes scan the Pit. "Don't be afraid," He yells. "How many of you remember?"

At first nobody moves, but then a single hand goes up, and then another, and then another. Suddenly, one by one, I see a small number of hands begin to inch upward from the sea of black in the Pit; Divergent hands. Everyone begins to look around in confusion, or maybe it's amazement. No one speaks. There's not much to say when you realize that you've believed a lie for seventeen years.

"And how many more of you are Divergent but are too young to remember. It's ok," Jake pleads, and a little less than twenty younger right hands go up. He goes on to say, "We say that we believe in ordinary acts of bravery, the courage that drives one person to stand up for another. But do we really? Look around you. You see all those hands? Are you brave enough to stand up for them? Because those are the people that the Erudite want dead. Those are the people that the system can't control. And control is the whole point of the faction system, after all. It tells us who to be, how to think, how to act. The factions don't bring peace; they divide us."

The Dauntless were strong once, brave. But they've lost their way. We all have somehow. We've divided the qualities that all should strive to possess, and have limited ourselves to just one. And by doing so, we've lost sight of even the one thing that we were trying to be. I don't know if we will ever be able to claw our way out of disarray, but I know that we should at least try to. And there's no better time to start than right now.

There's a deadly silence as everyone continues to examine the hands in the air with only awe written on their faces. The Divergent aren't a fairy-tale anymore. They're friends, brothers, sisters, mothers. Maybe those who aren't willing to fight for themselves would be willing to fight for the people they love.

Without turning around, Jake stretches his arm behind him and hands me his gun. I don't know why he's giving it to me but I reach down and take it anyway.

"Fifty feet to my left there's a blond guy with a bottle in his right hand, standing beside a girl with purple hair. Don't make eye contact. They're armed. Do you see them?" he asks me.

I scan above the heads of the crowd. The purple hair is impossible to miss. I remember her from the day Abby had spent with me. She was behind us in the cafeteria line.

"Yes," I say.

"I need you to shoot them both so that they can't run. There's a third one. I don't see him but he's out here."

I hesitate a little. My aim is perfect, but unlike Jake I've never actually shot someone before. But I don't have to kill them. From this angle I can get them both in the thigh before they know what hit them. Then, with only a half second to turn to my targets and aim, and another half second to pull the trigger, I make both shots. Suddenly a third shot fires, but it's not from the gun in my hand.

Jake collapses to the ground and something between a scream and his name bursts past my sister's lips. She runs to him at the same time I spin around to find the shooter, but before I can, the rest of the Dauntless have already beaten him to the ground. I turn again to see Rae covered in blood as she presses her hand into the hole in Jake's side. Dominic and Dani are quiet behind me but the crowd of Dauntless begin to shout in anger as the three Erudite spies are brought up front, held at gunpoint by Dauntless guards.

It all happens so fast that it almost feels like a dream. But then I wake up when I hear the ghost of my mother's voice screaming my name, only it _is_ my mother's voice.

I turn my head quickly only to see my parents, my girlfriend and my twin sister running into the Pit.

 _They came to save me_ , I think, and I smile even though I knew they would.

The jeering of the Dauntless comes to an abrupt stop at the sight of my father, but then the noise begins again. I hear people shouting and bombarding my father with questions. But it's all white noise because the only thing my mind can focus on is the head of red curls and the girl in the short, yellow dress that is running toward me. She throws herself around me and I catch her as she crashes into me, our arms pulling us together so hungrily there's no air between us. I clutch on to her like I'll never let go. I have to pull back to kiss her, but I don't go far. My lips find hers and I take them in mine until I pull back again just enough so that I can look at her.

I wasn't sure if I would ever see her again, yet here she is in my arms.

"Abby," I whisper, and I relish the sweet sound of her name as it leaves my lips.

As I wipe the tears from her tears I'm vaguely conscious of the silence around me, and when I turn to look around I'm met by hundreds of eyes staring at me and Abigail. It's only then that I realize she's in her faction colours.

"Oh shit," Dominic murmurs behind me.

Instinctively, I stand myself in front of her and I scan the crowd for any signs of movement. I think I see my father slowly reaching for his gun. But as I examine the eyes staring at us I see something strange in them. There's confusion yes, but there is no betrayal. Without meaning to, we seem to have broken the hardness of the Dauntless in a way that my speech or Jake's never could. I think that me holding Abigail on this platform just gave them a glimpse of just how united our city can be, and just how beautiful it actually is. It's the perfect closing.

There's an uncomfortable silence in the Pit and Abigail squeezes my fingers. I can feel her warm breaths on my neck. "It's ok," I whisper softly so that only she can hear.

Just then the same Divergent woman steps forward. She is the first to speak. "I'll fight with you," she says.

"So will I," her husband says, and he takes her hand.

And one by one they begin to step forward until there's no space up front in which to step. I struggle to keep my breathing steady. I struggle to keep my heartbeat inside my chest. Even though this is what we came here for, watching it unfold is something like a fantasy.

"So when do we attack?" I hear a stern voice say. When I turn to face the man who spoke, I realize he's speaking to _me_. They're all looking at _me_.

* * *

 **A/N: He's alive! :) lol Sorry it took so long for me to update, you guys! I had a very hectic week. Didn't mean to leave you on that cliff for so long. And I didn't post any A/Ns in the last two chapters because I didn't want to mess with the flow of things ;) lol I hope you guys like where we ended up.**

 **Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)**


	43. Chapter 43

**A\N: This chapter begins exactly where Tobias' last chapter (40) ended.**

* * *

 **43\. The Aftershock**

 **TOBIAS**

I plunge into the crowd of Dauntless in a murderous haze. I'm almost sure I hit someone in the face.

"Alex!" Tris screams as we storm into the Pit. I am too much of a nervous wreck to say anything at all.

At first the angry cries of my faction deafen me, but then the shouting stops and I hear my name being whispered over and over again.

 _It's Four_ , they say.

The sea of Dauntless part, opening up a path to the platform and that's when I see them, my children; whole, alive.

Alex stands in the centre of the platform with Daniel and…

"Dominic," Annabelle whimpers beside me. Rae is crouched in front of it, holding a bloody Jake in her arms. Justin's body lies lifeless on the ground in front of them, his head swimming in a pool of his own blood. There are three others, two men and a young woman, being held at gunpoint by Dauntless guards. And this is all very confusing.

"Four, did you know about this?" One man asks me and then the questions begin to pour in one after the other and many at the same time. I hold up a hand to try and quiet them but it's in vain; the crowd is much too agitated. I see Abigail shuffle beside me, but before I can stop her, she runs onto the platform and Alex grabs her without thought and kisses her.

It doesn't take more than five seconds for every single pair of eyes in the Pit to lock on to them. The room goes eerily quiet and I hear nothing except for the loud pounding of my heart in my ears as the Dauntless stand and stare at my son with wide eyes, open mouths and pinched eyebrows.

Alex positions himself protectively in front of Abigail and his eyes begin to scan the Pit at the same time mine do. I didn't even think to let her change before we left. We were all in such a panic. And I don't know what my son said to the Dauntless, but I'm almost certain he never mentioned Abigail.

This could be bad.

I slowly begin to reach for my gun. But then, as my fingers lock on to it, I see people stepping forward, one by one and then many at a time, and then I hear a strong voice say, "So when do we attack?"

Instead of the piercing glances of betrayed eyes that I had expected to see, they all stare at my son with respect, confusion and awe. And _I_ stare at him with a pride so warm it threatens to ignite me.

"In thirty-six hours," says Alex firmly.

All around me the Dauntless begin to cheer, shouting chants of victory, and again I wrestle through them, pushing them aside as if they were just a wall of mass. Tris and Annabelle follow close behind me.

"What do we do with the traitors, Four?" one man asks me. I'm confused for a moment and then I remember the three being held at gunpoint. I don't know what they did, but I'm sure I'll find out soon enough.

"Lock them up," I say.

Rae stands to her feet as two men lift Jake and carry him away to the infirmary. She doesn't follow. Instead she walks over to Alex and flicks him in the ear before pulling him into a hug. Then she lets go, and they both stand perfectly still as they see us viciously tearing through the crowd. My eyes stay fixed on them and my arms and feet know only one purpose; I need to get to them.

And I don't know when or how we all collide, but we do. It's a collision of hugs and tears, a mess of limbs and Tris yelling, "What the hell were you two thinking?" with tears in her eyes and dread in her voice. We pull each other in, holding too tight, and the emotions we exude are so tangible that there is no need for words.

When we finally come apart, I take my son's face between my palms and I say roughly, "I won't ask you why you did this."

He places both of his palms over mine and he replies, "The same reason you were going to."

My heart skips a beat. How could he have known that I would have come? My vision blurs and with all my strength I pull him back into me. He holds me tight and in that moment I'm almost sure I'll never let go. In all my life I have never been this proud of anyone.

My mind takes flight in a million different directions, asking a million different questions. Of all the great men that have ever existed, and all the kings who had deserved a son worthy of admiration, Alexander somehow escaped them all and ended up being mine. I become lost in the wonder of it all and I only come back down to Earth when I hear my wife yell, "Now could somebody please tell me what the _hell_ happened here?"

* * *

I make it my business to go see Jake in order to thank him. He took a huge risk admitting all that he did and I know that it must have required great strength.

He tells me that his father had inoculated himself with the vaccine before the memory serum was released, and that he had used the opportunity to kill his mother. Jake says that it was because she was different, and although back then he never knew what that difference was, he knew that he had taken after her and he hid it from this father.

That would mean that Victor was close enough to Jeanine to know what she was planning, and sending his son to spy on me means that he had learned who I was. Maybe he had always known, and that only makes me wonder what his intentions were when he joined the council. It's been seventeen years and he has done nothing. But then again, neither have I.

Jake doesn't know what his father's plan is, but he's sure that whatever it is, it is vile. Victor has taken his time to plan. He's smart. Patient. Deadly. Like a serpent creeping up on its prey and only striking at the opportune moment.

I don't know how Caleb could have missed this. It makes me question where his loyalty lies, or if Victor got to him somehow. The last time we spoke he assured me that the Erudite were only speculating and were following the council's orders, waiting for an actual Divergent problem to act. I should have known that was too decent for them. Whatever is happening, we're out of the loop and having the Dauntless on our side has turned out to be much more vital than I would have thought.

As I'm heading back from seeing Jake I see Rae, standing by the chasm. It's not very often that Rae cries, so when I see her wipe a tear from her cheek my heart sinks. I don't know how she reacted to Jake's confession, but I don't imagine her feeling anything other than confusion and pain and love and hate all at once.

I press my arms into the railing and I lean in close beside her although I'm not sure what to say, so I just ask, "Have you been in to see him at all?"

"No."

"Afraid of what he'll say?"

"I know exactly what he'll say," she says grimly, looking into the chasm. "I just don't know what he expects me to do about any of it."

"I don't think he expects anything. But I know he's hoping that you'll understand."

"And then what? We live happily ever after?" she asks, raising an eyebrow at me.

"That's up to you and where you want to go from here," I say.

She's quiet for a while and then she says, "I was fine, you know? I had already accepted that I was in love with a man who just stopped loving me back. And now he tells me in front of all of Dauntless that he still does? That he always has? And I'm supposed to just forget everything that I've been through for the past four years? I'm supposed to just forget everything that I had to do to be ok without him and just… throw myself back into his arms as if though none of it ever happened?" she scowls.

"Only if that's what you want to do," I say levelly. I don't really know what I'm hoping for. I know that I want Rae to be happy and I remember how happy they were together. I remember the way they looked at each other, and feelings like that don't just go away.

"I really don't want to…," she shakes her head and bites her bottom lip. "But I want to just as much. Does that make any sense?"

"Absolutely," I say. "You don't want to because he hurt you and you're angry, but you want to because you love him. The only way around this is to stop loving him or to forgive him."

"I'm not sure I can do either."

"In my experience option B is a lot easier and it feels a lot better."

"But it's so much to forgive," she says softly. "It's not just that he hurt me treating me the way that he did. It's that he felt that he had to. Why didn't he just tell me? Why didn't he just trust me?" Her voice breaks when she says, "After so many years he just threw me away. He didn't even try to save us. Things could have been so different if he had just told me, Four."

"I understand. But sometimes it's not that easy, Rae. It was the only way he thought he could protect you," I say quietly, suddenly feeling like I could relate somehow.

"I don't need to be protected!" she yells.

"I know," I say, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. "But sometimes we just can't help it."

"Well he should've tried harder," she snaps. "I spent four years trying to figure out what exactly did I do that was so horrible, so unforgivable, to make him treat me like that. You were there. You know how much it tore me apart. You wanted to kill him!"

I did. She begged me not to. And I had wanted to up until I caught him drinking a couple of times by the chasm. I know a broken man when I see one, and it was plastered all over his face. I knew that something bigger was happening but Rae asked me to leave it alone. Now that I know what that something was, and assuming that his father is as sadistic as he says he is, I can't say I completely blame Jake for what he did. Rae is stubborn, and the Dauntless in her makes her ready to attack everything head on, failing to take into account her mortality.

I would do anything to protect Tris. Anything. But it might be a bit hard for Rae to understand. She absolutely hates being lied to.

"I know, Rae," I say.

"Then why are you defending him?!"

"I'm not." Maybe I am.

"Yes, you are!"

"I empathize with him," I finally confess. "He wouldn't forgive himself if anything ever happened to you. Look around him, Rae. Believe it or not, you're all that he has." I hang my head a little as I exhale. "I know what that feels like, that's all."

After years of being told that you're weak, you start to believe it. And losing the one person who's ever made you feel strong, well that's just not an option.

"So he decided it was better to lie to me and make me miserable for four years?" Rae asks with a scowl.

"He decided it was better to keep you safe," I explain. "It's not easy loving strong, stubborn women like you and Tris. Sometimes that strength makes you willing to take incredible risks, when all we want is for you not to. All we want is for you to stay alive because we need you to be. So many times I fought so hard to protect Tris. Not because I thought she wasn't strong enough, but because _I_ wasn't. I couldn't lose her. I still can't," I say, and I feel that familiar weakness creep up inside of me. A man is only invincible until he falls in love.

"You would never have kept something like this from Tris," Rae says to me, her eyes still staring into the chasm.

"Not now," I admit. "But maybe once upon a time I would have. Sometimes these things take time."

Before Tris I was buried under a mountain of secrets. I had been so used to handling things on my own, keeping things to myself. The impulse to hide was as natural as breathing. It wasn't an easy habit to break. I can't imagine Jake being much different.

"Besides, he's miserable without you," I add. "And you're more miserable than usual without _him_." She chuckles a little. "At least talk to him, Rae."

"I'm afraid that's all it might take," she says, and she finally looks at me, open and vulnerable.

Rae doesn't let people in very often. Apart from her family, she has very few friends. But when she chooses to love, she doesn't hold back. And it's always a terrifying thing, loving someone with everything. It comes with the haunting reality that they could break you.

"What if he's not that person anymore?" She then asks me, a tear falling from her eyes. "What if I let him back in and he…," her voice trails off and she shakes her head a little.

"Listen," I say. "You risked your life to save him, and from what I hear he risked his life to save you too. Four years can do a lot to a person, but if it makes you feel any better, he's as in love with you as you are with him, and I don't think that's ever gonna change. I think a love like that deserves a second chance. Don't _you_?"

I place a gentle kiss on her forehead and she wraps her arms around me.

"I do," she says.

* * *

I left Zeke in charge of the situation in Dauntless and I went back to the old house before sunrise to get Christian. I took him home. I didn't want him worrying any longer than he needed to. Then I went to the factionless to see my mother. I spent the entire morning explaining the events of the night before and rearranging the terms of our hostile takeover since I've now been dealt a better hand. To my sweet surprise, she was more incited by the bravery of her grandson than at the fact that we now have the Dauntless on our side. It's funny how loving your children and grandchildren can make nothing else in the world matter, even the things that you thought you always wanted.

As I step through the door that almost a day ago I was unsure I would ever step through again, my eyes search the apartment for my wife. My legs instantly lead me to the balcony where I find her standing underneath the afternoon sun. To me, Tris has always seemed magnetic in a way I could not describe, and that she was not aware of.

"I missed you," I say, wrapping my arms around her from behind.

"Yeah? I didn't even realize you were gone all morning," Tris chuckles.

"What did I miss?"

"Nothing much. Angry Dauntless, Erudite spies, the usual." I smile into her hair and I rock her back and forth as we stare out into the city.

"I spoke to Rae," she says eventually. It makes me hopeful. When there's not a soul on this planet that can pacify Rae, Tris can.

"Yeah? What'd you tell her?"

"That men are stupid. And that they do stupid things sometimes."

"Is that so?" I say with a wide grin. I poured out my heart and soul and _that_ was Tris' advice? I will never understand the way women think.

"Yeah, and it worked. She brought Jake to the house this morning after he was discharged from the infirmary. They went into her old room. Haven't been out since." Tris turns her head and winks at me.

"They have a lot to talk about," I say sternly, my grin disappearing.

"Talking? Is that what you think they're doing in there?"

"He has a bullet wound, Tris."

"Didn't stop us," she says with a hint of reminisce in her eyes, and she jabs me softly in the stomach.

"Fine," I frown. "I'd rather not imagine that our daughter is having sex in this house." I don't particularly enjoy the thought of my daughter being in a man's arms, or the thought of him doing to her any of the things that I love so much to do to Tris. It's sickening.

"She probably is, Tobias," Tris says. "They had a huge victory last night."

"They did," I say, grateful for an opportunity to change the topic. "I never thought we'd all be back home under the same roof ever again." I smile a little but it disappears when I remember all the events of the night, the events that brought us back here. "You know," I say, "Jake's information changes everything. Victor's been working right under the council's nose for so long. Who knows what he's been doing all these years."

"Yeah," Tris says. "And I just get the feeling that something's not right. Caleb would have figured him out by now."

"You think he…"

"No," she says strongly, shaking her head. "I saw him just two weeks ago on visiting day. He was perfectly normal. He's a very good liar, but my brother wouldn't lie to me."

I take a deep breath as I consider the possibilities, but we won't know what's wrong until we attack tomorrow. We have no way of communicating with Caleb, and even if we did, I wouldn't be sure that I could trust him. I'm only giving him the benefit of the doubt because Tris still does.

"Whatever it is we'll figure it out," Tris says levelly, sensing my worry. "I'll find him, and then we'll find the data and whatever else Victor is hiding."

I gently spin her around to face me and I say, "You could always stay at Dauntless with Shauna tomorrow, or fight the perimeter with Christina. It'll be safer there."

She gives me a knowing smile. "Stop trying to protect me, Tobias."

"I'm just thinking about Chris," I say. "We don't know what we're walking into, and I'd love for one if not both of us to walk out."

"Then we had both better walk out then."

"Tris-"

"Tobias," she says softly. "I am doing this for him too. Our little boy is never going to be safe unless this is done right, which means that I will do all that I can to save this city from itself."

I know that she's right, and Tris is always an asset. But she's also a part of me in a way that no one else will ever be and if something were to ever happen to her, the sun would never rise again. I nod, but reluctantly.

"We've been waiting for this day for seventeen years," she says, skimming my face with her thumb. "Nothing's going to stop us now."

And the strength that always radiates from Tris' eyes draws me to her. I pull her into me, gently taking her lips in mine and together they dance a dance that only gets sweeter with time. Her hand falls slowly, caressing the length of my neck and my shoulder on the way down. I let out a soft moan at the feel of her fingers against my body and her tender lips gliding against mine, and I feel when she smiles against my kiss.

She rests her head on my chest and in comfortable silence we stare out at the city below us, knowing that after tomorrow it will never be the same. And for a while I think that maybe we could have done it a long time ago, and maybe that is true, but it would not have been for a reason as beautiful as this one. It would not have been for love.

* * *

 **A/N: Please let me know what you guys thought of this chapter! :) And just in case you guys are wondering, this story is almost over. There are 49 chapters and then the Epilogue. But believe me, a lot can happen in 6 chapters lol Please review! :)**


	44. Chapter 44

**A/N: Heeeey everybody! :) So t** **his chapter was not in the original draft of this story. It started out as an idea and I loved it so much that I had decided to include it as a bonus chapter. But as the story rolled on, I realized that it was actually quite necessary for me to expound on Rae and Jake a bit more. So it's not a bonus chapter… it's just a chapter, if you get what I mean :) It takes place in the middle of the last, after Tobias spoke to Rae and before he speaks to Tris. I hope you guys enjoy it!**

* * *

 **44\. Reconcile**

 **RAE**

My blood is warm and my fists are clenched tight. I want to hit him. I want to grab him by the neck and kiss him. I want to slap the stupid out of him and then tell him how much I've missed him. But I don't do any of those things when I finally muster the will to step inside the small private room of the infirmary. Instead, I just stand there, looking at him.

He's sitting up on the bed with the white covers pushed aside, his abdomen bandaged so tightly it's a wonder that he can breathe. He looks strong, like he wasn't just shot and bleeding out on the floor, in my arms. His green eyes are piercing, searching mine for an answer as mine search his.

When I see an old, familiar yearning in his eyes, one that I remember was powerful enough to bring me to my knees or make me bite my lip and smile from ear to ear, I look away. He's not that person anymore. My Jake is gone. My Jake disappeared four years ago. It's like being in love with a ghost.

Finally, breaking the uncomfortable silence, he says, "I wasn't sure if you'd come," and his voice sends a charge through me, making me shiver. I swallow hard and stare at the floor.

I see him shuffle in his bed with the corner of my eye but I don't look at him. If he were anyone else I'd stare him dead in the eye and show him that I'm not afraid of him, that he has no effect on me, that I'm over him. But I dare not even look at him.

He knows my strengths, he knows my weaknesses, he knows what makes me laugh and what makes me cry and I hate him for it. I hate him for it because he chose to hurt me anyway. I don't care why he did it. Maybe Four is right, and maybe he _was_ just trying to protect me. But I never asked him to.

He slowly approaches me and just as carefully he stretches out a hand to mine.

"Rae," he whispers.

"Don't touch me," I snap at him.

How dare he pretend to be my Jake, speaking like him, looking at me the way my Jake used to look at me. How dare he pretend to be the man that was once my best friend, my lover, my equal, my everything.

"So this is how I find out the truth? In front of a Dauntless mob and with a gun in my face?" I scoff. "How romantic," I say with a scowl.

"Why are you so difficult, Rae?" he asks me softly with a faint smile, a handsome smile. I ignore it.

"So you're Divergent. You knew the storm was a lie. You came here to spy on Four. You used me but then fell in love with me. And then you broke up with me because your father threatened to kill me. Is there anything else that I should know?" I ask crudely, finally looking him in the eye. "Oh, I forgot. The reason you always insisted on training the transfers was so that you could fish out your father's spies."

"The way you always insisted on running the simulations?" he counters, and I freeze. How could he possibly have known? Back then I knew that one day I'd have to tell him… but we ended before I ever did.

"You knew?" I ask quietly, taking a step backward.

"Justin had asked me about the occasional glitches in the fear simulations and I knew that it only could have been you. I had asked myself why would you be protecting Divergents, and then everything made sense. I suddenly realized why my father wanted me to spy on Four. And after watching Alex and Annabelle in training, I knew that he wasn't the only Divergent in the family. It was a dangerous secret, so I never pushed you. I figured you would tell me when you were ready," he says, pointing out my secret as if it somehow justifies his own, but he just made his case significantly worse.

"How considerate of you," I say sarcastically, and then I scowl. "Don't you dare use that against me and pretend like that's the same thing. It would have been if you had actually intended to tell me the truth at some point, but by the looks of things it's obvious that you didn't. You weren't ever going to tell me."

His hand falls back to his side, heavy, and the look on his face only confirms my accusation. And it hurts.

"Instead of trusting me you lied to me," I say, sounding strangled but strong. It's the worst lie I've ever been told. He told me that he didn't love me anymore, that he had grown tired of me. It was like a bullet to the chest. "Why would you do that?" I demand.

"You know why," he whispers, taking a careful step closer to me. "They were watching me. They were always watching me. I couldn't take that risk."

"There _was_ no risk, Jake!" I yell at him. "You knew that I knew the truth. You knew that my entire family was Divergent. We would have fought with you. _I_ would have fought with you if you had just told me." And heatedly I say, "You had _nothing_ to lose."

"I had _everything_ to lose," he seethes back. I want to roll my eyes but I don't. I shouldn't take lightly the fear that Jake has for his father. I saw what that same fear did to Four, and he is one of the strongest people I know.

"I'm not afraid of him," I say.

"That's exactly why I couldn't tell you, Rae!" He steps back. "Because you are frustrating and ridiculously stubborn and I knew that you would go after him even if I asked you not to!"

"And why is that so bad?" I growl more than say.

"Because he would have _killed_ you!"

"Maybe that would have been better than _this_!" I yell, my arms flinging wide between us. I would have died for him. Instead of four years of gut-wrenching pain and torturous memories, I would have died for him.

"Don't you say that," he says, and with one large step he's so close to me that I shiver with want. He cups my face with his palm and says, "Don't you ever say that."

It's been so long since he's touched me. I want to melt into it.

I don't.

"Don't tell me what to do," I seethe, ripping his hand away. "You lost that right when you singlehandedly decided that we weren't worth fighting for. When you just threw me away like I never mattered to you."

And all the reasons why I hated my old faction burn fresh within me. People should never be forgotten. It's one of the reasons I never took Four's name when they adopted me. It's all that I had left of my father and I wanted to keep him close to me, even if it meant growing up in Dauntless with a classic Amity name like Summers. My father was a good man, one who deserved to be remembered.

Maybe Jake is no better than the Amity. I hate him and I hate them. I hate their hypocrisy. I hate their lies. I hate the way they bury their hurt along with their dead as if pain is the enemy. But after hurting there is healing. If they'd let themselves feel any pain at all they'd know that.

"Is that what you think?" Jake asks, backing away from me. "That I didn't want to fight for you? That I didn't want to rip my own father's heart out of his chest or put a bullet in his head for you?" And then a tear falls from his eyes and it takes everything in me to not let it break me.

"I think you took the easy way out," I say. "That's what I think."

"Because it was so easy watching the woman I love spiral downward because of me. And when you got back on your feet it was so easy watching you smile and not being able to kiss you, being around you and not being able to touch you, knowing that one day I would have to watch you be with someone else." His voice breaks. "Letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, Rae. It destroyed me," he chokes.

"Then why did you do it?!"

"I lied to you because I love you!" he yells.

"You lied to me because you're a coward!" I yell back, knowing that he won't ever admit it, and my eyes fill with tears but I force them back. "What were you planning to do, Jake? You were just here sitting on your ass this whole time, taking refuge in Dauntless while your father has been planning God knows what," I scowl. "Were you just gonna watch while he killed the people that matter most to me?! The only family I have?" and it takes all of my strength to keep my voice steady.

Life has taken away many things from me, but many things to me it has given back. Tris is the mother I never knew and Four became the father I had lost. Even the thought of losing them makes me weak. I've lost one family before, and losing this one, I'm not sure I'd survive it.

Jake looks away from me, but not from shame or regret. Instead his eyes are strong, filled with determination.

"What were you planning to do, Jake?" I ask him, more seriously this time.

He looks up at me and takes a few deep breaths before he says, "I was going to kill him," and my eyes open wide. "It took me a while, but I came to terms with the fact that the only way to stop him would have been to kill him."

I'm left dumbstruck.

"So you spent the last four years mustering the will to kill your own father because you felt like you absolutely had to do this alone," I say quietly. He doesn't answer. "Because you had _nobody_ ," I say mockingly.

"Rae-," he tries.

"What was I there for then, Jake? Why'd you ever need me?" I ask, and it almost sounds like a whimper. He stares into my eyes, and before he sees the brokenness in my soul the way he always could have, I decide to leave. I turn around but with two large steps he stands in front of me, blocking the door.

"Get out of my way," I say, and my voice trembles.

"Do you love me?"

More than anything.

"Get the hell out of my way, Jake."

"Tell me that you don't love me anymore, and you're free to go." He shakes his head, tears in his eyes. "Tell me that you don't love me anymore and I promise I'll never bother you again."

It's a simple thing, telling him the same lie that he once told me. But I can't seem to say it, and it makes me wonder how he ever could.

"Raelene," he begs.

"Shut up!" I scream out. "You don't get to call me that anymore!"

And with that he slowly steps aside, clearing my path to the door. I step forward and I grab on to the cold doorknob and I will myself to turn it. But as much as I do, I can't. My hand trembles as the large, white door begins to blur and then all of a sudden I can't see anything anymore.

I've never understood how the same man that could make me feel so powerful could sometimes make me feel so weak. I press my forehead against the door and this time I'm not strong enough. I'm not strong enough to force the tears away. I'm not strong enough to stop the soft whimpers that push past my lips.

And then all my strength is gone when I feel strong arms slide against my back and my waist, folding around my middle. When I feel the warmth of his chest against my back my grip on the doorknob falters and my lean body slumps into his. My sobbing only intensifies as the agonizing pain consumes me.

All the memories of inadequate men who could not dominate my body the way he could, or all the women whose lips were too thin or whose hands were too gentle or too small, all the ones I had hated and chased out of my apartment simply because they weren't _him_ , even the sleepless nights and the thick circular bottoms of empty wine bottles flash through my mind like a storm and my anger becomes my strength. I try to pry his hands away from me but he only holds me tighter. I thrash in his arms like a spoilt child but he grabs on to me, holding on for dear life.

"I'm sorry, baby," he whimpers into my shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

My body quakes as love and hate battle inside me, pulling me here and pulling me there. And he says the words over and over again until I hear him. I hear my Jake say my name.

"Raelene," he whispers into my ear with a sob, and the larger parts of my body come to an abrupt halt, while my fingers and lips and toes tremble violently. "I'm so sorry, baby," he whimpers. "I just wanted you to be safe. Even if it meant that I couldn't have you."

And then he lets me go.

My body suddenly aches at the loss of his warmth around me and I spin around to see him falling backward until his feet crash against the bedframe and he sits, pressing his head into his palms, shaking. He looks up at me with unreserved brokenness and that's when I remember, I made him weak too. He needed me as much as I needed him.

My chest becomes heavy at the thought of all the things _I_ hid from _him_. Burdens I chose to carry alone even though I knew that I could trust him with my life. I lied to him too. I tried to protect him too. Maybe I have no right to judge him, because I'm just as stupidly in love as he is and I would do anything to protect him, to save him. I would have taken on all of Dauntless for him the way he did for me in a heartbeat. I only ever came back for him.

"Jake," I whimper, fighting the ache burning within my chest, but I lose.

Without thought I crash into him, attacking his lips with mine and pulling violently at his hair, his chest, his fingers, anything that my hands find to hold on to. He fights back and his strong hands are gripped so tightly against my skin that it stings but I don't care. I don't care. I hate him but he is mine and I love him. I love him.

We crash against the bed in vehement fervour, unmindful to the unlocked door. We've taken each other to the ultimate heights of pleasure and back. We've taken each other in decadent ways, and in places where no one else dares to. But not this. We've never done this; tears and sobs stressed with passionate kisses, our bodies pressed together in want and need and love and grief as our hands wander and grasp in hunger where they may, leaving no inch of skin untouched.

But then he stops. And I feel his hands claw into my back as he pulls me into him, wrapping his legs around mine. I feel him breathe heavily against me and all I can do is return his hold, drenching myself with his skin, his scent, his warmth. And we stay like that for minutes, hours, just holding each other in silence as if the emptiness we've both felt for so long could somehow be undone.

But maybe none of that matters.

Time when lost can never be reclaimed. But we have each other now, and all that matters is that right here, right now, we're whole. And I'll be damned if I ever lose him again, with or without his permission. I will fight for him to the death because Tris is right. Men _are_ stupid. But they're _our_ men. And we love them as they are.

* * *

 **A/N: And that's Divergent love story #3 :) Please let me know what you guys thought of this chapter! I'm actually seriously considering writing a 5 chapter short story from Rae's POV that's a quick summary of what happened between her and Jake. It ends with an alternative/extra final chapter (Chapter 50) to Divergent Love Stories. So please let me know if you guys would read it if I did.** **Thank you guys so much for all your support!**


	45. Chapter 45

**45\. Redemption's Morning**

 **ALEX**

I wake up in a familiar room. Still, it's strange. It's been a year since I've slept here, and apart from that Abby's here with me. For the first time in my life my childhood bed doesn't seem so large. Although, Abby and I are both tucked so snugly together that we're hardly using any space at all.

Our bodies touch at their entire length, and Abby's arms are wrapped so tightly around me that I can barely breathe. She hasn't let go of me since we left the Pit a day ago, but she's hardly said a word to me since then. She's not upset and she says that she understands why I did what I did, but that's all she's said.

When she opens her eyes I decide to break the silence. With the Dauntless on our side today should be easy, but I've learned to take nothing for granted, to not let any second go to waste, to not leave any word unsaid.

"What's on your mind, Abby?" I ask quietly. She shuffles nervously in my arms as my eyes plead deeply with hers, but she doesn't look away.

She takes a breath. "Is it wrong to wish that it wasn't us?" she asks softly. "To wish that someone else would take all the risks and make all the sacrifices?"

I shake my head in understanding and I say, "No. It's not."

Abby lets out a heavy sigh and then she says, "I want to be proud of you for what you did. Because I know it was the right thing to do. And I will be one day, but right now I can't be." Her voice breaks. "I've never been so afraid in my entire life, Alex."

"I'm so sorry," I whisper as I wipe a tear away from her cheek. I knew it would've been hard for her either way. And that's why, just like her, I wish that it wasn't us either. I can battle through the fear and the anxiety that comes with the unknown. I just don't want her to have to.

"Don't be," she says, resting her palm on mine. "Just please don't die today."

"Abby…" I mutter.

"You don't understand, Alex," she interrupts me. "Everybody who is supposed to be an important part of my life just dies. You can't die too."

I don't know what to say to this.

Sarah will be safe. She's still in Amity, but my father has ensured that no harm will come to her when they are invaded. As for me, I'm in the front line of fire. So as easy as today should be, I can't really promise her that I won't die. Can I?

"I won't," I say, brushing my fingers against her face. "I'll do everything I can to come back to you. I promise." I kiss her softly, letting my lips linger. "I love you, Abby," I say, and I make sure that this time she hears it.

"I love you too," she says.

I wrap my fingers around the back of her neck, gently pulling her lips to mine as we share another kiss. It's tender and warm and slow and sweet, but deep and filled with all the passions that come with love and loss and fear of loss. When I break away, I bring my forehead down to rest on hers but I open my eyes and take her in.

I've heard stories of men who took down entire cities for love, stories of beasts who were tamed by the beauty of a woman alone. I once thought such ideas were farcical, but now, looking into Abigail's eyes, I understand completely.

I always thought that Abby was like me, Divergent. But although she's not Divergent, she _is_ like me. She _is_ more than her faction. She's what Amity is supposed to be. Kind, but genuine. Meek, but strong. She is a beautiful person with a beautiful heart.

I'm running my fingers through her hair when she says, "I wish I could help somehow instead of watching from the side lines as everybody else fights. I feel like there's no place for me in a revolution."

"Trust me," I say, smiling. "Keeping my grandmother busy is plenty help. Besides," and my smile falters, "I'm feeling my way around all this too, finding my place." I'm still not sure I've had my honourable moment. Technically speaking, I didn't win over the Dauntless. Jake did. I just loosened them up a bit.

Abby smiles sweetly and there's a spark in her eyes. "No. You were born for this," she says. "It's what you were meant to do."

I chuckle. "Sounds like you believe in destiny," I say with a slight smirk, repeating the words she said to me a year ago, the night we met.

She counters, "I believe that some things are just too magical to be a coincidence. Like there's some unseen force driving it to where it's supposed to be." And then she smiles, and I've never believed those words more than I do right now, in this moment. Our mothers never met by coincidence, and Abby and I never came to be by coincidence. Maybe there are no coincidences at all. Maybe things just fall into line.

Abby's smile slowly fades when she says, "I wish my mother could be here though. I wish that her part in all of this was more than just keeping me safe for as long as she could have. Through all of this, through getting to know your mom, I feel like I've gotten pieces of her back. I've learned things about her that I never knew, but I still wish that she were here. It makes no sense, but it's not fair that some people are important enough to save and others aren't."

"Every single piece of a structure is important enough," I say, not knowing where the words are coming from. "If one fails, it all comes crashing down. And who is to say that she's not safe?"

Abby thinks about this for a while and then she nods understandingly, but her eyes still look sad.

"Hey," I say softly. "Cheer up, Princess. Do you know what day today is? It's redemption day. Tomorrow when we wake up, we'll be free to do this," I kiss her lips, "and this," her jaw, "and this," her neck, "and just about anything else that we want to do, and nothing or nobody will ever be able to tear us apart."

She smiles as my lips trace the line of her jaw and it lights up the room like sunlight.

"There's my girl."

* * *

The Pit is loud as commands and shouts of war bounce off its walls. Dauntless men and women are running to and fro, eager to ensure that everything is in place. Dani and I stand by a table full of knives and guns, checking the last of them, making sure each one is sharp and loaded and ready for battle. We may not need them, but it would be foolish storming into Erudite with nothing but the black clothes on our backs, regardless of how many of us there are.

My Uncles Zeke and Uriah are in charge of leading the Dauntless, and my parents went out to the factionless earlier this morning, taking Abby with them. She'll stay there with my grandmother and I can't help but feel relieved knowing that she'll be safe. We'll all meet up on the train in an hour, and then it's go time. Sounds simple enough, but is it really?

"I'm telling you, Alex. Our dads are gods of war, man."

I raise an incredulous eyebrow at my best friend who is aiming a loaded gun at an empty space between the dense crowd.

I get it. We could actually have a bloodless take over. But I also know that things can unexpectedly take a turn for the worst. It's one of the things my father taught me when we used to play capture the flag when Anna and I were fourteen. If I had known then that he was actually preparing us for war, I would have taken it more seriously.

"I'm serious, man," Dani continues. "They talk about bringing down the factions like if it's an after school project. I hear your mom's a badass too."

"Don't talk about my mother," I say tensely, slowly letting a smile creep up on my face. "But yeah, she can definitely kick your ass."

With this Dani laughs and setting down the large gun in his hand he says, "I'm gonna leave you to finish this up and go get some brunch. Can't take over the city on an empty stomach." He winks and lets out a theatrically sinister laugh. I watch him as he walks away and all I can do is laugh and shake my head.

Maybe I _am_ being a stick in the mud, overthinking things. Just this morning I had told Abby to cheer up because today is redemption day. Maybe I should take my own advice. The fight for our freedom should be fought with pride and strength, not with me freaking out every five minutes about the fact that something could go wrong. After all, today could be perfect, but whether or not it is, today is the day everything changes for the better.

 _I'll be free to marry Abigail_ , I think. And as the thought crosses my mind I become so eager and ambitious that I'm tempted to just grab one of these guns and storm into Erudite all by myself, right this minute. I grin wickedly, washed by a familiar wave of rash boldness. It's the Dauntless in me.

"What in the world are you grinning stupid about?"

My twin sister seems to have come out of nowhere as she leans up on my shoulder, her face lacking its usual spark. It's not too strange a thing though, given the circumstances. Emotions have been high since the night before last.

"We're taking over the world today, Pinky," I say, mocking the all too familiar folktale, but Anna's frown doesn't budge. "Why the face?" I ask her.

She smiles a little, but she doesn't answer my question. Instead she says, "You are _no_ evil genius. You're definitely a rat though."

I pout my lips at this and she snorts and rolls her eyes playfully at me, but then they widen as they become fixed on something in the distance.

"I knew it!" Anna says, finally smiling with her whole face. "I didn't know how but I always knew it."

I turn to see what she's looking at and that's when my eyes spot my older sister and her long lost love as they enter the Pit. I saw them together at the house yesterday. They've been inseparable ever since. We're not the only ones looking at them, but they walk as if they were both blind to that fact. Rae's fingers are wrapped tightly around the hem of Jake's jacket, and his hand is secured firmly around her waist like she's his, like she's always been his. They walk to the same rhythm, as if though it were a dance that they had memorized.

"I guess everybody's got their Kryptonite. Even Rae. Who would've thought?" I say.

"I guess so. I still can't believe it though," Anna says. "I thought for sure Rae was gonna give him a hard time about it."

"I can," I say to her with a smile. "You missed his speech. It was absolutely lovely," I add, mocking her from our initiation day. She had talked about Jake's speech for days.

She gives me a nasty face and hits my arm. "That is why you're a rat," she says, smiling. Then without warning her demeanour changes and she puts on a serious face. She straightens up and picks up a gun, flipping it over and peeking into the barrel.

I scratch my head. "You _do_ know that's loaded, right?"

But I know that she does. Our father taught us to be keen to the difference in weight of a loaded vs. an unloaded gun. I'm just not sure why she's peeking into it. When she realizes that I'm blankly staring at her she says, "Act natural doofus. They're coming over here."

I take a quick glance behind me only to see Rae lean in close to Jake's ear. He simply smiles and nods at whatever it is that she says to him. It's strange, seeing him smile like that. When she turns to walk over to us I mimic Anna, pretending to be completely fascinated by the guns in front me. But Rae isn't stupid. She already knows we were talking about her.

"What are you two up to?" she asks us with a smirk, leaning her right hand on the table.

"Alex is being a doofus, and I am dancing inside because the sweet smell of love and reconciliation fill the air. Now how exactly did _that_ happen?" Annabelle says, smiling.

"We talked," Rae says with a shrug. "All day and then all night actually. And there's still so much we haven't talked about. There's just so much to say."

"I told you so," I say, grinning. "I specifically recall telling you that Jake was being an asshole because he was overcompensating." I had told her so the night when they had caught me, after I snuck out and went to Amity to see Abigail for her birthday. "I'm a guy, Rae," I add. "We speak the same language."

"Well you weren't right about everything," she says, picking up a knife and gently tracing her finger against the edge of it. "I yelled at him but he didn't _just_ kiss me."

"Ew," Anna says, almost smiling.

"Just how hard did you yell?" I ask.

"Before or during?"

"Oh my God," Anna wails and she brings her left palm to her face. "Thanks Rae. Now I have a mental picture of _that_ stuck in my head."

"Well whatever mental picture you have created baby sister, I assure you that it was _so_ much better than that," Rae says, smiling.

I laugh as the sound of retching echoes over the noise of the busying Dauntless as Anna fake vomits over the guns. "Hey, I just cleaned those," I yell jokingly.

"Anyways, you guys. Finish up. We're leaving soon," Rae says, her face suddenly becoming serious. "I gotta get going. But you two take care of yourselves today, ok?" She stuffs the knife in her back pocket before giving us both a hug. "I love you," she says.

"We love you too, Rae," we say.

She walks back over to Jake, and taking his hand she leads him out of the Pit. Beside me, Anna stares off at the stack of guns, her face falling even deeper than before. I could imagine why. As much as we laugh and joke and try to have a normal morning, it's _not_ a normal morning. It's the last bit of quiet before we upset everything that we have ever known. It is our last safe step. We are at the edge.

I carefully place a hand on my sister's shoulder.

"Hey, you ok?" I ask.

"No," she says frankly.

"It's gonna be ok," I say to her assuredly. "We're ready for this."

"It's not that," she says, shaking her head.

"Then what is it?"

She's quiet for a while. "It's about Chris. You can't tell mom and dad," she then says. She looks at me and confusion fills my face as I see the worry etched on hers. If my little brother is in trouble how could I _not_ say something?

"Anna-"

"Promise me," she demands. "He made me promise."

* * *

 **A/N: Not a long or super hype chapter, but a necessary transition. Please let me know what you guys thought of it! And thanks so much for your reviews on the last one :)**  
 **Several of you have asked if I'll be writing another story when Divergent Love Stories is over. As of right now, I know I'll definitely do Rae's short story, and after that I really want to do at least one more, though it definitely won't be as long. It all depends on how much I get stung by the writing Bee :) but many of you have been so supportive and I appreciate it so much. I would not have been able to find the drive to finish even just one story if it weren't for your kind and faithful reviews and PMs :) Much love.**


	46. Chapter 46

**46\. Insurgence – Part 1**

 **TOBIAS**

The earth shakes as countless factionless soldiers and every able Dauntless man and woman storm through the streets of the city. The pounding of our feet against the broken pavement is thunderous and it echoes like a chorus, ringing out even when we've arrived at the front door of our destination.

Zeke charges in first, taking the majority of our squadron with him. Christina leads the second pack, securing the perimeter of the building. I stand to listen for gunshots but thankfully there are none. The Erudite, as far as I know, are unarmed and I was very clear to my mother about the terms of our alliance.

Not before long I hear a signature whistle, signalling that the first wave has successfully commandeered the building. It's our turn to storm through. I give my wife and daughters one last glance before it all begins. We have separate missions.

"Be careful," I say to them all. Tris pushes up on her toes and gives me a small kiss before pulling away and heading inside the building. Rae and Annabelle follow behind her. The boys are with me.

"Let's do this," Alex says with a small smile and a nod. I chuckle. I'm glad to see that he looks a little more expectant than he had earlier today.

We step through the large doors, and for the first time in my life I walk through the pearly white halls of Erudite headquarters with a smirk on my face. Everyone has been too eager since we won over Dauntless. I'm not so relaxed, knowing that although we have the element of surprise, so does Victor. But I _am_ more than just glad that this is finally happening.

With outstretched arms I push open the familiar double doors and I take my usual seat around the round table. Alex comes to a stop at my right and Jake at my left. All heads turn in our direction, every pair of eyes is wide and fear-stricken. I signal for the two Dauntless soldiers who had taken the room to leave us. When they do, confusion is thick in the room and every single council member gawps at me, perplexed.

"Jacob?" Victor seethes at his son. It's only now that I realize that the two look nothing alike. "What is the meaning of this?" Slowly he rises from his chair, pressing his hands hard into the table.

"In case you haven't noticed, we've taken the building," Jake says.

" _We?"_ Victor interrupts tersely.

"We," Jake replies. "The Dauntless whom you have manipulated, and the factionless whom you have discarded. And we've done so because we believe it's time to make a few changes around here. Wouldn't you agree, Four?"

"I most certainly do," I say levelly.

"Like what?" Victor says as he scowls. The remaining council members keep quiet, like a withheld breath. Their wide eyes are still fixed on me.

"Where do I begin?" Jake says. "How about the idea that it's ok to force people to wear a shoe that doesn't fit because the system that we all seem to worship says that that's how things must be done."

"What are you talking about?" asks Hana, a Candor representative, head of the council.

"He's talking about a system that segregates, supresses, and then says that one group is more deserving than another," Alex says, folding his arms.

"Are you suggesting that we get rid of our city's faction system? The system that has kept us peaceful for over a hundred years?" Hana asks. I don't miss the troubling grin on Victor's face.

"It's not a suggestion," I say. "In case you haven't noticed, we're not giving you a choice. We're taking the city. You have the option to adapt or not, but I strongly suggest that you do. And I can almost promise you that you _will_ after all the facts are laid out in front of you."

"You are overthrowing us?" Hana asks calmly. It almost doesn't sound like a question.

Victor's grin morphs into a laugh and he says, "Thank you for demonstrating to the council _exactly_ why we need to authorize getting rid of people like you! This is the work of Divergents and their sympathisers!" he yells, pointing at me.

"Oh, but you've been looking for Divergents for a long time now without the council's permission. Haven't you, Victor?" Jake says, taking a step closer to his father. "I think you're planning to get rid of them with or without authorization."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Son," Victor says, but it's like he was born for Candor, and his deceit is written all over his face.

"Oh, don't play dumb." Jake pulls his gun and points it in Victor's direction, who in turn gives him a look of disbelief.

"You wouldn't," Victor says.

"You think I'd hesitate to kill you? After you never hesitated to kill my mother?"

A scowl begins to form on Victor's face but he tries to hide it. He searches Jake's eyes and so do I. In them I see a familiar drive, a familiar hatred. I know what it's like to want to kill your own father, but I don't think it would help. If anything it's a burden, one step closer to becoming the monster you hate. It's the only reason I never killed Marcus. I rose above him. And if it is that Victor must die today, I'll be sure to kill him myself before I let Jake.

"That's not true, Jacob," Victor says tensely. "Your mother was killed in the storm. You know that."

"Cut the crap!" Jake yells. "I saw you. We both know there was no storm."

Victor is silent but I notice when his body tenses. He glances at me for a bit before his eyes return to Jake. He is probably wondering how much his son knows, and how exactly did he come to know it.

"You're one of them," he eventually says. "Just like _she_ was."

Jake doesn't respond but he lets out a deep breath. "Tell them," he says, gesturing toward the other members of the council. "Tell them that the storm was a story the Erudite concocted to cover up the fact that they had murdered half of Abnegation."

"That is absurd," Hana inputs, suddenly rising to her feet. "I remember the storm like it was yesterday. We all do." And the council members all nod in agreement as they exchange brief and hushed chatters between themselves.

"That's because it's a memory they implanted in your head using a serum that they developed right in this very building," I explain. "Have you never wondered why everyone uses the same words to describe the storm, and why everybody knows the same details and nothing more? Or better yet, why is it that no one can tell you what they were doing during the storm? But I bet that you can tell me exactly where you were and what you were doing just before it hit."

"It was late evening. I was preparing dinner," Hana answers confidently.

"And _then_ what happened?"

"The storm hit," she says. "It was horrible-"

And before she continues to recite the words that I had heard over and over again I say, "I know all about the storm. I'm asking you about _you_. What did _you_ do during the storm, Hana? Where did you seek shelter? Who were you with?"

She opens her mouth as if to begin to speak but then she shakes her head slowly, trying to filter out the details in her mind. She looks everywhere yet at nothing as she looks for the answer deep in her memories, but I already know that it's not there. She looks at me, looking for an answer and giving me one all at the same time.

"Exactly," I say to her. "And that is because even in all her genius, Jeanine Matthews simply could not fabricate individual memories for every single person in this city. So she just created a story that excluded the need for such details, one that was focused on the storm itself instead of on the people she was brainwashing."

"What you are saying is ridiculous and simply impossible," Victor hurriedly interrupts me. "You are a member of this body of government and you have the audacity to storm into this building, accuse my faction of such ludicrous things, and then demand that the council surrender its leadership to you?!"

I almost snicker when I see the look on Hana's face when her eyes lock on mine, and then on Victor's.

"Don't lie in front of the Candor, Victor. They'll know," I say. "And in a little while everyone else will know when the evidence of it walks through those doors. So we're just gonna sit here and wait."

For a second his dark eyes are like daggers, but when the double doors to the conference room swing open his dread morphs into a sickly arrogant glare. "Oh you mean the evidence that you sent the women to retrieve?" he says.

Two men in Erudite blue walk into the room, holding my wife and daughter at gunpoint. It instantly brings me to my feet. Alex gives me a questioning look but I don't keep my eyes off Tris and Rae. We have soldiers in every inch of this building. They should have never been caught.

I mentally yell for Tris to look at me but she doesn't, and there's a cross look on her face. Her jaw is clenched tight the way it only is when she's at her wrath's peak. And I battle between confusion and horror, conjecturing the possible reasons as to why Annabelle isn't with them. But then more uncertainties arise when I see a familiar face walk in behind them.

"Caleb," I whisper to myself. And as apprehensive as I was about where his loyalty lies, in that moment it seems absurd that Caleb would betray us, that he'd betray Tris. But yet he has. Hasn't he?

"What did you do to him?!" Tris screams across the room and the sound of her angry cry makes my fists clench.

"Thank you, Caleb. You can leave us now," Victor says calmly. Caleb nods, but he looks around the room in confusion before he leaves. Tris' pained eyes follow him as he does, and I quickly sense that there is more to this than meets the eye.

"Drop the gun, Jacob," Victor commands strongly. He stands with a straight back and with his chin in the air now that control of the room has changed hands. "Or I'll have them shoot her," he adds, and he glances at Rae. Jake's fingers squeeze around the handle of the gun and his face hardens, but he obeys. Free of restraint as the weapon is retreated, Victor slowly walks over to my wife and I want to tear him away from her.

"What did you do to my brother?!" Tris demands again.

"What makes you think I had to do anything?" Victor replies nonchalantly. "Your brother is loyal to our principles. Faction before blood. The same cannot be said of you."

"You're a liar! He would _never_ betray me! He doesn't even know who I am," Tris says, fearlessly leaning into Victor's face.

"You're lying, Victor," Hana says, seething through her teeth. "You are lying and they are not. So you can cut the act and stop insulting us." Victor should know that nothing escapes Hana's all-seeing Candor eye.

He turns around. "Well if you are so assured of that, I suppose there is no need for duplicity," he says, addressing the room. "And to be honest it's quite an interesting story. See you thought I was oblivious to who you were, Tobias," and he points at me. My body becomes rigid at the sound of my name in his mouth. "And I continued to let you believe that. I chose to reveal that we had retrieved information that you thought had been destroyed. But I did so two years after we had actually found it, two years after I discovered who you were and had identified that Caleb Prior was your brother-in-law. And knowing that you would seek him out, I made him lead you off my trail."

"You brainwashed him!" Tris yells, heedless to the gun pointed at her. It makes my palms sweat.

"He left me no choice," Victor says calmly, and I want to rip his throat out. "When I had him followed, my men caught him interfering with very sensitive data concerning the memory serum. I'm still unsure how he managed to unlock that information or to what extent he had intended to use the knowledge that he had acquired, but his meddling was enough for me to construe that he was still your ally and that I could not trust him."

Victor scans our faces. I don't know what he's hoping to see. I remain expressionless.

"I couldn't kill him or it would make you suspicious. So I made him forget that he had found that particular information, and then yesterday I made him forget _you_ ," he says to Tris. "I told him that you were a traitor of this city, since that is in fact what you are."

Tris' eyes follow Victor as he walks back and forth and I see her fists clench by her side, squeezing the blood from her knuckles.

"I only found him because Jeanine seemed to have had a very special obsession with Beatrice Prior and Tobias Eaton," Victor carries on. "I recognized the name Prior from my serum staff and I discovered that Caleb Prior was in fact Beatrice Prior's brother and that Beatrice Prior is now Tris Eaton, married to Tobias Eaton. Imagine my surprise when I discover that Tobias Eaton is in fact none other than Four, Representative of Dauntless to the council and son of Marcus Eaton, former leader of the Abnegation, the faction that was harbouring Divergents. You left quite a paper trail," he says to me. I scowl at him. He's assuming Marcus and I were working together, and that I had transferred to Dauntless as part of some bigger plan. My only plan was to get away. I haven't said a word to Marcus since he retired.

"Then at the choosing ceremony I had the privilege of personally meeting your children," Victor says. "Born the same year the new inter-factionary council was set up by your father. How very interesting."

"So you uncovered our family tree," my son says, standing tall. "You want a trophy for that? We didn't bring any."

"You'd be smart to teach your son some respect," Victor says to me.

"I'm a jackass that way," says Alex with a smug look on his face.

"He gives respect when it's due," I say haughtily, defending my son. Maybe Tris is right and Alex _did_ get that side of himself from me. "You were saying?" I seethe at Victor, ushering him on. The other council members listen attentively.

Victor scoffs and says, "I knew I couldn't rely on the council to support my actions, so I surrounded myself with the more enlightened members of Erudite and together we have successfully infiltrated all five factions. Getting into Candor was tricky, given their initiation process," and he nods at Hana who is staring at him crossly. "But with much effort, we managed to create an antidote for the truth serum. Infiltrating Dauntless was especially effortless, so I had arranged for my son to invigilate you because I could not say if you and your father were members of this council because you were developing something bigger or simply because you were trying to protect your kind." He pauses shortly and then he says, "To be honest, though I rightly assumed that you did, because of your dormancy it was still unclear to me whether or not you had any memory at all of Jeanine's attack."

"You seem to be unsure about a lot of things. I thought you were supposed to be a genius," Alex taunts, shifting his weight from one leg to the other.

Jake laughs and says, "He isn't. Up until today he had no idea that I was immune to the memory serum."

"It slipped by me," Victor says. "You're a fine pretender. If I had known I never would have sent you to Dauntless."

"You never sent me anywhere," Jake rebuts. "I left."

"You betrayed your own father."

"You betrayed your own wife!"

"Women are a hindrance, Jacob!" Victor yells. "You'd be wise to remember that. It's why you couldn't complete your task. Remember?" And he turns to look at my daughter. My fists clench even tighter.

"If you even touch her," Jake snarls, his fingers squeezing the gun in his hand.

"I won't," Victor says with a perverse smile. "I don't have to. In fact, she's the only one out of all of you that will be left standing when this little exchange is over."

And I feel something sour rise up in my throat. In that moment I realize that Victor would not have revealed all the information that he just did unless he was planning to eventually render us powerless. He is planning to kill us all, although I don't know how. And Rae is the only one of us who isn't Divergent.

"What are you up to, Victor?" I ask with terrified curiosity.

He laughs at this. "At first I was attempting to perfect Jeanine's memory serum," he says, excited. "You see, because of my late wife I knew that there were flaws in its composition that allowed for some to be unaffected, though at the time it was unknown to me on what scale. After retrieving Jeanine's information, we had broken down the serum even to its core elements in an attempt to modify and rebuild it. However, the substance became unstable in any other form and I was unsuccessful."

"Of course you were. If Jeanine couldn't figure it out, what makes you think _you_ could?" Alex jeers.

"Still," Victor says to Alex, "I have seen her logic, young boy, and I have taken it upon myself to finish her work and to eradicate all of _you_ with a very special serum of my own."

Victor looks almost proud of himself. As if he is doing such a great justice to the world. But before the day is done, I will rid the world of him the same way we rid it of Jeanine Matthews.

"I was informed that a Dauntless army was planning on coming here today," he says, looking at Jake. "Although, I didn't expect to see you here, Jacob. I was told that you were injured."

"I heal quickly," Jake says. "You used to take advantage of that fact. Remember?"

"Well I would have preferred to keep you alive, Son. But since you seem to have no regard for my life, then I will have no regard for yours," Victor says. And just then, a young woman dressed in blue comes walking in with what appears to be a detonator. Rae and Alex seem to recognize her, and with a crude smile Victor says, "You missed one."

Jake curses at his father and he snarls, "I knew it!"

Alex just stands there, with his mouth half open.

"Thank you, Stacy."

Victor takes the detonator in his hands and he smiles at it, as if it were his favourite childhood toy.

"Since you're all here under one roof," he says. "It's given me the perfect opportunity to debut my serum. So no, Jacob, I won't physically hurt your precious woman. Instead, when I push this button, it will release a serum throughout all the vents in this building. A serum that is like venom to the Divergent mind. It will kill all of you, leaving her untouched."

I see Tris calculating the distance between herself and the detonator. She comes to the same conclusion I do. She's not close enough to take it from him without risking detonation.

"And after she watches everyone that she loves dies," Victor adds, "Unlike the other people in this room, I will allow her to keep her memories and I'll watch as she goes crazy until I become unbearably bored. And _then_ I will kill her."

I become tense. All the muscles in my fingers long to wrap themselves around Victor's neck at his sick proposition, but Jake laughs at it. It's a sincere laugh, one that catches me by surprise.

"You stupid bastard," Jake says. "You obviously don't know a damn thing about her if you think she'd give you the pleasure."

Behind her tears I see a smile creep up on Rae's face and a look of pride on Jake's. He admires her strength. So do I. And after today, if we don't survive this, she'll need more of it than I could ever imagine. Losing her family is her worst fear.

"Well I guess I'll find out," Victor says, emotionless.

"Let me go to them," Tris says suddenly, in what I can only assume to be a final attempt at getting closer to the detonator. But then she says, "At least let me die with my family." Her voice falters. I realize she wants to die in my arms, the way we had promised each other.

In our plans we would go off together, old and grey, hand in hand. It is not something that we had asked of life. It is something that we had demanded of it. We may not be old and grey now, but at least we'd be able to go off into the unknown together, and with our son.

"No, Beatrice," Victor says lightly. "You are not in a position to make demands." And his thumb presses down on the detonator.

My heart beats at a steady pace in the presence of death. I begin to pray that Annabelle for some reason has left the building, and that Rae will find a way to get through such a great loss the way she did before, that Christian and Abigail will be ok, and that Zeke and the others will all finish what we have started today.

My fingers twitch, anxious to grab at the gun tucked away in my back, knowing that even if it is with my last breath, a bullet will find itself lodged in the head of Victor Shepherd.

I look over at my wife and at my son and at my daughter, and our eyes speak for us. "I love you," they say. And then clouds of dark purple fill the air from every angle, come to take us away.

* * *

 **A/N: Please don't kill me! This was** _ **not**_ **intentional. I swear I didn't even realize that this story had that many cliff-hangers. *Hangs head* Still… Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)**


	47. Chapter 47

**47\. Insurgence - Part 2**

 **ALEX**

I breathe in the purple fog as if it were a breath of fresh Amity air. I'm not suicidal, just hopeful, I guess. And that hope doesn't fail me when I find that instead of bursting into flames or slowly fading off into blackness, I stand strong and unscathed. The serum does nothing.

With a wide grin I begin a loud, slow clap even before the fog has cleared. "That was impressive," I say sarcastically. "That's some real dangerous serum you got there, Victor."

Victor's angry eyes bounce around the room in confusion, wondering how it is that we are, in fact, not dead. I see my parents smile at each other and Rae lets out a deep breath and then a light chuckle. Jake just stares at the floor and smiles.

"How is this possible?!" Victor yells, and I almost want to laugh at him. I'm not sure what went wrong, but as far as evil geniuses go, he seems to be somewhere south of competent.

At first nobody moves, but then the guards that were holding my mother and sister at gunpoint both lower their weapons for some reason. They look around the room with an unreadable expression on their faces and so do the six council members sitting at the large round table, and there's a strange ambience in the room, though I can't quite tell what it is.

Just then, breaking the silence, I hear the quiet squeaking of metal hinges as my twin sister and little brother push through the large double doors to the conference room, accompanied by my uncle Caleb.

"Beatrice," my uncle cries out, and she turns around.

My mother's eyes open wide. Not at her brother who only ten minutes ago didn't recognize her, but at her nine year old son who had covertly incorporated himself in our hostile takeover.

"Christian, what are you doing here?!" my mother almost screams. With dread on her face she stands stiff, locked in place. From shock, most likely. But my father crosses the room in a heartbeat.

"I wanted to help," Chris says firmly as he walks toward her. "And I knew how I could." He goes on to explain, "After I thought about it some more I realized that if the memory serum indeed works the same way the simulations do then its effect should also be able to come to an end. If it doesn't happen spontaneously, then it can be induced. And I knew that if _I_ had figured that out, then so did Uncle Caleb. And then I immediately knew that something had to have been wrong for him not to have told us that. The only explanation I could have come up with that accounts for him lying to us for so long was if he himself had fallen victim to the memory serum. So I came here to save him." He shrugs. "Annabelle and I went for the antidote and we gave it to him. I was going to leave immediately afterwards but then Uncle Caleb told us about the death serum, so we switched it with the antidote for the memory serum. Everybody in the building should have their memories back."

My eyes scan around again and that's when I figure out what the heaviness in the room is; it's bewilderment. The lie of the storm has been exposed and I begin to smile, but then I don't. I can't imagine what it's like waking up after living a lie for seventeen years. Just finding out that my mother was the Tooth Fairy was enough to devastate me. Something of this magnitude must be nothing short of horrifying.

Crouching, my mother grabs my little brother's face and says, "Baby, you could have been hurt! You could have been killed!"

"I was safe. Annabelle was with me," Chris says to her quietly. She looks up at my twin sister who in turn gives her a small apologetic smile. She turns to look at me too knowing that I must have known also. I press my lips together. There's nothing to say after you've agreed to escort your little brother into a potential warzone. It's a reckless thing to do and neither of us would have forgiven ourselves if anything had happened to him. But Anna would have protected Chris with her life if it came to it. Our mother knows that. And I know that she also knows that if Anna hadn't slipped off to help Chris when she did, she would have been caught with her and Rae and we would have all been dead by now. I smile a little and shake my head. My little brother just saved us all. He may have just saved this city.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Mom," Chris says sincerely. "But you wouldn't have let me come."

And I wonder what nine year old in their right mind would be crazy enough to do what my little brother did today. But that's Christian; selfless and brave and smart. My mother grabs him and wraps her arms around him, and he squeezes her just as tight. But their brief moment of affection is interrupted by the guttural sound of Victor's growling.

"How could _you_ , a mere child, have figured that out?" Victor snarls at Christian, and my mother steps protectively in front of him, and then my father steps in front of _her_.

"You know what your problem is, Victor?" I tersely say to the mad psychopath. My inner asshole seems to be on overdrive today. "You imprudently underestimate women and children. It'll be your undoing."

In all his Erudite glory he has been outwitted by a child; a Dauntless child.

Victor's face burns red with fury; a dangerous fury. All that is left is for him to foam at the mouth. He screams angrily and he moves so quickly that I almost don't see when he grabs the gun from the guard beside him. Jake yells an incoherent yell as he lifts his own gun, but he's too late.

The first shot is fired from Victor's gun and time slows down as my eyes follow the first bullet as it begins to take course.

My head spins around at the sound of the second shot, fired from my father's gun.

My eyes fall to the floor at the sound of metal crashing against tile as Jake's gun falls from his limp fingers.

And my head spins again when over the sound of Victor choking on his own blood I hear Annabelle cry out, but it's Rae who falls to the floor in a heavy heap.

It all happened in a second. It all happened all at once.

"Rae!" my mother screams piercingly. And everybody else is rushing to her, screaming her name, slapping her face and pressing into her wound.

And I'm just standing there.

"I need to take her to our medical facility. _Now_!" My uncle yells, forcefully pressing a hand into my sister's side. She's not moving. "I'll take care of Rae. You all need to find Hector."

My uncle's words break my father out of his panic as he holds Rae's face in his hands. "Where _is_ Hector?" he asks quickly, his eyebrows raised. Hector is Victor's second on the council. We didn't even take notice of his absence.

"Victor manipulated the entire staff," my uncle Caleb says, rushed. "They've constructed a machine to release the Divergent death serum around the entire city. Yesterday Victor had it relocated into one of the buildings nearby, but I don't know which. Maybe since everyone has their memories back they'll help us. But if Hector isn't in the building then we need to find him."

Behind me, Stacy lets out a scoff and then she smiles wickedly. I suddenly want to break her teeth.

Out of nowhere, I finally find the strength to move my body and in a quick second I pin her hard against the wall. It takes every bit of will to not smash a fist into her hideous face. It didn't even take her a day to trade in her black clothes for blue ones. But then again, she was never really one of us. She was an imposter this whole time. I now see that Jake had suspected so. That's why he kept trying to get her kicked out. And I now wish that Annabelle had slaughtered her when she had the chance.

"What the hell are you smiling at?" I growl viciously at the inhumane, grotesque Dauntless-Erudite bastard child.

"You didn't really think it was gonna be that easy did you?" she says.

"Where is it?" Jake says suddenly, rising to his feet and crossing the room in a few large steps. He retrieves his gun off the floor and clicks the bullet. He is in no state of mind to exercise restraint, and to be honest I am in no state of mind to ask him to. And I'm almost sure that he'll put a bullet in her head but then Stacy says, "You can't kill me. I'm the only other person who knows where it is and Hector's already on his way."

"Where is it!" Jake yells at her.

"I hope you all die!" Stacy yells back. And with a vicious scream and tears in her eyes my mother begins to cross the room, her eyes locked on her target. Stacy gasps in panic, knowing that if Jake doesn't kill her, my mother definitely will.

"Tris!" my father yells, grabbing her by the arm. "She's not worth it. Take Christian and go somewhere safe." My mother tries to pull away. "Tris," my father pleads again. This time she yields.

"Caleb, take Rae," my father commands, and lifting my sister off the floor my uncle heads through the doors. It proves to be an unbearable thing to watch, but yet I can't seem to look away. I stare at the double doors even after it's closed behind them. "The rest of us need to split up and find Hector," my father continues. He places a firm hand on my shoulder. It comforts me. It wakes me up. "We can't let him release that serum," he says.

"Let us help you," Hana insists. She and the other council members all step forward. My father nods.

"Someone needs to watch her," Jake then says, his eyes squared in on Stacy. He pays no regard to his father's dead body.

"I'll watch her," Annabelle says, standing to her feet, stained in tears and our sister's blood. I've never seen Annabelle be cruel, but if there was ever a day that she would be, it's today.

"See if you can get her to talk. And don't go easy on her this time," Jake snarls.

"Oh, I won't."

Backing away, I leave Stacy at the expended mercy of my sister. I press my lips together and driving the weakness out of me, forcing the image of Rae in my uncle's arms out of my thoughts, I summon the will to finish this mission.

My mother takes my brother and everyone else splits up, and as I rush through the Erudite corridors I quickly realize that Victor didn't have to manipulate _everybody_. There is a band of Erudite supremacists and faction loyalists, storming the halls and trying to fight the Dauntless and factionless. But it makes no sense. They are severely outnumbered and their leader is dead. Why would they be fighting us?

 _It's a distraction_ , I realize. They're trying to keep us inside the building, which means that Hector is _not_. That makes finding him all the more difficult because even when we _do_ get outside, we don't have enough time to search every floor of every nearby building. The only way to get there in time is to know exactly where he went. But how would we…

"The cameras!" I shout to myself before I even complete my unspoken question.

I run through every hallway and I barge through every door until I find it; their control room. I dash through it, looking for something, anything that resembles a main computer. But before I even catch sight of it I hear a familiar voice yell, "Over here!" I follow it and I come to a halt at my father's back.

Using their main computer, he's tapped into the Dauntless security system. I watch as on the large screen he brings up every camera within a mile radius of Erudite headquarters, and he swiftly scans through yesterday's feed.

"There!" he then shouts, pointing to one of the feeds on the left. "That's where it is."

"How do you know?" I ask. "I didn't see anyone."

"They assumed we'd be watching them keenly yesterday, and we were," my father says quickly. "There is a one second glitch in this feed. They tampered with the camera in order to get in and out of the building without being seen. Whoever was watching the feed yesterday probably didn't even notice."

I recognize the old, broken down building that he points at on sight and I say, "I know where that is. We need to get there _now_."

My father nods as he stands and he says, "I do too. It won't be easy. They're trying to keep us inside."

"I know," I say. Then I suggest, "We have to split up, find an exit."

"I'll find the exit," my father says to me, pressing his gun into my hand. "I know this building top to bottom. You head to the roof. If you catch sight of Hector or that machine you know what to do. Don't hesitate."

I nod determinedly. "I won't." Then my father and I storm out of the room and we run in opposite directions.

The Erudite headquarters is like a labyrinth and I struggle to find my way around it, but when I see a lone door at the end of a long hallway, heavily guarded, I know I'm at the right place. The Erudite are smart, which means that they can anticipate your next move and strengthen their vulnerable points as necessary. But I am Dauntless, and war is our specialty.

Five men, armed, stand between me and access to the roof. I can't get any closer. The corridor is too long and they'd shoot me before I was ever close enough to even make out their faces. It's a painful use of five bullets in a gun that holds six, and it won't be enough to injure them. I have to take them all out. But it's a necessary evil if I want to get to that roof. And I need to get to that roof.

Maybe on a different day I would have taken an extra second to come up with a way to get past them all without killing them. But not today.

I fire and it's an easy shot five times. I tear through the corridor, not stopping to look at their bodies as I pull open the door and run up the stairs, chasing the light at the end of it.

As I step out into the open the wind hits my face, hard, and I almost stumble backwards. But I steady my quick steps, letting them take me to the very edge of the rooftop. My eyes peer around every building, looking for any sign of movement, and that's when I see him, Hector, running at full speed towards the same tall, broken down building from the camera footage. I see my father, Uncle Zeke, and a few factionless soldiers race through the streets, but they didn't get out of the building quick enough to be able to catch him.

With only a few seconds left to spare before Hector is safely inside the building, I grab my gun. I have one bullet and a moving target. Even in the midst of my fear my hands must be steady, my aim must be perfect. This is the moment I've been trained for. This one shot. This one crucial shot.

In less than a second I take into account the speed at which Hector is running, and I calculate exactly where his head will be in the amount of time it takes my bullet to cross the wide space between us, not dare failing to factor in wind speed and direction.

A voice whispers in my head. _Inhale. Aim. Exhale. Fire._

It is my father's voice.

I shoot. Hector's head whips forward and his body falls to the ground.

In a quick second, my father looks up at the roof at the sound of the bullet and I give him a thumbs up. The factionless soldiers begin to cheer wildly and as far away as I am, I can see my father exhale. My uncle Zeke raises a high fist in the air, a sign of our victory, and he smiles and points a strong finger at me.

I did it.

I should feel triumphant but I don't. The battle is over but today still isn't. For all I know, my sister may not be alive. And I feel as my weakness begins to crawl its way back inside me. I let it. I run down the stairs to go find my family and I feel as it pulls me under. Every step I take is difficult. Every breath I take is difficult.

Today was supposed to be easy. Today was supposed to be redemption day.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you so much to the guest reviewer who's been reviewing along the way! :D Although you probably won't see this until another couple days from now lol This fic is powered by reviews so, thank you :) And to my faithful reviewers also.**  
 **Please let me know what you guys thought of this chapter!**


	48. Chapter 48

**48\. Holding on**

 **ALEX**

The hospital at Erudite headquarters smells like chemicals and antiseptic, almost gritty in my nose. Erudite doctors and nurses and random passers-by all stand in frightened clusters trying to make sense of the collection of memories that have only just now resurfaced in their heads. Others try to be more composed but there is evident perplexity in their eyes as they tend to the frantic wounded. I walk around them just as frantically looking for my family.

When I do find them I almost wish I never did.

Everybody's quiet with blank looks and long faces. Jake is sitting slumped in the chair with his head in his hands. My father has his arms crossed and his back against the wall while my mother is pacing back and forth like Anna does when she's nervous. Chris is quiet, hunching himself into a corner and Annabelle is crying into her lap. It's a dismal scene, to say the least. I don't recognize any of it.

We are the Eatons. We are the family that has everything we could ever need, everything we could ever want. We are the family that everybody wishes they had. All of Dauntless could be up in flames and we would still find a reason to be content. Our reason, I realize now, was always that we had each other. And I only realize it now because now life threatens to take one of us away.

We just stopped a madman and saved the city. We should be shouting and jumping and drinking. Yet here we are, wrecked, and none of us can breathe.

I feel ridiculously self-conscious when I walk into the room although no one is looking at me. I take a seat beside Annabelle and as I do she looks up at me with tear-stained eyes and whispers, "It should have been me," and it feels like there's a fifty pound weight hanging from my chest.

"Don't say that," I whisper back, because it should have been _me_. _I_ caused this. I pull Anna into me and she rests her head on my chest.

I've lost count of the amount of times we've danced with death in the past three days alone, but never in any of those times did I feel the way I do now. Is it that I was so arrogant to believe that we were untouchable? That we could take on a city and walk out unscathed? No. It's not that. It's that I had already decided that if anyone were to die at the end of this war, it should be me.

"But-," Anna starts. "No," I say softly, shaking my head, cutting her off. "No." And it's all that I can say.

Just then the door opens and everybody jumps to their feet in an instant. My uncle Caleb walks out and my chest hurts. Every step he takes ties a knot in my stomach, making me feel sick all of a sudden. Never in my life did I ever think that I could be afraid to the point of physical pain.

He looks at us with troubled eyes and we all stare back, holding our breaths.

There's a crippling nervousness when you're waiting for news that could change your whole life. It's almost like you stop breathing and your heart stops beating, like you're suspended in mid-air. Everything stops. Everything.

"Talk to us, Caleb," my father says quietly.

My uncle holds the back of his neck and he says, "The bullet didn't hit any vital organs, but it nicked a major artery. She lost a significant amount of blood… and her heart stopped. We were able to bring her back and repair the artery, but…," he pauses.

"But what, Caleb?" my mother asks. He doesn't answer. "But what?" she screams.

He swallows. "She was in a hypoxic state for longer than we would have liked. It's difficult to determine the extent of the damage at this point, but she is in a coma. We just have to do our best and see how she evolves from here," he says.

"When will she wake up?" my mother whimpers.

My uncle steps forward and places a hand on my mother's shoulder and says, "Beatrice, they don't know if she will."

And I feel a sudden throbbing and the room starts to spin around me. It's strange how a word, a phrase, a sentence, can feel like a blow to the head.

"Let me go to her!" my mother yells.

"You can't go in yet, Beatrice," my uncle says.

Still, my mother slips past my uncle and runs toward the door, but there's a large man blocking her path. She stands in front of him, sizing him up. He'd be a fool to underestimate my mother because of her size. She could drop him to the floor easily, despite the foot and seventy pounds he has on her.

She tries to push past him but my father grabs her tight by the waist and she thrashes in his arms. "Let me go!" she screams as she fights him. Then her thrashing turns into yelling and then sobbing and then she collapses, my father with her.

"I just got her back," I hear Jake whisper behind me.

I feel my heartbeat accelerate inside my chest. I feel my muscles stiffen all at once. I feel my nerves and my body shutting down, but before I collapse, I run. I blink away the blur in my eyes and I run as far away from there as I can. I run back to the last place where I felt safe, and like a child afraid of the monsters in my closet I throw myself on my old bed and I hide under my covers. And for the second time in my adult life, I cry.

* * *

My father told me once that when something went wrong and it would hurt too much he would go out on the roof and try to replace the pain with fear. I think I understand that now. Fear is a momentary and superficial feeling. You can tame it, control it, or even hide it. But pain, the kind of pain that hurts your heart and your soul, it's relentless and profound. _It_ controls _you_.

So that night I climb up on the roof of the Dauntless compound. I swallow hard as the wind begins to hit my face and the city below me comes into view. I walk as close to the edge as I dare to go. Not long after, I hear footsteps behind me and then I see the silhouette of my father standing beside me. Together we look out at the city for a while.

"Is it helping?" he asks finally.

"Barely," I say. He places a comforting hand on my shoulder. I don't deserve it. "This is my fault."

"This is not your fault, Alex," he says.

"Of course it is. This only happened because I agreed to start a war because I couldn't get what I wanted." Like an obnoxious child.

My father looks at me and says, "You know that if you hadn't met Abigail when you did, we wouldn't have attacked. Victor would have released that death serum, killing us and every other Divergent in this city. We wouldn't have known what hit us. You saved this city in more ways than one, Alex. And your sister is proud of you. We all are."

But I didn't save the city. Chris did.

"And if she doesn't wake up?"

"Alex-"

"If she doesn't wake up," I cut him off before he says what I know he'll say. "How could I ever be happy?" I ask, staring back at him. We all say how strong Rae is. We all choose to believe that she'll come back from this. But deep down inside of us all, as far down as we've pushed it, there's the painful truth that things may not work out the way we hope they will.

"Because she'd want you to be. And because you deserve to be," my father says to me. But do I really? Do I not already have more than I need? After all the things that have been given to me, and I want to be happy on top of it all?

"What about Jake?" I ask. "Doesn't _he_ deserve to be with the woman he loves too?"

My father doesn't answer. Because we both know the answer to that question. Instead, he stares out into the blackness of the night and shaking his head he softly says, "Sometimes life just does what it wants to us… Sometimes the son of a bitch can be cruel."

* * *

That night I don't sleep. I only close my eyes and pretend to so that Abby would. I awake to what should have been my first morning of freedom, but all I feel is caged by guilt. Nobody blames me, but I do. Every time I look at Abby it makes me wonder if I've traded my sister for her and it makes me hate myself because Rae deserves better, because Abby deserves better.

And Abby tries to comfort me, she really does, but the tighter she holds me the more I realize that if Rae never wakes up Jake may never have this, and it makes me feel like I may have stolen everything he holds precious from him. When I leave my room and I see the agony on my mother's face it makes me feel like I may have blemished my family forever.

There's no escape. And one long, hard day becomes a long, hard week. It's like I'm trapped in an everlasting realm of torment and I refuse to be comforted. I don't think I deserve to be.

Abby's sister, Sarah, is brought over to the house after she got her memories back, although she doesn't remember much at all. Just that Abigail's father had died in the attack protecting them, making sure they had escaped. I guess that's a good death, a meaningful one. It seems to comfort Abigail somehow to know that her father never abandoned her, but that he loved her and died protecting her even before she was born.

My grandmother has moved in too. She helps around the house and does most of the cooking since most days my mom doesn't seem to want to do much of anything. Nobody does these days. The house feels full and some days I feel smothered. Other days when we sit together, we sit so closely to try and ease the crippling emptiness that Rae's absence provokes.

I try to keep myself busy. I walk the compound halls and hope that nobody recognizes me. I don't want to be asked how I am. I don't want to be asked about Rae. Most of all I don't want to be congratulated. After the Dauntless' memories were restored they saw me as some kind of hero. And I guess in a way I am. But I don't want to be a hero. I certainly don't feel like a hero.

My father and Zeke are out everyday releasing the antidote, faction by faction, trying to calm everybody down. The city is in an uproar, but for what it's worth, it's the good kind of chaos; the kind of chaos that brings people together and forces them to put their differences aside. Soon they'll be able to enforce a new system, one where we'll be free to choose if we want to live in a faction or not. And the existing faction manifestos will be altered to lessen the possibility of future problems. No sixteen year old will ever again have to feel the way that Abby felt when she stood in front of those bowls.

Day after day the future of this city looks brighter and brighter. And that's a good thing. That's something I should be proud of. That's something Rae would want me to be proud of. I'm not sure if that should comfort me but it doesn't. Not yet at least.

It's hard. But I know that she wouldn't have it any other way. I know that she'd fight for me and jump in front of a bullet to save Annabelle all over again if she had to. I know she wouldn't want me to blame myself. And after I think about it for long enough I realize that I don't want her to wake up for me. I don't want her to wake up so that I can escape the pain, the guilt, the emptiness of losing her. I want her to wake up because she deserves to.

I kept waiting for my honourable moment, but maybe there's no one big moment in our lives in which we become honourable people. Maybe it's the thousands of little things; the simple decisions we make every day that get us there. And if there is anybody in this world who has made both small and great honourable decisions over and over again, it's Rae.

They move her from Erudite to Dauntless when she is stable enough. I go to see her every day but nothing ever changes. Every time I go in a million memories flood my mind. The day she taught me to jump on a train. The day she taught me how to throw a punch. The way she smiles at me when she calls me baby brother. The way she flicks my ear when I say something stupid.

Yesterday when I walked in her right hand was stretched out and I held it tight. I slid my thumb back and forth over the blazing sun tattooed there. It's like she was reminding me somehow.

Rae always says that after every sunrise there's a sunset. And after every sunset there's a sunrise. That life gets bad but then it gets better again. She says that in the hard times all we have to do is hold on until the sunrise, but no matter how long it takes, it _will_ come. So I'm holding on.

I'm waiting.

* * *

 **A/N: One more chapter left :(**


	49. Chapter 49

**49\. Daybreak**

 **TOBIAS**

In the weeks that follow I find that it is movement, not stillness, that helps to keep the distress at bay, so I try to keep myself busy as much as I can.

I find that if I push my body to its limit during the day I might actually manage to fall asleep that night, though still not with little effort. Most nights sleep evades us and Tris and I would just lie there, face to face. I'd hold her in my arms in silence and together we'd weather the night, awaiting the sunrise. It's without purpose, because the daylight hours are fraught with desolations of their own.

Most days I feel disconnected, the way I do now. It's like I am here without actually being here. Even when the city was all stirred up and the streets were loud with rampant chaos, I watched everyone else recover from the memory serum that had altered them as if from a great distance.

Zeke and I had organized a team charged with overseeing the strategic release of the antidote throughout the city. We were careful not to release it all at once, in an attempt to try and pacify the situation as best we could. Still, people were confused and horrified and angry, even the Amity. We had to plant soldiers around Erudite headquarters and put many of their leaders under protective custody. The truth was a horrible one, but killing every person dressed in blue was most definitely not the solution. Especially considering that the majority of the Erudite themselves were unknowing victims just the same. But one by one, faction by faction, we eventually managed to get the city under control.

The first thing we did after having captured everyone's attention was to try and let them understand or at least see the faults in our faction system. To no one's surprise, though there were those who saw the need for its expulsion, many didn't want to get rid of the faction system entirely and therefore demanded that we maintain some part of it integrated in our city's social structure. Striking a productive balance was testing, but after weeks of difficult negotiation and compromise between the council and the faction leaders, we managed to satisfy the vast majority of the city.

The factions no longer exist in the dictatorial sense in which they once did. All laws pertaining to intermingling and marriage and strict conformity to the faction have all been abolished. People are free to choose whether or not they want to live in a faction, and to even change factions at any time if they find themselves unhappy in the one they live in. And though most factions continue to specialize in a particular field, members of other factions are free to embark in work in whatever field they find interest.

We've also banned the aptitude tests for now, allowing people to find out who they are for themselves instead of letting a simulation decide for them. Maybe sometime in the future the generation that follows might be able to consult the test without the frightening sense of obligation that it once meant and still means for many of us, but for right now, in an attempt to bridge the divide between the factions and uproot the deeply ingrained ethics of factional living, we have limited segregation and encourage understanding and respecting the virtues of all. And more than to their factions, we encourage people to be true to themselves.

The government has suffered small adjustments in order to better suit the recent changes and needs of our city. But the council still remains, although now Hana has been elected President of the city. She offered me a place as her second, but I declined.

The factionless are now an official party of their own, with representation on the council and the right to an education, housing, a job and resources just like everyone else. My mother was especially ecstatic about that change. So much so that she stepped down from her position and Peter finally got his chance at leadership. I guess she was waiting until her dreams were realized before passing over the reins. I am truly glad she lived to see it.

The city is quiet now. We are all free and at peace. We even named it and had an inaugural ceremony. Some suggested that we call it The Last City, since we are all that's left of the world. But my youngest countered their suggestion, saying that we are not the ending of an old world, but the beginning of a new one. We are now officially The First City. Hana said she wouldn't be surprised if Christian turned out to be the next president. After all that he did, I think it would only be fitting.

Things are different now, better. One would think we would be celebrating. But we can't yet. And we won't. Not without Rae.

We've been waiting for six weeks, and every day that goes by and she doesn't wake up is harder than the day before it. Tris and I keep finding ourselves stifled by the company of others and then crippled by emptiness when they leave. We are terrified that we will lose our daughter and it doesn't let us sleep. It doesn't let us appreciate the new world we live in. Because we will have lost more than we have gained if we lose her.

Caleb, along with a small medical staff, moved into Dauntless to oversee her care. Dr. Jimenez has tried to keep us informed and constantly reminds us that things could go either way. Though she has stressed that the longer Rae stays under, the less likely it is that she'll wake up. But she's breathing on her own now and I'd like to think that's a good sign. It has to be.

As I walk toward the infirmary for my daily visit, I try to match my footsteps to my heartbeat. It paces me, encourages me to take each difficult step that I do. I stop by the door of her room and I shove my hands into my pockets to keep them from shaking.

It's never easy walking in there. Because there's always that picture in the back of my mind that when I push the door open I'll find her sitting up on the bed, and I know that every time I don't it will cripple me a little bit more.

Still, I take a deep breath and I push the door open, and walking past the entrance I see Jake. It's not to my surprise. He hasn't left Rae's side for all this time. All the changes that have happened in the city over the past few weeks and I doubt he's seen any of it. I had asked the nurse to keep a bed open for him at night because I didn't like that he was sleeping in the chair beside her bed. But he said no.

I understand it. There was a time, before our children were born, when Tris was all I had. If saving the world meant losing her, then the world would have perished.

"Jake. You should get some proper rest, son," I say, approaching him slowly. His hair is longer now and he's traded his Dauntless black for more comfortable clothes.

"I'm not leaving her," he says without turning to look at me. But I don't have to look into his eyes to know the sentiments that linger deep inside them. His longing for her is almost tangible in the room.

"Can you give me a minute with her?" I ask, placing a kind hand on his shoulder. Jake looks up at me and nods. His eyes are heavy and his face is stern. Undeniably sleep evades him too. He stands from the chair and with a soft kiss to Rae's forehead he exits the room, but I know he won't go too far.

I close the door behind him, and taking a seat in the chair there I just look at her for a while. She looks like she's asleep; expressionless. Maybe to the rest of Dauntless this is how she always looks, and they wouldn't find it strange to see her this way. But I've seen her smile, I've seen her laugh until her face was more than just flushed, I've seen her cry and I've seen her eyes wide with raw excitement. I've known colours of my daughter that only few have known.

"I brought your gun," I laugh softly as I lean forward and place it on the table, knowing she'd want it nearby. I remember when I gave it back to her on the day after her sixteenth birthday. She cried and all she could have managed to say at first was _Thank You_. But then she said _I miss him_ ; David, her father, my friend. I had missed him too, and even though I knew better than to think that I could ever replace him, in my heart I always hoped that Rae knew that she was never without a father.

But I failed her. I broke my promise. I was supposed to take care of her. And maybe now David wants her back, but I'm not ready to give her back. She's as much mine as she was his.

I take her hand in mine and I rub my fingers in the space between hers. They're so small compared to mine, like Tris'. Jake says sometimes she moves her fingers. The doctors say it could mean something, but it could also mean nothing. I choose to believe the prior. I also choose to believe that she can hear me. So every day I visit and I usually tell her about my day and all that's been going on in the city. But today I just want to beg her to come home.

Tracing the length of her finger I say, "We miss you, Rae." There's never been a greater understatement. "I try to keep myself busy because I know that you'd probably tell me to suck it up." I smile. "But no matter what I do I can't focus. How am I supposed to? You're not there with us when you should be. You've always been there… from the very beginning."

And tears fill my eyes at the advent of a memory and I say, "I remember one night when Tris and I had so much trouble getting the twins to bed. It took us hours." I chuckle softly. "We were so tired. And about three in the morning Alex started fussing. I was just about to get up before he woke up Anna or Tris, but then I heard you. I heard you through the baby monitor." My voice cracks when I say, "You were singing to him," and a thick teardrop falls on my arm. "You were always such a good big sister… You still are."

I'll always remember the first time Rae held Alex in her arms. She had promised him that she'd be the best big sister ever. She's always kept that promise, even in times when it could have cost her her life. Even now.

"Speaking of big sisters, you remember that day when Tris had to go to school to get you out of trouble after you punched that bully in his face?" I ask with a grin, though I certainly wasn't grinning that day. I was upset and she knew I would be, but Rae says she got tired of him pushing other people around so she gave him a taste of his own medicine. She was fourteen. "Tris told me your teacher was so upset. She remembers her saying, _I told you to call your mother not your big sister_. Tris said she wanted to smack the stupid right out of her," I chuckle.

I'm actually surprised she didn't. Tris loves all of our children, but there's a special place in her heart for Rae. They learned how to change diapers and mix a bottle together. They shared everything and they grew up together. They've laughed in each other's arms as much as they've cried on each other's shoulders. They're not just mother-daughter; they're sisters, best friends. And even after Rae did everything she could have done to save Tris' life, she continued looking out for her, for all of us. It's almost like she felt she owed us something. But she's wrong. _We_ are indebted to _her_. _She_ changed _our_ lives.

"Everyone's a mess without you, Rae," I say, not caring that I sound strangled and breathless and broken. "Jake's a mess, Tris is a mess, I'm a mess. Alex blames himself. Anna says it should have been her. It's a nightmare." I swallow. "Things have gotten better for the city, but we'd take it all back if it meant that you'd be ok. And I know what you'd say to that, but I don't care. I don't care because we still need you," I whimper, hoping that it's enough to make her come back. "So I need you to wake up. I need you to come home."

On the night after we ceased the city, the night after Rae was hurt, Alex had asked me how he could ever be happy if she doesn't wake up. I knew what to say and I knew that I had told him the truth. Though, it was an idea that I myself had rejected. I still reject it, but I don't deny its truth. Rae would want us to go on. And knowing that, I also know that I have to be strong for my family in the event that our nightmares become reality. I know that though in the city we've built we now strive to be more than our faction, still I must be selfless and I must be brave.

There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves risking your life for something bigger than yourself, like Alex did, or for _someone_ else, like Rae did. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, like Jake did.

But sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life. Like we'll all have to do if…

But I press my lips together as if that alone could somehow push back the thought from whatever evil place it came from. I push it back. I reject it.

But I don't deny it's truth.

"Please don't put us through that," I whisper to Rae as if she had heard my silent thoughts. "I know it's a selfish thing to ask, but I thought I would anyways." And though I can barely see her face through the tears, I can't bear to let go of her hand to wipe them away. And swallowing hard I find the strength to say, "I want you to come back. But if you don't-" I choke over the words "-I just want you to know that I've always been so proud of you and I'll always owe you so much. And that one of the greatest joys in my life was being able to call you my friend, my accomplice, and my daughter... And I love you."

I press her fingers into my face and I sob into them, squeezing them so hard that I know if she was awake she would scream or pull them away. I kiss them gently and I look up at the blurred, white haze that is the ceiling. And closing my eyes I try to control myself but I can't seem to stop. And the reality that we might lose her hits me hard in the chest, stealing my breaths away long before I've caught them. I tremble and my breaths are jagged and my chest is tight. And in that moment when I think that I will die along with her if she dare does, piercing through my sobs and over the sound of my pounding heart there is a hoarse whisper that says, "I love you too, Dad."

* * *

 **A/N: There she is :) Please let me know what you guys thought of this chapter!**

 **Posting this chapter makes me so emotional because apart from the Epilogues (Yes, Epilogues, plural) we're just about at the end of this story guys :( I know it's sudden, but there's not much to tell from here that won't be told in the Epilogues. What happens immediately after Rae wakes up will be posted at the end of her short story, but I'll also post it here as chapter 50, which is actually a bonus chapter since 'technically' it's not a part of _this_ story. I'll be posting the first chapter of Rae's short story next week or so. It's called "Memoirs of a lasting love (A DLS Story)". It's only five chapters long, not too big of a commitment, so feel free to follow or check it out :) That should give me enough time to finish the Epilogues for Divergent Love Stories because I still haven't and I really don't want to rush them, and now that I'm getting closer to the exam of my life there just aren't enough hours in the day. But PLEASE hold on tight and don't forget about me or this story. Thank you guys so much for all your support, and I'll see you soon :) **


	50. Chapter 50

**A/N: Because my OCD won't let me leave either story incomplete, as promised, here is the bonus chapter :) If you haven't read Memoirs, please do enjoy this chapter (although you'd appreciate it a lot more if you did). If you** _ **have**_ **read Memoirs, please feel free to read this chapter again ;)**

* * *

 **50\. Awakening**

 **RAE**

Imagine waking up in a strange place and not knowing where you are, or _who_ you are, recognizing nothing but the sound of a familiar voice calling you home. Imagine being scared and then coming to from what felt like an ordinary night of sleep and crazy dreams only to be told that you've been here and yet not here for six weeks.

I wake up in a world that's completely different from the one I left behind. It _must_ be different. It _has_ to be different. Because I'm lying in the Dauntless infirmary with Erudite doctors asking me questions, a factionless nurse checking my vital signs, Abigail dressed in her Amity red and yellow, and my beloved dressed in no particular faction colour.

"I don't know," I say to their questions, and I almost don't recognize the sound of my own voice. It's raspier than usual. "Last thing I remember we were walking in a pack towards Erudite. Everything from there is just blank."

"That's ok," the female doctor who had earlier identified herself as Dr. Jimenez says to me. "It might take a while for certain things to come back. Although, the events just prior to the accident may never come back at all."

"You don't really want to remember that anyways," my baby sister says to me with a grin as she holds me in her arms; she's lying in the bed with me. Maybe she's right. I suppose I can appreciate the innocent calm that comes along with not remembering the ghastly moments that took place just before I almost died, although the gaps in my memory do frustrate me.

"How do you feel, Rae?" Caleb then asks me.

I feel like a truck ran over me.

"I feel fine," I say.

"We'll have to monitor you for at least another two weeks just to be on the lookout for any complications," Dr. Jimenez says. "But after everything's checked out you'll be free to go home, although you'll have to check in for physical therapy and rehabilitation five days a week. You'll find that tasks that were once simple have now become difficult. Your body will take some time to return to its prior state and it will require a lot of effort and patience on your part. How quickly and how much you recover depends on you, but based on your primary evaluation you're looking at at least four to five months of rehab."

"I give her a week," Alex mutters with a smirk. It makes me grin and so does Dr. Jimenez.

"You'll be needing round the clock care for a while," she continues. "Just until you've built back up your strength, and that includes being pushed around in a wheelchair until you get your walking legs back."

Walk? I can barely lift my own arm. Or speak. Or breathe.

"We all know how much you'll hate that," Four says to me, smiling. "But you don't have a choice."

"I draw the line at wiping my ass," I say groggily. "I'll be doing that myself."

"Actually, I'd like to be the one doing that," Jake says sultrily, and the sound of his voice makes my heart race. I blush on impulse. Everyone else looks at him wide-eyed after his lewd comment, but he's looking at _me_. Hiding a grin, he clears his throat and says, "What I mean is, I'd like to be the one responsible for her care. If that's ok with everybody else, of course."

But everybody else seems to mean just Four, because he's the one everybody else looks at for an answer. I'd laugh out loud if I had the strength to.

Before he answers, Four, my dad, looks at me as if looking for an answer from _me_ , and I feel the colour rush into my cheeks. There's nothing I'd want more.

I nod.

"Ok," he says to Jake, and beside him Tris smiles knowingly.

"He hasn't left since you've been in here," Anna then whispers in my ear. I look up at Jake again and there's an indescribable look in his eyes. Something between wonder and gladness and longing. Something far greater than love if there even is such a thing. But it's powerful and it calls me to him. My eyes refuse to break away and it feels as though I'm floating toward him, though I'm not moving at all.

"I also approve," Alex then says from somewhere in the room.

"Nobody asked you," Abigail replies cheekily.

"Hey!" Alex then wails. "You're supposed to be on _my_ side."

Everyone laughs, but I only know this because I hear them somewhere deep in my subconscious. I'm still looking at Jake, completely mesmerized, desperate to eliminate even the air between us.

"Let's leave these two alone," Tris says, glancing between Jake and me. I blush, embarrassed. Is it really that obvious?

"But I don't wanna go," Anna whines beside me. She's laughing but there are tears in her eyes. I wipe them away gently, heartbroken as I begin to imagine all that they must have been feeling for the past weeks. It would have driven me to hell and back, the thought of losing any of them.

"I'm not going anywhere, baby sister," I say to her. "I promise."

She smiles and hugs me softly. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you," she says to me over and over again before she finally decides to get out of the bed. And then I'm showered with tender hugs and soft kisses from everybody else before they all reluctantly walk out, glancing back with every step and smiling teary eyed at me.

It summons my own tears. I find myself thinking how incredible it feels to be loved, and greater still to be loved by this many people.

Slowly he closes the door and then Jake climbs into the bed with me, and I press myself against him trying harder and harder with each difficult breath to get closer, like I would crawl beneath it and cover myself with his skin if I could. He wraps his arm around me, but his hold on me is gentler than usual. I'm sure he could break me in half if he wanted to. I feel frail and weak, but safe as I look into those warm green eyes that remind me of cool spring days. I've missed those eyes.

"So I got shot?" I ask him, playfully frowning.

He nods. "Look on the bright side. You got shot in the best place there is to get shot in."

"My Aorta?" I ask, petrified.

He laughs. "Erudite headquarters," he says. "If you had gotten shot in Dauntless they probably would have tried to patch you up with gauze and tape like they did me."

Jake smiles sweetly, but I see his thoughts pierce through his eyes. Behind the carefree words lies the grave thought that I was lucky to have the city's greatest minds in charge of my care or I may not have survived. It makes me feel a strange sort of gratefulness. But I guess one can come to appreciate the bad things after having considered the detrimental.

Curious, I pull away the thin hospital gown and I trace my finger along the already healed scar on my abdomen. It proves to not be the strangest thing about my body. I'm noticeably thinner.

"I'm all skin and bone," I say softly, mostly to myself.

"Don't worry about that," Jake says, lifting my head. "I'll have you fattened up in no time."

I grin at his uncanny ability to put me at ease. "That should be easy. I'm so hungry I feel like I could eat an entire cow." Speaking of cows… "And Victor?" I ask, strangely concerned for the man who I know, without being told, is the one who shot me.

Jake's expression falls, taken aback by the unexpected question. "He's gone," he says, and I realize why I'm concerned. I'm not concerned for Victor. As abhorrent as he was, he was still Jake's father.

"Are you ok?" I ask carefully.

"He killed the first woman I ever loved and then tried to kill the second." Jake nods and levelly says, "Yeah, I'm ok." And I know better than to push the topic.

"Ok," I say and I snuggle closer to him. He relaxes and takes several deep breaths of my hair. Each breath sings _I've missed you_ and every part of me screams _I've missed you too_ although it shouldn't. How could I have missed him if I didn't even know that I was away from him?

And that's when I remember.

"Do you believe in ghosts?" I ask him, thinking of just where I was, or at least where I _think_ I was, when I was gone.

"The creepy kind of ghosts or the good kind?" Jake asks with a smile.

"It's creepy either way," I chuckle. "But I mean, do you think that even after we're gone, we're still here?"

He thinks about it for a while. "Well if we are, that means that the ghost of every person that has ever lived and died is walking around somewhere. That's a lot of ghosts."

"Yeah. There's probably not enough space in the world for that. They'd keep bumping into each other. Can you imagine one ghost telling the other ghost ' _excuse me'_?" And I say _excuse me_ in a squeaky little voice.

"Naw," Jake says. "They probably just walk right through each other." And we both snicker, wrapped in each other's arms and talking nonsense, like if we didn't just spend the last four years apart, like if we had never missed a beat.

"Why do you ask?" he asks.

"I had the weirdest dream."

"Yeah? What was it about?"

"I was with my dad. My _dad_ dad," I say, hoping it doesn't sound _too_ crazy. Jake simply nods. "I told him that I missed him so much, and he said that he missed me too. My mom was there with him. She looked just like me. Or maybe it's me that looks like her," I chuckle. "We talked and I told them about my life. I told them about Four and Tris… and about you, and I told them that I was so happy to be with them but that I wasn't ready to leave you all yet. I thought they would have been hurt but they weren't upset at all. They told me it was ok, and that they knew that I loved them and that I thought of them. They said that all they wanted was for me to be happy, and that they were grateful for the family I have here. And they sent me back."

I study Jake's eyes, filled with sincere curiosity, waiting for him to say something.

"You think it was real?" he asks.

"I don't know. It felt real. Do _you_?" It's silly of me, asking an Erudite if he believes in the scientifically improbable.

"I don't know. But I hope it was," he says.

"Why?"

"Because then you would have met your mother, and gotten that 'one more time' with your dad that you've always wanted. If it was real then you have the hope that they're never too far, you'll see them again, and _I,_ my love," he says, kissing me gently on the nose, "I get to keep you for much longer than a hundred years."

I blush, grateful for every word that he just spoke, especially the last part of it. "You're still so unbearably poetic?"

"Always," he grins. "Speaking of which," he bites his lip. "I was thinking that when you woke up it would be too hard for you to navigate around Dauntless for a while. So… I bought you your dream house about a month ago. Off the compound. It's not too big, but it has a huge kitchen and a big yard to match. And it's green. I hope it's the right shade."

My mouth opens but I don't know what to say. There's so much more to it than just the fact that he remembered that even though it was something that I had only mentioned in passing countless years ago. He was planning for me to wake up even though they were warned that I might not.

"You really knew I'd wake up?" I ask, my eyes flooding with tears.

"I was sure of it. It was just a matter of when." With earnest eyes he says, "I swear, sometimes you don't know how strong you are."

But he is the strong one. I can't imagine what it must have been like day after day, just waiting.

"Neither do you," I say.

He shakes his head. "I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"You're the strong one, Rae," he says firmly. "You know, one of the reasons I got close to you was because I could breathe easily around you. You never judged me. You never criticized me. As confident as you were you never looked down on me. You built me up when all I'd ever been was broken down. I felt safe and free for the first time in eight years. That freedom made me open up in a way that I never had and every day that I let you in I fell deeper and deeper in love with you, and then you loved me back though I never understood why. Apart from the fact that you were more than I could have ever dreamed of, I was afraid of the evil parts of me that you swore never existed. And at first I thought you just couldn't see it because you could kick my ass if I ever dared to try and lay a hand on you." He laughs a little. "But then there came a point where I started to see what you saw and I started to feel strong, but I didn't deserve to. I still don't. Not after I've spent my entire life running like a coward."

I wince and my breath catches. I had told him he had chosen the easy way out when he left me, that he was a coward. But I was wrong, and I regret those words more than anything.

"Jake, I'm sorry. I never meant-"

"No. It's not just that," he interrupts. "It was even from the very beginning. You didn't hesitate when Tris was in trouble. My mother was being strangled to death and I just stood there in a corner and hid."

"You were eight years old, Jake," I say forcefully, grabbing his face between my palms with what little strength I have. The guilt is unmistakable in his eyes, and it fills me with as much pain as it did the first time he told me that he had still blamed himself for her death, the day we made known our every secret.

"So were you," he says softly.

"I had a gun in my hand, and the man trying to hurt her was not my father. And you had no way of defending yourself. If he knew that you had seen him he most likely would have killed you too. What you did was smart, Jake." He's always been smart. It makes me wonder how I missed his Divergence. He practically spelled it out for me. He was trying to make me see.

"But I'm supposed to be brave too, and I'm not." He looks away from me.

"Really?" I ask, pulling at his chin. "The man who stood up against hundreds of Dauntless for me, shot a traitorous Dauntless leader in the head, betrayed his own blood in order to defend what was right, and then planted himself by my side every day and every night for the past six weeks without fail isn't brave? Isn't strong?"

He shakes his head a little as he takes my hand from his chin and presses it against his lips. "Can't you see, Rae? You're the one that makes me strong. Everything that I have ever done that has been worth doing is because of you." And he looks deep into my eyes and says, "You're the one that makes me strong."

And staring back I say, "Well then listen to me and find the strength to forgive yourself." I lace my fingers with his. "Because it wasn't your fault and there's nothing you could have done to stop him. Not in that moment. But you stopped him when you could've, and he won't hurt anyone else ever again."

Jake squeezes my fingers and lets out a breath as he hangs on my words. I know it'll take a while for him to completely believe them, but I'll be here to remind him of them until he does.

"And you make me strong too, you know," I add. "Don't you dare deny it."

"Ok," he says, giving in to a smile.

"Good," I say. "Because I might need to feed off you for a while." And then I chuckle lightly. I'm too weak to do anything at all.

"The only thing you need to do is relax and let me take care of you."

Jake's face becomes serious again and he gently passes his hand against my hair and down my back. My hands wander too, tracing the hard line of his jaw and down his neck, admiring every curve and handsome element of his face. But even his handsomeness doesn't hide the tiredness in his eyes or the dark circles that cloud them. And judging by the rest of him, he needs someone to take care of him too.

"How about we just take care of each other?" I suggest.

He nods. "We made a promise. Remember?"

We did. The night before we attacked Erudite we had made confessions and we had made promises.

He confessed that as weak as he had felt without me, he thought that _I_ was strong enough and that's why he left. And maybe I was, but he had left his mark on me. More than a fingerprint, he was branded into my flesh. Mere strength was not enough to make me let him go because I didn't want to be mended. I wanted _him_. He was my choice, and he always would be.

I told him that it was stupid of him to think that he needed me more than I needed him, and that although he never meant to, he hurt me in a way and in a place that no else ever could, and I cried as I confessed how terribly and how deeply he had wounded me. And then all of a sudden I couldn't stop. It's like I opened a door that had years of pain hidden behind it. And with every ounce of my strength gone I lay limp beside him and I cried profusely. It was painful in a way that I never knew pain could ever be. And it made no sense because he was right there with me, holding me.

So why did it still hurt, I had wondered.

 _Tell me what to do_ , Jake had cried. _Tell me what to do. I'll do anything._

And somehow I knew what to do.

 _Make love to me,_ I said.

 _Are you sure?_ he had asked me.

 _Yes._

And we did. We had made love face to face, skin to skin, with knotted fingers and looking into each other's eyes the whole time. We were exposed and stripped down in so many more ways than one. I saw his every thought the minute they would flash through his mind, and I knew that he could see mine.

There were no barriers, no fears, no insecurities. Just the unwavering conviction that he was what I wanted, and that I was what he wanted, and that no matter what happened, how hard it was or how long it took, we would fight our way back to synchrony. And as we made love the tears kept flowing and my lips trembled, but not from pain. But because for the first time in a long time I felt whole again, through and through and all the way down to the very tips of my toes. I felt us come back together again. With every slow and deep slide of him inside me I felt his spirit reconnect with mine and that is what I needed because that is where I was broken. That is where _he_ was broken.

The Abnegation might overstress the power of touch and the significance of being inside someone and letting someone be inside you, but they are not wrong about it. It is not just metaphorical. Beyond all the physical parts of it, there is something spiritual. A power that is strong enough to heal even the soul and bind two people in a realm beyond our own when you strip down all that you are and you let yourself feel it, when you let yourself surrender to it.

I am in him and he is in me. I will forever be his and he will forever be mine, _no matter what_. That was our promise.

"And I'll enjoy keeping that promise in the comfort of our new home," I say wittily.

"Our new home," Jake repeats and then he grins. "I won't lie to you. I absolutely love the way that sounds."

"As do I," I blush. "So is this your way of asking me to move in with you, Jake? Buying me a house? Ever so subtle," I tease.

He bites his lips and smiles nervously. "Alex and Four have already agreed to help me move your things, so that's not really optional at this point," he says. He reaches behind him and pulls out a tiny black box from his pocket. Gracefully he sets it between us, and before I can register what's actually happening he says, "I'm asking you to marry me."

I forget to breathe and I'm sure he notices.

"I know it's sudden," he says, "and we just got back together and things are still complicated between us. And I know I can't just expect us to pick up from where we left off and-"

"-and I just woke up from a coma," I interrupt with a wide smile.

"And you just woke up from a coma… and your reasoning and cognitive abilities might be compromised at this point therefore making any decision you make questionable," he smiles sweetly. "But as complicated as all of this is, it's not. I love you, Rae, and I've been through enough to know that I'll never stop. You will always be the one I want to spend every minute of the rest of my life with." And sliding his thumb against the trail of tears on my cheek he says, "You don't have to answer me now. I just want you to know where-"

"Yes," I blurt out, not having thought about it, not having needed to.

"Really?" he whispers, almost as if in shock that I would say yes. But how I could ever say anything but?

"It's only ever been you, Jake… And it will always only be you," I say to him, pouring my heart into every word. "I love you."

Tears swim in his eyes as he lifts my lips to his, and they meet in a sweet and gentle kiss. "I love you too. So much," he says.

And we lay there, lost in each other's eyes, wrapped in each other's arms with nothing but a ring and a promise between us. My heart races when all of a sudden I feel overwhelmed by the strong, unprompted resolution that I don't want to be anywhere else in the world but right here, right now, with him. And it makes me finally understand all the things that Jake has ever thought about. All the different ways he could have ended up if he had done one thing different. A different place, a different person, a reality altogether different from this one where this perfect moment, the one we're living and breathing right now, does not occur.

It makes me regret nothing. Because when I think about where I may have been right now, or where I would be tomorrow or what the rest of my life would have been like if I had never met him, if I had never loved him, if I had lost him for good somewhere along the way, it threatens to stop my heart.

It makes me grateful for the moments and the people that have made us, everything that has brought us to where we are right now, both wonderful and unspeakable alike. Because God forbid I be anywhere else.

I close my eyes as he presses his forehead against mine. I breathe in deep and there's certainty in the air, that same certainty of safety and strength and amity that I always felt every time he was near me. I have no doubt that we could take on the world and have our way with it.

"We're gonna be ok, you and me," I whisper against his lips.

Jake smiles and I feel the curve of his mouth against mine. "No, baby," he says and he shakes his head slowly. "We're gonna be so much more than ok."

He presses another sweet kiss to my lips and I melt into it, not daring to pull away. And I know with all my heart that we're right where we should be, and that together we'll walk right into that spectacular tomorrow that's only ours to claim.

* * *

 **A/N: Stay tuned for the Epilogues ;)**


	51. Epilogue 1

**EPILOGUE 1 - Anniversary**

 **TWO YEARS LATER**

Tobias is 38 Tris is 36 Rae is 27 Alex and Anna are 19 Chris is 11

 **TOBIAS**

It's nice out, and the summer wind is fresh and cool as it rushes past our faces. It's the perfect day for a picnic.

Tris sits tucked by my side, right where I'll always want her, and our children are all seated there with us, Abigail too. Our legs are all folded and our bodies spread out haphazardly as we try to dodge the unwrapped gifts and half eaten containers of food that are scattered all around the thick blanket we threw across the grass.

Tris and I wanted to get outside for our anniversary, and even more so we wanted to be with our children. Since Rae and Jake have a nice yard and Rae is all of eight months pregnant and rendered immobile by swollen feet, we decided to come to her. Apart from Chris who technically still lives with us, Annabelle is the only one who still lives in the Dauntless compound since Dominic stayed in leadership and ultimately replaced me on the council. Alex and Rae chose to live outside of the faction so it's been a while since we've all been together like this. I've missed them.

Rae waddles slowly toward us, leaving Jake and Dominic to tend the grill. Alex stands to his feet to help his sister accommodate herself on an excessively large pillow, but not before making a joke about her size, of course. Rae laughs sarcastically and I feel Tris shake as she chuckles beside me.

It seems like just yesterday I walked Rae down the aisle. She was so beautiful that day. She and Jake had a small wedding since it was so sudden. He had proposed to her only hours after she woke up from her coma, said he wasn't losing any more time. Alex was the Best Man and Tris was Matron of Honour. Two years later here she is, about to be a mom.

"Here you go," Rae says as she pulls out her gift out of the gift bag. Smiling, she passes a small, framed picture to Tris. "This is from me and Zeke," she says. "He helped me sift through years of old camera footage until we finally found one. I know it wasn't the best of moments but… it was the only one we could find and I just thought it would be nice to remember where it all began."

"Rae, this is wonderful," Tris says, staring at the small picture with a tear-filled smile. "I remember this." She turns her body a little, showing the picture to me. "It's when I found out that you were from Abnegation," Tris says to me. "Like me."

I recognize the picture almost immediately and I smile. It's a still shot from the day when Al had died. I had told Tris to let the guilt remind her to do better, something that I had heard her father say over and over at the weekly meetings in Abnegation. In the picture Tris' eyes are closed and her hands are on my waist. My arms are around her and my lips are pressed to her forehead. I remember we had stayed like that for a long time. It was the first time I held her. I don't even know why I did, just that I wanted to.

"Aaaawwww!" Annabelle squeals as she takes the picture in her hand. "Oh my God. It looks like a picture of Alex," she adds, and she shows the picture to Abigail.

"Let me see," Alex says, peering himself over Abby, as if he doesn't already know how much he looks like me. He grins and says, "At least I know what I'll look like when I'm forty."

"I'm thirty-eight," I smartly rebut.

"Sure, Dad," he says with a wink, and I push him over. He laughs as he sits himself back up and he says to me, "But then again, for all I know that _is_ a picture of me. I am your son and I can count on one hand the amount of pictures I've seen of you."

"Trust me. You have no idea how hard that was to find," Rae says before I can interject. "Most of the footage from before the lost war was destroyed and in the tiny bit that was left, Dad seems to had been running away from the cameras for some reason." She laughs at me. "Zeke said you were so paranoid, always felt like someone was watching you."

I roll my eyes but I smile. I take back the picture and I let myself soak it in. It doesn't only take me back, it shows me how far Tris and I have really come. It truly is a wonderful gift.

"Thank you guys so much for this. All of this," Tris says, gesturing at the gifts around us. "And for spending the day with us."

"Why are you guys even celebrating your anniversary with us? Shouldn't you be alone somewhere?" Christian asks from his corner of the blanket.

"We're alone all the time. The house is so empty without you guys and _you_ spend so much time with your uncle, you're barely at home," Tris says to him, sulking. He sulks back.

"So move out of the compound, get a smaller house," Rae suggests.

"We can't leave that house. It has too many memories," Tris says and I agree wholeheartedly. It's where my life began, because my life didn't really begin until I fell in love with Tris and we made a family together.

"Is that why you guys can't get rid of that old couch?" asks Alex.

"I peed myself in that couch," Annabelle says with a laugh.

"It's where Jake and I had our first kiss," Rae says, blushing.

"It's where we made Christian," Tris says and I laugh so loudly that it echoes throughout the yard and Jake and Dominic spin around curiously.

"Seriously?!" Alex says at the same time Christian yells, "What?!"

"Oh come on, Alex. Like you never did anything in that couch," Rae says.

"I sat in it!" he all but yells. "You people are disgusting! All of you!"

"Well I paid for that couch," I say. "So I reserve the right to do whatever I want in it. And that goes for everywhere else in that house for that matter."

Tris blushes, thinking of our leisure activities that have not been limited to any particular part of the house since the kids have been gone. It's like being newlyweds all over again. It's better even. Tris and I never had much of that since we started our family very young. I guess you could say we're making up for lost time, though I wouldn't have traded my children for the world. The first few years of their lives were the happiest years of mine.

With a horrified look on his face Christian says, "Thank God I have a room at Uncle Caleb's. I think it's safer there. Wouldn't want to come home and walk in on _that_."

"Ew," Annabelle says, shaking her head and smiling a little. "You two make me sick."

"Don't worry, you guys. After little David is born you two will have plenty company. Only a couple more weeks," Rae says, and she bites her lip and rubs tiny circles into her large stomach.

Tris smiles wide into my chest. "I can't wait to meet him," she says.

"Yeah, ship the kid off to his grandparents after he's born," Alex says to Rae. "So original." And though Tris and I will probably be the youngest grandparents that this city will ever see, the title still makes me feel funny.

"I already love my son more than anything, you moron," Rae says, smiling. "But there will come a point when I will want some sleep or some time alone with my husband, and if my memory's any good, babies don't let you do any of those things. Think about that before you reproduce." And she winks at Abby.

"Which reminds me," Annabelle says, her fingers fidgeting nervously in a bowl of chips. "I have something to say."

I freeze and I suddenly begin to sense my heartbeat, fast and hard. I feel Tris stiffen in my arms.

 _This isn't happening_ , I think to myself. My face goes red and I'm about to stand up and go grab Dominic by the throat when Annabelle says, "Oh my God! I'm not pregnant, Dad! You can breathe!"

I exhale and it's as audible as it is visible. I wipe off the sweat that had accumulated in only a matter of seconds in my palms.

"I was gonna say that Dom and I will be moving out of the compound for a little while. We'll be at Candor. His sister and her husband are going on a two week vacation and she wants us to babysit. And then Dom and I will be taking a vacation of our own," she explains. "And so what if I was pregnant?" she says defensively. "I'm nineteen years old. And if my math is any good mom got pregnant at sixteen."

Before Tris or I can say anything, although I'm not sure what we would say, Alex cuts in and says, "She got pregnant at eight if you count Rae."

"That's not even funny," Christian says with a slight but horrified grin.

"Why are you such an ass?" Rae cries out, flicking Alex in the ear. He cries out in pain and everyone laughs at him.

I've always admired the dynamic of my children, their ability to make fun of each other- and us, and their loyalty and readiness to stand up for each other. They are all so different, yet they come together as though they were all cut from the same brand of cloth. And as they go on, catching up and talking about nothing and everything all at the same time, all I can do is watch and smile.

Eventually everyone drifts off into separate conversations, and Tris closes her eyes and melts into my shoulder as the sound of crashing leaves and the smell of fresh grass and fresh grilled meat take her away. I'm about to join her when I feel a soft tap on my shoulder.

"Dad, I was wondering if I could use my favour," Rae whispers to me. Her bright grey eyes are honest, and they stand out against the darkness of her now shoulder length hair. I was surprised when she cut it. She'd buried herself behind it for so many years. I like it better this way though. She looks stronger when she isn't hiding behind a curtain of hair.

"Well you've held on to it for eleven years," I say to her. "I was beginning to think you didn't need it."

She smiles nervously. "I was wondering if you could talk to Jake. The bigger I get the more nervous he becomes. He's a little terrified that he won't know how to be a good dad. I know you don't like talking about Marcus, but..." Her eyes fall a little, and I can see the worry etched deep inside them.

"No, it's ok," I say sincerely. "Of course I will."

No one ever told me that being a father would feel so incredible. And even if they did, I wouldn't have believed them. And understanding more than just a bit of what Jake went through and how he probably feels right now, I feel like I owe it to him to tell him about my own experiences. He's become like a son to me.

"Really?" Rae asks softly, smiling.

I nod. "You know this doesn't really count as an extra-paternal favour," I say.

"Well after Alex made you take over the world, there aren't many extra-paternal favours left to ask," she replies with a smile and a shrug.

"I guess you have a point."

"Thanks, Dad," she says, and I'm sure I see her eyes gloss over if only just for a second.

I've gotten used to hearing her call us mom and dad now. At first it felt strange, but it also felt incredible. Now every time I hear it, and every time my family comes together like this, it just reminds me that perfect _is_ attainable.

I look around me and I take it all in. My son has found love, a love that was once forbidden, a love that he risked his life to fight for and protect. I see so much strength in Alex when I look at him. I wonder if he knows how proud I am of him. I've said it a thousand times but it never really feels like it's enough. So much so that I'm sure I'll tell him again before the end of the day.

I watch Rae as she sings to her belly, and Annabelle as she talks and laughs with Christian. When she ruffles his hair his grin almost covers his entire face. He would have started training next year and it's heartening to know that I can just let my son be a normal eleven year old boy. Well… as normal as an eleven year old genius can be.

With her head pressed against my chest, Tris looks up at me and smiles. I wrap my arms tighter around her, bringing her closer to me. She lets my heartbeat steady her as she closes her eyes and smiles. I wonder what she's thinking. If it's anything like what _I'm_ thinking, she's wondering how in the world did we manage to have all this. What did we ever do to deserve four of the best damn kids in the world? What did we ever do to be so fortunate?

It's indisputably unbelievable that we're all still here, how we've all managed to stay alive and have so much. It's almost troubling. Tris and I have survived the three greatest upsets that this city has ever seen, regardless of our youth and inexperience in the first, regardless of her pregnancy and our separation from each other in the second, and regardless of all the surprises that met us in the third.

"Could life get any better than this?" she whispers to me with a smile, looking deep into my eyes.

I don't know what to say to her. Especially since I spent most of my life believing that I'd never truly be happy, that I'd just exist, and that the sole purpose of my existence would be to get as far away from my father as I possibly could.

It took me months to really believe that Tris loved me as much I loved her, years to accept that I was nothing like my father, that I had made a good man of myself. But not anymore. I refuse to not accept this reality. I wholeheartedly embrace the fact that for the past twenty years I've stood beside the bravest, strongest, and most amazing woman on the planet, and that for the past fourteen years I have been married to her. A woman with whom I have fought wars and made love. She is not just a part of me, because there _is_ no me. There _is_ no she. There is only us and I am better for it. We are one, and the magnitude at which I need her goes beyond that of the blood coursing through my veins or the air that flows into my lungs with every breath.

"Only if I do this," I say to her. And I lean down, bringing my lips to hers, kissing her slowly, sweetly. I hear the whistling of my son and the giggles of his girlfriend in the background. I hear the spoken protests of my daughters, something about getting a room, but I don't care.

I pull away slowly, not wanting to ever separate myself from Tris, but wanting so badly to look into her eyes to see that wild, burning fire in them that I love so much.

"I love you," I say. "Tris, with every beat of my heart, I love you."

Suddenly the whistling stops, and I know it's because Alex knows that in this moment I am as bare and as honest and as vulnerable as I'll ever be.

"I love you too, Tobias. So much." Tris slides her hand up my neck, twisting my hair between her fingers. And bringing my face to hers she kisses me again. A kiss even sweeter than the first.

We finally pull apart and we stare into each other's eyes for just a moment. There's a lone tear streaming down her cheek and I gently cup her jaw with my hand and wipe it away with my thumb. She smiles into my palm and leaves a tender kiss there.

We become suddenly aware of the silence and we turn to see four pairs of smiling eyes just staring at us. Abigail's eyes are closed, and I guess it's to try and give us as much privacy as she can on this small blanket that we've all crammed ourselves up on. Or perhaps she is lost in her own moment of bliss as she lies in the embrace of my son. She smiles into his chest and he locks her head in place with his chin.

The mood has changed completely but in a spectacular way. It's as if the love that surrounded us all somehow became thicker, heavier, palpable.

All of a sudden Christian creeps over to us, wrapping us both into a warm hug. And then something unexpected and incredible happens. Anna crawls over and hugs us too. Then so do Alex and Abigail. And Rae chuckles a little as she tries to squeeze herself into the hug.

"We love you," she says. "So much."

And we all stay like that, entangled. It's a beautiful metaphor; Tris and me in the center, and our children wrapped all around us. We are all individuals, yet we are one unit. Each one of us strong enough to stand on our own, yet the love that binds us all together refuses to let either one do so. So we stand together, and somehow I know _that's_ what makes us invincible. _That's_ what makes us fortunate. It's not anything that we've done. It's the power that we have in each other.

And it's in that moment that I realize no one is worthy of such a spectacular reality. No one. But I have it. And I would be the world's greatest fool to question it. So I won't. Life has granted me its greatest gift, and I accept it.

* * *

 **A/N: Please let me know what you guys thought of the first Epilogue! Only one more to go :') This is so bittersweet.**


	52. Epilogue 2

**EPILOGUE 2 - Completion**

 **THREE YEARS LATER**

 **ALEX**

When I woke up this morning and my eyes caught sight of the sunlight I could barely catch my breath, and my heart was beating so fast I almost thought I was having a heart attack. I had gripped on to my sheets and screamed into my pillow, kicking like a fool and grinning like an idiot.

I've been waiting for this day for as long as I can remember, and now that it's finally here it feels like there's not enough space in my chest for the magnitude of exultation that threatens to burst it open. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today is the day I marry Abigail.

I stare at myself in the large body length mirror and I almost don't recognize me. I ditched the tux, deciding instead that a garden wedding allows me to be more casual. I chose a simple but elegant pair of black pants and a long sleeved white shirt. No bow or necktie. And from what I see, it was a good choice.

"I don't think you've ever looked this good in your life," Dani says to me, adjusting the edges of my sleeves for the fifth time already. His black and white apparel matches my own.

"I don't think I've ever _felt_ this good in my life," I say, smiling.

"Girls make us crazy, man. I told you it was the greatest high." He did actually. He had said so the very same night I met Abigail, on the train ride to the pre-choosing party. I've never thanked Anna for dragging me along. I really should.

"What's it like? Being with an Abnegation girl?" I ask Dani, looking at him through the large mirror. Abby visits Amity every once in a while and she and I took Dani along with us to a reaping about a year ago. He had met Kelly when he found himself stuck in a tree. She was walking by and she climbed up to help him, and he's been hooked ever since. It's strange. They're polar opposites, yet they're so good for each other.

"Ex-Abnegation," Dani clarifies matter-of-factly. "But… it's nice. She actually reminds me of _you_."

I almost choke. "O…k then," I say, stretching out the words. "Well do me a favour, huh? Just don't think about me when you're in bed with her."

"As difficult as that may be, I'll try not to," he says with a smirk. "But it'll be a while before that happens anyway."

I press my eyebrows together and I eye him with curiosity as he walks over to the large table filled with papers and a few leftover decorations and he takes a seat. "What are you talking about?" I ask. "You can barely keep your dick in your pants."

"She wants to wait for marriage," Dani says with a shrug. "Those Abnegation values are rooted deep. Look what they did to _you_. You're getting married at twenty-two and you didn't even grow up there. If you had you probably would've died a virgin."

"And you're ok with that?" I ask with a squeaky voice, completely ignoring him poking fun at me.

"Yeah," he says, smiling. "It's Kelly, man. It's so much more than that with her." And he blushes.

"Aaaaww!" I sing out. "She cured you."

Dani throws a ball of paper at me but then he smiles. "Well I have _you_ to thank for that," he says sincerely. "If you and Abby never happened then I never would have met Kelly. And even if I did I never would've gotten to know her since that option wasn't ever given to us. But you took on the world… and now we're free."

I smile though I'm not sure what to say. Dani's not the first person who has thanked me and Abby for defecting, but it feels wrong to say 'You're welcome.' I'm not sure if I should accept thanks when I was only just a small part of a much bigger scheme, but my mother says that I should. She says that sometimes we inspire others without meaning to and that's why even if you think you don't deserve it, don't hinder them from expressing gratitude. Because many times accepting that gratitude is not just for your own contentment. It's for the other person's.

"You're welcome. But I should be thanking _you,_ " I say to him. "I can't think of a single moment in my life when you didn't have my back. Even when Abby wasn't supposed to be an option you stuck around for me, and then you fought with me. It's easy to take on the world when there's a guy like you watching my six."

"Anytime." Dani smiles at me, and then in my heart I feel the full veracity of my mother's words.

I smile back at my best friend, my best man. Then I turn around when I feel a sudden burst of cool air as the dressing room door swings open. My sister storms in, wearing heels and a knee-length baby blue dress that's loose at the bottom, the selected bridesmaid's dress.

"Oh my God! The entire city is out there!" Rae says wide-eyed. "I woke up from a coma, got married, and nobody cared!"

My mouth falls open. It's always strange seeing Rae in a dress. There aren't enough special events in the year to make her wear a dress more than twice. It's a shame. She looks even more beautiful in them.

"I cared," Dani teases with a sad face as he stands from his chair.

"Don't get _too_ jealous," I say to my sister. "I don't even know who half of these people are."

"Well they know you," she says. "You're a legend, baby brother."

Abigail and I had planned a small wedding with just friends and family. But then the leaders of the city heard about it and they offered to cover all the costs. When more and more people wanted to share this moment with us, we had to take them up on that offer. They said it was an honour to help us in any way that they could, but they helped in _every_ way. They've given us the wedding of a lifetime and we haven't spent a dime.

Even so, we've received so many gifts and donations that I don't even know what we'll do with them all. The caterers have waved all costs and the city put together an entire decorating committee. My Aunt Christina forcefully volunteered herself to be the wedding planner and she almost lost her mind when she realized that she could have just about anything in the city that she wanted for the wedding, no questions asked.

Abigail had received so many calls from the city's best designers all begging to make her dress free of cost. Ultimately, the designer she chose didn't make just one dress, he made several. And then he displayed them all in a line up for Abby to choose from.

It just feels too good to be true. I don't even know if Abby and I deserve to be treated this way, but my mother keeps reminding me that today is a big day for the city too. The thing is, I've realized that to me we're just ordinary people who fought for a cause. But to them we are the love story that changed everything and they just want to be a part of it.

"Hey, it's time to go," I hear my dad say. He walks into the room just as Dani walks out. Dad looks strong and tall, and he's dressed a lot like me. Simple long sleeved shirt, only his is a dark blue, and a stylish pair of black pants. I guess we both prefer comfort over dazzle.

"You ready?" he asks me, pressing a hand into my shoulder.

"I've _been_ ready," I say.

My dad smiles and nods. He says, "I know I always say it, and I know you're probably tired of hearing it, but your mother and I are so proud of you and everything that you've done to get here today. You and Abigail deserve a lifetime of happiness and when you step out there you'll find that there's not one person in this entire city that feels differently."

I smile. With the example I've had, I have no reason why I shouldn't be a great husband. And there's nothing in this world I want more than to make Abby happy for the rest of her life.

"Thanks, Dad. Maybe we'll give you and mom a run for your money," I say.

He laughs. "I hope so. I won't lie to you though. Marriage is really difficult sometimes. It's a lot harder than it looks."

"Got that right," Rae mumbles in the corner, leaning against the table. I had even forgotten she was here.

"But when you fight hard and you stick by the woman you love through thick and thin," Dad continues, "and you grow closer as you grow older and you watch your kids grow up to be amazing people and do amazing things, there's no greater reward." He smiles. "Of all the things I'm grateful for, Alex, there's nothing quite like having you for a son. And whatever you need, I'll be here."

"Thanks, Dad," I say again, and it's almost a whisper. He brings me in for a hug. And just like I do every time we talk like this, I feel like the luckiest son in the world. Of all the things _I'm_ grateful for, there's nothing quite like having Tris and Tobias Eaton as my parents.

"Where's the groom?" I hear my twin sister say when I finally let go of my father. She walks in with our mother, both dressed in beautiful blue and white dresses, but my mother's is a dark blue and it clings to her skin. I pretend to not hear my father growling sultrily beside me.

Mom runs to me and forces me into a hug. Even in heels her face doesn't quite pass my shoulders. "You look so handsome, Baby," she says to me with tears in her eyes.

"Don't cry, Mom. You'll ruin your make-up," I tease.

"You think Alex looks good? Just wait until you see my baby," Rae sings with a wide grin and clapping giddily.

"Where _is_ JJ?" Annabelle asks, twirling her curled hair around her finger and setting it in place. But she already looks perfect.

"Probably latched onto his father somewhere," Rae says. "Where else would he be?"

Little David is the splitting image of Jake. So much so that everybody started calling him Jake Jr., and then JJ for short. I doubt he even knows that's not his real name.

At the mention of them, the two blond haired, green eyed men walk into the room and Rae squeals. JJ giggles at the sight of his mother. He really does look handsome. He's wearing a black tux with a blue bow tie, his hair neatly combed and his black shoes shine spotlessly. If I didn't know any better I'd think it was his wedding day and not mine.

Rae smiles wide as she and Jake exchange a kiss and then she steals JJ from his arms. "Don't forget you have an important job today," she says to her three year old. "Remember the way we practised? Straight down the aisle. Don't stop. Don't look at daddy. Just go aaaaaall the way down. Ok?"

JJ smiles. "Yes, mama."

"Good boy." She kisses his cheek and Annabelle and Mom go to steal him next. Just when we thought that our family couldn't get any happier, along came JJ. There's not a person in this city that doesn't love him on sight.

Jake comes to stand beside me and he whispers, "A hundred credits says he stops," as he rests his elbow on my shoulder. Jake's become more than a friend and more like a big brother to me. We've come a long way from our drunken chats by the chasm. And after seeing the way he loves my sister, I can't help but like him even more. He even made me best man at their wedding. I was honoured.

"There's no way I'm taking that bet," I laugh. JJ is absolutely welded to his father. After he was born, Rae had joked once that he had stolen her sleeping spot on Jake's chest. I laughed and told her that with a new baby in the house she'd have to learn how to share, something I specifically remember her telling me when Christian was born. My ears hurt for weeks after that comment.

"Is everybody ready?!" My Aunt Christina yells as she barges in, Heather and four year old Melody at her side. They both look more and more like Christina every day. "It's time!" she says imploringly.

I suddenly feel nauseous. I exhale. I inhale. I exhale. I try to keep my heartbeat inside my chest.

"Frightening, isn't it?" Jake laughs. All I can do is nod.

"Frightening, yet there's nothing I want more," I say.

"Yeah, that sounds about right. A woman will do that to you."

"Enough with the chit-chat!" Christina commands. "Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!"

We all walk out of the dressing room before my Aunt Christina decides to drag us out. When I step out of the door and onto the grass my mouth falls and my eyes open so wide that my eyeballs would have popped out if they weren't attached to my head. There are too many people to count.

"Don't look so surprised. I told you the entire city was here," Rae says to me as we walk.

"Yeah, but I think I may have made a serious underestimation of our population," I say with a nervous laugh.

But the people aren't the only thing my eyes catch. The Amity garden looks beautiful. It was beautiful even when it was void of decorations. Now it's somewhere close to heavenly. On the ground in the middle of the aisle there's a textured white fabric that runs along the entire length of it, lined by white posts elegantly draped with blue and white silk and large, white roses. And at the end of the aisle there's a beautiful glass altar that lies under the center of a wide arch made of vine and roses.

There are rows and rows of white benches that lie on either side of the aisle, and there's not an empty seat in sight. But the aisle was strategically placed in the middle of the garden, surrounded by lush, tall trees, so even those who have to stand will be comfortable in the cool shade. My Aunt Christina really outdid herself. But I imagined that she would have, considering that she had all the city's decorators at her disposal.

"You stand here," Christina says, suddenly grabbing me by the arm when we've arrived at the aisle's entrance. "Everybody else, you know your places, you know what you're supposed to do," she says to the rest of the wedding party. Everybody's in the line-up except for Abby. She's hidden behind a white curtain that's too tall and too wide for me to see around. But I stare at it anyway as though I can see through it, knowing that my entire universe stands behind it. I miss her so much though I saw her only just last night. I can only imagine how beautiful she looks right now.

Christina taps me on the cheek. " _You_ look disoriented, but given the circumstances I can't say I blame you. Remember as soon as the music starts, you're up."

I chuckle. "Thanks so much, Aunt Chris," I say to her. "This is all so beautiful."

"My nephew deserves only the best. Good luck," she says with a wink before she walks over to the musicians, instructing them to begin.

Behind me, my grandmother quickly falls out of the line-up to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek before the ceremony starts. I hadn't seen her before now. She looks really beautiful. "You're so handsome just like your father was on his wedding day," she says to me, her eyes welling up with tears.

"Thanks, Grandma," I say. "And you look stunning as always," and I hug her again. Reluctantly, she lets go and steps back into place. Then she just stands there and smiles proudly at me, hooked on my father's arm.

Then the soft music of a violin trio begins and it's my cue to start moving. A nervous but excited mess, I take my first step down the aisle. This is it. This is the moment I've been waiting for ever since the night my eyes caught sight of that beautiful red haired girl in that orange floral dress leaning against that doorpost.

Everyone stands and as I walk down the aisle I exchange smiles and nods with hundreds of elegantly dressed strangers before taking my place at the edge of the aisle, just before the altar, where I'll wait for Abigail. Dani walks in beside me as my best man, coming to a stop at my left, and my parents and grandmother walk in behind me. My father smiles sweetly in the middle as he carries a woman on each arm.

Next, the president takes her place behind the gracefully decorated glass altar and she smiles at me, sending a wink in my direction. She'll be officiating the ceremony today. And then the bride and groomsmen march slowly in. Rae and Jake walk through first followed by Dominic and Abby's friend Chloe.

Heather walks down the aisle next. She bows as she showers it with beautiful fresh petals from her Amity woven basket. I see my little brother Christian in the corner, taking more pictures of her than one would think necessary and I smile. Then JJ walks through looking absolutely adorable, holding the fluffy silk pillow that carries the rings. A chorus of squealing rings out as a mass of women begin to swoon and melt over my nephew. Quite the heartbreaker that one will be.

As he comes to the end of the aisle, JJ's eyes light up at the sight of Jake who tries not to smile back, but he eventually gives in when he sees his son just standing in the middle of the aisle staring at him with wide, watery eyes. Smiling wide and feeling approved, JJ sets down the pillow in the middle of the aisle and runs toward Jake.

"Daddy," he giggles, stretching his arms upward.

"There's my little guy," Jake says quietly and he picks him up. JJ immediately buries his head in his father's neck, lost to the world. Everybody begins to laugh, even Rae. And with her hand on her heart she sends mouthed apologies in my direction, but I just smile and wave it off. I'm no better than the squealing women. I adore my nephew.

"I'll get it," Dani says, laughing, and he retrieves the pillow from the floor then returns to his place beside me.

Just then the music changes and all of a sudden everyone goes quiet. I lift my eyes slowly to the back of the aisle and when I do I see the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in all of my life, far more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.

With linked arms, Abigail stands there with Sarah at her side and Annabelle is behind her holding the tail of her long dress. Her dress dazzles under the sunlight and her hair is moulded into large, beautiful, red curls that fall over her bare shoulders. She looks even more beautiful than she did when I saw her in a wedding dress in my fear landscape. I'd say she looks like an angel but I'm almost certain that even angels aren't this breathtaking.

"Oh my God," I whimper as our eyes lock and she takes her first step towards me. Dani says something to me but I don't hear a thing. Everyone else disappears and it's just us in the garden as the woman of my dreams floats toward me. I almost forget to breathe.

Even through the distance between us I can see the longing in her eyes and the deep emotion in her smile. And I don't try to hide the awe that I know is radiating from my face even if there are countless people here to witness it. This is all I've ever wanted. Today is all I've ever dreamed of. And it still does feel like a dream as my beautiful angel dressed in white keeps coming to me, coming to me to marry me.

Abigail and Sarah come to a stop just in front of me. Both with tears in their eyes, they exchange a tight hug and Sarah sends a nod and a sweet smile in my direction as she gently places her baby sister's hands in mine. I don't hesitate to squeeze them, linking Abby's fingers with my own as she stands to face me when Sarah walks away.

"You are so beautiful," I whisper to her, only releasing her hand to skim the soft, sweet skin of her cheek with my fingers. She closes her eyes and smiles as she melts into my touch.

"So are you. I love you," she whispers back. And there is no one else in the entire world but us. At least not until Hana says, "Are we ready?"

Abby giggles. "Yes," she says sweetly and we both turn to face Hana.

And so she begins, "We are gathered here today to witness and celebrate a very special union. Today is an important day, not only for Abigail and Alexander, but for all of us. Some years ago, it was their union that proved to us all that love knows no boundaries and it was their fight for that love that ultimately set us all free from a world of conformity and pretences. And today they choose to take their love one step further, binding themselves together under the sacred ties of matrimony."

I try to pay attention to Hana's words but as beautiful as they are it's incredibly difficult. As she talks about love and honesty and the importance of unity, Abby keeps passing her thumb against my fingers and every time I look into those hazel eyes I become mesmerized, forgetting everything else.

I don't even realize when Hana stops talking, but suddenly I feel a tap on my back and Dani passes me Abby's ring. I take her left hand in mine and feeling the flood of emotion that takes over me whenever I look into her eyes I remember exactly why I never wrote down and memorized my wedding vows. There's nothing I need to do but look at her and speak from my heart. So that's what I do.

"I, Alexander Andrew Eaton, on this day take you, Abigail Cassidy Joseph to be my lawfully wedded wife, the woman with whom I choose to spend the rest of my days," I begin. "Because quite honestly, I don't think I can live without you. The night I first saw you it's like my eyes were opened. I began to see all that I had and all that I was missing all at the same time. And then ever since the night my lips touched yours for the first time I've known that there is not a power in this world that can keep me away from you. Abigail Joseph you are beautiful in every possible way and it's inspiring. You make me stronger, you make me better, you turned an ordinary teenage boy into a man with something to fight for. So with all of my heart I solemnly vow that I will never stop fighting for you, I will never stop loving you, I will never stop protecting you and I will spend the rest of my life keeping you happy, because there's not a day in my life that I ever want to see that beautiful smile fade away," and I brush my knuckles against her cheek.

"I promise to put you first in all things," I say. "To be faithful to you, to be attentive to your needs and your desires, standing by your side through the good times and the bad, in sickness or in health, in wealth or poverty, regardless of where life takes us. I will be your comfort when you have none and I will be your strength if ever yours should fail you. I am yours, Abby. All of me. And I will love you even after these six years have turned into sixty. I am yours until my dying day."

And with that promise I gently slip the ring onto her finger. Then I interlock our fingers together and bring her hand to my lips.

With her eyes glossed over and her voice breaking she says, "I, Abigail Joseph, take you, Alexander Eaton to be my lawfully wedded husband to have and to hold from this day forward. And God knows that yours are the only arms I want holding me," she says with a smile. "Because in them is where I found truth for the first time. Alex, you so were different from all that I had ever known, yet the first time when you held me in your arms I knew that that is where I belonged. I didn't understand then just how did I fit, but you made me realize that I could be more and that it was ok to be more, it was ok to be me. You showed me that there was safety in honesty and sincerity, and you helped me break free from every chain that had bounded me. I never knew real joy or real freedom until I met you, and I will be eternally grateful to the winds that blew you my way."

Softly and sweetly she says, "I can't imagine my life without you, Alex, but as of today I'll never have to. And just as I'll always have you, you will always have me. I vow to always be here and to be your best friend, your partner, whatever you need me to be and whenever you need me to be. I vow to always be faithful to you in good times and in the bad, in times of peace and in times of war, in sickness and in health, to stand by your side no matter what comes. I promise to love you unconditionally and always, to support your dreams, to respect and honour you, to make you laugh when you're feeling down, and if you choose to cry then I'll cry with you. I vow that from this day forward even when you have nothing else, you will have me. And I will love and cherish you with all that I have for as long as we both shall live."

A tear slips from her eyes as she slides the silver ring onto my finger, and with my free hand I gently brush it away. With my palm resting on her soft cheek I begin to wonder how I ever became so lucky. What did I ever do to deserve such a wonderful, beautiful woman who loves me with every bit of her heart? And even though I know I'm not supposed to yet, I can't help but bring her lips up to meet mine. I kiss her softly and sweetly, and in each slow slide of my lips against hers I let her feel just how deep the promise of every bit of my devotion runs. And she kisses me back, matching my devotion with her own.

I'm barely conscious of the cheering audience when our lips break apart. And I blush when I hear the familiar voices of friends and family egging us on.

"We should get back to the wedding," I whisper, my lips brushing against Abby's. She giggles and with tightly locked fingers we turn back to face Hana who is looking at us with evident amusement.

"Am I moving too slowly for you, Mr. Eaton?" Hana asks me and the crowd laughs along with me.

"Forgive my eagerness, Madam President," I say, unable to contain a grin.

She shakes her head good-humouredly. "Very well. By the power vested in my by The First City, it is truly my honour to pronounce you man and wife. _Now_ , Mr. Eaton, you may kiss the bride," Hana says with smile. And without hesitation I do.

* * *

After we've all had our fill at the banquet, Abby and I open the dance floor under the light of the evening sun. It's one of those perfect moments where words aren't necessary. Everything we feel and everything we could ever think to say is spoken aloud in the way we hold each other, in the way she presses her head against my chest, in the way our bodies never disalign when we sway from side to side.

Not too long after, my parents join us on the dance floor, and then Anna and Dom and Rae and Jake with a giggling JJ pressed between them. After the president and her wife take to the floor, not too much time passes before we're surrounded by couples and friends and mother-son, father-daughter dancing pairs.

Over Abby's shoulder I see the Pedrad clan in a corner and I laugh. My Aunt Shauna is dancing with my cousin Jackson, and Christina is dancing with Heather and Melody in their mother-daughter dance circle. Though if my assumptions are accurate my little brother will be dancing with Heather before the day is over. Zeke and Uriah are dancing with each other since their wives have already been taken up with other partners. And Dani and Kelly pass a wave at Abby and me before they return to their dance.

"I never thought I'd live to see the day that best friend of yours would settle down with a woman," Abby says, looking up at me with a smile. "But I think this is the one."

"Yeah, I think so too. She's good for him. He showers now and he spends more time making himself useful. See what you do to us?" I chuckle.

"It's what we do to each other," Abby rightly says.

It's not just Dani. Kelly has changed too. I think of my parents and how my father's love for my mother and for us made him fight to become a better man. I think of Jake and how despite his worst fears he turned out to be a better dad than he ever thought he could be and JJ loves and adores him with every beat of his little heart.

My grandmother is nothing like what my father says she used to be. The love that has grown in her heart over the years has allowed her to let go of all the bitterness that she once carried. Even me, once a boy afraid of falling in love because he feared the weakness in it, now a man who loves with all his heart because he knows the power in it. And I know, without being told, that's what love does when it's right. It makes you more than you were, more than you thought you could be.

"Thank you, Abby," I say. "For all that you do to me and for me, for all the strength and love you've given me. I don't know where I'd be without you."

Abby reaches her palm to my face and says, "I know exactly where I'd be without you. I'd be lost, sad, alone in an orange dress under a tree somewhere wishing I was someone else, somewhere else. But you saved me. I found me when I found you."

"Oh, Abby," I whimper as I pull her closer to me and I attack her lips with a ferocious kiss. She clings tight onto my shirt and my face as her lips fight back. We're not alone and I don't ever want to break free, but I pull her closer knowing that now she is officially mine and I am hers, she is my wife and I am her husband and we can kiss each other as long and as hard as we damn well see fit. So we do, and it's a spectacular kiss.

Rae may be right about life's ups and downs, and that moments like these should be cherished. But as I dance with the love of my life in my arms and I feel the sweet weight of her lips against mine, I can't help but feel like an eternal sun has risen. Somehow I feel like our bliss is immortal. Not just for Abby and me, but for all of my family. But even if it isn't, that's ok, because together we can face whatever life throws at us. We'll shine even in the darkness, we'll all hold each other until the sunrise, and when it comes we'll bask in it.

* * *

 _A year later, Rae and Jake welcome into the world their second child. A beautiful dark haired baby girl named Amber Violet who never lived a day of her life without her big brother JJ watching over her._

 _Annabelle and Dominic move out of the Dauntless compound the year after that. He bought them a house close to the fence, not too far from where Alex and Abby live. She loves it. They go on to marry and have a daughter that is every bit as adventurous as her mother, and from the first time he laid eyes on her she was the pride and joy of her father's heart._

 _Three years after their wedding, Abigail gives birth to a beautiful baby girl named Joy. She has her mother's spirit, strawberry blond hair, and her father's dark blue eyes. Their second daughter was born three years later and their only son two years after that._

 _Christian falls hopelessly in love with Heather and when he finally builds the courage to ask her on a date, he felt compelled to tell her, 'You do know that we're not actually cousins, right?' and the rest was history. He and Heather had their first son the year after their wedding and then twin boys two years after that. And Christian did become the next president. Tobias said that he always knew that his son would rule the world._

 _Tris and Tobias eventually move out of the Dauntless compound in order to be closer to their children and grandchildren. It was hard leaving behind all the wonderful memories that lived in that apartment, but they spent the rest of their lives making new ones._

 _After all, home is where the heart is._

 _And they all lived happily ever after…_

 _The end :)_

* * *

 **A/N: And there you have it :) The end of the road. Thank you all so much for your awesome reviews and encouraging PMs, all those who favourited, followed, took the time to read. I'm truly sad that it's over but it's been an incredible journey. You guys are the best!  
I want to give special thanks to Damn you Kylie, Paula'08, Divergent Rebel 4664, Bamberlee, FreeBlackLover, Rookybooky2453, Denisa. D, IceFire15 and Shadows of a Dying Soul. You all have truly been the best support system ever and I could not have finished this story without you.**

 **Until next time ;)**

 _Jojoboo90  
_


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